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Changing names
to start this is the first time i'm posting on the nest, normally a bump poster; not sure if this is the best board but.....
So i never considered taking my husbands name in any sense and was more the postive about that since i was a child. I'm just having seconds thoughts after some stuff my father is pulling.
He was not a great dad or husband, i'd call him pretty much the reverse and we never really were happy my mom stuck things out with him. Yet over the last few weeks he's decided to "leave my mom (not until he finds an apt) not pay for anything since he never wanted that house and pretty much decided he's done with myself, my siblings and grandson" I know it's partially out of spite but i thought today that I wanted to change my name because it would be cutting ties with him for good. I just don't know if this is really something i should do or something i may regret down the road.
historically speaking i hated the reason for changing names and always said i wasnt anyone's property and my name is who i was born. Now tho, I feel like carrying his name is keeping him in my life more then I can stand
Re: Changing names
I think you should change your name only if it feels right to you and helps you to feel more unified with your husband (and kids if you have them).
Changing your name so that it doesn't match your dad's doesn't change your connection to him - you determine what your relationship is with him no matter what your name is. Changing to your husbands name isn't going to distance yourself from him.
Don't make decisions out of spite.
I am estranged from my abusive father and I kept my maiden name when we got married. Not because it is an attachment to him, but because it is part of my identity.
I'm not advocating either changing or not changing, but give yourself a chance to think through this.
Also, if you had not ever had a chance to talk about some of these issue with a family counselor, I would highly recommend it. It really helped me a lot.
So, for all those years he wasnt a good dad...and you still said you were going to keep your name. Now you are upset so you are all of a sudden considering changing it? Not a good reason at all.
I think you should do what you have always set out to do and not change because you are pissed.
You should probably take some more time to think about it. You're really upset right now (understandably), and while changing your name might feel good in the moment, it might be something you'll regret down the road. I'm not saying changing it would ultimately be the wrong decision, just that it's not a choice you should make in haste.
A few things to think about: names are not what makes a family. Obviously, you know that because you didn't feel the need to change your name in order to be a family with your husband, but keep in mind that also applies to your relationship with your dad. You don't have to think of him as family just because you share a last name.
Also, it's your dad's name, but it's also your name. Sure, you have that name because you happened to be born to him, but you're also a grown woman who has lived under that name for however many years, accomplished things, learned and grown, experienced life under that name. Your name is not tainted because of your dad's actions. Plenty of men have crappy dads, but many don't feel it necessary to change their last names because their names have meaning to them independently of the origin.
On the other hand, names are very important to a person's sense of identity, if even only symbolically. If sharing a last name with your dad really does bring a lot of negativity to your life, and changing would lift a burden from your shoulders, there's no reason not to do it.
In the end, you should do whatever feels right to you. Wait and see how you feel after a few weeks of thinking about it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
DH's brother is going through a similar thing (no need to change his name for marriage, as he is male, but his name on social networks is his mom's name - he never even knew his mom; she died shortly after giving birth to him and he has zero memories).
DH and I talked about it. Their dad pretty much svcked, but the name is also the name of their grandfather (who they loved and respected very much). It is part of their family history. Also, they don't even know their uncles/aunts on their mother's side, so keeping her maiden name doesn't make sense (to dh at least).
If you don't change your name now, you can always change it later.
I'm not telling you one way or another, but think about your own identity, as well as your whole family line on that side, not just your dad.
I agree. Let the dust settle, think about it and then make a decision. Sorry.
This is NOT TRUE. I have many friends who kept their last names, and whose children have their husband's last name, and they have had no issue traveling with their own children. Remember also that the members of blended families often do not all have the same last names and would have the same "trouble" while traveling. Further, I would look with suspicion upon any publication that would publish such an article...
To OP: like you, I decided not to change my name when I got married. At times, people seem to assume that this is some reflection on my love for my husband (i.e., THEY changed THEIR names because they love their husband SO much), when they couldn't be further from the truth. Similarly, my decision to keep my name had nothing to do with my father. To change your name now in order to put distance between yourself and your dad suggests that you are using your name as a barometer of your feelings toward someone, and seems juvenile.
Me too! I knew I would never change my name when I got married, but I really didn't want my father's last name for the rest of my life (yeah, it's my name too, but it's also his). I changed my last name to my Mom's last name (which she moved back to after they divorced). Best decision ever. I also love having the same last name as my materal grandparents who are awesome and amazing people.