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Very very long sister/friend/facebook problem.
I have always been very close with my younger sister. We are very similar, and are good friends, and (used to) hang out a lot. I moved here (400 miles away from family) when I was 16, to go to beauty school. At 16 she trained to be a hair stylist, then when she was 19/20 she moved here to go to the same beauty school. I was 20/21 then, had my own beauty salon, worked hard, and was a nana in the weekends (tired!). I will admit I didn't spend a whole lot of time with her when she first moved, however she had a BF here, was going to finish beauty school then move over seas.
When I was 21 I got cancer. I also decided then to not worry too much any more about friends, I have always struggled with self esteem issues, and always felt I had to try really hard to keep friendships. None of my friends visited me in hospital (I was there for 2 days a week for 7 months. I was hooked up to chemo, but not sick at all, just bored out of my mind!). My sister (and FI) were pretty much the only ones to visit.
Life went back to normal, and my sister moved in with us (we needed a new flatmate, and she was getting over hers and all their partying). My sister then got "knocked up" to a 2 night stand (he was 19), so moving over seas was off the cards. They started dating, and I gave her a job (I am self employed, just me doing beauty therapy at a big hair salon, so I really didn't have a job for her, but I made one).
She was sick during her pregnancy, and stopped helping out at all around the house. This made my FI mad, because she has always been a bit lazy, he thought she was milking it, she managed to facebook consantly, I defended her... it became a little awkward. (just normal sibling stuff, he has known her since she was 11, so he is like her brother in a way)
6 months into the pregnancy, she moved in with the babies dad/her BF. They live 30 mins away from me. I got her another job, doing reception (she could sit all day) at the salon over xmas, so she could make some cash for her and her new family. I loved seeing her everyday, and we had a great xmas together.
She had her baby in Feb. I was hurt at the time because she didn't even tell me she went into labour (2 days before hand) and I didn't find out she had the baby for a few hours after. I had mentioned that I would take time off work, help them in anyway I could, just bring them dinner etc what ever they needed, and I tried to say it in a non annoying way. So I was pretty hurt, but got over it pretty quick.
I don't see them a lot, because I don't drive. FI will take me out to visit every few weeks, but there is only 1 day a week we can do anything, so if we have to do something else that day, we can't go. My sis comes to town often, and doesn't let me know/visit. Things happen to her baby (sick, crawling etc) and she doesn't tell me. I don't facebook (she puts everything on facebook) so I miss out on everything.
Ok, if you are still reading, here is my problem. We had talked about going shopping together for my engagement party in a couple of weeks. I have the day off tomorrow, and asked her if she was free, and needed to come near town, did she want to catch up and have a browse at the mall? I didnt't say anything about the E party, just general shopping. She can't make it, the baby is quite sick, losing weight, she has to go to the docs with him all the time (every 3 days) to get weighed etc etc baby stuff. I am not at all upset that she can't meet me at the mall, but what I am upset about it that she has prob put on facebook how sick he is, but I had no idea. It gets embaressing. Like at work, clients ask how she and the baby are. I will say "oh great, he is nearly crawling" then a workmate will say "oh, he is already crawling, he started last week. It was on facebook" and I feel like the *** aunt who doesn't know anything!
So is it just my low self esteem making me feel like ***? I know she is busy, but like I said she had plenty of time to facebook, why can't she just txt me at the same time? We really did used to be best friends. I know both our lives have changed a lot, but should I let go of her being my best friend, and just be regular sisters? I actually feel like crying (I never ever cry)
Re: Very very long sister/friend/facebook problem.
Uhh why don't you just open a facebook account? RIght now Facebook is the easiest and the fastest way for her to communicate with a lot of people. Yes I know she can take time to text you ( and phones work both ways too) but you are not the only one close to her. So yes it takes a lot less time to just post a status update on FB then text or call everyone. I have a 5 month old and I know how it is. You simply can't text/ call everyone with every little thing that happens.
If YOU want to know how the baby is doing then YOU have ot be the one to contact her.
Honestly, you seem a bit self involved. It is all about how she didn't tell you when she was in labor and how she didn't call you till a few hours after tha baby was born. Did you ever think that maybe that is what she wanted. A few private moments of peace so that she could bond with her baby. My goodness she was in the most uncomfortable pain in her life so she had more on her mind than making sure she wasn't giving you self esteem issues. Sheesh.
