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Posting under AE....mom problems....
Since I am fairly "well known" on FM as having MIL issues, I am posting this under an AE....
I am having issues with my mom, who seems to have hit a mid-life crisis in the past year....lost a bunch of weight, decided to buy an all new wardrobe, got plastic surgery, and is now very into herself. Has booked plastic surgery #2 for the year and now talks about everything she can/can't eat, can/can't wear, and how people tell her all the time she is so amazing. It is getting to the point where I am vaguely disinterested to downright annoyed.
I will preface this by saying that my mom has NEVER, EVER been like this before...growing up and even into adulthood, it was always about her family, her kids, and her grandkids. Home cooked meals, laundry done, housework, sports, and just happy with life, or so it seemed.
This is a hard adjustment for me, as an adult and a mom, to suddenly have a mother who is so....for lack of a better term....vain, and self-obsessed now. Would you address it or keep your mouth shut?
Re: Posting under AE....mom problems....
The next time she brings up her looks, instead of telling her how vain she is, why not ask her "what is the reason behind the 'new you?'"
You are also perfectly within your rights to say "mom, I love you, and I'm happy you are happy with your weight/looks, but I'm not really interested about every last detail of your diet or wardrobe."
Quite frankly, if your mom spent her life devoted to you, your siblings, and her grandchildren, she has every right, now that you are grown, to focus on herself, to put herself first, and to spend time / money / effort into her appearance. If you're p.o.'ed that she isn't spending her free time babysitting her grandchildren, then you are being selfish.
I was on the same lines as Wahoo. Maybe your mom wants to focus on herself for once because she spent her life focusing on everyone else. If this is the case your mom deserves this and she should.
Maybe you are annoyed that your mom talks about it so much but maybe she is because she is proud of the transformation. When I did my diet I was so proud of being able to accomplish something and have the willpower to change the way I eat. I don't do it to annoy people or rub it in people's faces.
I think it really depends on exactly what you find wrong with her new attitude.
If she's gotten to the point where she thinks that her only paths to happiness are more material objects/clothes, more plastic surgery, losing more weight, etc., then I would sit down with her and tell her that you love her and you're concerned for her health. I would ask her what she views as "happiness" in her life and remind her how much joy she had in the past with her family.
But if the only real problem here is that she talks about herself a lot now, I would just let it go. It might not have been a mid-life crisis so much as wanting to make a change. Even if she put on a brave face for you and your family, maybe she was really quite unhappy when you weren't around to see it. And like a PP said, if she's devoted her entire life to her family then it sounds like she deserves to feel pretty and youthful for once. When you're with her and she just wants to talk about herself, indulge her for a while and then try to change the subject.
My parents do not live nearby, and do not babysit for us on a regular basis, so I am not peeved about free babysitting or lack of time, etc.
I feel it is more of a personality transplant than anything; my mom used to be fairly laid-back (dad is more type-A and anxiety-ridden) and was very calm and happy to be around family. Now she is high-strung and acts like everything is a chore to her unless it revolves around her....her exercise routine, her job, her life.....and she never used to act like this. She used to be happy to see her kids and grandkids, and cook and spend time with everyone; now she is more closed off, she plays computer games and talks to her friends instead. I have spoken to my dad about it, and his attitude is that this is the "new, improved" mom and we should just keep mum about it and eventually, she will morph back into the person she used to be....but I don't think so. And I worked super hard to have a good relationship with my mom in the first place, we did not get along well and were not super close until I was married with children, so this "new" version of her is someone I can't wrap my head around....
One example of a problem is that I routinely help her in the kitchen; prep meals, cook with her, do dishes, etc. Lately when I do things, she goes behind me and moves a pot I put away or sighs loudly when I ask where she wants x,y,z. To the point where I want to throw my hands up and just tell her forget it. She also used to thank me for being so helpful and would remark about little things she liked about me/us/my family.....now she openly makes comments about things she dislikes or that we do wrong. I am open to having open comminucation with my parents, but again....this is not the "norm" and it makes it harder to spend time with them. I guess I grew up in an environment where you didn't tell everyone around you exactly what you thought, and you tried not to hurt other people's feelings, and now it feels like a totally different experience. IMO.
This. I say good for her for losing weight and feeling good about herself, after devoting her whole life to you.
I'm on this page too - it sounds like your mother spent several decades of her life taking care of everyone else.........I don't see a problem with her finally making herself her number 1 priority now. It's not like you "need" her anymore, you have your own life now.
And you say that she doesn't live nearby anyway, so what's the big deal? If you really can't stand to listen to her talk about her "new" life, don't answer the phone when she calls. You don't have to run to her house every weekend to help her in the kitchen. Let her live her life, and you live yours. Try to think of her as more of a friend now that you are an adult, and less of a "mommy".
It honestly sounds like you're just peeved that her life isn't all about you and your life anymore. I hope that you remember this when your own children grow up and move out, and become parents themselves. I hope that you don't get grief from them if you dare choose to live a life that is about you instead of them at that point.
As I'm dealing w/ an MIL whose personality has totally changed (for different reasons, though), I feel you.
Really, though, my only suggestion is to change how you respond to her. You feel she's rude to you when you try to help? The stop helping. She comments about it? "It seems like I'm also doing it wrong, so I figured I'd stay out of your hair and let you handle it".
If, when you take the kids to see her, she goes off and plays on the computer, dont' go over so often anymore. If she notices and asks why you haven't come over, you just honestly (but w/o an attitude) say "Lately, whenever we come over, you're always busy on the computer. I figure we'll wait for a time when you aren't so busy....".
If she's just out and out rude to you, or says something hurtful, you can respond with "wow, mom, that kind of hurts!" or "why would you say that?".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Agreed and since her children are grown - she has earned it.
Your mother isn't having a bad day, she's changed and you need to accept that. You also need to stop being a doormat to her rude behavior. Start dealing with her as she is, especially in the moment.
I think you are going to have to accept the loss of her as a friend and confidant. If you no longer enjoy the cooking and time together, then reduce it and tell her why. Also try to find new ways to connect to her new interests, the new her.
And yes, talk to her about it. I'm surprised you've resisted the urge so far.
I'd say a woman who has spent her entire life serving others deserves to spend a year having some 'me' time. It must feel nice for her to feel pretty (after how many years of not feeling so pretty?) And if she wants plastic surgery, more power to her. How many years of teen angst did she have to listen to of yours, again?How many times did she wipe your butt/dry your tears/help you grow and blossom? How many times did you bore her to tears with your self absorbed childhood needs/rants/whines when you were growing up? Did she tell you "OMG THATS SO BORING"? Or did she empathize, offer help/advice/compliments?
She's free now, having done what she was supposed to do. Let her enjoy her newfound prettiness, and don't be such a killjoy.
Based on your updates, I agree with ECB.
Your mom certainly has earned the right to be happy with herself, even if it involves plastic surgery, clothes, etc.
BUT, she doesn't have the right to criticize you or treat you poorly. But, like ECB said, you may not be able to control how she treats you, but you can control how you react to it. She sighs loudly in the kitchen? Say, "you know, I was trying to help, but it seems like you'd rather do it yourself." And walk away. If she's not interested in spending time with you and your children? Don't spend time with her. If she criticizes you or your children? Tell her that you don't want to spend time with someone who can't seem to be nice. Actions have consequences, and maybe she'll come to dislike the "new" her after she finds herself alone with her computer games.