Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
disaster waiting to happen
so my lovley DH just informed me that his mother is moving in. now dont get me wrong I love my MIL and i know her and FIL are having issues. and i wanna help. but we live in a small two bedroom trailer. theres me my husband and my daughter. I keep our trailer fairly clean. i mean i dont keep it spotless. thats kind of pointless with a two year old running around. but i know she is gonna have issues with the way DH and i live. I mean some of the things i let my DH get away with she will not be able to tolerate. One of her biggest pet peeves is dishes. I admit I dont do them every night. some nights im just to exhausted. But i can see her throwing a fit about them being in the sink over night. Im willing to give it a try cuz i know she needs somewhere to go but Im hoping it doesent make things difficult on DH and I. we are been doing fairly well lately. sorry ladies i was venting. on the bright side DH (who was laid off a week and a half ago) just got a new job making almost double what he was making. 
and things couldnt get any better for the two of us.
and things couldnt get any better for the two of us.
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Re: disaster waiting to happen
Whoa, stop right here...
so my lovley DH just informed me that his mother is moving in.
What happened to his making decisions as a TEAM with YOU?
He just went "my ma is moving in" and that was the end of the convo?
You have a right to say NO. or haven't you heard?
even if you lived in a gigantic house, the point remains:
You and he are to be a team. He does not get it that you are a team and you do not get it that you a- have the right to say no and b- that you are a team with him.
Put an end to this madness NOW --- tell your H no is no and that's that and you do not want his mother moving in.
BTW, this is also a HUSBAND problem. YTou should be positively livid that he made the decision WITHOUT YOU.
I think it's certainly very nice of you to consider giving your MIL somewhere to stay in her time of need, but your H should have ASKED you, not TOLD you. You need to demand an apology from him for not asking you first -- especially since it sounds like you would have agreed after perhaps having had the chance to discuss some ground rules (how long she can stay, that it's your DH's sole responsibility to keep her comments about how you keep house in check or she's out the door, that kind of thing).
In fact, you need to have that conversation with him about ground rules whether or not you get a profoundly sorrowful apology out of your H or not -- if you don't, you might be needing to find your own place to stay before too long!
BTW, good luck with the name Niome.
That name wil be misspelled from now until forever. Why not just name her Naomi and be done with it? (guessing you misspelled the name in the first place and the name is supposed to be Naomi)
So he apologizes for not saying something to you first.
What a douche. He was supposed to talk this over with you IN THE FIRST PLACE.
How old is his mother -- probably late 40s? Is there some reason why she needs to live with a son?
If she is strapped for money, let her put her name on the list for subsidized, low-income or Section 8 housing -- or rent an apartment and have roommates live with her; share the rent 2 or perhaps 3 ways.
Really: you think that it's going to be that blood simple
He actually just got off the phone with her telling her if she didnt like the way things were run here then she wasnt going to be able to stay.
Nope.
I guarantee you will have her living with you for good. She won't leave -- you and he are stuck with her.
Click me, click me!
INFORMED you? Fuckno.
I guess it's nice of you to allow this, but this should be a discussion between the 2 of you. I would never allow it, especially if I wasn't part of that decision.
As for your lax housekeeping skills, beggars can't be choosers. If it bothers her, she can do it herself or find another place to live. Your house, your rules.
eta: Saw your update about you staying with a friend if you need to get away. I give that another fuckno. It's your house, not hers. If anyone goes, it's her.
I, too, predict that this will last much much longer than 2 months.
I don't think you're angry enough at your H. It's not like he didn't ask you if he could buy a video game before buying it... this is a MAJOR life-changing decision he made all on his own. So, that's all well & good that he apologized, but it's not enough. ESPECIALLY because any man that will make that huge a decision without his wife's input and then "inform" her of his decision is going to do that again and again and again throughout your entire marriage.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
I'm imagining what would happen in my house if my husband INFORMED me that his mother was coming to live with us.
It's not pretty.
Same as what would happen in my house, I'm guessing. I would no longer have a MIL, because my husband would have disappeared.
Sounds like you guys should work on your relationship before letting other people live with you.
http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/55702360.aspx
Is it funny that I'm not shocked at ALL that this post exists?
