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Speaking of not being invited to a wedding...
The picky picky post got me thinking about this. It still kills me.
DH's extended family is huge on FIL's side, and all over the country. Basically, weddings are seen as family reunions. Which can obviously become costly.
A few years ago "Mark and Nancy's" son got married. They live in CA, son lives in NYC. We're in MD. None of us were invited. I honestly didn't think much about it. I like that particular family a lot, but we (DH and I) aren't that close to them. Well, come to find out that MIL took this as a personal insult and she no longer has anything to do with Mark and Nancy. And she and FIL WERE relatively close them.
At the outset, I found it ridiculous because their son is a grown adult marrying a grown adult (Jack and Sue). THEY may have been fully paying for their own wedding, and as such, had a very small guest list. And who even cares the reasons why. They wanted a small wedding. I totally respected that and really did not understand why MIL was taking this out on his parents.
It's caused some small family drama. But nothing earth shattering. Just mainly that part of the family not understanding why MIL (and in turn FIL) won't talk to them.
A few weeks ago, DH and I had a crabfeast and invited a couple of the younger cousins from NYC to come and visit (2 couples total). Invited the IL's too because we know how much FIL likes to see his family as much as he can. At the last minute they cancelled. MIL was "sick".
Her getting sick at the last minute is a recurring thing when there is something she wants to avoid. But I couldn't for the life of me figure out why she wanted to avoid this gathering.
Then 2 days later it hit me. One of the couples was Jack and Sue. I was like "it took me 2 days to figure this out?!?!?!". But I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that this is the reason she suddenly got sick and couldn't come.
It's all very sad, and there is more going on w/ MIL (depression, health issues) that I think is leading her down this path of isolating herself from everyone. But it makes me sad that she's pulling FIL down with her. This is his family, and he's huge on family, and I know he has no beef w/ them. But he's caught in this web of hers and I don't think he knows how to get out.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Re: Speaking of not being invited to a wedding...
My grandmother's family was wonderful about keeping grudges. Sister didn't talk for years over nothing, things they didn't even remember.
What a waste.
DH's stepmother is like this - but with FILs children (dh and his siblings). It has ruined their relationship.
Just remember, it's FILs choice to not attend these parties. He is not the one dependent on transportation or who needs help going to and from events. He cannot be "pulled into" anything without his permission.
But I've seen the other side of it too. She can be VERY nasty to him verbally. I've witnessed a small part of it. He talked to DH once about some of the stuff going on with her and then was like "dont' tell her I told you- she'll yell at me". I think FIL feels very beaten down. If he stands up to her in any way, she just lets loose on him. He has to live w/ her day in and day out. And I think he's kind of at a point where it's just easier to go along w/ her.
He used to still go to family functions w/o her. Last that I know of was a wedding in Chicago 2 years ago that we were at too. It was only a weekend, but she called us at least 3 times looking for him because 1- she couldn't find the duct tape. He needs to come home NOW!!!, and 2- the dog door broke and she can't fix it, so he needs to come home NOW!!!!! I have no doubt that he got a tongue lashing from her when he got home.
As hard as it is to say, I'm starting to see him as a victim of spousal abuse. It feels SO extreme to say that, especially when it's my MIIL we're talking about. But I really think he feels totally beaten down by her and is almost afraid to say "no" to her. By going along w/ her, he doesn't get yelled at - or at least not as often.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I"d actually be thankful NOT to be invited!
No need to spend money on travel, perhaps incur hotel bills, baby sitter, etc.....
I'd send gift and be happy.
When I say "family reunion", it's more from the standpoint of the family and how they can't wait to go to these weddings because they'll get to see family they haven't seen in a long time.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm so sorry that you guys have to see all of this. It must be especially hard on your DH.
I know this might come across as cruel but perhaps she will pass away before him and he can then find a women who treats him with kindness, consideration and respect.
DH's family is very good at holding grudges. Drives DH and I nuts. MIL and her sister are currently not speaking to eachother because aunt owes MIL money, and they differ on the amount by $5. $5!!!! Are you kidding me?!
DH's cousin (a different aunt's daughter) is getting married next month. MIL actually wrote on her RSVP card "If possible, please seat me with kellslw and son, NOT with aunt." I got an e-mail from bride's mom saying she knows about the rift between her 2 sisters, but doesn't know what to do. DH and I are seated at a table of young couples (including several cousins) and MIL was going to be seated with some people closer to her age (her and the sister she's fighting with plus DH and I and a few cousins are the only ones able to make the trip), do we really want MIL at our table? DH and I decided no we don't and that MIL and aunt (that she's fighting with) will just have to figure it out. Bride's mom said they aren't seated at the same table, but I wouldn't put it past them to start something during the reception. Like I said, they love to hold grudges.
Edited: Clarification
For all the weird dysfunctional sh!t my family has done throughout the years, I don't think there has been a lot of wedding drama.
They seem to save it all up for funerals.