Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: I'm new, but I have a question
I haven't read the responses, but they have given you "notice." They continue to do it. That's your notice.
Yes, that would be kind of annoying, but I would just expect that they'll continue to do it and don't buy the food. If they show up without food one time and then there's not any food/enough food, just let them know that you didn't get any food because they always show up with food and you didn't want to waste money. Otherwise, I'd just count myself lucky that I don't need to provide food anymore for get togethers because they'll bring it.
And don't take it personally (that you're not a good hostess, etc). Just thank them for the food and move on with life.
Wow. That is one of the cruelest things I have ever heard one spouse say to another. I actually gasped out loud when I read it. No wonder your husband sticks up for his mom over you. Her big fault is smoking and buying food for her son's family. Your big fault is you are insensitive jerk who gets her jollies by emotionally and verbally abusing her dh. Bravo b!tch.
You know the way your ILS are. They are not going to change. So you can either go crazy every time they come to your house, or you can think of ways to manage the crazy.
Start by not taking their wierd issues personally. Your FIL likes food burnt, and marinara "with no lumps." Your MIL always bring a cake. You could be the chef of a 5-star restaurant and they would do the same thing. So don't take it as an insult.
The next time they come over, ask them (you or H can ask) "are you bringing anything? You don't need to, but I don't want to buy doubles at the market, and if you bring hot dogs, I won't bother buying anything" Ditto with the cake. If you REALLY, REALLY want to be the one to make a cake, tell MIL "I"m making a fudge cake. Don't bother bringing another cake, b/c I will just put it in the freezer in case we run out of mine." If they re-arrange your food table, take their food off and put it away. Wrap it up or whatever and arrange things the way you like it. It's your home.
And you don't need to invite them to events if they will only make you crazy. Major famiy events, yes, but fantasy football - meet somewhere else or exclude them from your group.
Me too. I can't imagine telling my husband that I settled for him. That he's okay, but too bad he isn't better. That's a great way to end an argument. You know that he already has low self esteem, and you're adding a huge blow. You should be the one person, if no one else, that he should be able to be 100% okay with himself around.
This exactly. I cant imagine being upset or offended if someone brought chips/hot dogs to a football party. Its not as if this is some elegant sit down meal that you planned like 5 specific courses. If you dont want it/like it, throw it away after they leave. Its really not that big of a deal. And if you're so worried about having spent $20 more than "necessary", maybe you shouldnt be hosting parties because it sounds like you really cant afford it.
I should have prefaced this with the fact that this little "joke" actually was started by a friend of his, whose mom also smoked when she was pregnant with him. The friend had made the comment before, but he told his mom that yeah, he turned out OK, but maybe instead of being a teacher he was supposed to be an astronaut. So it's not my joke... it's something I stole from DH's friend that DH found funny, and still does.
That doesn't make it anymore classy to repeat an offensive joke. You said previously that your dh was sensitive about his cleft palate, yet you still say things like that? Not ok and not funny. How would you like it if he made fun of something you were sensitive about and had NO CONTROL over? I doubt you would be laughing then.
That doesn't make it anymore classy to repeat an offensive joke. You said previously that your dh was sensitive about his cleft palate, yet you still say things like that? Not ok and not funny. How would you like it if he made fun of something you were sensitive about and had NO CONTROL over? I doubt you would be laughing then.
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Seriously. Because no one has ever covered up something they were self conscious about by, trying to make a joke about it.
i agree with previous poster, if you're going to host a meal that your in-laws will be coming to, ask her what she was thinking about bringing. Or invite them over for non meal events.
And you don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but is it possible that your sil could be bringing food to your mil to show her how annoying it is when someone does that?
The joke isn't about his palate---I would NEVER joke about that. Every day he looks in the mirror and struggles with his appearance. I think he is a beautiful person, inside and out, and I have to convince him that he is beautiful on the outside. It breaks my heart because our friends and my family were all shocked when they learned he was born with it because you really can't tell. He has 1 tiny little scar on his lip and that is all he sees when he looks in the mirror. So, like his teacher friend jokes about being OK vs. being an astronaut, I make the joke to DH and usually say "Yeah, but you could have been a doctor. Then I would never have to work." Then I wink and he knows I'm joking. Life is good. This is our relationship---full of jokes and humor.
And I don't know if my SIL is doing this to show MIL how annoying it is... SIL has brought stuff over when MIL wasn't invited, so I really don't know.
Also... to everyone saying that I should just call my ILs before they come, etc, I do. We always tell them not to bring anything. They always say, OK, we won't. Then they show up with stuff. Sometimes sweets, sometimes salty snacks, etc. If they brought the same thing every time, I wouldn't buy those things. But it's always different, so I can't plan accordingly. However, I do think I will start sending their food back home with them, under the guise of "that way we can snack on it next time we come over to visit."
And to the person who said we can't "afford" to have people over, we can afford to invite family to our house. But I would rather use the $20 we essentially wasted to buy my kid an extra pack of diapers, or buy myself a new shirt or pair of pants for my new job since none of my old dress clothes fit.
WTF?
I used to manage a supermarket. My staff would take back anything for any reason so long as it was something we stocked. We'd trash commodity meats, but brand name items like the dogs would be returned to a vendor or sales rep for credit. Items that are tamper evident and within their sell by date would be returned to the sales floor.