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Is this normal?
I've been married a month and a half, and my husband talks to his parents at least once a day - sometimes several times - for at least 45 min - 1 hour a day. I have a job where I can't talk on the phone during the day, and most of the time work during my lunch breaks, so on his lunch break he'll call his parents instead of me. Then he'll call them again after work and chat. What bothers me most is he'll go to them for advice instead of me. He does have a valid point that they have more experience than I do about certain things, but it hurts my feelings when he'll ask me a question then go ask them the same thing - and follow their advice.
What is "normal" and how often do your spouses talk to their parents? He says it's not normal for me to only call my parents every other day.
Re: Is this normal?
It does seem excessive. I don't know too many men who talk to their parents everyday. A lot of my girlfriends talk to their parents daily or at least 4-5 times a week. My H talks to his parents once a week, I talk to mine 4-5 times/week. However, my conversations are usually pretty short and have a purpose, not just chatting. My parents live here, so I see them a lot.
What do they talk about??
As far as the advice, I definitely go to my dad a lot for advice. Examples are when we bought a house, car, set up retirement, etc. He just knows a lot more than we do. I would talk to him about how you feel.
My exH did this. A lot. And when we'd argue or have fights, he'd go running to his folks/siblings with our issues and only create more anger and frustration. By the end, they hated me solely based on things he'd told them (one-sided conversation much?).
I'm so glad he's my ex. My H doesn't do that at all.
I talk to my parents once a week. H talks to his once a month or so.
Everyone is different though. Of my four sisters I talk to my parents the least. H and his sister talk to their parents about once a month.
The problem isn't so much how often or how long he talks to them, the problem is he doesn't respect your marriage. You do not run to your parents asking them advice on everything after you have discussed it with your wife. He should be turning to you for advice. You are the ones in the marriage, not his parents. A discussion is definitely in order to tell him that he needs to be able to come to you and that you are a team. Is he telling them your personal stuff, too?
It may have been normal for him to call them everyday and normal for you to talk less frequently to your family, it doesn't make either wrong. The wrong is he still tied to his 'old' family and his 'new' one is going to suffer. I shudder to think how he will behave if you ever have children.
It might be normal for him, not normal for others. A girl friend of mine talks to her mother five times a day. I call my mom once a day and she lives 10 minutes away. When she lived 1,000 miles away, I called her twice a month.
I think it's a problem if you think it's a problem. The two of you should talk about it and compromise. Is the specific problem HOW MUCH he talks with them or WHAT he talks about with them.
Normal is a relative term. When we first got married my husband would talk to his mother everyday. I talk to my Mom about twice a week (usually once on the phone and an email). It bothered the heck out of me that my DH talked to his Mom so much. This has since decreased although he still talks to her more often than I talk to my Mom.
My thoughts
(1) Is his talking to his parents interfering with time spent with you?
(2) Is he talking to his parents about things he should be discussing with you?
In my opinion, if you can say "yes" to either than there is more to discuss with your DH. You and your DH should be making decisions together - not you, your DH, and your inlaws. There are times when it is beneficial to call your folks because they do have more experience. But, ultimately one develops as a couple when they hash out issues together. Sometimes this means you fall on your face, but mistakes are the best learning opportunities.
Another two questions:
(1) What types of issues is he going to his parents about?
(2) What was the living arrangement before marriage? My DH lived with his parents up until we got married while I had lived alone for three years and with roomates for three years prior. This alone explains a lot about how my DH and I relate on certain issues.
(3) How does your DH handle mistakes/failure?
The beginning of a marriage is a lot of figuring out how to act as a unit. You are both acting in a way that is "normal" to you personally, but foreign to your partner. Being a newlywed (and probably when you're an oldlywed too) is about what works for you as a couple - i.e. making a new normal.
I agree the contact seems excessive, but I have to wonder the above as well. I'm sure this behavior didn't just start once you got married, it had to have been there beforehand. Did you expect that he would change and suddenly start calling you rather than his parents?
Like everyone else said, "normal" is a relative term. What was his communication like with his parents before the marriage? When you were dating, etc?
I have one sister who calls my parents daily. I don't. My most recently ex spoke with his parents a few times a month. Sometimes more, sometimes less. He also thought nothing of me speaking with my parents a few days in a row or even daily from time to time.
What is the advice about? About what to wear to an awards ceremony in his industry (doesn't matter what you think), or how to invest his bonus money (in which case, even if they have been investing for 40 years, it's your money as well)?
His parents can give all of the advice that they want, but if something effects YOU, then you get a vote, not them. And you can tell him it doesn't matter what his parents think, b/c when a choice involves your life, your opinion matters more.
Ditto the others - if he was never a full member of your team, why did you marry him?
both of us talk to our parents about once a day. If we went a few days that wouldn't be abnormal, noone would be stressed....
