here is something for you/a vent

amandasw

So yeah, we pretty much never have sex.  It's no ones fault really, but I think because I work slightly less than him, it's bugging me more.  We took that vacation to CA like a married couple with kids goes on a date: we hardly spend quality time together and we just don't have much sex.  I know that it is directly related to how stressed out/tired he is - when he's in school, it's all he can think about and I know he's tired.  Right now he's working a lot of 12+ hour days plus getting up before that to study, how can I be like: "hey we should have sex, even if it means you get less sleep"?  I realize the typical answer is: sex is an important part of your relationship so you should make time.  But I'm being 100% serious when I say I know he doesn't have time.  Everything else is fine btw, no arguing, we like making dinner together and grocery shopping (lol that's what we consider a 'date' right now). 

If you're wondering, I have told him and it usually doesn't end well - and I don't mean in the normal way that it turns into a fight, I mean that at the end I feel guilty for complaining about it because he ends up explaining he's working his hardest because he's terrified of getting sent away for residency and is doing this so we can be together.  Yeah, who looks like a d!ck now?!  lol  

There's really not much to do IMO, so this is more like complaining/venting rather than needing advice.  We have good communication, but I just try not to bring it up too often because I know he's doing the best he can.  And it's better I say it here than say a snide comment to him, trying to make a joke, but I know it hurts his feelings.

uwhuskygirl

I feel your pain, yo. I really, really do.

I had intentions of sexxytime last night, but I fell asleep mid sentence! 

Anyway, how much longer till he starts his residency? 

amandasw

uwhuskygirl:

I feel your pain, yo. I really, really do.

I had intentions of sexxytime last night, but I fell asleep mid sentence! 

Anyway, how much longer till he starts his residency? 

well, the applications went up yesterday!  match day is in April though, so it will be a little while.  the worst part: this is just a small taste of what residency will be like *laugh to keep from crying*  He's doing what they call a sub-internship right now, where they basically treat you like a resident at a place you want to apply to.  So yeah, this really IS what it will be like if he gets in there.  Ugh.  

uwhuskygirl

amandasw:

well, the applications went up yesterday!  match day is in April though, so it will be a little while.  the worst part: this is just a small taste of what residency will be like *laugh to keep from crying*  He's doing what they call a sub-internship right now, where they basically treat you like a resident at a place you want to apply to.  So yeah, this really IS what it will be like if he gets in there.  Ugh.  

Then it's 2 years in residency? 

amandasw

LegalBritt:

That's really tough. Sex is an important part of marraige. Sometimes we go a couple weeks without having sex and it's not even that I WANT it so much as I feel like we should do it. And then if you bring it up and he doesn't want to you feel rejected...at least I do. Even if he's legitimately tired. On the sex and romance board the girls there say "No normal man ever turns down sex even if he is tired." Which makes me so paranoid that he's just not attracted to me anymore since I've gained some weight. But I think that's BS. Men's libido's can be totally depleted by stress and sleep deprivation.

yes, that is total BS.  But I totally think that sometimes and get into a spiral of "what if he isn't interested" blah blah, even though I know the truth.  

LegalBritt:

It must be very frustrating for you...hopefull there is a light at the end of the tunnel soon so you can spend more quality time together. And it sounds like the time you do spend together is quality time...not sitting around watching TV and ignoring eachother.

lol, well, sometimes we're both so tired that we do just watch TV instead of doing something.  But it just is natural because he's tired and doesn't want to think anymore.  We do have fun with the things I mentioned (cooking, etc) and talk about our days, but there's 0 effort to go out and do something that isn't related to chores.  Sometimes I feel like we won't have looked into each others faces for days - although that's not totally fair because he's over a foot taller, lol.  But you know, go out to dinner and sat across from each other, just thinking about "us".

amandasw

uwhuskygirl:

amandasw:

well, the applications went up yesterday!  match day is in April though, so it will be a little while.  the worst part: this is just a small taste of what residency will be like *laugh to keep from crying*  He's doing what they call a sub-internship right now, where they basically treat you like a resident at a place you want to apply to.  So yeah, this really IS what it will be like if he gets in there.  Ugh.  

Then it's 2 years in residency? 

I can't remember, but I think it's 3, maybe only 2

uwhuskygirl

amandasw:

uwhuskygirl:

amandasw:

well, the applications went up yesterday!  match day is in April though, so it will be a little while.  the worst part: this is just a small taste of what residency will be like *laugh to keep from crying*  He's doing what they call a sub-internship right now, where they basically treat you like a resident at a place you want to apply to.  So yeah, this really IS what it will be like if he gets in there.  Ugh.  

Then it's 2 years in residency? 

I can't remember, but I think it's 3, maybe only 2

On the bright side at least you know this will end at some point? 

jennlin

i'm late to the game but just want to say sorry.  and hopefully you two will be able to recoup and get a break soon.

amandasw

uwhuskygirl:

amandasw:

uwhuskygirl:

amandasw:

well, the applications went up yesterday!  match day is in April though, so it will be a little while.  the worst part: this is just a small taste of what residency will be like *laugh to keep from crying*  He's doing what they call a sub-internship right now, where they basically treat you like a resident at a place you want to apply to.  So yeah, this really IS what it will be like if he gets in there.  Ugh.  

Then it's 2 years in residency? 

