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Gotta Vent (somewhat BR)
I just have to vent this out because it has been bothering me since last night and Jay is just not getting why I'm frustrated.
We had dinner with friends last night; our best friends with their 2 month old son and another couple who have a 4 month old daughter. We had a great dinner, watched America's Got Talent (we have a friend who was on the show but got booted last night) and then we just sat around chatting.
Chatting is where the problem came in. Every other topic of conversation was about when we are planning on having a baby, how Jay could impregnate me on the sly, etc... Now I know most of this was good natured just playing around, which would have been fine for about 10 minutes. But in total, over the course of the evening, our reproductive choices were discussed probably for about an hour. My best friend was speaking up for me a lot about how I'm just not ready, which I'm not. I want to bring a baby home to house that is our own not someone else's, I want to create a healthier body for myself and better eating habits for my family in general so that I could bring a healthy baby into this world and there are just things that I want to do before we have a baby and we haven't had time to do them all yet because I've only had a full time job for less than year!
I got in the car to home and told Jay I was mentally exhausted from spending the evening defending my personal state of not being ready to have a baby. He doesn't understand why this is tiring and I told him it's because he was part of the problem. He said he was just kidding around and I told him I knew in part that he was but that part of what he was saying is true, which he admitted to.
I've never felt pressure like this before in my life. Not in grade school or high school or anywhere. I've always been fine with doing things in my own way and on my own time but suddenly I feel like I'm left behind because I'm not ready to pop out a kid; which is ridiculous because I'm fine just being around all of these great kids without having one of my own. It's like they're uncomfortable now that they have kids and I don't have one.
The whole thing feels so ridiculous and I can't even believe I'm so frustrated over one evening but I guess I'm leary that this is going to become a regular thing. Ugh, thanks for listening, have a cocktail 
(no it's not too early!)
Re: Gotta Vent (somewhat BR)
Ugh, girl, I totally understand. We get the "when are y'all having a baby?!" all the time, and it's a total dagger through the heart (for completely different reasons, but still). It's an awkward conversation to have with people.
I feel like the entire time you're dating everyone says "when are you getting married?" Then as soon as you get married it turns into "when are you having a baby?" Then when you have one it's "when are you having another?" People are so pushy. This is personal sh!t!
I want a baby very badly. We all know this, but I've never been one to rush my way through life. I know plenty of people who got married at 19 and had a baby at 20-22. I think they're all going to look back when they're 40 and regret doing everything so fast. Take your time! And don't let people make you feel like you're inferior because of it.
I understand. Before Mark and I were pregnant and even before we were married we were getting this constantly. Mark is 40- they kept asking if he could even have kids. It hurt both our feelings and created all kinds of doubt. I realized I had to limit my conversations and separate myself for a while from those who continued to ask and prod. Its actually funny- when we finally did get pregnant, those people couldnt believe we got pregnant "so fast" meaning so soon after we were married. Funny how fickle people can be.
I totally understand this. As a nurse I work around mostly women, and undoubtedly the conversations turn to kids and babies, and then it's "So when are YOU guys having kids?" For me right now this is really a painful subject (I'm avoiding getting a manicure because I don't want the lady doing my nails to ask me if I have any children and make me cry). Obviously my situation is a little different because I've been pregnant twice and yet have no children. I used to kind of beat around the bush "Oh, I don't know, we've talked about it..." or other excuses but it is really hard.
And I agree it's even harder when your friends have kids and want you to be in "the club" and can't figure out why you're not there yet, whether through your own choosing or not. I'm sure your friends mean well and just want you to be able to enjoy the same things they are, but I know when my friends sit around and talk about their kids non-stop or setting up playdates or talk about labor, it makes me feel really excluded.
Congrats to both my TTC buddies, Amberley18 and sb2006 on their beautiful babies!
I understand how you feel completely. Andy and I get a lot of judgemental jabs because we don't want kids at all. I agree with you that its exhausting to have to defend yourself. Especially when people keep saying, "But why?" And then I list the reasons, most prevalent being I just dont have the mothering instinct or the desire to be a mother. And then we get the, "Oh well you WILL! Don't worry!" Believe me, I'm not worried!
And also like you said, a lot of times I feel left out of things because people feel like because we don't have kids we dont necessarily want to do anything that involves kids, and thats just not true. I try to be really cognizant of the fact that people have kids and if I'm making plans with someone I do it around the child's schedule, I make sure I have foods for kids if we're having people for dinner, I have kid toys at my house, etc. And it hurts my feelings when people exclude us just because we're childless.
