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How would you handle this?
I've got my own thoughts on the situation, but I'm interested in some different perspectives on the matter... This is a real situation that someone I know is dealing with, and has come to me looking for advice. Sorry it's so long....
This person, let's call him Bob, works with a woman, let's call her Sue. Bob and Sue were once very good friends. They shared a lot of confidences, and considered themselves allies at work (they work in an environment that's rife with politics, gossip and drama). Earlier this year, Sue applied for a position in Bob's department. Bob even helped her prepare for the interviews. Sue got the position.
Shortly after she joined the department, Sue and Bob had a falling out, after Sue lied to Bob about something, and participated in something she knew would upset Bob. Bob felt betrayed by Sue, and ultimately decided that he couldn't trust her as a friend (the incident, and subsequent lie were more of a "straw that broke the camel's back", and not the only concern Bob had about Sue).
Sue became incensed that Bob no longer wanted to be personal friends with her (even though Bob expressed that he had no problem working with her and being professional). She began talking about Bob behind his back to other colleagues in the department, ignoring Bob and leaving him out of things (even work-related things), and trying to turn others against Bob. Sue is a very persuasive, "seductive" woman, who tends to get her way, and soon had a few other colleagues (who previously had no issue with Bob) acting coolly towards him. Bob refused to participate in the gossip, talk sh*t behind Sue's back, or try to turn people against Sue, and now he's suffering for it (because people seem drawn in by the lies and gossip Sue is spreading, and Bob has no way to "defend" himself without playing her game, nor does he know exactly what Sue is telling people).
A few months ago this caught the attention of their then-boss, who called both Sue and Bob into his office. He was concerned about Bob and Sue's ability to work together. Sue began railing about her personal grievances against Bob, and even told their boss highly sensitive, irrelevant, personal information about Bob that had previously been told to Sue in strict confidence -- using it in a twisted attempt to try to defend some of her unprofessional actions. Fortunately, the boss saw right through it, and called her on it. It ultimately came down to their then-boss asking if they would be able to work together professionally. They both agreed that they could and would.
Bob made the effort to separate personal from professional, and treated Sue like any other colleague. He even made efforts to join the others in the department when they went out for lunch together (prior to that he'd generally decline to avoid spending "personal time" around Sue), to show that he could be both professional and cordial, even though they were no longer close friends. When work related matters came up with Sue, Bob handled it just like he would have with anyone else.
Sue, however, seemed unable to accept that Bob no longer wanted to be friends with her. She continued to ignore him. If Bob had information or resources she needed for her work, she'd either try to get it from anyone else but him first (sometimes doing things like calling people who were on vacation for the info, even though Bob was only a few desks away and had that info too), or try to get it from him in a round-about away (instead of just asking directly -- to which Bob says he would have complied without any issue). Multiple times now, Sue has "blown up" at Bob in the office -- typically when nobody else is around. She always brings up personal stuff (particularly the reasons Bob cited that he no longer wanted to be friends). Bob tries his hardest to not "get into it" with her, and to steer the discussion back to work-related matters. But Sue is kind of "unstable", and prone to dramatics and manipulative tactics.
Bob and Sue had to work on a project together yesterday, and this morning Bob requested they go together to visit an important vendor regarding that project. Sue seemed to protest Bob coming along, and when Bob asked whether she had a particular issue with him going, she "blew up" at him again. This time, most of the "blow up" was in front of another colleague, who Bob believes Sue has been gossiping to about him, and has essentially turned against Bob (even though Bob and this other guy have never had any issues working together before, and always respected each other). Sue then stormed out of the office with this other guy to go to the vendor (even though this other guy wasn't directly involved in the project), leaving Bob behind.
