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Thanksgiving!!!!! small rant.., but advice please:)
Here's the dilema: my extended family lives in new england. my parents live 1/2 away and my brother lives 3 hours away. Holidays are up to me to include parents- other than christmas. Brother works for government and can't travel much.
the past 2 years i have cooked thanksgiving for my parents and husband. my inlaws came the first year- but went to their daughters for dinner last year. I want everyone together- but sister inlaw doesn't like to leave her house with her husbsnd and son. I invite them all and she doesn't even respond. I even suggested having us all at her house and I would cook/supply everything is she wanted. she's not interested. My husband feels bad that his family won't make the effort on thanksgiving.
I was asked the other day if I was cooking by a friend and now I'm starting to think it out. haha. I really just want my hubby to be happy. I feel bad that his family is like this and won't be normal on holidays! but how do i not include my parents since i don't want them sitting home along on thanksgiving!
Re: Thanksgiving!!!!! small rant.., but advice please:)
Well it is her holiday too and if she wants to spend it at her home with her family, she certainly is entitled to that. If she doesn't want to spend it with your parents, she is entitled to that as well. It doesn't make her bad or wrong, it just makes her different.
Now I agree it would be very nice if she would be willing to go to your house for Thanksgiving, however she simply doesn't want to and that's ok.
Just accept her for what she is and be happy with whatever family you can see on the holiday. Most people have to rotate families on the holidays so I think it is really good that his parents are willing to spend Thanksgiving with yours even if it is just every other year.
Why are you harboring this idea that his family all HAS to be together in order for Thanksgiving to be "normal"? SIL has her own family now, and she may also be juggling HER IL's too. And what about her DH - what kind of family does he come from? Are there siblings w/ their kids and spouses too?
Do you see how this spider-webs out?
SIL may have just decided years ago to focus on her small nuclear family in order to avoid the drama that may unsue by trying to split time, see everyone, etc. Who knows.
I think this is more about you and your DH adjusting what YOU think "normal" is.
And I really have no idea what the issue is w/ your parents - why can't you include them?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
My SIL is very different. My husband has 2 sisters- 1 who doesn't do holidays at all. My SIL with the family keeps to herself and only emails- won't call ever- when she needs something. We only ever hear from her when she needs a babysitter or to send us her son's birthday and christmas wish lists- where she highlights the top 5 gifts we can buy him. Sigh. Not something I agree with.
My husband wants to have a relationship with his nephew/godson- he is 5. So I try to make everyone happy for the holidays. Thanksgiving is tough because my husband wants to see his family. He is very close to them. It's more him then me.
I suggested having Thanksgiving together or at least appetizers or dessert or something so my husband sees his family. No such luck. I have told my husband they are not interested and lets just move on. But he says with family you always go the extra step and do what it takes.
The tricky part for me is to include my parents. Because when we don't go to SIL house my inlaws complain that we are ignoring the family on Thanksgiving. I have explained that I can't not see my parents on Thanksgiving and can't we work it out so everyone is happy and see's everyone? I don't want my parents sitting at home alone on Thanksgiving!
Regardless of anything we offer to drive the distances and do whatever it takes. My inlaws get very upset when we don't see them on Thanksgiving or any holiday for that matter. My family lives all ovet the country so I;m used to seeing everyone a few times a year and so foth. My husband and family all livewithin a 15 mile radius and have never had a family member live farther.
Maybe I should stop worrying so much about everyone and just go with whatever happens:)
OK - I see a disconnect here. Your one SIL doesn't do holidays at all, and then the other (I assume) keeps to herself. But then you say your DH wants to see them and how he is very close to them. But yet... he's struggling to have a relationship w/ his nephew.
I think your Dh WANTS his family to be close when in reality they really aren't. And this is why I go back to how I think it's him that needs to adjust HIS expectations. HE has created in his mind this ideal and then tries to argue that you all need to go the "extra step" to make it happen - but yet, is anyone else going the extra step? Um... it doesn't seem like it.
His sisters won't do anything, his parents complain if you all see your family..... and it seems like your DH's arguement about the "extra step" actually ends up falling on YOU to make happen. You're the one who ends up trying to make it work, and possibly to the exclusion of YOUR family.
Why does the "extra step" only involve his family? Is HE taking that "extra step" to make sure your parents aren't sitting at home alone????
I'm going to put this out there too as I have a brother who seems to want us to all fit the IMAGE of a super close family when we so aren't. He and I are not close, we never will be. I simply don't go out of my way for him because I feel like if I give him an inch, he'll take a mile. It's easier to just keep a perpetual wall up to keep him away.
I would really, really appreciate it if my brother would actually just RESPECT that our relationship is what it is and that he would stop pushing for it to be something it's not.
Maybe, just maybe, this "extra step" your DH thinks you all need to do actually involves HIM backing off and accepting that he isn't as close to his sisters as he wishes he was. Instead of pushing for "we all HAVE to get together", maybe he says "I respect that they want a quiet thanksgiving and insetad, I'll focus on the people who I know really do want to get together.".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You totally nailed it! He thinks they are super close, when in reality I think his sisters could care less about us.I told him and tell him all the time- this is they way they want it. don't push the issue. If a door gets slammed in your face how many times do you keep knocking?
when we first started dating I tried to include them and be friendly. I dont have any sisters and i thought it would be fun. was i wrong! His unmarried sister got mad that I "stole" her brother and started a campaign for him to break up with me. That got old and hubby put her in her place.
Since we've been married almost 2 years, I try to invite SIL and her family to dinner and plan events and literally they never call back or respond! The message is clear. now to just get the husband to understand! They are not interested!
If he comes around to the realization on his own, it might help him realize that maybe he does need to back off.
And heck, I would even say to him, if he's in a pushing "we're family, we have to get together" mode, "Honey, part of being a family is respect. Your sisters are pretty clear in how they want to spend the holidays. Perhaps you need to respect that instead of forcing YOUR view on them.".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Hyperlink removed by moderator. STOP SPAMMING THE BOARDS!
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