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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Discussion: Sleeping in separate beds
NO JUDGING!
Before Seth and I had Abe we saw an article about "the marriage bed" and how many couples are sleeping in separate beds, separate bedrooms. At the time we thought this was so sad and so awful.
Now that we are bedsharing and Abe is a bed hog, Seth wants to sleep in separate beds.
I'm not sure how I feel about it. I mean, I could sleep train my kid and have him sleep in his crib like he is supposed to...and that may be down the road.
I'm so afraid that this is one step away from us growing further apart.
What are your thoughts on sleeping in separate beds? Do you already do it?
Re: Discussion: Sleeping in separate beds
What size bed do you have?
We have a king bed. And I never co-slept. I need my space!
Personally, I think having a kid in bed with me would be more of a marriage stress than sleeping in separate beds. But like I said, I need my space.
I have always joked that I would like seperate beds like "I love Lucy" because I need my space. And I do feel like even though we don't cuddle or barely touch when we sleep(all me, he loves to cuddle...ugh haha) I still think it would distance us to sleep in seperate beds, but that is just me. But I don't have children, so I don't know how that would change things are far as sleeping goes.
DH and I will do separate beds once and a while (mostly while and after one of us are sick)... but we also have been so used to sleeping apart when he's traveling that sometimes it's hard to readjust to sharing a bed. At one point, DH joked about continuing to sleep separately since we both sleep better but I put the kabosh on it-- for me, even if it's uncomfortable, I like knowing he's next to me (though there are nights where I would love to kick him out so I can sprawl or because he's snoring).
We'll see what changes soon... who knows!
ETA: A couple very close to me sleep in separate rooms and I have a hard time understanding how it doesn't affect their relationship but there are other factors that come in to play there. If it works for you and you are able to maintain closeness on other levels, then it could be what's right for you and your family. Everyone/ every relationship is different.
I would go with ending Abe in the bed, but, like Mainey, I am an independent sleeper. DH and I sleep with a pillow between us so he can hug that and not smother me. Without it he creeps to my side all night, until I wake up with half my body hanging over the edge.
I know that our neighbors have separate beds (bedrooms), but it's b/c her CPAP machine is so loud. She is also kind of a TMI neighbor, so I gather that their sex life remains unaffected. They also seem close in other ways.
I have a lot of sleeping problems, so we've done separate rooms for a few nights here and there. DH refuses to do it long-term, so I'm dying for a king.
It seems like in your case though, you've got three people in the bed and only two can stay. Either Seth has to go or Abe has to go and since (a.) it's Seth's bed too and (b.) Abe will go eventually, it seems like it would be easiest (and I don't mean to make it sound like you just plop him in his crib and call it good) to move Abe now. It's not fair to Seth to have to endure poor sleep and it's not fair to either of you to sleep in separate beds if it's not what you truly want (and would otherwise do of your own accord). Even if you could fit a king up the stairs, people expand into as much space as there is...I don't think for sure it would fix the problem.
I need to do this!
this is a really tough situation! I personally do not think I could not share a bed with my husband. There is something really special about sleeping close to him (even though right now he can't touch me at all) but just the comfort of reaching over and touching is arm in the middle of the night is really important to me. That being said- I can imagine that a similar comfort is felt by having your baby so close. Is there a way to give Abe his own space in your room for a while to help transition both him and you?
DH has slept in the guest room once or twice but that is because of illness. now that it's actually my office, there is no other place for him to go. T has been in her crib since the day we brought her home. I've never had the desire to have my child sleep in my bed. I guess I feel like our room, is our space. Not that she is not welcome ever, but that it's a respect thing.
I agree, that if you can do it, Abe should go, since he will need to be in his own bed eventually. For me, my marriage is not worth losing over deciding where my baby will sleep (does that make sense)?
I can't imagine sleeping in separate beds but having the baby in bed with me. However, I think this is due to my natural tendencies. I was a horrible sleeper before I met MH and he seems to be the key to my sleeping soundly. It was one of the ways I knew he must be the one because I was sleeping so soundly when he stayed over. Also, with the exception of MH, I really need my space so I imagine my babies will be right next to us in the beginning, but not in the bed.
I do agree with the others that I'd be concerned about how the loss of intimacy that comes with sleeping apart would affect one's relationship. Would you guys have some sort of plan for stepping up intimacy at other times so you wouldn't lose it?
No judging here. That's a really tough one. I do know people who sleep separately and it works for them - due to major schedule differences and snoring, mostly.
