Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Just quit planning...
My grandfather died recently ( the funeral is tomorrow) and I have just stopped planning our wedding. I have no desire anymore. He was supposed to walk me down the aisle and have my father daughter dance with me. I can't even imagine getting married without him there. He helped raise me and turned me into the woman I am today. How do I get over this pain? All of the joy has been taken away from everything and especially the wedding planning. I don't want my fiance to notice and think I'm having second thoughts, even though I should probably know better than that. I was so young when my other grandfather died. I've never felt this kind of hurt before.
Re: Just quit planning...
I'm so sorry for your loss.
If you're not feeling the planning right now, I think that's totally understandable. I also think you should TALK to your FI about it.
"Sweetheart, I had this vision of what our wedding would be like that just can't come true right now. It makes me sad to think of getting married without grandpa walking me down the aisle, so I need to back off of planning for a while. That said, I can't WAIT to become your wife. So, I'm going to step back from wedding planning but obviously not step back from wanting to marry you. I'll resume in a bit, but in the mean time, it'd mean a lot to me if you would keep us charging ahead [since you're on a tight deadline] by choosing the first dance songs with the DJ and confirming our guest count with the reception hall. Here's the list of the other things that need done, too. I'd appreciate whatever you can tackle."
If you have a good man on your hands, he'll happily oblige.
I also thing that, if you're up for it, having some kind of tribute to your grandfather during the wedding (a note in the program, flowers on the alter, whatever you choose) would be a lovely gesture and if it feels right for you.
There's no quick fix for grief, but sharing your feelings and your memories of him with the people you love will help you celebrate his life.
I'm so deeply sorry for your loss. Please keep communication open with your fiance. He may not know all the right words to say, or exactly everything to do...but he would not want you being silent with your grief and you don't want, in your grief, to cause him to think anything about your putting wedding plans on hold. Be open that you need time to grieve, and you can't conceive, right now, of missing out these special moments with your grandfather. Remember too, that your grandfather would not have wanted you to completely stop your life. When the time comes, and you may still be grieving, to move forward with the wedding...and more importantly the marriage, know that this was a part of your life that your grandfather was looking forward to *you* experiencing. He wouldn't want to hold you back from that...perhaps have something of his with you, or a special song, or something so that you know he's near during your special day.
Again, I'm really, truly sorry for your loss.
I am very sorry for your loss. My friend lost her father prior to her wedding. Yes, it is tough but she knew that her father wanted her to be happy and he loved her FI as well.
She opted to walk down the isle alone.
If you aren't ready to continue planning, then take a break. It's completely understandable. You should also talk to your FI, I am sure he could provide more insight into things.
There aren't words for how much that sucks.
My mother died suddenly 6 months before my wedding. There were hundreds of times wedding planning when I was reduced to tears, and not because of the stress. There were hundreds of times that I wanted to ask her opinion, or get her advice, only to have my heart sink when I remembered that she wouldn't be picking up the phone when I dialled. There were many things that I put off because I couldn't imagine doing them without her.
My husband heard the phrase from me "I need to be sure that you know that any ambivalence or dread in wedding planning you see from me, is absolutely not ambivalence or dread of being your wife, but rather just for the wedding planning. I love you and can't wait to be your wife, and look forward to the marriage. I just can't deal with wedding right now." My husband certainly surprised me, and for 2-3 months did all the planning, and those were probably the 2-3 months of the heaviest planning.
Buying my dress and all of the fittings were especially painful. The first time I finally went shopping, my cousins came, and the second time my dad came (but I think that he found it difficult). In the end I either went alone or brought my fianc?. One of the shop-ladies had a fit and tried to kick him out (because the "groom isn't supposed to see the dress" BS, never mind his bride was near tears in the dressing room).
It took me a long time to decide if I wanted a tribute to her during the service. In one way it felt fitting that something be said because so many of us were thinking about her, and feeling the loss. But on the other hand, my wedding was a happy occasion, and I knew that without her there I was already on the edge of breaking down. I didn't know if I could handle it if anything much was said (or if it would just be painful for my brother and dad).
In the end we decided on adding one sentence to the service. A simple "We remember those who are dear to our hearts, but can?t be here today. We pray that they hear our joy and feel our love, today and forever." We wanted to it be subtle, but we knew who it was for.
Two of my closest friends have also lost parents. One lost his father over 5 years ago, and was married last summer. Talking to him, even 5 years later he felt that loss acutely on his wedding day. My best friend lost her mom 10 years ago and still tears up when she thinks about the fact that her mom never got to meet her son (who is now 6 months old). Over time you accept the pain, but it is still there.
I don't know if I would have been ready to get married 2 months after losing my mom, and if you don't think you will be able to, then you and your fianc? should sit down and figure out a way to postpone it.
I know. Loosing someone close to you, a parent, or a grandparent that feels like a parent, is one of the most difficult things we ever have to go through. And in many ways it feels like it will overshadow the joy of your wedding day. I found my wedding in a small way, healing. There were tears, on more than one occasion, but the gathering of family, and the expressions of love were more healing then I ever expected.
Talk to him. You are marrying him for a reason. Let him be there for you now.
Oh hon, I'm sorry for your loss.
I would just not worry about planning right now. Take the time you need to grieve, cry, be angry, whatever you need to do. The wedding plans can wait.
I would just tell your fiance that you love him and absolutely want to marry him, but that your grief for your grandfather is clouding your mind right now and it may make you act in ways you normally don't, or it may make you lose your energy or patience in the coming weeks and months. Any halfway decent partner will understand this, and will do whatever he can to help.
If you really feel like you need to postpone the wedding, do it. Talk to your fiance about a timeframe when you will be ready to move on, and then notify your guests and vendors. Don't be afraid of "disappointing" anyone ... the people who love you will understand, and those who don't understand (and I'm betting it'll be few to none) are not worth your concern.
If you still want to get married on the planned date (and I'm sure your grandfather would just want you to be happy), seven weeks is still a lot of time to plan an event. When the funeral and arrangements are over, sit down with your fiance and make a list of what is left to plan. Then rank those things in order of importance ... the only things you really "need" are food and seats for the guests, some kind of entertainment (even an iTunes playlist if need be), and a certified person to marry you. If you don't absolutely need or want something for your wedding, cut it off the list and don't worry about it.
Then ask your fiance what he can handle on his own, and try reaching out to friends to see if they can help you ... I am sure that good friends will be more than willing to take on a task or two to help you get through all of this. If I knew a friend was in mourning and was having trouble planning her wedding, I'd be happy to make a few phone calls or vendor visits for/with her.
You might also want to reach out to a counselor or a clergyperson if you need some help getting through this. And I'm sure your fiance will be there for you, too.