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Grandparent Problem- long
Ok a little background. I'm 26 years old- my H & I bought our first house together about a year ago. My immediate family is very close and we all live within a few blocks of each other. My mom's parents live in the area as well and we are close with my grandma but not so much my grandpa. My grandpa never had a relationship with my mom. He's very selfish and she has alot of hatred toward him and normally he doesn't say much. He just tags along with my grandma when we have family get togethers.
Ok- my grandma is the sweetest woman I've ever met. She is kind and is such a great person and is sensitive. Here's my problem. My mom asked me to have a little get together at our house on Saturday for my family- about 15 people including my grandparents. My grandpa is about 400 lbs (guessing) and is about 5'4- so he's rather large and has peeing problems. When he comes to my mom's house he pees all over her bathroom floor and completely misses the toilet. My mom (who cleans this all up..gross) has said something to my grandma before but it never seems to stop. At Christmas he peed 3 times on the floor and everywhere. Last week I saw them at my parents and my grandpa's pants were all wet, apparently he just peed them.
So my H & I were talking last night, and he brought up what if he has to use the restroom and pisses all over the floor?!?! I didn't even think of that. We are having the dinner outside in our backyard and I'm hoping they don't stay long bc of this. I just emailed my mom about it and she told me to talk to my grandma but I so want her to bring it up bc it's her mom. UGH and she said that my grandpa sat on my aunt's couch last time he was there and made it stink of pee. I'll def put my foot down if he tries to sit on our brand new couches and has pee pants but how do I go about this?? I know it seems like it'd be easy but I can't talk to my grandpa- ive said like 5 words to him my whole life...and my grandma is just so sweet and I dont want to go about it in a mean way but I'm a tad frustrated. Communication is def a huge issue with my mom's parents. My parents/sister/brother- we all talk all the time and it wouldn't be an issue with us but my mom grew up differently. They never talked about anything and my grandma just ignores if you try and talk to her about anything serious or important that she doesn't agree with or want to hear.
I'm not sure if it's a medical problem or he can't reach himself to go the bathroom? (sorry TMI) He's also very lazy and I know he doesn't really care about anyone but himself. I dont want to offend my gma and her not show up. Any advice on how to go about this? My mom just emailed me and said she'd say something but it hasn't done any good in the past, what should I do?
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Re: Grandparent Problem- long
Since your mother is the one insisting on the get-together, I would tell her to host it herself at her own house or at a restaurant.
Or, if it must be held at your house, she is responsible for cleaning up the bathroom after Grandpa uses it, and she will be responsible for replacing your couches if they are damaged. (But ideally you should've made this deal before you agreed to host this get-together.) Cover the couches in plastic and put a slipcover over that and hopefully it won't get damaged.
I agree that this is gross, but cut them a little slack. This must be humiliating for both of your grandparents, plus it must be humilating for your mother as well.
And I don't know what you or your mother expect to happen from your mother discussing this with your grandmother. What is Grandma supposed to do about this?
No you are right. I guess I'm just assuming, but knowing my gpa he doesn't care and is just standing in the bathroom and just goes. He doesn't care or seem to feel guilty about it. He'll just sit there and act normal if he pees his pants. I'm sure my grandma is embarassed- and I guess she can't really do anything about it. its just frustrating I guess.
Oh I'm sure I can get my mom to clean up the bathroom- I'm planning on removing all the rugs in there. As far as the couch, I wont let him sit on it. I'll just tell him I have a chair for him. I don't see us being inside anyway but I never thought about it. My mom asked me because we have a huge backyard and it's going to be nice outside so we are just gonna have it at our house.
PP's "what is grandma supposed to do about this"....maybe suggest that he wear some adult diapers. He's not the only old person with these problems, he CAN do something about it. I get that he's probably embarrassed but you would think ruining his clothes and other peoples houses would be far more embarrassing than wearing something like an adult diaper.
There would be no way I would have this party with him there if he's not going to consider the options that he DOES have. I'd tell your mom no, and have it somewhere else.
I completely agree with the above. There are options for your grandpa, and he needs to try if he is going to be going out in public, or anywhere for that matter.
If you want you could always buy some adult diapers for him. But I am not sure how I would approach the topic with him about wearing them. I do understand not wanting to hurt your grandma's feelings but if no one tells her that this is wrong she may never realize that it is.
A few things that are going through my head.
First, as lazy and as selfish as he may be, to PISS on himself and not be embarassed or bothered by it? There is something wrong about that. Mentally wrong. And horrendous upbringing on his parents part....
Second, it also sounds like everyone is afraid to say "boo" to your grandmother. So, she ignores what she doesn't want to hear. What happens after that? everyone just goes along and lets her ignore? Probably, I guess, and nothing seems to change.
One of two choices have to be made here:
1- you continue w/ the status quo in order to not upset poor, sweet, grandma.
OR
2- someone finally puts their foot down and says he's not invited. And then don't let them in if she shows up w/ him in tow.
