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we're not even married yet and i'm ruining our sex life...
i started a new job a couple months ago. it's much harder work then my last job, causes me a lot of stress and allows me little sleep... since starting this job i've gained about 5-7 lbs which may not seem like much but it's all i can think about...
for the last couple years i have been very happy with my body at about 100lbs, without trying to eat healthy or exercise. then in the last year i gained 3 pounds but didn't give it much thought. now that i am teetering the 110 border i can't stop obsessing about my weight. i've changed my diet for the better and am keeping active, but i can't get back to my original weight.
when we get intimate ALL i can think about is how awful i look/feel. i focus on my tummy and thighs and i've even started crying mid-romp. i am driving my fiance crazy and i just feel more and more guilty. i hate being so selfish but even when i say i'm not going to worry about it i start worrying. my fiance is so good to me and deserves so much better, i just want to look great for him and keep him happy but i'm failing miserably...
Re: we're not even married yet and i'm ruining our sex life...
A lot of women have trouble with their weight, myself included. A man who loves you for you (which sounds like your FI) won't care about 10lbs. If you feel disgusting or unhappy with your body do something about it. There are many many diets and exercise plans out there. One must work.
Just try your best not to think about it during sex until you are back to your ideal weight.
How old are you? How tall are you? Unless you are very, very short 110 is probably a completely healthy weight for your body, and maybe 100 is too light--especially if you're in your early 20s, it's very normal to gain a few pounds from your late teens.
It really sounds like you have an unhealthy obsession with your weight. You're essentially saying that the only value you bring to your relationship is your looks. It might really help to start seeing a therapist.
Have you asked HIM if he is unhappy with your figure? I have a feeling his answer is no... but that doesn't really matter. What matters is if YOU'RE happy!! There comes a time when our weight is never going to be "what it was." It's a part of life and it's not necessarily a bad or ugly thing. It would be nice if you could embrace your body... stay healthy, work out when you can, watch what you eat but don't skip the ice cream on Friday nights! What more can you do? There are a lot of other things to put your energy towards besides being bent out of shape over 10 pounds. Try the practice of looking at yourself in the mirror in your favorite outfit and pick out your most beautiful assets. For example, I hate my stomach but I have really nice legs, and prettyeyes.
I bet you're beautiful, you just have to see it.
Besides... once when you get married he will probably put on some pounds too... like I said, it's life.
SO TRUE! What is going to make your sex life awful is you being insecure and not being intimate with him as often.
I can empathize, I think a lot of people can. It can pang the ego to gain weight. What is not normal is being obsessed with it. Letting ten pounds cause you to cry during sex is not normal. That is terribly sad and there is no good reason you should feel that way.
This really happened so suddenly? Even if you didn't diet and exercise before you gained the weight, doesn't mean you weren't obsessed. How much self esteem did you derive from you weight and looks? And why?
And why is sex so affected by this weight issue? Is it an issue of your sexiness? What do you think makes you sexy?
You need to accept that you are not seeing this issue rationally, and once you do you can make steps towards a better body image by examining the validity of your ideas about the body, about sex, and beauty. A therapist might be help to you in this venture. I think you should attempt to build self esteem in attributes other than your physique. You have to accept that your body will change with time, it is a fact, you can't do anything about it. But if you do start making active changes to your eating and exercise habits you can have much more control over how! Good luck and I hope you start feeling better soon!
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker
it sounds like, to me that this isnt as much a body issue as it is a self confidence issue. you said that your new job is much harder and more stressful, maybe the new challenges at work are causing you to question and doubt yourself a little, add that to the stress of getting engaged, wedding planning, cold feet, weight gain....ect. all of this would push anyone to the edge, but i think you are focusing on your weight because you feel like it is something that you have always had control over, and taken great pride in that.
it just sounds like you are putting entirely too much pressure on yourself and maybe you should just relax a bit.. find some way to relieve the tnesion and lose the 10 lbs. at the same time. perhaps you should try walking for an hour, every other night, just put some headphones on and decompress. never under-estimate the power of self examination, running a mental play back of your day to review how you handled situtions and looks at ways to better handle them, can give you an enormous amout of perspective and also allow you to feel more in control.
just whatever you do, own it! its your life and everyday reach down inside yourself and find that inner-tigeress and tell yourself that are going to kick-ass today!!
you will start to feel better about your descision and abilities to rock!
WTF? Don't tell her to lose weight!
I'd like to say to everyone, I have read and thought a lot about everything said here. I have a lot to reflect on, and more than just my weight to fix... When I originally posted this I was in the middle of a sob-fest and feeling a bit emotional... I wish I never got caught up in such vain thinking, but I am only human after all.
Thinking back, I guess I have always been sort of weight obsessed... I just felt so lucky not having to calorie count and exercise, now that I have lost that I feel inadequate. That was the one physical thing I liked about myself and it's gone.
I kinda figured you were in the middle of a sob fest! It happens to the best of us.
I can really empathize with you. I have always been a small person, and even into my early twenties I was extremely thin. I ate whatever I wanted, I never exercised, I didn't know how lucky I was. Then, last year I gained 15+ pounds, even though I had already started working out regularly and trying to eat healthy. Of course I felt bad about it! Now, I have dropped ten pounds and I am happy with my weight.
I eat healthy and I do not watch calories. I eat whole grain instead of white (breads, pastas, rice), steamed veggies, steamed fish, soups without heavy cream! I am constantly satisfied, I eat until I am full and I never deny myself a craving! I exercise regularly but that doesn't have to be pumping iron at the gym. I ride my bike instead of taking a cab or a car. I swim a couple times a week. I am a dancer so that is the bulk of my exercise, but even if you aren't a dancer or athlete that doesn't mean you can't join a rec team or take a dance class!
