Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Gift Giving/Family Issue
I have an issue with gift giving this year and I need some advice on what to do.
First, I will give a little background on the situation. Every year we always buy gifts for my husbands family (mom, dad, both bros, 1 sister in law). One of the brothers had a baby with a random girl in college that he only sees once a year. We still buy gifts for b-days and x-mas for him and we always spent a lot of money on him because of the situation. (We felt bad)
This year was different we had a baby and when she turned one that brother/sister in law that has that child only sent a card and never gave us a gift. So I decided that I'm not going to buy anymore gifts and told my husband if he wanted to then he can do it. Well he never did. This brother also got his wife pregnant and had a baby which is now about 4-5 months old. (just found out she is pregnant again and is due in Feb).
Now the question is what do I do about X-mas and the rest of the other two children that he will have. Should I just give cards because thats what they did for our child? What if they end up getting us x-mas gifts and we only give them cards? What about the little boy that we never got a B-Day gift for. I never see him and he is to the max of spoildness and when we did give him gifts my husbands mom would always keep them at her house and now my child plays with them because that little boy doesnt go over there much. (They live 4 hours away). His moms excuse for keeping them is so then they have toys for him to play with when he goes there.
Thanks for your help!
Re: Gift Giving/Family Issue
I'd do the "right" thing and buy gifts for the children. A lot of the joy of the holidays is watching kids enjoy the traditions. Even if you just buy a few books and a stuffed animal, or soemthing. Maybe they can't afford it, or even if he is a jerk, it wouldn't be fairt for oyu to take it out on his kids.
or - yuou could say now that the family is expanding, you could do a secret santa type thing that way everyone is only responsible for one gift, and they are aware of it.
I don't give gifts with the expectation that I will be getting gifts in return.
I think it's the complete wrong mentality to go tit for tat with gifts. It reflects more poorly on you than the other person.
Big picture...
I'd absolutely give Christmas gifts to any kids who you will actually see at the Christmas get together.
As for the one child who you say you never see... you need to be realistic about him. He lives w/ the BM and while you were doing what you felt was right at the time, the fact is you probably really won't ever be a big part of his life.
Tit for tat aside, I honestly don't know that i'd continue to get him gifts just because he's someone you don't really know. I dont' feel being "family" means you HAVE to give gifts.
Past that - I do agree that gift giving shouldn't be "tit for tat", but at the same time, I'd have a hard time being generous w/ people who are never generous in return. It doesn't have to be about being equal as much as it has to do w/ showing appreciation and at least making an effort. If you want to back off on the gift giving, I dont' blame you.
But still... for the kids you'll actually see at Christmas, i'd give a gift to regardless of the rest of it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
we do small gifts for godchildren only- there are 12 little ones. and it's done during dessert on christmas. If someone is not there, 2 of the kids are with their dad somertimews, the gift gets sent home with the mom.
however- last year my husbands goddaughter who is 17, opened our gift and said ehhh. took the itunes and starbucks gift cards out and gave me the vera bradley wristlet back stating thanks but no thanks. we'll see what she gets from us this year at 18. i'm thinking a card. haha
If you are giving gifts with the expectation of being "paid back" with gifts, then you really aren't giving *gifts* then are you?
Do the right thing, give for the giving, not the receiving.
bfp 1 - m/c 1.31.11 @ 10 weeks
bfp 2 - baby born via c-section on 5.4.12 @ 37 weeks
TFAS since February 2013--BFP on cycle 1!
bfp 3 - blighted ovum/d&c on 4.13.13 @ 8 weeks
SA #1 - Slightly abnormal shape, #2 - very low count
Follistim + IUI 3x = BFN, BFN, very late BFP with super low progesterone --> c/p
Moving on to long protocol IVF with ICSI and PGS in August 2014...how in the holy hell did I get here? FU 2IF.
For us, once people have children, children get the gifts and no adults, except for birthdays. I think that it is wrong on your part to give a gift to one child and not others when they will be present. I also think it's wrong even if they are not there, because when they are old enough, they will talk with each other and ask what Aunt and Uncle X got them for the holiday and someone will answer nothing. I think that's horrible!
No one said you have to spend the same amount and no one said you had get loads of gifts.
Agree with every last bit of this.