Bob is becoming increasingly concerned about Sue's attacks and "blow ups" on him. She made a comment to him that her husband had come by the day before to drop off lunch for her, but refused to come into the office "because Bob was there". Bob used to know and be friendly with Sue's husband before the falling out, so this was somewhat surprising to him. Bob also says that Sue basically told him today that she won't work with him unless absolutely necessary. This is kind of a big deal, since the people in the department tend to collaborate frequently on projects, and Bob is one of the most senior/experienced people in the department (although he's still of the same "rank" as Sue). And because she had previously promised the old boss that she had no problem working with Bob (as did Bob).
Bob worries about what Sue might do, and that she might take this "to a different level" soon. He hasn't done anything wrong, but he knows Sue's propensity for lying and being dramatic in order to get her way.
Bob has tried to keep the new-boss (who just started two months ago) out of it, although he suspects he may be somewhat aware that there is an issue between Sue and Bob.
I suggested to Bob that he discuss this with the new boss, to make him aware that their previous agreement (that they would be able to work together) is not being upheld. But Bob knows this will only infuriate Sue, and likely make her act out towards him even more. Plus, he is embarrassed about it, and doesn't want the new boss to think that HE can't handle working with Sue despite their personal issues, even though he's confident that he can (Bob just wants to leave the personal friendship and issues in the past, and just do his job). He's worried that it's a lot of "he said, she said" kind of stuff, and he doesn't know what kind of lies Sue might tell to make herself look like the victim, and Bob look like the "bully" (even though it's really the other way around).
Any suggestions on how you'd handle this?
Re: How would you handle this?
Bob is really reluctant to transfer, unfortunately. Assignment to this particular department is something he worked hard to get, and if he leaves this department he'll essentially have to take a "demotion". It's kind of a "special assignment" kind of thing. Technically, his assignment to this department ends in another 1-2 years anyway. But it seems completely unfair to him that he should be forced out because Sue can't handle being professional.
I did tell him to talk to his new boss about it (it doesn't seem like Bob is sure how much the new boss knows -- it's possible the old boss told him about it when passing on the reigns). And I did tell him to document everything as a "cover your ass" move.
I agree that Bob should look into the HR route. I would want to confront her and address this issue head-on, but given how unstable and manipulative she sounds, I wouldn't risk a 1:1 meeting with her. Have HR there to be an objective third party.
Bob should explain his concerns and the history of the story to HR. Be factual; it sounds like he would never throw her under the bus, but on the other hand he shouldn't be overly kind either and leave out relevant details about how unprofessional she's being and how she's letting personal issues affect professional life.
After that meeting, HR might choose to talk to Sue alone or mediate a discussion between them. Either way, this would help document the issues and leaves new boss out of the equation for the time being. I don't think I'd want to go to new boss about this just yet.
Thanks for the thoughts, ladies. I'll suggest that he go to HR about it as well. I keep thinking it would be better for him to get ahead of this if he's really worried she might try to "take it up another level".
Bob is such a level-headed, responsible guy, and I think he's worried that she's trying to trash his reputation, knowing that he isn't likely to forcefully stand up for himself or try to fight back (because he's quite non-confrontational). He's been trying to just let it go, and just keep acting professional and hope she eventually chills out. But clearly that's not happening, and it has been around 6 months, I think, since the initial falling-out occurred.
He needs to understand that she's not letting it go and that by not saying anything he's going to start "looking guilty by omission". He needs to let the company know what's going on. To me this would fall under harrassment and Sue needs to be confronted by the company. I think women get away with harrassment much easier than men do because men don't want to tell anyone. All it's going to do is back him into a corner where he is the bad guy and Sue gets away with her plan. He needs to speak up asap.
I would tell Bob that he needs to stand up for himself now rather than wait until she might "take it to another level" and him try to stand up for himself at that point. He needs to get ahead of this $hit storm before it hits.
My own two cents: Being in my job (LEO) I think it is harder to talk to a superior about issues you might have with fellow personnel. You don't want to have to be a "snitch" and would rather try to fix the problem yourself by talking to that person, ignoring them or other means. It sounds like Bob has exhausted all of those things and needs an HR representative to mediate. It's time to throw in the hat and recognize that Sue is crazy and there is no way to negotiate working with her