Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Re: Sister did not ask me to be a bridesmaid
I never told my sister the date was bad for me. I mentioned to my dad but to my sister, I said we would make it work.
I called friends yesterday since I wanted to ask for advice. I talked to three women and no one could really give me a good idea what to do. They all have sisters. All were just shocked I was not asked to be in the wedding. I posted on here since I was looking for advice on what to do.
I decided to sleep on it and see how I felt about it when I woke up the next day. Due to the time difference, my sister wrote me another e-mail early this morning. She said she knew not asking me to be a BM meant she was giving up someone who was a good planner and would send a lot of money. That she knew I would work really hard for her.
Nothing about me being her sister and could not imagine getting married without me in the bridal party, but just didn't want to overwhelm me.
Then, she said I was welcome to join the bridal party, but it did not sound heartfelt.
I want to be in her bridal party because we are sisters; we grew up together--not because of my organizational skills or my checkbook. And not now since she is trying to appease me.
I left her voice mail and waiting for her to call me back. I really torn how to proceed. I keep running the pros and cons of how to proceed. Be a BM, don't be a BM....
If I say no, it makes that I can't forgive her not asking in the first place. I picture myself sitting at her wedding, wishing I was up there with her sharing her big day. And her angry with me for turning her down.
If I say yes, I will always remember how I became a BM and wonder the entire time if she really doesn't want me there or not.
I don't know...I am so confused.
I wouldn't do it. I'm not trying to be harsh, but she made her choice already. Honestly, I think it was shittty of her. I'd be the jerk sister though... and show up at the wedding, nicely do the reading, act classy, and make sure you look a lot prettier than her.
FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
Don't be in the wedding. She only said you could because you were being a selfish brat. My sister was my MOH but that is not a good reason for me to be hers or even a BM for her. She has the right to choose her BMs just like you CHOSE yours. Just because you feel like you had to ask her does not mean she feels the same. It was rude of you to guilt her and it is even more rude of you to now not speak to her.
My response to her would be "Sis, I realized how selfish I was being by griping about not being a BM. I appreciate your kindness at wanting my daughters to be your flower girls and am so excited that you wanted to include me by including the two little loves of my life in such a special way. Please forgive my rudeness and allow me to help in the way you asked. I love you"
This is her wedding. Its about her and FI and their celebrating the decision to spend their lives together. ITS NOT ABOUT YOU.
I honestly can't believe you are still being so dramatic about all of this. She obviously does not feel the same way you do about your relationship and she obviously doesn't feel that she is obligated to have her sister in the bridal party. You sound like family is only really important to you when it is convenient for you or when you are benefiting. If family was truly important to you, you would be happy for you relationships with them, not griping that you don't get to wear a bm dress.
If your sister and you are close, she probably knows how prone to drama you are and wanted to avoid that in her wedding party.
Do not be a bm. Tell her you are sorry that you overreacted and that you are happy for her and that you would be honored to be a reader.
P.S. I think your friends were speechless because they couldn't believe a 31 year old woman was being a baby about not getting her way in someone else's wedding.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I just finished reading all of this, and honestly, while I can understand being bummed, I think you've taken it way to far.
I would be bummed if my sister didn't ask me to be in her wedding party, but I'm a big girl, I know it's her choice.So yes I would have been bummed if she got married and didn't ask me to be in her wedding, but I would never, ever, even dream about trying to make her feel guilty about it! That's exactly what you did, maybe you didn't mean too, but that's exactly what happened. So of course she extended you an invite, you more or less shamed her into it!
I understand that you were hurt you weren't asked, but honestly, I think you're being really overly dramatic about it. She's not using you for your daughters, their her nieces, she's including your family, I just don't see why that isn't enough. Also, if you do a reading at the wedding, you're still included. You might not be party of the wedding party, but you're still contributing to your sisters special day, isn't that what's supposed to matter? I agree with the others who are saying you're making this about you, when it's not about you.
Seriously, be the bigger person, apologize for putting her on the spot, and decline the invite gracefully and apologetically and accept what she originally wanted you to do.
I just got married about a month ago, and my only sister was my MOH. Personally, I would not have even thought twice about asking her because I had always known she would be my MOH, it was a no brainer for me. I am pretty close to her, but I probably would have asked her even if we weren't close.
However, I know that not everyone chooses to have their siblings in their WP... let alone be MOH, for whatever reason. A few weeks before my wedding, my sister was talking about who she wanted to be her MOH, and she said she would have her best friend. I gotta say, my initial reaction was to be a little hurt, but then I was like "Hey, its her wedding, she can have whoever she wants in her WP." That being said, I would be very hurt if she didn't ask me to be in the WP, but I'd get over it. After all, as someone said earlier, I will be her sister no matter what, and whether or not I am in the WP will not change our relationship.
