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FI mad that I won't do one thing
Hi, I've been on here for a few months, but I don't want this associated with my real SN. I'm not a troll.
FI and I have been together just one month shy of 4 years. We're engaged to be married next April. He's told me what he wants, sexually, and I've been doing those things. But just last night he decided that he wants me to...ahem...finger myself for him. I do NOT feel comfortable with this at all. Yeah, there are other things we do that I don't feel comfortable with, and I still do them, but this is a different story. This is one of those things that I will not do.
So after learning that I won't do this (even though I do everything else), he totally retreats from me and pushed me away because I was "too close". He told me (via text because when he gets angry, he won't talk), "I'm done. Obviously you don't love me." As I was leaving (we both still live at our parents), he says that we've been together for just 4 years and he's already bored. I left, and he sent me texts such as "I want someone who will love me as much as I love them". How does he not understand he's my world?? I do everything else he wants. I say no to one thing, and this is what happens.
I'm incredibly hurt and confused right now.
Re: FI mad that I won't do one thing
So does your church "frown upon" masturbation, but not premarital sex?
Him measuring your love by what you will do and won't do sexually is absolutely absurd. he sounds incredibly manipulative and just incredibly ignorant (putting you down because you're uncomfortable with fulfilling one fantasy...really why would you even want to be in a relationship like that?).
I personally don't see the big deal in masturbating in front of a spouse but if it's something that you're not comfortable with he should respect that or you can figure out a way to do it in which you'll still be comfortable (like playing with yourself during intercourse so that you feel less 'on display'). Him walking away angry, telling you he's bored, that you don't love him because of it, and communicating only by text when angry are a major red flags for you.
It's not so much what he wanted you to do that's bad, it's just how he reacted when you told him no. I would not want to marry a guy like this.
Whether you should or should not be comfortable with masturbation is irrelevant. Your fiance doesn't love you as much as he says if he's planning to break up with you because you won't do something you're uncomfortable with in bed.
He's acting like a spoiled child. What, exactly, do you see in him?
And what's going to happen when he becomes "bored" with watching you masturbate? Is he going to act like this if you don't want to do anal sex/watch pornography with him/have a threesome/whatever, constantly bullying you into doing more and more things (I'm assuming) you'd be uncomfortable with to keep him satisfied? I doubt his behaviour will end here.
I think that he is overreacting a lot, and he is taking a huge leap by assuming you do not love him because you won't do one thing. So that sucks, I'm really sorry. You just gotta communicate. If something makes you really uncomfortable, than tell him. But relationships are also about compromise. I'm not saying you should give in, but maybe you can say something like "I'm not comfortable with this, how about we try ___?"
Good luck
Your FI doesn't want to marry you anymore, and he's being extremely immature in the way that he's breaking up with you. It's that simple. Even if you agreed to do what he wanted, he'd still come up with an excuse to break up with you.
So cry, grieve, eat some ice cream and drink some wine. And then start canceling any wedding plans you've made. Hopefully it's far enough out that you can get any deposits you've put down refunded.
Breaking off an engagement will hurt MUCH LESS than divorcing in a year because he's cheating on you.
I agree with this, but I also wanted to add that if you two are sexually incompatible, it is far better to get this matter sorted out now before you are married. You get to decide what you are willing to do or not do, and he gets to decide if he can be happy and satisfied with that or if he needs to see somebody else. Why are you doing things in bed that you are not comfortable with? You realize that this is unsustainable, yes?
If you are doing things now that make you uncomofortable, and you continue to do these things in the future, sooner or later you are going to hold loads of resentment toward you loving H who will have asked you to compromise yourself for his own sexual gratification. There really will be no good ending to this if your FI doesn't respect you and you don't respect yourself.
Like the other poster asked, if your church frowns upon masterbation, how do they feel about premarital sex? You can't pick and choose which sins you are for and against. That being said, masterbation is not a sin. There is nothing wrong with it. You should know your own body.
I also agree that your FI is extremely immature and is just trying to find away out of the relationship. He doesn't want to be the one to blame, nor does he want to just flat out say he isn't ready for marriage. I think it's time to start letting go of this relationship.
Be thankful this happened, because you just dodged a huge bullet. This guy is either a giant douchecanoe, too nutless to tell you that he wants out, or both.
Yeah, it hurts. But it will get better quickly and you'll find someone better than this guy. And there are LOTS of better guys out there.
Sounds like a huge over reaction to me... Which gets me wondering why he is reacting so much. Had it been me in your situation I would start wondering if A.) He was acting out because he no longer wants to be in this relationship or B.) He is very sensitive sexually and your denial really tugged at his ego, in which case his (and it sounds like your) sexual immaturity is a plateau that must be crossed before this wedding come April!
I would stop texting each other, give yourself a few days to collect your thoughts and feelings and then meet him for lunch or dinner in a place that you two can discuss things calmly and rationally and you can find out what is really going on.
But, you have to be ready to answer his questions too. If he loves you, and he wants to be with you and he wants to make the sex work he is going to have to know why you are really uncomfortable masturbating in front of him because your excuse about the church being against it is only shelter to hide in. Ultimately it is because you just don't want to do it and you have to admit that to yourself before you can admit it to him. Search in yourself and find out why you are really sexually closed down. Because if your church is against you masturbating for your fiance, then they sure as hell are against you having sex with him too!
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker
So you've been with him since you were 17. And he's "your world". Oy. Please realize that we've all had teen love and most of us are not w/ that person anymore. For a list of reasons.
You CAN find a better than this guy. TRUST ME, you can.
If he REALLY loved you, he wouldn't make you do things you aren't comfortable doing. he sounds very immature and if he plays games like this over your sex life, I have a feeling he plays games w/ you in other areas too.