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
Your title sums it up - this is a disaster waiting to happen, especially since your H didn't feel it was important to discuss this major, life-altering decision with his WIFE first.
Things COULD get a lot better for the two of you, if, say, he respected you as his partner.
Whut?
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
This is a disaster in a lot more ways than you think....
If DH "informed me" anyone was moving in he would be in for a world of hurt. Your house= joint decision.
I'd be sure to set up separate space and clearly defined obligations for everyone. If she lives there she needs to contribute $ towards food, utilities, and participate in household chores.
Is MIL coming to live with you permanently? Or did your DH give her a timeline of how long she can stay? Would I let a family member stay with us temporarily (1-3 months)? Probably, depending on the situation. But indefinitely? Most definitely not. How old is MIL? If she's having big enough issues to move out of the house she shares with her husband, then she's going to have to support herself eventually. Does she have a job? I'm guessing she doesn't and she doesn't really want to work.
I think with three adults and a toddler you're going to be constantly tripping over each other, let alone having an opportunity for some privacy. So, the next conversation you have with your DH needs to be how long she is allowed to stay, and you have to stick by your guns.
And a piece of unsolicited advice (and I swear I'm not trying to be mean or rude), but if your husband is making a lot more money, have you considered moving out of the trailer? They aren't the safest homes (fires, natural disasters) and there's a certain stigma attached.
Informed? That is a huge decision and for him to not even consult you is so disrespectful.
How is that going to work? We live in a small 2 bedroom home with a 2 year old and I can't imagine fitting my MIL. Is she going to sleep on the couch? How do you expect her to move out in just 2 months? Is she working?
My thoughts exactly. And I like my MIL. I guess my H would never be stupid enough to inform me of something like this, he's a decent and respectful enough person to, you know, give a crap about my input on the situation, since I LIVE there.
yes she is working three jobs. and we have considered moving out of the trailer eventually. but he just got the job a week ago. so now we are working saving that extra money so that we can get into a house. so she can support herself. she just needs somewhere to stay till she can get a place of her own lined up.
Wow, this is quite a situation. You already mentioned DH apologized for making a decision which impacts your marriage and lifestyle without you. I hope that's the last time that he does that otherwise you will have additional problems down the road. Also, you need to sit down with DH and create an action plan if two months have passed and MIL still isn't on her feet.
She's had past problems with him, nothing has changed, nothing will.
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so my lovley DH just informed me that his mother is moving in. now dont get me wrong I love my MIL and i know her and FIL are having issues. and i wanna help. but we live in a small two bedroom trailer. theres me my husband and my daughter. I keep our trailer fairly clean. i mean i dont keep it spotless. thats kind of pointless with a two year old running around. but i know she is gonna have issues with the way DH and i live. I mean some of the things i let my DH get away with she will not be able to tolerate. One of her biggest pet peeves is dishes. I admit I dont do them every night. some nights im just to exhausted. But i can see her throwing a fit about them being in the sink over night. Im willing to give it a try cuz i know she needs somewhere to go but Im hoping it doesent make things difficult on DH and I. we are been doing fairly well lately. sorry ladies i was venting. on the bright side DH (who was laid off a week and a half ago) just got a new job making almost double what he was making.
and things couldnt get any better for the two of us.
------------------
Wow! Reading the responses to this makes me feel so different from everyone. First and foremost, for me, if my husband called and said his mother was coming to stay with us, I would welcome her with open arms. I feel that as her son, it is his duty to take care of her and as his wife, it is my duty to support him in that. If my mother called me and said my father had been unfaithful and she couldn't stay in the house anymore, without hesitation I would invite her into our home. But, DH and I know this about each other, so it is a given. If you are feeling slighted (as the majority of the women here feel you should) you should get it off your chest and then bury it because whats done is done and it wont be helpful for your situation to let anger fester between you two.
Set ground rules for everyone in the household but be welcoming and understanding to your MIL, this is a huge change for her and I am sure her spirit is weighed down upon, you don't want her to feel guilty for being in need of help because you wouldn't want to be made guilty for being in need of help either. Ask your MIL straight off if while she is living with you she can help with chores and taking care of you little one, etc...