As for your situation, I don't know your sister, but I doubt she meant to snub you, ya know? I bet she didn't even think you would be upset. As PP's mentioned, maybe she was trying to save you some stress because you live OOT, have kids, etc. Look at this way, you are still in the WEDDING, you just don't have nearly as many expenses as you would if you were a BM.
Hope this helps! Good luck!
I understand that you are disapointed, but you are taking this way too far.
You should've said "I'm so excited for my daughters to be flowergirls! They are so cute!" and "I love this reading. Its so sweet and will be so perfect for you and your FI."
Instead you talked behind her back about how the date "wasn't the best for you," and "WAAAAAA! I'm not a bridesmaid."
I wouldn't have wanted you in my wedding either.
I hope you make the right choice and apologize for being a major jerk. And get over yourself in time for the wedding.
I do not have a sister, only a brother, so take this with a grain of salt.
I agree that I would've been hurt, but I also agree that you're making her day all about you. When I got married, I asked a cousin that I've been close with since birth (they lived in our house when us kids were little) to be my MOH. My brother was not in my wedding, but 3 out of his 4 kids were (my youngest nephew was just 1 at the time). Never once did I hear my brother complain about not being in the wedding, and he very proudly walked my mom down the aisle, so he was still an important part of the day. I knew that at the time, only my brother was working (and ended up losing his job 3 months before the wedding), so a flower girl dress plus 2 tux rentals were already going to be a strain on the finances. I explained this to him, and he appreciated that I understood the situation.
My cousin who was my MOH is getting married in September. She has always said she wanted me to be a BM, but that she was going to make her other cousin (other side of the family) her MOH. When they got engaged, I did become a little sad to think that I wasn't going to be her MOH of like she was mine. I never said a word to her, and just figured whatever she decided was fine, it's their day. A week later, I got a beautiful letter in the mail asking me to be joint MOHs with the other girl because she realized that she can't imagine any other 2 she would want standing beside her. Her and I are now frantically planning a wedding while the other girl is trying to make it all about her. My cousin has fully said that now she feels like she asked the other cousin because she felt like she had to, and now it's adding more stress to the whole thing.
Just a thought.
This may not be true at all. My DH's sister was married not too long ago - everyone in her immediate family was a part of the wedding - except her brother and myself. Everyone else was dressed to the nine's in their three piece suits - and we weren't. Their cousin stood in for what should have been my DH's spot - Not one person asked why we weren't in the wedding. No one cared. It's all about the bride that day remember.
This sort of thing would bother me, so I am right there with you. However, the main difference I see between us is that I am extremely close with my sisters, despite living 6 hours away from them. From your question, I did not get the sense that you two were close?
Regardless, she is your sister. It's almost like a default that you are supposed to be a bridesmaid. I have never seen a wedding where sisters aren't included as bridesmaids. In addition, a bridesmaid can also be a "reader." I had my youngest sister do both roles in my wedding. In my opinion, others at the wedding may find it odd, too. I seem to care about the perceptions of other family members regarding weddings because as much as people want to give the bride 100% control, weddings are very family-oriented things. I mean, after all, you are joining two families together. As a sister, you are a big part of that process.
Some of the advice on here is good, most is rather harsh and from people who aren't really close to their families, like I am. You definitely should approach her and let her know your feelings, but you must not be emotional about it. It must come from a place of rationality.
Also, be prepared that if your sister agrees to let you be a bridesmaid, you may feel like you are only part of the bridal party because of guilt. Your sister may also resent you for it, but may not tell you that. So, just be aware of the repercussions that will come from this conversation.
If your sister is a decent enough woman, she should realize she assumed many things that were incorrect and she will be the one to feel bad about it, not you.
I would never dream of making my sisters feel like that. All three were all maid of honors at my wedding because I couldn't even decide between them. Good luck!
Hmmm...this depends on so many factors/family dynamics. Perhaps she really did think because of the problems you listed (daughter's birthday, etc) that you wouldn't want the extra responsibility of being a bridesmaid, especially if she thinks you wanted to be involved with getting your girls ready.
How close are you really?
At this point, I would decline being a bridesmaid but ask if you can help with a shower or bach party.
My goodness, you all are eating her alive!
First of all, when your feelings get hurt you deal with a lot of emotions. And we all know that when you're typing while emotional, you have a tendency to type all of the thoughts that run through your head.
Just because she feels this way does NOT make her a brat. We don't know all the details of their relationship, but obviously it's enough that it caused hurt feelings that she wasn't asked to be a BM.
Anyway, I would just like to say that I understand you being upset, but more than anything I hope you and your sister can work things out to where you'll both be happy, AFTER the wedding comes and goes. Family IS important and I'd hate for this to cause permanent damage.
Be blessed!!