Thanks, that's exactly what I needed to here. She might even be grumpy at me for not face booking, and not keeping up with baby!
I used to facebook (a lot) but stopped 2/3 years ago, it just doesn't suit my personality/self esteem issues (I have BPD) and am much happier, except for the sister thing, living in my non facebook world. Maybe my mid September resolution could be to txt her every couple of days and ask whats new with baby (we don't call each other, again BPD, I'm too scared to answer the phone most of the time haha!) Oh god, I sound like such a basket case, I promise I act normal to everyone in real life, and I am sure my strange personality hasn't affected sis/my relationship, she is used to me being a weirdo.
I can see how it would come across that way, I just thought she might want some support (she had only lived with the day for 2 months before baby was born, and had only known him for 9 months, and all other family and friends live 400 miles away, including our parents). And we had talked about it very openly, and I was very excited. She changed her mind, I totally get it, but it would have been nice to be told.
You are prob right, I am just thinking about my self a bit much in this situation.
Listen I am not a phone person either. I hardly ever talk to my BFF or my sister on the phone. I would much rather email or use FB especially now that I have a baby and a toddler at home.
Perhaps your sister doesn't likethe phone either or at this time would rather people initiate contacting her at this time.
BTW, did you ever find out if the baby was ok ? If the baby really does have to go to the Dr all the time I can definitely see how she is scared and has a lot on her mind right now.
Oh, and I only mention the cancer/hospital thing, because she was such great company for me, and great support, and I try and do the same for her, (not to try and be self absorbed) and we would both do anything for each other, I guess that I just feel left out, which is silly yes, she is a busy mum now. But it feels strange sometimes the extent of the things I don't know about her life now, when I thought we were really good friends. So all I was wondering really was now that she is a "busy mum" instead of feeling *** about it, and feeling hurt that my best friend is no longer really my best friend, and just be sisters?
Thanks, honestly I am just being silly! Earthquake stress (just had another bloody aftershock!) family stress, engagement party stress! I am sure things will be normal again soon.
I might do the facebook thing, just do family only, I hadn't really thought about that, but that is a good idea. I have one for my business, and can totally cope with that.
And yes, the baby is fine
I think he is just teething and lost his appetite, but they still want to keep an eye on it. My sisters HS friend (whom she was meant to move overseas with) is back and visiting for the weekend, maybe I will organize a girls night out for Saturday, cocktails always make things better.
Thanks for your comments, I feel less sad about it now.
It really is hard to say. Sometimes relationships ebb and flow where you feel closer at times and further apart at others. It is perfectly natural. I remember when my BFF had a baby I felt like she had joined the mom club and we were growing apart. I tried to make a special effort to ask how she was doing, how she was feeling and be supportive of her. I also had to accept that there was now a huge aspect of her life I couldn't relate to at that time and that was ok. Now she didn't desert me or anything and she was still interested in how my life was going, but I could tell that we just weren't as close as we used to be. Today, we are closer than ever. I know some people believe her having a baby shouldn't affect our relationship but it did. I could tell that there were just some things she didn't want to talk to me about and wanted to talk to other moms. It's ok and I understood.
My advice would be to accept that she is busy and has a lot on her plate right now, especially if she has a sick child. Try to make a little extra effort to contact her instead of waiting for her to do it. Also just listen to her and support her right now and talk about non baby things too. I think it is great that you offered her a day of shopping but don't give up on it. Maybe try suggesting it again or simply go out for coffee and see a funny movie.
With the younger generation it's very common for people to put everything on facebook. My brother is the same way...that's just how they communicate. You may be only two years older, but it sounds to me like mentally you are just on a different plain. There's nothing wrong with that, but I do think it sounds like your expectations of her aren't very realistic.
As far as her childbirth goes, a lot of people don't feel the need to broadcast that news to the world. They prefer having some private time to having a bunch of people showing up or trying to communicate with them. I sincerely doubt it was anything personal, so please let that one go.
You keep mentioning that you have low self-esteem. And it seems like you're taking this entirely too personally. Some people just put everything on Facebook rather than talking about it in person ... it doesn't mean that she's thinking to herself, "Sis isn't on Facebook, so I'm just going to put everything on there to leave her out on purpose! Ha ha!"
