International Nesties
Publius
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Can we talk about Asian culture?
I've had the following conversation no fewer than half a dozen times:
-"Are you married?"
Publius-"Yes I am"
-Do you have any kids?
Publius- "Nope, no kids yet"
-Oh, did you just get married?
Publius- "No, over four years ago"
-Then why don't you have kids?"
My canned reply of, "The thing about kids is once you have them, you can't give them back" seems to be incredibly confusing and only prolongs the conversation.
At first I thought that maybe this was just a Malaysian thing, but lately I've been having this conversation with immigrants of various Asian citizenships too. Is there something cultural across certain parts of Asia that finds it odd that a married woman wouldn't have children?
Re: Can we talk about Asian culture?
I don't know about Asian culture, and if that is normal there. It's really none of their business why you don't have kids.
Maybe if they ask you why you don't have kids, you could say something like, "Most Americans would consider that a rude question."
I don't know that it's an Asian thing specifically. I'd imagine you'd get the same in lots of more traditional parts of the world, including the Middle East (yes, technically a part of the Asian continent, but different culturally), Africa, and South America. Basically, the developing world.
It wasn't so long ago that even in the US the point of getting married was to have kids. I'm sure there are a lot of crazy fundamentalist religious types that still feel that way today.
It is only recently in human history that the idea that children are something to put off until you feel you have experienced life enough or whatever has really started to take hold.
I've had that conversation more times than I can count here. Just last week, my co-worker who is about my age saw a photo of my niece on my desk and said "One for you soon?" When I said no not for awhile, she just didn't get it. The best excuse I could come up with was that I don't have room for a baby in my apartment.
My landlord actually strapped a neighbor's Baby Bjorn, complete with child, onto me during a Chinese New Year Party, nodded happily and walked away without saying a word.
Now jumping domestically.
Well that was a crazy couple of years.
Ha ha! Yes, I've had the same conversation many times.An old lady even followed me around the supermarket once telling me what to do to conceive. I finally told her I was too young to have a child and ran away!
I remember also always being asked: how many kids were in my family and how many countries I've travelled as well.
This is definitely common for me here in Doha! I get that question all the time! If I'm shopping or where ever, I am constantly asked if I am married, once I say yes, they ask about kids, and they always seemed surprised when I say no. And then yep they ask how long I've been married.
I can't explain it...I just think culture is very different here, and they get married young and have babies young. I don't think there's really a question of them not having kids you know? So it's weird that we don't have any children yet.
Dave & Jennifer 10.18.08
My Doha Adventures
Yes, I think there is.
Recently, I was reading up on Indonesia while trying to plan a vacation there. I specifically remember reading that Indonesians love children and will often ask questions that seem rather intrusive to those of us from the West but are very common questions for the culture. The guide book also suggested that you say you are married and have children if asked even if you don't to avoid further questions. Basically it said people wouldn't understand the concept of "choice".
I've seen some of this in Singapore also.
I agree that a lot of cultures are like this. Israelis are very upfront about asking about procreation plans. I can't tell you how many strangers would look at my ring, ask if I was married, and then ask how many children I have, why I don't have any children, when am I getting pregnant, if I'm having enough sex, etc. It's annoying for sure.
Over here we got the inquiry of when we were having another child. Before getting pregnant I would just say "we haven't been blessed yet" and they would accept that.
Our other common shocker is that DH is Filipino with a Caucasian wife instead of a Caucasian man with a Filipino wife. Literally met Filipinos by the hundreds who have never seen such a pairing.