I don't think I'm wrong... but I could be wrong. (long story)

lexiarein

DH is 28. He has a 30 year old brother, who lives in his parents' basement, only has a part-time job, has no friends and is so SO weird. DH and my ILs treat said 30 year old like a child. He's diabetic and so ILs were going out of town for the weekend and MIL asked DH to see if we could have BIL over for dinner to keep an eye on him and make sure he was eating what he is supposed to. HE'S 30 YEARS OLD HE CAN TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF!!! (I think I may have ranted about this before) I can't hold a conversation with BIL because he's so freakin weird. He'll make a comment that is just so bizarre that I have no idea what to say back. He's sent me emails on facebook telling me what he's getting our nephew for Christmas (In JULY!!) Their cousin (the one with the twins) was pregnant and due in May last year (a curse for the family because *everyone* was born in May) she announced over fb that she had lost the baby and BIL posts "Don't worry, there's still penty of time for another may baby". So while I think he may have some serious social interaction issues, he's is DH's OLDER brother and not a child, and I seem to be the only one who recognizes this.

So now that that's out of the way, DH and I go to my parents' every Sunday and have dinner with them and my brothers. My parents are out of town this Sunday so I told DH he could invite his parents over for dinner. His parents gave us about $15,00 total to help with us getting the house so I feel kinda obligated to have them over at least once. I mentioned to DH that he probably shouldn't invite his brother since we only have 4 chairs at our table. (It was an excuse, I didn't feel that his brother was required and frankly, he freaks me out) So nothing was said except that his parents weren't sure if they could come because they might have to put their horse down tomorrow. 

I guess DH mentioned something about BIL "can come to dinner if he wants to" or something, I don't remember, I guess I wasn't really paying attention. But I guess he also invited BIL to dinner... behind my back. 

1.BIL freaks me out the way a black-clad man wearing a ski mask would in a back alley.

2. We only have four chairs at our table

3. DH didn't even ask me before he invited BIL. 

4. If ILs were going to come over I was going to make something not even remotely diabetic-friendly and do not have enough of anything to make for 5 people that is. 

 So DH and I had a huge blowup. There was screaming and I almost cried and it ended with me going upstairs to be by myself to cool down for a little bit. 

He kept saying how it's not fair to exclude his brother (he has a sister too, did we invite her, no, does he feel like he's excluding her, no. BIL's world will not be shattered by us just inviting the parents who helped up buy the house to dinner) and how upset BIL would be if he wasn't invited (he really wouldn't, I promise) and how I'm the bad guy because I didn't want the brother over for dinner (well I don't really, but I realized that is an issue I have to deal with, but that was not why I was mad) I was just angry because he did it behind my back and he tried to turn it around like I hated his brother or something. 

So what do you make out of this? I understand DH wants his brother to come, but we weren't inviting the whole family, just ILs. His brother freaks me out, and he knows it. If he had just said that he really wanted BIL to come to dinner, and we had actually talked about it, it wouldn't have been such an issue. 

If you think I'm wrong, please give me the cold hard facts, just try to be gentle.

louieblue

Does your BIL have some underlying issues, like a mild mental handicap, that your DH and ILs aren't seeing?  That or does BIL have an extreme social ineptitude? 

I don't think you're obligated to invite your BIL, but I probably would anyway.  Especially if he would only come over every once in a while with your in-laws.  it's not like you'd be left alone with him. 

I think you both have some reason to be mad.  Regardless of what his brother acts like, that's still his brother.  People get really touchy about their blood relatives.  DH could hypothetically say all the negative things he wanted about his family, but it's none of my business to voice ill feelings towards them.  Same with me.  I can gripe about my mom, but my H knows better than to say anything bad because he'll get my foot up his butt. So in that sense, I can understand your H's anger.  Regardless of BIL's life choices, his family has chosen to treat him like a baby.  So in your H's eyes, excluding him was not going to work.

I can also understand your anger.  Whatever happened, your H did go behind your back.  Since you are a team, it should have been a joint decision to invite or not invite BIL.

 In the future though, if it's decided to not invite BIL, I wouldn't use the 'only 4 chairs' excuse.  Something about it seems a little back-handed to me, but then again, we regularly seat 6 people at our table -- we pull up other chairs.  