I can understand how you feel, believe me ... my parents kept a lot of things about my dad's cancer a secret from me and my siblings, and I felt like absolute dirt when a friend of theirs asked me how my dad's surgery went (a surgery that I knew nothing about). I wound up talking to my mother about it and told her how much that hurt me, and she agreed to keep me better informed. I've also learned that I need to reach out to them once in a while and ask specific questions ... not just, "How are you feeling, Dad?" If I want to know how his chemo or something is going, I need to specifically ask them, "How are your treatments going and when are you done with this round?" Some people are just vague, or don't always want to talk about their lives, or they're more comfortable on the Internet than in real life.
If you're not totally opposed to Facebook, set up an account and just add her as a friend. You don't have to put up any photos or your last name. Just use it to keep up with her news. You can also sit down with her and say something like, "I wish we were closer. Can we both make a better effort to call or text every few days and check in with each other? I love hearing about your life and Nephew and I want us to be close!"
But again, I think you're taking this entirely too personally. I don't blame you for feeling a bit hurt, but I also think that you're making this into a personal slight against you when it's more than likely not. And if you know that your sister primarily shares her life information on Facebook, then I don't see why on earth you just don't sign up for an account! The co-workers aren't finding out about the information because your sister is personally telling them and not you ... they're finding out with everyone else on her Facebook page. It's a free service, for Pete's sake, so sign up if you want to be in the know. You don't have to share photos or your real last name if you are nervous about security.
Stop pouting that you're on the outside of the in-group and wishing that someone would invite you in ... GO INTO the in-group and then your problem will be solved.
This exactly.
I think you are giving a social networking program way too much control over your life. I'd say if you're happy w/ not having it, than you just have to accept that a lot of people share their news that way because it is easiest to reach "the masses" of people. Especially when you have a new baby and don't have time for talking on the phone, visits or texting.
So, you want a new mom to keep you updated by texts about your new nephew but you are unwilling to:
- drive
- phone, or
- facebook
You want to be best friends and resent that other people keep pace with her facebooks updates and can correctly update random, mildly interested clients. She was very attentive when you had medical needs and need company but now that her life and relationships has dramatically changed, you haven't made any changes to keep pace and in touch. Her child is sick, in and out of town and your wondering why she hasn't made more time to include you in these medical related trips? Why she hasn't made time to text. And while you admit that the baby is sick, loosing weight and needing multiple doctor checks, what *really* bothers you isn't the lack of mall trips, its the lack of you not knowing about it. I'm wondering why what *really* bothers you isn't the fact that this baby is really sick and you are not doing a thing to help or support anyone.
Or all of the other issues you seem to have with, well, everything?
When I went into labor, I only wanted DH there. Not that I'm not close with other people, but I just preferred to be alone and have minimal people there. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel after delivery, so we decided to wait until after the baby was born to contact family. I also wanted a private moment just the three of us before having visitors. I know a lot of people that felt the same way. I wouldn't take it personally.
My mom had some of the same issues as you when DD was little. She wasn't on Facebook and felt like she wasn't getting the updates and pictures like the rest of the family. She deleted her Facebook account because she kept getting friends requests from people she didn't want to friend. She ended up making an account with a fake name so she could see my stuff and not have to worry about the rest of it.
I think a lot of the issues you are having is because you are not putting enough effort in maintaining the relationship. Ask her how the baby is doing. A lot of people especially people without kids complain about new mothers talking about their baby too much and she might open up more if you show you are interested. She did tell you about the baby when you called.
A lot of it also depends on the baby. Some kids will not sleep away from home. If she is going into town, she might not have enough time to stop by before having to get back home to put him to bed or naps. Maybe she is coming when you are working.
Also if you are making plans with her, try to give her a longer notice.
Oh dear. I happen to think that you need to let go of your sis being your best friend. My MOH is no longer on fb from stupid drama and I feel like a terrible person because I have to remind myself to call her and text her regularly now that she isn't on fb. FB has made people fvcking lazy. My MOH actually laughs at me because I freak out if it's been more than a week. She keeps telling me not to worry that she knows I am always gonna be there-but she is one of my best friends.
Seriously, just tell your sister that you would like to be there for all of your nephew's milestones and you want to be a part of his life (more involved than the random people on FB). If she can't be inconvienianced to send you a text or an email catching you up on things-then too bad. Tell your clients you don't know, and your sister doesn't tell you (truth hurts and it sucks butt).
i think you might have to put the extra effort in and call or text her from time to time. you want to find out how the baby and she are? call her. if she doesn't call you back or answer-that's her issue. you can't MAKE her do that.