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In need of an outside opinion...
So I am 9 weeks along in my first pregnancy and I need to know if I am just being crazy town due to the hormones or if it is okay that I am a little upset.
We just told my hubby's parents a couple of days ago. This is their 1st grandchild so they were thrilled. After about 5 minutes of gushing.... MIL started talking about how a few of the cousins have been trying to conceive and have had no luck. Apparently they have been trying for over 4 years. I had no idea about this and kinda started feeling a little guilty because, frankly, our little prego was a surprise. A very happy one though.
So anyway, she goes on to tell us that we might not want to "rub it in" when we see them at xmas (we live out of town). I mean I will be showing by then. But now, I almost feel like I can't be excited about my pregnancy around the family in the holidays. Like I can't talk about it. Or whatnot.
I would never dream of saying anything to deliberately hurt this couple, but now I just feel like me just being present is enough.
Am I wrong for being a little upset? Is it just the hormones making me overreact? By upset I don't mean angry or mad, more depressed and sad.
How would you go about this? I am very excited about my little bundle of joy, but when does it become not ok to be excited? The fact that I feel like I can't talk about it makes me depressed. What would be crossing the line?
EDIT:
Oh, and I might Delete after I receive some advice because I am pretty sure the cousin is on the bump or maybe even the nest.
Re: In need of an outside opinion...
If you don't tell them and let them figure it out for themselves, they may indeed take offense.
You and your H will find a way to tell them and make sure it's done in such a way nobody gets hurt feelings. They'll be just as thrilled as you are, I'll bet.:)
I'd announce that you are pg to the family before Christmas. That way, if you are all going to meet up, if it is too hard for the cousins to see you showing, they can stay home or keep their distance during the gathering, etc. - whatever works for them.
The best way to handle seeing them in person is to accept any congratulations, etc., but not make a big deal about talking about yourself. No squealing, etc. You don't have to act like you are inconvenienced by being pregnant or unhappy, but a happy "Thank you so much!" instead of gushing "Oh, thank you so much! Of course this was a surprise but we are so THRILLED! We've already picked out colors for the nursery, and are going with yellow and green, even though we are going to find out if we need pink booties or blue....! haha, I wish I had a cocktail, but you know, can't drink b/c of baby!"
We are not particularly close to the cousin. My H has a very large family so the get togethers are enormous. I am pretty confident I won't be the annoying preggo person, mostly because I don't really like being the center of attention or talking about myself.
But how should we tell them? Like should we just let them hear from MIL/grapevine since we are not close? I mean, we are FB friends with them, but the idea of announcing the state of my uterus at any point on FB makes me want to hurl more than the smell of cooking meat right now. Even if it is in a private message.
We see them only on holidays and that is it. No calls or anything.
If you never normally talk to them, my advice is that once you're truly ready for everyone to nkow, tell MIL to start spreading the news. I would imagine it would get to them through the grapevine, especially if people start to congratulate you on FB.
To be honest, they don't sound like people you should be making a specific point to tell directly or seperately. Honestly, to do so might clue them in that you know about their situation, and that might upset them too.
And ditto suebear on how to act in general. You even said it- you don't really like to be the center of attention. So.... act accordingly. Graciously accept congratulations, answer questions as they come up, but don't overly gush and dont' talk only about the pregnancy.
If you do talk to this couple, I'm sure they'll congratulate you. Thank them and then ask them how they are doing - if yo uknow anything about them (a recent trip, perhaps) ask about that to get the attention off the pregnancy.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
BFP #3 2.15.11 EDD 10.27.11. DD born 10.29.11
Betas @9dpo = 23 Betas @12dpo= 128.5 Betas @17dpo= 1075 Betas @21dpo =5800s
@6w hb 114 bpm! @8w4d hb 178 bpm! @12w hb 169 bpm! @18w hb 150 bpm!
It doesn't diminish your joy at all to be kind and considerate to a couple with IF issues. It makes you a wonderful person with a good deal of banked karma.
Christmas will come and go, and you'll feel wonderful and good. They will be happy for you and hopefully they will have their own news to share in good time, too. Hopefully, your MIL will lighten up and not be such a downer as things progress well. Maybe she's had disappointments in her own past that she's projecting? Who knows?
I have a sister who has been dealing with IF issues for over 3 years. I have seen the heartbreak in her eyes many many many times when family members have became pregnant. It is a very touchy subject.
I know you did nothing wrong, and you should be excited and I would be excited...just watch how excited you are around those cousins. Because like I once told someone - we have no idea how it feels to have these issues, and we can NOT judge their emotions until we go through it.