You're not going to find a solution that doesn't rock the boat. You have to realize that.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If Grandpa hasn't realized on his own by this point that he needs to see a doctor and/or wear adult diapers ... then I really doubt that his wife or his daughter will be able to convince him otherwise. Unless (and I don't mean this in a sarcastic or insulting way) he has some kind of mental disability, I'm sure he's well-aware of his problem and he knows that there are options out there for him.
If he DOES have some kind of mental disability, then by all means someone should get involved and make him do something about this.
I'm also sure that Grandma is well-aware of how this isn't normal. I really don't think she needs someone to make her realize that. She's stuck her head in the sand for this long, so I'd be surprised if talking to her about this would suddenly make her confront Grandpa about it. Especially since it seems that Grandpa isn't a very nice person.
I mean, someone can always bring this up with them, but I don't think it's going to do a whole lot of good at this point, if neither of them have taken the steps on their own to fix this problem. If you want to bring it up with them, I'd just be prepared for a possible fight or hurt feelings. Sometimes you HAVE to hurt someone's feelings in order to get them to take care of themselves, but they don't always listen.
Ok, one thing I would say is that if your mom wants the party at your home, she can pick up after grandpa in the bathroom. You can always tell her that you're not hosting b/c you don't want to be bothered with the cleanup (although I would also say - do you plan on having children? B/c pee, even from an adult, is not the worst thing in the world to clean up, when compared to other messes that kids make).
I would also recommend - I don't know what it's called but I'm sure you can find out on the pet board - on late night television there is something that you can put on your cars so that your dogs don't make a mess on your cars (fur or pee). You can also put it on your couch (it was advertised as also preventing messes from kids like spilled drinks and cheerios in the car). Order / buy one of those, and make sure grandpa sits on the couch. Since he is so large, that would probably be the only choice as it is.
The bathroom issue, laziness, and lack of self care is ALL a medical problem that noone in the family cares to address, but complains about
Right and I honestly would have no problem cleaning up pee or a mess from my child. My nephew's diapers are awful with poo up his back, as all children and that's no problem for me. They also can't help it. It's my grandpa and Im not going to clean that up- my grandma has talked to him about it (just heard that from my mom) and he will not go to the doctor, so I dont feel sorry for him- I feel angry that he would do that to my mom and aunt's house and now probably mine. My mom just said she'd clean it up if he did make a mess. I'm not allowing him to sit on my couch. He can't sit on the couch because he can't get up, we always have a chair for him. After hearing all the comments, I prob wont say anything to my gma, just see how it goes and approach it need be on saturday.
What do you do, if he won't go to the doctor? He hasn't been to the doctor in over 30 years? He has a hernia (sp) on his stomach that sticks out and he will not go. He doesn't care I guess and it'll be this way til he is no longer with us--he's not going to all of a sudden want to go. I'm sure he 'knows' there are things wrong with him and he doesn't want to go? That's my guess.
Does he truly have the mental capacity to make these types of decisions? If he's not taking care of himself, something is probably mentally wrong. Why doesn't someone in your family try to get Medical Power of Attorney?
BFP #3 2.15.11 EDD 10.27.11. DD born 10.29.11
Betas @9dpo = 23 Betas @12dpo= 128.5 Betas @17dpo= 1075 Betas @21dpo =5800s
@6w hb 114 bpm! @8w4d hb 178 bpm! @12w hb 169 bpm! @18w hb 150 bpm!
He still works as a farmer and he seems the same as he has always been. It just doesn't seem to bother him. I mean to me he seems like he is lazy and Im not sure he wets himself all the time. Ive only seen that once. I just know that he goes into my parents bathroom and my aunt's and just doesn't aim into the toilet. The first time it happened, I thought it was an accident and he never said anything but then it's happened mulitple times and my mom cleans it up. They don't come to their house very often so I don't know if he does it at home but my guess would be yes. This is embarrassing for me to even bring up but I honestly was wondering how I should handle it. Thanks for everyone's advice.
Oh hell no!! Honestly, man up and tell that self-centered jerk that he better not miss the toilet because he will have to bend his fat ass over and clean it up him self. You are a stronger women then I am because I would never be able to bite my tongue. Just tell your grandma he isn't invited, for god's sake. If he can aim that food in his tiny mouth he can figure out to aim a tiny stream into a big toilet... uggg.. this post is making me feel nauseous, i feel for you, i really do
Oh I know, since the party is outside put a sheet up or something for him to piss all over the grass! lol
HAH! We don't have any neighbors that close so he could seriously go pee outside, im all for it! maybe i should tell him too. lol well i honestly think he can't reach himself bc his belly is sooo huge. (not trying to be mean at all, being serious) i really hope that's the reason bc it's ridiculous to do that.
If he can't reach then he needs to pee sitting down!! lol. Now that I know there aren't any neighbors I am really going to push the "outdoor potty"
idea.. good luck!