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When to cut out a parent?
I've posted on here before about my dad. He lives w/my pap, doesn't pay any bills and lives life carefree. My mom divorced him 10+ years ago and I haven't seen/talked to her since. It's a long, messy mess. The only thing my entire life that I feel my dad & I have had in common is my mom leaving our family, although, I don't feel that he was/has "been there" for me in any way. I feel that he leans on both me & my older brother for his support & doesn't give any back. He has no plans for retirement, no savings and lives the lifestyle of a teenager only caring about himself. I wouldn't go as far as to call him an alcoholic, but he is definitely a problem drinker. He is a pathological liar and I don't trust him.
There is a long history of anger that I have with him...and I just don't know how & if I can ever get past that. He has done a lot to hurt me. There is not 1 conversation in which him & I can speak w/o fighting. He doesn't ask about me or DH or our lives, only talks about himself and doesn't listen when I do tell him things. He doesn't respect my requests and/or boundaries and just does/acts how he wants. He has no consideration for others. It's just so hard because essentially, he's the only "parent" that I have left...eventhough I wouldn't really qualify him as one.
I know for my own mental health, that I need distance from him. I don't know why I feel this loyalty & obligation to him...I can't break away...but I think I need to. Any advice on how to do this? With my mother is was not really my choice, therefore, I can't follow similar tactics. I realize this will be more difficult with my dad because he would not want this...but, I also know he will never change. I still love him as my dad, but I don't like him as a person.
He tries to act like things are fine & always wants to tell stories (that are pointless & that everyone has heard a million times) and make jokes. He can never just be "real" & discuss real life topics. When things get too heavy, he leaves/hangs up the phone. Whenever I try to tell him how I feel, he just writes it off as saying "I'm in a bad mood" or he tells me how I am feeling...rather than listening to me. He really believes his own lies too...I don't know if he's delusional or has lost it or what.
::sigh:: any advice welcome...
Re: When to cut out a parent?
This. I think that you have a lot that you still need to deal, and honestly I have no idea if down right cutting this man out is the best for you or not. Talk through things with a professional and then figure this one out.
Thank you for the advice.
I was in therapy pretty much my whole adolescence to deal w/my parent's marriage. I went to a therapist again after my parent's divorced. Although, I feel they may be able to shed some light on the situation, I also don't want to become a perpetual patient. I want to move on w/my life & stop worrying/being reminded of my parent's mistakes. I know it sounds slightly unrealistic, but some things are easier to cope with when they are "out of sight, out of mind".
I'd revisit therapy. While I agree with you not wanting to be like Woody Allen (therapy for life), you are an adult now, and you have different chioces and coping mechanisms. A therapist can't realistically advise an adolecent on how to cut their parent out of their life (with the exception of extreme cases). However, now that you are an adult, a therapist can help you with either setting boundries with your dad so you aren't svcked into his hot mess of a life, or cutting your dad out of your life (and how to deal with how that will effect your relationship with your pap).
Also, therapy will help you decide under what circumstances (if any) you would re-admit your dad into your life, and how to deal with the drama that would follow if you make that choice.
Thank you, SueBear.
My pap & I don't have a very stable relationship...& even if we did, I don't think it would be greatly effected by the demise of mine & my dad's. However, you bring up a good point that leads to a reason I probably have done nothing thus far. My family is very close with my dad's side of the family. My Aunt (dad's sister) is like a 2nd mother to me and my cousins, like siblings. We see them every holiday & every birthday. How would holidays work if I wasn't speaking/seeing my dad intentionally?
Does anyone else experience this? I assume awkward would be an understatement. These are my issues with my dad and I don't want to make them anyone else's.
You can also go to therapy in order to deal with a particular issue - most therapists will want a little bit of history, but once that's done, you can say that you really want to focus on issue X (your dad and your relationship with him) and that everything else is fine or off-topic.
You might have to shop around to find a therapist who will be wiling to be issue-focused like this, but it's doable and might help. Talking about your emotional experiences with a trained professional might help you get a different perspective on the matter that you can't really reach on your own.
If he was just some random person - and not your dad - it doesn't sound like you'd have much in common with him or want to spend any time with him at all. You love him, but you don't like him. That's okay. The first step is normalizing that. It's FINE to not "jive" with your dad. You're not obligated to spend gobs of time talking to him, listening to his inane stories or whatever.
In your mind's eye, what would be a "do-able" relationship with him? How often would you talk to him? What would the relationship "look like" for you and for him? My advice would be to figure out what YOU'D like out of a relationship with him, and start taking steps in that direction, slowing things down and pacing it out to a dynamic that is more manageable for you.
You obviously know who he is...and that's not going to change. I wouldn't necessarily recommend cutting him out of your life entirely (b/c you might end up regretting that) but you can definitely slow things down/distance yourself.
Sorry for your troubles.
Thank you, Bonnie Blue. This is tremendous advice - I really appreciate it. Thank you to all the other PP's as well...it has helped. I have called and scheduled an appointment with a therapist. I want SO badly to work through this anger & frustration that I hold. I am hoping that a professional can offer some clarity on the situation and give me tactics to help cope.
Bonnie Blue, I think you're right to say that I have to figure out what I *want* out of the relationship and take steps in that direction....I need to focus on that. I just want to stop using my DH as a soundboard (although he is a GREAT listener & exceptional supporter of my feelings - I know it HAS to drive him nuts! ha) & also want to make sure that I am not misplacing any of these feelings into our marriage & also most importantly, onto our future children.
DH stopped speaking with his dad, stepmom, and sister.
For a while, he would run circles around family events - going early to a wake if he knew that (other)sister was bringing his dad later, skipping events when his dad would be there, etc. One time he literally left a party when FIL showed up, and came back when he left.
Later, he decided not to give his estranged family that much power over his/our schedule. It was stupid of him to miss parties, graduations, etc. just because FIL/SIL/StepMIL would be there. Now we attend family parties, and are cordial but not warm to those people. We've been lucky - no sit-down dinners were we shared a seat with the ILS, but if those days arrive we will just deal with it as it comes.
I don't count "attending the same parties" as "a relationship." In the meantime, we don't call, write, send holiday cards, visit, etc.