Trouble in Paradise
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Too much negativity and stress need hekp
I'll try not to give you too much info, hopefully the short version. My husband and I have been married for
5 years together for 10. We have a son who has some health issues from being born almost 3 months early and we have a lot of financial problems. I have already been over the finances there is nothin to be done there so don't try but let me say we are to the point we have no extra money and not enough money to pay bills and we have no extra anything as far as cable or any of that. My husband is a teacher and he is teaching a new and more difficult class this year he is also taking two masters classes and was helping with a program at school but that just ended Saturday. I now stay at home with our son because it was cheaper than taking off and paying daycare. My husband is always stressed he is up till all hours working and gets uP around 5 and starts again. We barely seem him like some days we spend no time together and some days I get an hour but that's about it. I know he is under a lot of stress and I know the money thing makes everything worse but I never see him and when I do he complains about money and all the work he needs to be doing so we end up fighting because it's all so negative and then we basically arent spending any time together. On top of that he doesn't help with our son at all he has no time so I get no break and becaue of some of his issues he isn't always an easy toddler. Anyway my husband isn't a bad guy he is just stressed and doesn't see a way out or a light at the end of the tunnel and neither do I so we don't have a lot of hope. I just hate feeling like a single mom and I hate never spending time together and everything every little conversation being so frustrating and difficult. Any advice would be great!
Re: Too much negativity and stress need hekp
First breathe. Also, if your toddler sleeps at night, could you try getting a night job (waiting tables, working 3rd shift, or even 2nd shift so daycare is limited) to relieve some of the financial issues?
Does your H have to be taking both masters classes right now? or could he take them one at a time to relieve some of the pressure?
Other than that, try talking to your H about setting aside some time every week where you don't talk about your financial or time issues. Just focus on each other. It's important for his mental health as well as yours and your marriage.
As for the money, have you talked to your credit card companies about lowering your rates and payments? They may be willing to work with you on that.
My initial response is to drop a class for the grad school. However, I know that has further financial consequences that can't be avoided and would just multiply if you had to drop and retake a class. (If it's not too late, DROP A CLASS!) Otherwise, I suggest making a calendar of the important dates on the class (like after exams or big papers are turned in) that you can celebrate (RELAX) together afterwards. Also, try and negotiate for only one class at a time on the next session.
Do you have any family members, girl friends, or couple friends nearby that you could ask to watch your baby for a couple hours every other week? I know that it's hard to ask for "favors" instead of offering to pay someone, but I also know that if they care about you they are probably willing to give you a few hours of time to hang out with your husband.
I can relate--I also have a husband (teacher too) and we're both over-involved with our jobs (me) or our church stuff (him particularly)... like every single day of the week. We recently went through three weeks straight of fighting LITERALLY every single time we had a few minutes to hang out, whether it was supposed to be fun like dinner or going out for a drink, or if it was boring like chores and errands. We were fighting and ruining every spare moment we had to be together.
We had to cut out an activity, which was a big sacrifice for one of us, in order to commit to spending time together. So now on Wednesdays I make sure that I come home at a specific time, we have dinner together, and then we're committed to seeing where the rest of the night goes. Maybe we'll watch tv, or get a Redbox movie, or take a walk, or have sex--we're open to hanging out and whatever we feel like doing, together.
If you're at all religious or spiritual, I think it really helps to make that a joint priority as well. Personally, we've made a conscious effort to set aside time each day to read through a few chapters in the Bible and pray together about each other as well as other needs in our friends and family. Even though it's not "fun hangout time with hubby" this really counts towards bringing you together onto the same page mentally and emotionally.
I remember your post from money matters about your budget and the stress you have from that. Have you tried to see if the bank will work with you on your mortgage (or if you rent, can you try to find someone else to rent your place) so you can find somewhere that doesn't cost over half of your monthly income? Did you qualify for any of the programs you were looking into, since your son is sick?
I agree with pp's that your husband should cut back to 1 grad class.
I agree with everyone else - - your H does not need to be taking two grad classes right now. If it costs too much (he won't be reimbursed) to drop it, then he needs to committ to only taking ONE class next semester. Graduating by XX date is a personal goal that he is going to have to sacrifice for the greater good of the family. Even if he has two classes now, you can COUNT THE DAYS until December when he cuts back.
Personally, I think he should skip grad school next semester, and you can take on a PT job at night, so you can bring in some extra income and get your "break" from caretaking and some adult time. He can take an class in the summer when he is on break.
Do you qualify for special assistance for your son's medical issues? Sometimes the state has an advocate at the dept. of disability. You might check with the hospital where he was born and see if they can point you in the right direction.
Can you plan some special family day? For example, maybe Sunday dinner?
Also, how special is the care that your son needs? Can he play with other kids? You might consider joining the Newcomer's Club or Welcome Wagon (they aren't too picky about when you moved to the area if you recently started staying home). They have play groups and baby-sitting co-ops. Even if your son counts as "two" children for co-op reasons (b/c of the special care), you can watch other kids while you are with your son and "earn" some free babysitting. You can use that to go out with your h, or just do something on your own!
I remember this poster - from TIP or the bump? If I remember correctly - I think her DH is a d-bag? Anyone remember?
OP - I do think you should head over to MM. Those ladies can help you on a budget. As for your DH not helping you with your son, well that's an entirely different issue.
Sorry but I specifically remember you saying that your H refuses to stay home and take care of your son. If you don't think that's a d-bag, whatever, but you can't pretend that makes him a great guy.
Have you considered watching a couple other kids in your home since you are staying home with your son? Then you could provide him with the care he needs and bring home money.
My husband was a teacher and was involved in a program that required him to take some courses too but they were flexible around DD's birth. Has your H tried to ask about an exemption or waiver or anything?
My husband was very involved as a teacher and acted as an adviser or coach for several clubs, sports and activities and didn't get paid for any of them. When we had our daughter, he cut all but one out because that's what he had to do. He knew it was important to be home with our family and to be available to me and our daughter and as much as he cared about his activities, that mattered more. Your H wants everything to stay exactly the same as before your son was born and that's unreasonable.
I remember your original post and the girls on Money Matters pointed out that your mortgage was a serious problem. You guys need to come up with a way to ease or eliminate that either by renting a room, renting the house out and living somewhere within your budget or calling to try to reduce your mortgage. If you wait until you're in foreclosure, you're going to have much, much fewer options.
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
OK so everything is great then he is a wonderful dad, a great person and not a douche bag.
Glad we could help.
You got support from everyone. Just because you didnt like what someone said doesnt mean it wasnt good advice, YOU said your H did nothing with your child, never helps with him etc...so someone called him a douche...that ishow YOU portrayed him.
If there is nothing you can possibly do...there is nothing anyone can tell you. You shot all suggestions down.
PS you can not stop people from responding how they like or when they like, or dictate which posts they can reply to,
Everyone here was very nice to you until you came back with an attitude, If you don't expect to get on back you are so very wrong.