I don't think you have to be sad about this change in your body! I have learned so much about spices and substituting those types of flavors for salt and butter, I have always loved to cook but it has only re-energized my passion. And you can find physical activity that you LOVE to engage in and it wont feel like a burden to exercise! Good luck with everything! And feel better!
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker
"FIND SOME WAY TO RELIEVE THE TENSION AND LOSE THE 10 LBS AT THE SAME TIME..."
That was YOUR quote. You should work on your memory, dumb@ss. (Btw, it's "lose" not "loose.")
OP, I can sympathize with you. I'm a pretty small person, (5') and 100lbs is definitely my "happy weight." However, over the past few years, I've weighed anywhere between 98-99 to 115. Then this year, I put on 25 with pregnancy, which is healthy for having a baby, but hey, it's still weight, ya know? We had great sex the whole time.
If your FI is anything like my husband, (and the majority of normal men) he isn't mentally measuring the circumference of your thighs or tummy or wishing you were skinnier. Most likely he is thinking "God! I'm in bed with a. naked. WOMAN!!" It sounds like he loves you the way you are, just like I imagine you love him. Just think if he was just as critical of his own body; sex wouldn't be very fun.
Love what you have, it really is how to be happy.
ppppppppffffffffffffffffffffffft bwahahahaahahahahaha! yah!! i.e. exercise is benificial to the mind as well as the body.. hahahaha! i guess if you removed one sentence from an entire statment, you could make it sound that way.. maybe you should get a job at Fox News... spin doctor artbyallie? i dont think i ever told her to "do anything" specific. i only suggested that walking could resolve atleast 2 things taht were bothering her at the same time.. stress and weight gain. my philosophy is, if something makes you feel bad (whatever that maybe), you have 2 choices: accept the things you cant change and own it or attack it and work like a dog to change it. each individual is the only master of his/her own happiness.
trshly, i'm glad that you are feeling alot better about things, just stay possitive and keep working hard, love your great man and i'm sure everything will fall into place for you!!
ppppppppffffffffffffffffffffffft bwahahahaahahahahaha! yah!! i.e. exercise is benificial to the mind as well as the body.. hahahaha! i guess if you removed one sentence from an entire statment, you could make it sound that way.. maybe you should get a job at Fox News... spin doctor artbyallie? i dont think i ever told her to "do anything" specific. i only suggested that walking could resolve atleast 2 things taht were bothering her at the same time.. stress and weight gain. my philosophy is, if something makes you feel bad (whatever that maybe), you have 2 choices: accept the things you cant change and own it or attack it and work like a dog to change it. each individual is the only master of his/her own happiness.
trshly, i'm glad that you are feeling alot better about things, just stay possitive and keep working hard, love your great man and i'm sure everything will fall into place for you!!
Correct. So in essence, you were advising her, counselor, to lose 10 lbs if she wants to do it healthily and relieve stress. Losing 10 lbs is, and correct me if I'm wrong, LOSING WEIGHT.
my post was in response to someone saying, "dont tell her to lose weight." and rebuffed that statement, saying that i never told trshly anything to do specificlly. i suggested exercise as a solution to her problem and offered 2 possible benifits as incentives.so, there you go, i've corrected you.
i'm just glad for trshly, who has decided not to absorb the negitivety from this board.. trshly, there is NOTHING wrong with what you are going through, its completely normal! like you said, being 100lbs has always been your constant in life, and now that everything in your life is changing (work, getting engaged, ect) you felt a bit lost. i'm happy to that you know that its not really about 10 lbs, its about how you feel about your place in the world. this is not uncommon!!! and its not a hard thing to combat either! just remember to tell yourself that you rock, everyday!
i dont care about all these other negitive posters, my advice and concern comes from my heart, and my intentions are for your best. good luck!
But you DID tell her to 'lose the 10 lbs.' Duh. Who fails at reading comprehension? And you still expect us to believe you're in law school?
you are a complete dumbass! if you read an entire statement and thats all you walk away with.. ? telling someone "to do" something is dictation and suggesting something is offereing an alternative.. the former, denotes deprivaiton of choice, the latter denotes application of choice. two completely different things.
once again, i never once said i was in law school or that i was a lawyer. so, you fail. do not pass go, do not collect $200.
Yes, can't you tell the difference??? Like the difference between actually stealing your wife's medicine to pay off a debt and JUST THINKING ABOUT IT. Two TOTALLY different things.
hey thanks for proving my arguement.
Spell check, my dear. "Argument." You'd think someone in a 4000 level class would know how to spell.
you can attack my spelling all you want, i really dont care. i've always been a terrible speller and when i get typing fast, i make alot of errors...owell. you pointing it out, however, you have no valid point to argue.. so you point my gramatical errors to bolster yourself, its classic misdirection. its really kind of sad and pathetic....
i had not intended on addressing it at first, but since this the second post in which you have done your best to come up with some kind of cheap put-down.. i thought i'de let you know that your PETTY is showing.
hun, spell check can wipe the egg off my face, what are you going to use on yours?
It's a lot........not alot.......KIDDING!!!! Who cares about the spelling, grammar, ellipses, etc...............seriously....who cares.....unless it's the poeple with more than 400000000 posts....that's gotta be the greatest life in the world......
trshly, I bet you're a very beautiful, sexy, loving, and talented woman..........
God bless......
No, I just enjoy spell corrections... comes with the job territory!
By the way, I thought you were going away and not posting on the board again?