How do I be there for him?

musgral8

So FIL and MIL have been having marital issues for a long time (I'm not going to go into their issues, but lets just say she's weird and he would rather volunteer at the rescue squad than spend time with her) and yesterday she told him she wanted to separate after 30+ years of marriage. D's brother (the favorite child) called him and told him about this and then told him that he isn't supposed to know because his mom and dad don't want him to (his family has this weird thing with keeping secrets and they never tell D anything). D keeps bouncing between furious and sad - he didn't even come to bed last night because he was so worked up. I'm just not sure how to be there for him right now. I am trying to give him his space because he's not a huge talker when he's p!ssed, but I want to help somehow and I'm at a loss. 

It's no wonder I have such a stiff neck with all of the stressful stuff going on in our lives this year - between my grandma passing away, grad school, his f'ed up work schedule and now this. I'm ready for life to smooth out. 

pandasquishy

Well that sucks.    I would take a moment and just tell your H that you're there for him if he does want to talk and in the meantime, just be supportive through little things - bake his favorite cookies or make his favorite dinner, an extra hug, etc.

 As for him knowing he's not supposed to know (how silly) - that should not keep him from talking to his dad about it.  He knows, there's no reason to go on pretending he doesn't know. 

Shazzie116

pandasquishy:

Well that sucks.    I would take a moment and just tell your H that you're there for him if he does want to talk and in the meantime, just be supportive through little things - bake his favorite cookies or make his favorite dinner, an extra hug, etc.

 As for him knowing he's not supposed to know (how silly) - that should not keep him from talking to his dad about it.  He knows, there's no reason to go on pretending he doesn't know. 

All of this. Just try to find a balance between giving him space but letting him know that you're there for him (which I'm sure he knows) as he processes these feelings.

I think the sooner he talks to his dad, the better. I come from a family of passive behavior and it only hurts feelings over time. Hopefully talking to his dad will help him cope a bit. 

eskamo

Shazzie116:

pandasquishy:

Well that sucks.    I would take a moment and just tell your H that you're there for him if he does want to talk and in the meantime, just be supportive through little things - bake his favorite cookies or make his favorite dinner, an extra hug, etc.

All of this. Just try to find a balance between giving him space but letting him know that you're there for him (which I'm sure he knows) as he processes these feelings.

I think the sooner he talks to his dad, the better. I come from a family of passive behavior and it only hurts feelings over time. Hopefully talking to his dad will help him cope a bit. 

I agree with all of this . MH is the same way. Just try to be open and there without forcing him to confront what he doesn't want to right now. Also, I think he should talk to his dad. This knowing but not thing is ridiculous. 

musgral8

Thanks for all of the input. I agree that the passive behavior is ridiculous and he and I did talk a little bit this afternoon about how he should approach the topic with his dad. I'm not sure when he's going to call him because he's still p!ssed that they didn't tell him and he had to hear from his brother. I told him it'd probably be better to calm down and have an adult conversation instead of him being angry at his father when they talk. 

I have his favorite dinner in the crock pot and we're going to a movie tonight, so hopefully it'll get his mind off of things for a bit. 

Whippet8

I agree with the other girls. I'm really sorry you're both dealing with this. I also agree that it's a good idea for him to talk with his father.

I tend to have a hard time when DH is dealing with tough stuff. It's hard for me to know when he wants me to back off, and when he wants me to be the opposite.

GL!

musgral8

melko4886:

I agree with the other girls. I'm really sorry you're both dealing with this. I also agree that it's a good idea for him to talk with his father.

I tend to have a hard time when DH is dealing with tough stuff. It's hard for me to know when he wants me to back off, and when he wants me to be the opposite.

GL!

the second part exactly! (mac wouldn't let me bold lol) 

Da0419

DH is the same way.  When I was growing up, I was really close with my cousin (long story short, his mother died, his father abandoned him & he came to live with us when he was 6...we share the same birthday and we're the same age) and whenever I wanted to get him to share his feelings/emotions I would engage him in an activity, like basketball or cards.  He would open up without me even really prying.  I read somewhere, years later, that a lot of guys are like that, very opposed to talking outright about their feelings.  So when my hubby is going through stuff (like the death of his grandfather), I sit him down and let him know that I'm there for him if he wants to talk and let it be.  In a few days, if he's still really upset about it, we'll have a date night (mini golf, or even just a walk with the dogs) & we'll talk it out.  For some reason he has a lot easier of talking it out when he's doing something else...weird.  Anyways, I'm sorry to hear about your FIL/MIL going through this after such a long marriage...I hope things get sorted out smoothly.