I can't remember, but I think it's 3, maybe only 2

On the bright side at least you know this will end at some point? 

lol yeah, that's true.  And I think residency will at least only be tired vs. med school which is tired + stressed.  Hopefully when he gets time off, for example, it won't be necessary to use that to study and can instead do things with me!

mgoss228

I think it's fairly normal for busy married couples to not have sex as often as they used to.  DH and I had been in a bit of a "dry spell" for the last couple of years due to various stressful/busy things (wedding planning, monkey bite-his work, weird work schedules), but now we schedule our sexy time at least once a week.  And that really helped with my libido (and his too, I think).  Sunday mornings are now ALWAYS

And we work in 0 to 1 other times per week, which is plenty to make us happy.  Each relationship is different, and you don't need to have sex 4-5 a week to be a happy couple (but there is also nothing wrong if you do).   Okay, end of my sexy-time opinion.

dreamwinds

amandasw:

well, the applications went up yesterday!  match day is in April though, so it will be a little while.  the worst part: this is just a small taste of what residency will be like *laugh to keep from crying*  He's doing what they call a sub-internship right now, where they basically treat you like a resident at a place you want to apply to.  So yeah, this really IS what it will be like if he gets in there.  Ugh.  

What? You mean real life residency is nothing like Grey's Anatomy where they seem to have sex ALL the time in random corners of the hospital? Why would anyone want to be a doctor otherwise?

But more seriously... this really sucks. We had a dry spell, mostly cause holy crap, I forgot how much periods not on the pill suck and getting back in the saddle is proving to be tough.

If he's too tired to do like actual sex, is mutual uh... oral too tiring too? (I don't know why I blushed when I typd that, I really don't know. :P) For some reason, this never seems to need as much time or energy as regular sex.

Or fooling around on the couch while watching tv?

I don't know. ;-;

jennlin

dreamwinds:

If he's too tired to do like actual sex, is mutual uh... oral too tiring too? (I don't know why I blushed when I typd that, I really don't know. :P) For some reason, this never

this is what we do. requires way less work, and gets the job done. we usually do one or the other person though, rarely both.

amandasw

dreamwinds:

What? You mean real life residency is nothing like Grey's Anatomy where they seem to have sex ALL the time in random corners of the hospital? Why would anyone want to be a doctor otherwise?

I know, right?  I was totally tricked into this marriage  

dreamwinds:

 

But more seriously... this really sucks. We had a dry spell, mostly cause holy crap, I forgot how much periods not on the pill suck and getting back in the saddle is proving to be tough.

If he's too tired to do like actual sex, is mutual uh... oral too tiring too? (I don't know why I blushed when I typd that, I really don't know. :P) For some reason, this never seems to need as much time or energy as regular sex.

Or fooling around on the couch while watching tv?

I don't know. ;-;

really?  for some reason I always feel like sex is easier/less work, lol  I don't know why.  

amandasw

LegalBritt:

mgoss228:

Sunday mornings are now AWAYS

I can't get into morning sex. Do you get up and brush your teeth and stuff first? I feel so crusty when I first wake up. My hair is all crazy and my eyes are puffy and have eye goo in them from falling asleep with my contacts in. Haha.

if we start before I realize how gross I feel then I don't even think about it, but if we lay there for a while first and I actually wake up, then I can't, lol

sarack

i'm sorry!!!! i'm late too...

so it's probably bad but because H and I have really been trying to work out and eat right, we have been spending so much time doing that and keeping ourselves busy with other things so we don't want to eat crap, we've totally stopped having sex. maybe like once a week if that.

he has been working a different schedule and sometimes i find myself having extra time and i think about self servicing but then i am too tired...

life is too much right now.

i don't even have a really good excuse like you, but there's my issue!

KST_

*timidly raises hand* Not all couples have sex even weekly.  Everyone has different libido and needs and yes, men DO turn down sex due to being overly tired and stressed. Some men are more affected by that and it can downright kill their libido.

How about just some good skin-to-skin contact time? Not being "active" but that contact still produces oxytocin and bonding and may help. So when he's tired but still a little wound up and you're watching tv, try some good cuddling. We do that. H lies on the couch and then I snuggle up on top of him like a blanket face down. Most of the time I don't care what he's watching, I just want the closeness. We call it being a "<insert first name>forter", like comforter. It doesn't solve the sex issue, but may help with the feeling of loss of connection.

amandasw

KST_:

How about just some good skin-to-skin contact time? Not being "active" but that contact still produces oxytocin and bonding and may help. So when he's tired but still a little wound up and you're watching tv, try some good cuddling. We do that. H lies on the couch and then I snuggle up on top of him like a blanket face down. Most of the time I don't care what he's watching, I just want the closeness. We call it being a "<insert first name>forter", like comforter. It doesn't solve the sex issue, but may help with the feeling of loss of connection.

this is totally cute and awesome advice!

MiniSteph

Also late to the game.

I completely understand. For the longest time sex was so painful for me that we just never did it. I got some help and it's a lot better, but it still isn't where I want it to be. 

I hope things get better for you! 

amandasw

MiniSteph:

Also late to the game.

I completely understand. For the longest time sex was so painful for me that we just never did it. I got some help and it's a lot better, but it still isn't where I want it to be. 

I hope things get better for you! 

thanks

mgoss228

LegalBritt:

mgoss228:

Sunday mornings are now ALWAYS

I can't get into morning sex. Do you get up and brush your teeth and stuff first? I feel so crusty when I first wake up. My hair is all crazy and my eyes are puffy and have eye goo in them from falling asleep with my contacts in. Haha.

Sorry to respond so late, but I had a super busy weekend.  DH and I have no shame, and will take each other with morning breath, gross hair, whatever.  I'm too sleepy at night, and since we're already in bed when we wake up, it makes it all the easier = why morning sex is the best, imo!