Think about this, one day you'll have kids...do you want some rule that they can't talk to you once a day?
I don't see frequency as being the issue, I see the content of the calls as being the issue. You are his wife. He should be talking to you about things. He should want to. If this is not the case, then that's a problem. You come first.
He needs to cut the cord, it sounds like.
I think you sound very, very controlling. Why are you making such an issue over who & how often he talks with his family? He should stop telling you when he talks to them.
And seriously, do you think he should call you at work during lunch?? What..do you not see him when you get home? I think if he is calling his parents during his lunch time at work, he is making sure it doesn't interfere with your home time with him. Give it a rest.
We each talk to our parents once or twice a week. Then again, I hate talking on the phone.
As for advice, WE seek out advice as a couple.
1) Look around your house for a pair of scissors.
2) Give them to your DH.
3) Tell him it is time to cut the apron strings from Mommy and Daddy.
You need to talk to him about this, and the sooner the better. This is not a good way to start a marriage. If he refuses to listen, then I would go to someone who can counsel you as a couple, such as a pastor/priest or a professional.
Yes, his parents have more experience about certain things, but it never hurts to learn about these "certain things" on one's own. That is how one gains experience in life matters.
The frequency here does not bother me, rather the content- if he's taking their advice over yours, or talking to them about things that you as a couple should decide, it would feel like a lack of respect to me.
As far as calling every day- eh, I do that with my parents. I live 4200 miles away from them, I am an only child, and I consider them my close friends. But that is also because I have a job where I have more than enough time to chit chat on the phone, and I would NEVER go to them with issues that should be between me and my husband. I might tell them about things, but they understand that we are our own unit, and do not try to give advice.
Also, ditto PPs- normal is relative. The main issue is not frequency of talks, but a lack of respect for your opinions.
I disagree with this, she is not saying "do not call your parents all the time",she is asking is this normal behavior and expressing that she is feeling left out. I think she is looking for reassurance that this is normal behavior and that is doesn't mean anything negative concerning his feeling for her. That is hardly controlling.
I disagree with this, she is not saying "do not call your parents all the time",she is asking is this normal behavior and expressing that she is feeling left out. I think she is looking for reassurance that this doesn't mean anything negative concerning his feelings for her. That is hardly controlling.
As far as phone calls go, different things are normal to different people. My husband speaks to at least one of his parents almost every day for about 15 minutes, whereas I talk to my parents 2-3x a week (more if something special is going on, less if I'm really busy) but talk to them for longer. When I was in college I talked to them about once a week and even less when I did study abroad.
Sometimes parents really do have more experience (i.e. I often call my mom with cooking questions). I wouldn't really care/worry if my husband called his parents during his lunch break instead of me since I know I will see him when are home and have a pretty short break. However, I might be concerned about the fact that he always turns to his parents. In the end, you are the one who would know whether this is a problem in your relationship or not. The fact that there are daily phone calls should not be an issue.
Some people talk to their parents more than others do. There is no "normal". That aside, in your situation, I think the bigger issue is that your husband is going to his parents for advice more than he is going to you.
My husband and I had the same issue when we first got married and I let it go on long enough before I realized that it really was bothering me and it was something I needed to talk to him about. It's important to remember that your husband has probably been going to his parents for advice for years... if he asks them for advice that much now then he probably even went to them for advice about you and your dating relationship. However, you need to let him know how all of this makes you feel.
In my situation, I had to let my husband know that it hurt me that he would always go to his parents for advice about things before he would come to me. It made me feel like he doesn't want my opinions on things... like maybe it wasn't good enough. He didn't fully realize how much it bothered me because it had just became a habit for him to go to them with things. Yes they have more experience than I do about certain things, but he needed to be reminded that I would still like to be considered.
I wanted him to know that I didn't want to change his relationship with his parents as much as I wanted to make our relationship better. I told him that he had to remember that I am his wife now and he is my husband and we need to rely on one another more.
?A couple of the most important things that my husband and I have promised each other is that we need to keep open lines of communication and be able to talk to each other about anything and everything. Also, we promised to keep our marriage business/relationship between the two of us. A problem I think most couples have is discussing the marital fights and spouses faults with all their family and friends.?Sometimes their spouse doesn't even realize there is an issue. We keep our marriage between us because that is who it directly effects. If we want to discuss some personal marriage thing with our parents then we talk to each other about it first.
So have a sit down conversation with your husband and let him know how him always going to his parents for advice makes you feel. Remind him that you two are married now and the decisions you make in your lives directly effect one another and let him know you want to be included. - In my situation, we have been married for two years and my husband will still occasionally go to his parents for advice on small things but I just remind him of how I would have preferred he talked to me about it first. He usually just didn't think about it or it really was something I have no experience with and it's not a big deal.