Oklahoma Nesties
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Does Anyone Else Have This Problem?
I am not sure why, but it seems that once you get married the only people you and your DH hang out with are other marrieds, engageds, or serious daters. My DH and I have quite a few friends who are newlyweds - but it is so sad to me to see how their marriages are ALREADY falling apart. We did not really have a "honeymoon" stage to fall out of, because we were 100% real with each other from the time we started dating. It is sad to me to see that now most of our friends are becoming themselves with their spouses and are now having extreme marital problems. While we are working on lovingly supporting them through these difficult times, it is hard to only have friends who come over for counseling sessions. I am really wanting us to have just that one great couple that we can do everything with - date nights, couples' weekend getaways, celebrations - just live life with. I am not sure how to meet other couples who are in the same stage of life as us (newly married), who share our values, and whose marriage doesn't seem to be a rollercoaster of someone always leaving. We have tried looking for a new church with a new married program, but have not found anything. Any ideas??
Re: Does Anyone Else Have This Problem?
First, welcome to the Nest!
Second, what happened to the single friends you had before? I think instead of focusing on making friends who are married, I'd focus on just making friends, period. Some will be married, some will get married, some will stay married. I know---it's hard not to have that "go to" couple, but they'll come along sooner or later, I promise! My parents currently have two "go-to" couples----but they just met them 15 years ago (so, 13 years into their marriage.) DH and I don't have kids yet, and I think that's been an impediment to making friends. My parents' best friends, for example, are the parents of kids who played on the same sports team with my little brother for years. They HAD to be together at least 3 nights/week every summer, and then traveled together on the weekends for sports, which absolutely facilitated their relationships.
Finally, I hate to say this, but demographics are against you right now if you're fairly young (early 20s). The divorce rate for early 20-somethings is really high, especially in Oklahoma. (NB: That said, I fullly believe that in many cases, divorce is actually a good thing. You get one shot at this life, so why spend it being miserable?) If your friends are fairly young, you just kind of have to deal with some flux in the group for now. Once you make it to 30 or so, the friends who need "counseling sessions" and who have "extreme marital problems" will select themselves out of this marriage, and often into healthier relationships. It'll be easier to find more stable couples at that point.
We've had great luck with meet-up.com groups and meeting some folks through work. We're still kind of in the "getting to know you" phase with these individuals and couples, but I see some real potential there!
This is by no means a way to sound cynical but you have only been married a few months, it is rather easy to think of relative "easiness" when you are still in the newness... give your friends a break of sorts.
With that being said, no. We have our own friends. It has always been important for me to maintain my friendships and my best friend of 8 years is still single. My hubby's great friend is single and it works. A few of our friends are married but there is always a catch, all of them have kids and we do not.
We've had several friends get divorced and are now in new relationships. Don't be too quick to write them off or cut them out, because you may be losing out on a really great pair for later.
Not everyone adjusts to marriage the way that you do--just because the relationship is great and you haven't had any trouble yet doesn't mean that it won't come your way in a couple of years. Maybe it won't and you'll be the lucky ones. But being there for your friends through thick and thin would be important to me, regardless of how many times I had to help them through a hard time.
"Lovingly supporting" does not equal finding a new great couple to do everything with. It sounds like you're just unwilling to be there through the good and the bad with the friends the two of you already have. That's sad. My point? Make new friends, that's great. But don't ditch the old.