I'm sorry that you and Jay, or more specifically you, are going through this right now. But the fact of the matter is that this is your choice and your life. People can judge and prod all they want, but they won't be the ones financially responsible for a child. YOU are. I've learned to not even let people make me feel bad about our choices, because we know they are best for us.
People suck, dude. That's kinda all there is too it.
Agree. Ditto. Etc.
Love, MB, the ever-present Niner piggy-backer who doesnt have time to post anything decent because everyone has already said it better than her anyway ;D
updated 10.03.12
Thanks ladies! It was just so frustrating sitting there feeling like I was being talked about as nothing but a vessel for growing a person sooner rather than later. These are some of our closest friends so I know that they don't mean for me to feel like that, which is probably why it came up so much. They just thought it was funny/amusing to talk about Jay and I having a baby and I felt like I was getting the 3rd degree!
Stees, I'm sorry that people leave you out. That was one of my greatest fears when pretty much all of our good friends got pregnant around the same time. Fortunately it hasn't been an issue so far, but it does tug on my heartstrings a little wghen I see a fb message pop up about having a "playdate" and I know the only reason I'm not invited is because I don't have a kid.
Who knew I'd be dealing with peer pressure at 27 more than when I was 17! At least now I can drink or go get a perscription for Prozac, lol!
That's a really good point you bring up Jillian; everyone is in such a hurry for "the future". Another thing, is that I'm the youngest in our group by 2 years but I think everyone forgets that sometimes; when they were at my age they wanted kids but weren't ready to have them yet either!
Jay gets caught up in the future a lot mainly because (and this will sound vain) before me he never saw himself as having much of a future. Once we got together and I tried to nuture his potential, something his parents never did, he got all of this ambition (which I love) but wants to have everything he's now aimed for asap! Like our housing situation, there's a 95% chance that by spring that house will be ours because my mom wants us to buy it. Jay focuses on the 95% and wants to move forward based on that; I look at the other 5% and go "well what if it doesn't work out, then where do we put this kid?"
Usually Jay and I are on the same page about this; we both want to have kids, he'd rather have them sooner than later, but everything just is not where it needs to be for us to plan to have a kid, right now. Until it happens again, I'm blaming his succumbing to the peer pressure on the booze; especially since he did apologize for making me uncomfortable even if he didn't understand why I felt that way.
You pretty much summed up exactly how I've felt for the past 3 years. But I get the "when am I getting GRANDBABIES?!?!?!1/11//1" from my MIL all.the.damn.time..... And all of my friends/relatives have babies, save for my sister.
And I work with little children (K-5) most of them with behavioral issues...so when I get home, I DON'T want to be around kids. For a long time, Danny didn't understand that...why don't I want to go visit niece/nephew?? Because I have to censure myself all day, I need adult time dammit!!
And we have always been on the same page with kids. Wait until 3rd anniversary THEN we will discuss the possibility of having kids (where we are at 3 years, money, emotional ability, etc.).
So, I totally feel ya. Cheers!
This was my MIL since we hit our 1st anniversary. Everytime we would be with her it came up at least once. Just before Christmas Jay told her that she was never to ask about when we were having babies ever again and she would know when we were having babies when we announce either a pregnancy or the fact that we're having issues (we'd end up telling our parents about that even though I know not everyone would). That's what I mean about us usually being on the same page. She hasn't said anything since except once when we stopped by to tell them "Guess what?..." and we were there to tell them that bff's baby had been born and the first words out of her mouth were "You're pregnant!?!?" Silly.
Yeah, Danny had to tell her to STFU several times before it finally clicked with her....now she just sneaks in innuendo....it kills me. Did I mention here that at Danny's grandparent's picnic while future SIL & I were playing with a cousin's baby, MIL interjected (to both of us) "Doesn't it just make you want one of your own???" We both rolled our eyes and said, "No, not really. Neither of us are ready for a baby yet anyway." And MIL replied with, "Oh, that's no big deal. I could take care of a baby for you if you weren't ready." Later after MIL left, FSIL looked at me and said, "Yeah, like I'm gonna have a baby and hand it over to her until I'm 'ready.'"
I think I wanna marry my future SIL.