Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: DESPERATE for help... there's trouble in paradise...
I have a feeling it's less "I make all the money and therefore make all the decisions" and more that she's surfing the Internet all day and probably has a list of potential houses a mile long that they cannot afford. The fact that she's fresh out of college and unemployed, but looking at purchasing a house anyways tells me that she's firmly ensconsed in Dreamland.
Let's just say I have a hunch that her H told her they can't afford these houses on his salary alone and she spun it into he's being a selfish doucheknuckle.
TEAM BOWIES!
Also, I'm not sure why she thinks she's going to magically trip over a teaching job in October when teachers are being layed off and furloughed left and right. Miss ma'am needs to get the hell out of that hotel, check out neighborhoods, get a rental, and find a job serving coffee or something.
Click me, click me!
Your H sounds like a douche but honestly he might be just as frustrated as you are with the situation and that's how he channels his frustration (rightly or wrongly).
I think you need to have a serious chat with him about how his behavior is making you feel. Then I think it's your time to take control of what you can and make the best of what you've got right now. Get a part-time or full-time job working retail or waiting tables. It isn't glamorous but there are a lot of unemployed people who would LOVE to have those jobs. You are not the only one who isn't doing the job they went to college for. I graduated with a bachelor's in political science, had a year studying abroad, and 2 major internships under my belt and I have been an administrative assistant for almost 3 years. It's not what I set out to do but dammit I am happy just to be employed right now and getting a paycheck. It isn't nearly what H brings home but it is gratifying and fulfilling for me to be able to contribute to our household even just a little bit.
Go out and volunteer for something that you are passionate about. That is a FANTASTIC way to meet new people. Are you both church-going people? That is also a good way to meet new people quickly.
Don't buy a house straight away. Rent an apartment or a townhome until you get things straightened out. Owning a home right away will only add more stress to what seems to already be a tense environment.
That's just my take. We have all been in similar-feeling situations where it seems like every day is worse than the last but there comes a point when you have to make the choice to make the best of what you've got and now is that time for you.
For the love of God, find a place to rent! DO NOT buy a house right now. Save your money until you get into a more stable situation in your marriage to make big decisions. Some other thoughts:
1.) Teaching jobs are scarce these days. I know you want to use your degree, but in the meantime to get you out of that hotel look into something like Starbucks or waiting tables. You can make good money (tips etc.) with good hours (and Starbucks gives you part time benefits by the way) in the meantime while you look for something better. I know its not ideal, but nothing about your situation is.
2.) Your husband is being a jerk. I get it that its hard on him with his new work situation and then this living in a hotel thing, but he should absolutely NOT be minimizing your contributions to this make-shift household. This is really hard on you and the fact that he is not at all empathizing with you makes me want to nut-punch him. I have a hard time believing this behavior of his is new to you. I am guessing his jerkfaceness has just become more readily apparent.
3.) I understand that you are stressed, but you can go to the dollar store & buy some basic cooking equipment. Get some dishsoap & sponges. If he wants you to cook (and you want to) then go ahead and make hamburger helper, casseroles (you can get multiple meals out of that). Get a crockpot. You can make meals in there that take all day while you job hunt or are at your part-time job. I am not saying you are required to cook, but its possible & might help you have something to do during the day if you aren't working (suggestion above).
Ditto to the other suggestions for counseling. You both need to learn the basics of fair & honest communication so that you don't take out stress on each other.
To elaborate, I have been looking for substitute positions, but we are in a big city, and It is silly of me to get a position near the hotel we are in because we are not going to be living near this hotel once we move.
I have however gotten a job nannying, but it is only 2 days a week for a couple hours each day. I was a nanny after college because I graduated in december of 2010 and there were no teaching jobs available within a decent driving range of my home. I have also done a little volunteering with a student organization at the college near our hotel. I am not a complete and total loser like some of you have thought. I am however desperate for more. Money really isn't an issue for us, but my husband is a bit paranoid and thinks we cant afford anything. We both have great credit scores for people our age, and between the two of us, we have over 50,000 in savings, neither of us have any debt (no student loans, cars are paid for etc.) We are not as young as some of you may think. I noticed that some of you were very critical about our age, but he is 27 and has been out of college for 4 years and I am 23. Yes, some of you may think that 23 is extremely young to be married, but I did not come here to be criticized. I get enough of that from him. I came here for help. Some of you criticized me for my attitude, but I came here asking for help and some of your attitudes towards me just made me feel WORSE, not BETTER. And, as for some of you thinking that I am living in "dreamland" or whatever you called it, I am actually a very realistic person. It just gets hard even if you are trying to do all the right things, and things just arent going well.
For the record, I fix dinner a couple nights per week, just not EVERY night.
It is sad that I came here for help, and some of you basically attacked me and made me feel much worse.
Go down to the local board of ed office and register to become a substitute teacher. that will get you out of the house and make some connections. Most schools are desperate for certified substitutes.
go get a job any job...!!!
of course your H is a douche and there is NO excuse for him to talk to you like that...NONE.
Honey, we can only respond to what you tell us.
Please answer my questions below about what kinds of conversations you and your H had before marriage.
We talked about lots of things before marriage... money, kids, household duties etc.
I am starting to realize that he is modeling our marriage after his parents marriage and expects me to be like his mother. She is a people pleaser, and I have recently realized that she does anything and everything for him. She cleans up after him, and cooks whatever he asks for.... you get the picture.
She was a teacher and worked for 30 years, and still did all of the cleaning and cooking by herself. I think that despite what he said when we talked about things like this, he really expects me to be like her and hold down a full time job and do all cooking and cleaning myself.