Congratulations!
This. I don't really get what you are asking-- it seems like you are upset that MIL brought it up, and that you should get to be as excited as you want-- but then you say you don't want to be the center of attention.
I think you need to be gracious and classy.
I'm not pregnant, no kids, and I don't want to be (H and I are childfree by choice), so consider that when you read this reply.
To me, being the one that Has What Others Want (I'll say being engaged when friends aren't yet, since I can relate to that) is a tricky place to be. You want to show your excitement and share your news, but you also don't want to rub the salt in the wounds of the others who don't have What Others Want. On the other hand, the others have a responsibility too and that is to separate their own personal experiences - whatever they might be - from the news they're getting. Just because I got married before person X doesn't take anything away from person X. It's not like there are a set number of marriages allowed, or a set number of pregnancies allotted, for a set population. Just because you're pregnant doesn't mean that they won't be. You're not taking anything from them.
However, that said, not everyone can think like that. People tend to get jealous and envious and unsure of themselves when others get what they wanted for themselves, and that's when we who Have What Others Want have to be sensitive. Sure you can share your news, but do it subtly and without shoving it in their faces. Of course you can't be responsible for their reactions, but being obnoxious about it won't endear you to anyone.
You can be excited, but should also be sensitive. SueBear gave a perfect example of how not to act!
I've been on both sides of this issue. It took DH and me over a year (and lots of tests and ultimately fertility drugs) to conceive. I was very worried that we would never have children. A friend of mine was also worried and was going through similar tests, but then got pregnant. From that moment on, she mentioned pregnancy in every conversation. Planning lunch would turn into "I'm pregnant and hungry all the time" statements. Work conversations would turn into "since I got pregnant I'm so tired and struggling to stay awake at work." I'm not being dramatic, it worked its way into every single conversation on every conceivable topic. I was happy for her, but I also felt a bit grouchy that she wasn't a little more sensitive, especially since several weeks before she was in the same boat.
On the flip side, we eventually did get pregnant and we now have two kids, but DH's cousin and his wife appear to have some trouble. When we saw them while I was pregnant, I just accepted congratulations and stated how excited we were. And that was pretty much it. I didn't make it the topic of all of my conversations.
Just try to limit all the baby baby baby talk around those members of the family. You don't have to try to suck in your stomach or avoid answering questions or accepting best wishes.
You just try to be normal and not gush. Other than that, you get to be happy and quietly excited.
You'll be in your 2nd trimester by Halloween. At that point, mosts people announce it. Hopefully the grapevine will have gotten the news to them by then, but just in case, it's time to announce it - even if that means posting on facebook.
The biggest favor you can do for them is to make sure that they know before hand. Finding out about someone else's pg can be really hard and finding out in public where you have to put on a brave face makes it so much worse. Let them find out in private. And DO NOT mention it was an accident. Please. Just don't.
As a former infertile, I can tell you that it was super hard to learn about my BFF's pg. On her 1st mo TTC. Twins. And I was happy for her. Really, I was. That doesn't mean I didn't cry about it too as I was 2 years into infertility, taking shots and having invasive tests and procedures.
This sums it up best.
If I were at that family function and you weren't excited about your pregnancy I would find that to be a bit off.
DH and I have been TTC for three years. About a year ago, my cousin got pregnant (an "oops" baby, but very welcomed). My aunt told my mom who told me about it. I was glad she did and that I wasn't blindsided by a big announcement at the holidays. I am very happy for my cousin (and her daughter is adorable) and I feel no resentment toward her whatsoever. At the same time, pregnancy announcements are difficult to hear because I have dreamed of being the one to make the next announcement. So, I would have your mom/aunt/whomever break the news gently and go from there. You don't need to acknowledge her fertility troubles (as far as I know, my cousin has no idea of our infertility).
During the holiday, no one wants to hear all about someone's pregnancy, whether they are infertile or not. You can be excited and answer questions, but there is no need to make it a topic of conversation. Take your cue from the cousins, talk about other things, don't draw attention to your pregnancy, and enjoy the holiday just as you otherwise would have. Do not go on about "next year when we have little junior..." or "now that we have a little one on the way..." etc. That's annoying to everyone and that is definitely hurtful to those struggling with infertility.
I would also like to recommend a website www.resolve.com, which is dedicated to infertility awareness. Under "Support and Services" there is a spot for family and friends. It has some great advice on it.
Congratulations on your pregnancy! Here's to a happy and healthy 9 months!
I agree with this 100%.
As someone who has dealt with infertility, it's always best to know what is going on and not get blindsided by it.
Well said.