For me it would be hard. I already don't sleep as well on the nights Matt isn't at my house. We aren't super snuggly sleepers, we usually snuggle for a while, and then we both roll over and face opposite directions at the very edges of the bed because we don't like to be encumbered while actually sleeping. But there is something really comforting about knowing he's over there. So if it were me, I'd try booting Abe from the bed before Seth, but that's me - and I don't know that this is a one size fits all scenario.
Some things to consider would be, how hard is it going to be to get Abe into the swing of being in his crib vs bedsharing? Is it something you and Seth are both up for right now or will it be less "painful" in the short run to do a bit of separate sleeping while Abe gets ready to make that transition?
Thanks for all your replies and your honesty!
I'm the same way in that Seth and I don't touch when we sleep.
I wish that moving Abe to his crib was as easy as it is to type it out. I think I have to bite the bullet, be tired for a while, and listen to him cry.
Josh and I slept separately a lot when the boys were infants, he would sleep on the couch with one in the PNP and I would sleep in our room with one... it was SOO nice when we got the boys in their beds and could sleep in the same bed... even though I enjoy the nights that I get a whole bed to myself... I do miss having him there...
maybe a compromise? Abe goes to bed in his crib and after this morning feeding he can come in and lie with you guys... we never did this when the boys were babies... simply because we didn't have time or the space, but now that they are bigger and can get out of bed themselves, when they wake up in the morning, we usually all stay in bed and cuddle for between 10 minutes to an hour (depending on what time they get up and what time we have to be out the door!)
Greg and I have been dealing with this for a while. I am a terrible sleeper. EVERYTHING wakes me up, and I get sick easily if I get sleep deprived. So we sleep in separate beds most of the time because, seriously, I wake up if DH rolls over and the blankets move a little. And we have a king-size memory foam bed. It sucks mostly because DH hates sleeping apart, and therefore I hate it. I wouldn't care if he didn't care because we often lay in bed and watch TV together and then he'll get up and move to the other bed (we have two mattresses in our room), so the only time we are apart is when we are sleeping and I don't know that he's there (or not there) anyway.
The other issue is that DH also has trouble sleeping a lot of the time, and he wants to watch TV in the middle of the night, so he ends up in the guest room. I'm not sure what we can do about that.
We are trying to solve the problem and are probably going to end up buying two twins and using separate bedding and then putting them in the same bed frame, or something like that.
At my mom's place all of the German guests did this! It was a pain when we had the rooms set up as kings and had to bring in different bedding etc, but I could totally understand! We have a king tempurpedic and I still feel the covers moving etc and it drives me nuts too :P
I think sleeping in separate beds for personal reasons and sleeping in separate beds for parenting reasons are two different things, and I think that sleeping in separate beds because of your kid is a dangerous road to travel. As you all know, kids put a strain on our marriage and you don't have as much time for one another, and in my experience, it's the husband in particular who feels neglected and ousted. Ending your "marriage bed" in favor of sleeping with your child is sure to exacerbate any of these feelings. Abe's gotta go eventually, it sounds like the time is now.
Ditto Kristen's suggestion -- crib for the majority of the night, then pull him into bed for the early morning feeding and leave him there. I've done that with both of my kids and it's worked out fine. Once Owen was weaned, we kicked him out completely and even though there was an adjustment, he adapted quickly.
This is what they do in Iceland - my XH is from there and everyone has their own "sing" (pronounced w/a long "i") which is like a personal down comforter. Kind of a nice compromise!
Brianne, I think it's really going to come down to which is more detrimental to you guys right now - sleeping apart or getting through Abe's adjustment period. Since you don't know how long it will take him to be okay sleeping on his own, that's probably kind of daunting. But you also don't want to do something that might make you and Seth feel distant from each other, so if either of you feel like this will have that effect, it might just be time to bite the bullet with Abe. I know that's way easier typed than done though!
What Kristy says...?
All of this made me feel really good. I think we are in the same exact boat. I can put him in his crib and he will fall asleep but wake an hour to two later asking for Mummmmmmmaaaaa.
And yes, I need to survive and the best way for me to sleep is with him right next to me. He sleeps best that way too.
Thanks JL.
Like Jess W, I was all about James in the crib in his room from night one... I loved him but wanted my bedroom space. Before J even came along though I wished I had my own bed. I don't need my own room, but DH flops around like a fish out of water, steals blankets that he just shoves under himself, and generally wakes me while he sleeps soundly. DH is very much against separate beds though, so my dream of two twins next to each other (just an inch apart would make me happy) sharing a comforter is still a dream.
B- You say Abe and you both sleep well with him right there. Could you look into getting a second hand side carred crib? That way your mattress is free and clear for you and Seth, and Abe can still be right by your side with no barrier, but can start to get used to having his own space, which might help to the eventual transition to his own bed/crib?