 All in all, I would express to your H the uneasiness you feel towards your BIL and that you'd like to make time for strictly ILs next time.  If anything, make something that isn't diabetic friendly, and let them know ahead of time what the menu will be.

I hope everything works out lex!

stormchasersbride

I'm sorry you are upset!

I think you are most angry that DH went behind your back when you  had already expressed to him that the invitation was for his parents. 

I do not think you should feel obligated to entertain his 30 yo brother every time you choose to have your in-laws over.  

I am team Lex on this one!

Hang in there. 

branz7

Sorry you and DH fought; it does seem that his actions made him appear sneaky-pants behind your back, and yes, you are a team, and frankly, it sounds like you're the cook too, so he could have certainly been more thoughtful of your time and efforts as a hostess.  

I agree that your BIL is a grown-azz man, and if the point of the meal was to thank your ILs for the money they gave you for your home, then yeah, you didn't have to include BIL in the invite.  You were trying to make a special occasion of it by just honoring them...or at least that's probably what I would have said, if I didn't want to include BIL, instead of the chair thing.  Sorry hun, but that was a pretty obvious excuse :-(  

But also, I am kind of wondering if you tried very hard with BIL before you deemed him a "weirdo"? Sometimes people are just INCREDIBLY socially awkward, and the fact that you ILs baby him, and he still lives at home does not help at all, I sooo get that.  But even so, has he done anything like truly weird, such as made inappropriate advances on you or a child, or abused someone in some other way?

If there is something truly nagging in your gut because you sense he is messed up in the head, and has the potential to cause harm (I mean real harm, like he's a molester, or something) then by all means, I'm with you 100%; he stays the h-e-double-hockey sticks away from you and your home and esp. your future kids, and your DH needs to have a come to Jesus about the truth of things.

But if you just think he's creepy and lame for living with his parents, and that their relationship with each other (ILs to BIL) is whack...well, you're absolutely correct, but that isn't the same thing really, IMO.  

Even his comment to your cousin who miscarried was not freakish and evil possibly so much as it was immature and thoughtless.  And I don't enjoy people like that either.  But I'd say if you can bear him in group settings and try to just ignore him, you can handle seeing him from time to time for family gtgs.

Talk to your DH about the going behind your back tho, you guys need to establish boundaries that you both enforce when it comes to family.  

And btw, my H and I feel pretty comfortable with sporadic gripes here and there about each others' families.  We are cautious about how we'll say it, I've noticed, but we both feel safe enough to tell each other if "It drives me nuts that your mom's always late for stuff" or "Your brother is acting so rude tonight I cannot stand it."  When something is true, it's true.  

I hope you feel better soon! 

lexiarein

Thanks for the moral support and letting me vent.

To clarify, I don't believe BIL would harm me in any way, or anyone else. Quite the opposite, he would go out of his way for pretty much anyone. And while that sounds super nice, he's just so awkward that he makes people uncomfortable.

This is what I've come up with, take the guy from 40-year old virgin (the movie) and subtract the friends, and instead of all the Star Wars/Trek figures it's 100% Transformers. So that 40-year old virgin + nerdiest most socially awkward comic book geek you've ever known +  Rainman (a smidge) + that coworker you have who will tell you something completely random and you have absolutely no response to = my BIL.

When my mom first met him for the wedding party cookout, she said he was creepy because he didn't talk to anyone but my 2-year old nephew. My brother's GF was his opposite for the wedding and all she had to do was walk back down the isle with him after the ceremony and she didn't even really want to do that. He just makes people uneasy. 

I would swear he is a highly functional autistic except that they say he was completely normal (maybe a lil geeky) with friends and stuff until his sophomore year of high school. 

So I don't even know if he is coming to dinner tomorrow. I hope not just because I'm making drip beef sandwiches and have no idea how I would substitute bread... Whatever, we'll see what happens. 

Kathiiy

I think you should investigate the Brother more.  Perhaps something happened to home that the family is ignoring or not speaking about.  Or maybe he does have some kind of social disorder.  

If you know the problem or reason behind his weird behaviour then things might make a bit more sense to you. 

Sorry, that doesn't help your original situation.    I think it was wrong for DH to invite him behind you back.  It is totally okay for you to be able to have the parents over without him, but it is hard to issue an invite like that when he Lives with them.  

Let us know how it all goes.