To give you an idea of his personality, he refuses to let me iron his clothes because he says 'I do it wrong'. He also REFUSES to eat leftovers. So imagine this, I cook a meal for the two of us, and if there are leftovers he makes me throw them away. I also get up most mornings at 6:00 and make his lunch to take to work so that he doesn't have to fix it himself.
I really don't want to be a doormat, but I don't know what to do.
So now your husband is changing his tune on money, household duties, etc.? Or are you just realizing what his expectations meant now that you are not living under his parents' roof?
Your core issues can be fixed. Stop babysitting and get a job. Any job. It will be a stepping stone for social relations and an opportunity to contribute to the overall financial well being of your family. Have a heart to heart with your H about daily stuff. Find common ground.
Your complaints in your updates sound petty. Let the pettiness go. This is life. Real life.
What did you agree to?
I get what is going on now, but what was the consensus before you got married? Did you make it clear what you expected? Did he?
Have you talked about this since? How do you react when he criticizes you or accuses you of sitting on your ass all day? Your first post honestly made it sound like you were sitting on your ass all day.
What are the 2 of you doing to get out of that hotel? Like others have said, look for rentals. It's the fastest and easiest way. And it will give you an opportunity to test out different neighborhoods before you commit to a location.
From this limited information, it sounds like you are giving him all the control. For example: He doesn't like leftovers, so you throw them away. Who's to say that you can't eat them. Or heck, re-work them into something else the next night for dinner. I probably would even pack them in his lunch and if he complained, tell him that he is more than welcome to pack his own lunch.
Counseling would b a good idea to work things out with your husband. It's sometimes good to have a third party as a mediator if things tend to get heated or go in circles when you try on your own.
And don't let staying in a hotel limit your substitution options. Do you have a car? Substituting will be the best way for you to network and get to know the different school districts in your area.
Above all else, work on making yourself happy. Right now, this is your home. Do what you can to make it feel that way.
You're not his mother, and he shouldn't expect you to be. He's way wrong for that.
However, your not doing yourself any favors by sitting around in your hotel room all day. I know, from personal experience how much it sucks when you can't find a job that matches your qualifications, but sometimes, you have to do what you have to do.
First of all go downstairs during the day, and chat with the front desk people when it's slow. They've probably been living in the area for quite awhile longer and you'd be surprised at the information they can offer you. If you get to know them well enough they may be able to point you towards jobs that you won't find on the internet. Perhaps a local cafe needs a server, or a church daycare needs an extra babysitter.
What the h3ll is that BS? You don't have a contract when you are a substitute. It isn't some long term commitment. A teacher is out sick, you go in, easy peasy. Once you move you let HR know you are no longer available to sub.
I just started subbing myself. I have been able to get a job every day I wanted to except the first day and that was because I didn't understand the system. Good subs are in demand and if you are certified you get paid well.
You aren't getting a position you are filling a need.
wait what? I don't get your sub excuse.
First of all, being a sub is rarely a long time commitment. Sign up with the city and then you get a different post every day.
But even a long term sub job could work. When I lived in London, I got a long term (1 year) sub job for a teacher on mat leave. I had to take it or reject it before I knew where we would be living. Turns out I had to commute 1.25 hours each way. I survived. It was at least better than sitting around complaining all day that I was bored.
I also don't get how you can only seem to make dinner a few nights a week when you have NOTHING else going on, yet I can do it with a full time job and a baby every single night. I'm not trying to get a medal here, but stop making excuses. It seems you have a lot of them.
Should your H say you get no say in housing decisions? OF COURSE not. But it also does sound like, from your follow up, that you two have very different budget ideas for a house. You need to come to an agreement. But really, don't buy. Rent.
How can you "make you" throw the left overs away. Keep them and eat them for lunch while he's at work.
Your H does sound like a jerk with control issues.
I'm sorry if your feelings got hurt, but please understand this is a message board, and people are going to voice their opinions even if it's something you don't want to hear. The way your first post came off, it did make it sound like you just sat around and felt sorry for yourself all day. Not your intention, I know, but that is how it came off.
While I know you said you did have Nanny work that you did two days a week, I think some of the others gave you some really good advice. I don't understand your excuse not to sub either. Like others have said, it's not a contract, it's a as needed basis. Another option you could look into is for tutoring. I often see ads looking for good tutors, some even for schools. It might be something you can look into, and some positions I've even seen you would work with the person online, via chats and such. Maybe even look into something to help supplement your income, even if you know you're over qualified for it. Work in a shop, waitress, something to help you, and you can meet people that way too.
I think you need to sit your H down and have a long talk about how he's been treating you. While I do think you could probably cook more often, his refusal to eat leftovers makes me roll my eyes. Is he a picky eater as well, or is it just that one trait? I would not throw away left overs, you could always eat them. Does he ask you to make his lunch for you or do you just do it to be nice? I'm a new mom, and I still cook nearly every night (Maybe 1-2 nights a week MH does or he brings something home) so I don't see any reason you couldn't cook a little more often. I know those kitchens are tiny, but you can make em work. I think your H needs to realize that moving to an entirely different state can be super overwhelming, and without a job and no friends, it can be even harder. I do think you should talk to your friends though. If they really are your friends, they love you and just want whats best for you.
When MH and I first moved to the state we live in now, it was because of my job, and MH did not have anything lined up yet. I did not for one moment make him feel like he had no say in what happened with our money. He got a job after about a month, and while yeah it was a bit tight on just one salary, I would never have dreamed of making him feel guilty for not having anything. I am sorry your H is acting like a jackass about that.
I do think you should really think about your options. I know you're a teacher, but sometimes you gotta do something you're over qualified for before you can do what you actually want to do, you know? I hope things work out for you.