Is she very controlling? How is your relationship with her now and in the past? Do you think that she will cause unease if things are run differently in your household than hers? When I lived close to my MIL, I had to deal with her wanting to control a lot. It was annoying and sometimes I wanted to clock her dead on her cheek but I held back my anger and said thank you, then discussed my opinion with her. My husband and I go to visit friends and family in her country for a few months out of the year, we rent an apartment and tell her she is welcome to stay with us whenever she wants, but even then we can rub each other the wrong way because we are not used to sharing close quarters and because we can be a bit competitive when it comes to domestics and her son! But, we do get a long very well! She is my friend. We go to movies and dinners and like to get drunk together, so we have a base of friendship that we can build our tolerance of each other up on. Maybe you and your MIL don't have that, so living together will be a bit more difficult.
If she does throw a fit, or tries to control how you run your household, you should have a game plan set in advance that your husband and you will enforce as a team. While I think taking in a parent is often a duty of the children, if a parent doesn't hold up their end of an agreement, the children are not obligated to hold up theirs.
Good luck, I think what you are doing is noble, and congrats to your hubby on his new job!!!
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker
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so my lovley DH just informed me that his mother is moving in. now dont get me wrong I love my MIL and i know her and FIL are having issues. and i wanna help. but we live in a small two bedroom trailer. theres me my husband and my daughter. I keep our trailer fairly clean. i mean i dont keep it spotless. thats kind of pointless with a two year old running around. but i know she is gonna have issues with the way DH and i live. I mean some of the things i let my DH get away with she will not be able to tolerate. One of her biggest pet peeves is dishes. I admit I dont do them every night. some nights im just to exhausted. But i can see her throwing a fit about them being in the sink over night. Im willing to give it a try cuz i know she needs somewhere to go but Im hoping it doesent make things difficult on DH and I. we are been doing fairly well lately. sorry ladies i was venting. on the bright side DH (who was laid off a week and a half ago) just got a new job making almost double what he was making.
and things couldnt get any better for the two of us.
------------------
Wow! Reading the responses to this makes me feel so different from everyone. First and foremost, for me, if my husband called and said his mother was coming to stay with us, I would welcome her with open arms. I feel that as her son, it is his duty to take care of her and as his wife, it is my duty to support him in that. If my mother called me and said my father had been unfaithful and she couldn't stay in the house anymore, without hesitation I would invite her into our home. But, DH and I know this about each other, so it is a given. If you are feeling slighted (as the majority of the women here feel you should) you should get it off your chest and then bury it because whats done is done and it wont be helpful for your situation to let anger fester between you two.
Set ground rules for everyone in the household but be welcoming and understanding to your MIL, this is a huge change for her and I am sure her spirit is weighed down upon, you don't want her to feel guilty for being in need of help because you wouldn't want to be made guilty for being in need of help either. Ask your MIL straight off if while she is living with you she can help with chores and taking care of you little one, etc...
Is she very controlling? How is your relationship with her now and in the past? Do you think that she will cause unease if things are run differently in your household than hers? When I lived close to my MIL, I had to deal with her wanting to control a lot. It was annoying and sometimes I wanted to clock her dead on her cheek but I held back my anger and said thank you, then discussed my opinion with her. My husband and I go to visit friends and family in her country for a few months out of the year, we rent an apartment and tell her she is welcome to stay with us whenever she wants, but even then we can rub each other the wrong way because we are not used to sharing close quarters and because we can be a bit competitive when it comes to domestics and her son! But, we do get a long very well! She is my friend. We go to movies and dinners and like to get drunk together, so we have a base of friendship that we can build our tolerance of each other up on. Maybe you and your MIL don't have that, so living together will be a bit more difficult.
If she does throw a fit, or tries to control how you run your household, you should have a game plan set in advance that your husband and you will enforce as a team. While I think taking in a parent is often a duty of the children, if a parent doesn't hold up their end of an agreement, the children are not obligated to hold up theirs.
Good luck, I think what you are doing is noble, and congrats to your hubby on his new job!!!
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker
CiGiDancer, you're a complete and total pushover if you're a-ok with your H not even consulting you about a major, life-changing decision that will affect your household and your marriage.
Don't be smug about that particular personality attribute. It's not something to be proud of.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
but she loves him