He's not worth it. Again- you can do so much better.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
1. I'm extremely disturbed that you are participating in sexual acts that you are not comfortable with. He's using sex as a tool to manipulate you - seeing how far he can push you before you push back. This is not a good person. A good person accepts your limits and does not pressure you for more. He has placed conditions upon his love for you. And when he doesn't get his way - when you actually stand up for yourself - he punishes you by withdrawing this "love". Holy cow is that unhealthy, and a clear indicator that he's not really in love with you.
2. A good marriage partner is one who can communicate openly and effectively. The fact that he shuts down when angry and only texts you means he is nowhere close to being a good partner. Life will be very difficult to navigate with a guy like this by your side.
3. You are both waaaaay too young for marriage. I think if you had more life experience you would have zeroed in on how fvcked up this relationship is much more quickly. Go out, live your life, and date. You don't get a medal for marrying your prom date. You're much more likely to need a lawyer instead.
ETA: 4. I'm picking up on some self-esteem/codependency issues with you. I think if your identity weren't so intertwined with his, you'd have dumped his ass a long time ago. Please seek out some counseling for yourself. Preferably of the non-clergy variety.
There are a lot of red flags here.
You are engaging in sexual activities with him that make you uncomfortable. Why are you doing this? Does he pressure you, or do you feel unable to express your true feelings to him without him overreacting like you described above?
You are both very young and have been together since you were teenagers. You may not see this as a problem now, but people aren't making it up when they say you will change a LOT in the next few years. I can barely recognize the person I was at 19, 21, even 23 (as I was getting divorced from the man I married at 22).
Your fiance sounds extremely immature and manipulative. Accusing you of not loving him because you won't masturbate in front of him is not the reaction of a grown man who respects his partner. He also stated he is bored - well, it's entirely possible that this relationship has run its course, but instead of telling you honestly that he wants to break up, he's acting like a spoiled child who was denied a treat.
You each still live with your respective parents. This indicates that you have not "fledged" yet and have not lived on your own as an adult. Like I said before, you may not see this as important now, but in my experience, jumping from living with my parents (and in a dorm) to getting married was detrimental.
You stated that he is "your world." This in itself worries me. Another person should not be your whole world.
If I were you, I'd cut my losses and move on.
This guy's not ready to get married.
Your problem is NOT feeling uncomfortable masturbating in front of him -- your problem is that he is IMMATURE.
He shuts you out when he gets po'd and texts you? This is not the way an adult handles things.
And he is emotionally blackmailing you. No guy worth your while or worth his salt will pressure you into doing something you do not want to do.
RETHINK this guy. Not mature, like I said, and not ready to get married.
This. I don't care what he asked you do, I can't believe anybody on this board is even bringing up why you don't want to masturbate in front of him, because it truly does not matter. They only thing that matters is his response to you when you told him you didn't want to do something in the bedroom. It was flat out wrong, and screams that he doesn't give a damn about you. Don't bother with counseling, don't listen to his excuses, just get out of this "relationship". You do not want to be with a guy like this, and you sure the hell don't want to have kids with him or be financially tied to him. Run for the hills.
As someone who is newly divorced after seven years of marriage (together for 12 years), I will say that this is definitely a red flag. You say you are 21 and 22. I can guess that he is not mature enough (heck, some guys my age aren't mature enough and I'm in my late 30's!) to get married yet. A pp said that it will hurt much less to break up the engagement than it will to get divorced. That person is correct. I had a very amicable divorce, but it's still been VERY hard. I'm doing well now, but divorce is definitely a rollercoaster of emotions and can really strain you financially. If you do plan on staying with him, I suggest you get counseling BEFORE you get married to see if this is what you really want. You are young and have the rest of your life ahead of you. Make sure you are happy.:)
^^^^
My thoughts exactly.
Get out while you can! This man does not deserve you. Any man who asks you to do something you are not comfortable with in bed or elsewhere is not a good person. You need to figure out why you put up with him for so long so you don't find another relationship just like this. YOu might want to check out a book called Co-dependent no more. As others have said, you need counseling for yourself. You need to get out of your parents home and live on your own. You need to grow up.
A man should not be your world. You should be your own world, first. I lost my husband of 17 years, six years ago. We were together for 25 years. If I had not been my own person, I would have been lost. You need your own identity and your own financial status in the world today and not feel like you are nothing without a man.
Lose this loser and get yourself the help you need so you can go on and find someone worthy of a future together.
Uh, yeah.
There are a ton of red flags here. First off you should not be doing things that make you feel uncomfortable in bed. You need to tell him now that you are uncomfortable doing the things you have compromised on. If you have been doing them for this long and still are not comfortable with them imagine yourself 15 years down the road... You are still going to feel the same way.
Now with the way he reacted... That is completely unacceptable. I understand you have been together for a long time, but you are suppose to be with a 22 year old, not a 13 year old. I would suggest either postponing the wedding until he is ready to act his age or break it off. He will not change if you keep giving in.
Sit him down and have a serious talk with him. Explain how you feel about the masterbating and the way he acted. Stand up for yourself and don't let him manipulate you.
I hope it all works out for you.
Red Flags:
1) Doing things you are not comfortable with in bed. (No one should force you to do anything in bed you aren't comfortable with, and that includes yourself).
2) Him THREATENING to leave you for refusing to do 1 thing you are uncomfortable with in bed.
3) Test messaging rather than talking when angry.
This is emotional abuse and so unhealthy. I would suggest therapy for you to learn why you are willing to allow someone to treat you this way. If I EVER say no to anything with my husband he respects that-no begging, no pleading, and no threats. That's what ADULTS do. Adults also TALK about their feelings and don't text message "it's over." What kind of immature BS is that? This guy makes me sick.
Oh, and yeah, RUN!