Holidays
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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First year married...how to split the holidays?
This will be the first year that my fiance and I are married, and we are trying to figure out how to split the Christmas holidays with our families. How do you all do it? I have very few family down here (just mom and dad and grandma) and he has his whole family. His family usually has a Christmas Eve gathering for his Mom's side and a Christmas Day gathering for his Dad's side. In the past I have just gone on Christmas Day. I kind of want to have a quiet Christmas Eve with my family and go to church, then host a Christmas Day breakfast for us and our parents, then go to his Grandma's big Christmas Day gathering. How do you all handle the holidays?
Re: First year married...how to split the holidays?
When we were splitting holidays (which we no longer do):
Thanksgiving at our house. His family is invited, and one sibling shows with her family. My whole family comes.
Christmas eve at his family's home (they traditionally celebrate Xmas eve).
Christmas morning just us (dh, me, kids)
Christmas dinner with my family.
Now, we don't see his family for Christmas eve b/c they no longer have a gathering. However, we make a point between Christmas and NYE to spend dinner with his brother / family.
A few things - how does he feel about your plan? To me, it sounds great. But what matters is how he feels.
Also, did you all discuss this at all before you got married?
How far apart (distance wise) are your families?
The fact that his family does his moms side and then his dads side... really, he and his parents are going to have to understand that he will not be able to take part in ALL the celebrations every year. He is married now and YOU are his primary family and the two of you need to figure a balance/compromise that works for both of you.
And I think you both need to be open minded. Do you both really WANT to be shuffling all over the place every holiday or would you like to have a quiet holiday at home - just the two of you? Realize that this is actually an option too if you want it. Trust me, both DH and I really like seeing our families, so we wouldn't want to do that either. But it IS an option.
In the end, someone is going to be disappointed. Whether it's his mom, or his dad, or someone in your family, or.... the list goes on. Just realize that someone will probably be upset that you won't be w/ them for the entire holiday.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
We are not married yet....Nov. 11 is the big day. That's why I am wanting to discuss this now.
He did not like my idea...he wants all of his family included. But I don't know how to do that. We can't host everyone at our house (sorry, but 800 square feet is too small for his huge family!). I do not want to be pushed and pulled to go here and there and everywhere for 2 days....that will suck. But his Mom's side always does dinner and gifts, and they want us there for that. But then his Dad's side takes up from 12 to 4 on Christmas Day. So where would my small family fit in?
If it were up to me, we would have a small Christmas Day with just me and him and see everyone on our own time.
And he also just needs to realize that getting married means compromise and YES, changing how the holidays work.
Now, I will say, if you've just now brought this up and he really genuinely hasn't realized that "oh yea, things are going to change", maybe this year, do your best to accomodate his family but w/ the CLEAR understanding on his part that this is the last year. He needs to go into it kind of w/ the idea of saying "goodbye" to how he's done it his entire life.
Sometimes people need time to sit on an idea and accept change - that's why maybe work w/ him this year. But only, ONLY, if you get the true sense that it's sinking in - you all aren't going to spend the entire holiday every year w/ HIS extended family.
Also to throw in - if you plan on having kids, what about then? Are you going to pull them all over Gods creation or are you going to say "we'll be staying home and starting our own traditions"? He's got to think into the future! He's an adult. HOw he did things as a child just aren't going to hold out the rest of his life.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
But there have to be people in his close knit family that visit their ILs on the holidays too. He isn'tthe first one. Even if they are extremely close it doesn't matter. Both of you are making a new family now and that new family is more important than the one he came from and your feelings matter more than his Aunt Sheila and cousin suzy. Tell him what you want. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting ot start your own traditions.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
And you can't. You will never ever in a million years be able to make every single person happy.
So you need to sit down with your fiance and have a real heart-to-heart. He needs to learn the meaning of the word compromise, and understand that his family with YOU comes FIRST and that just because his family "always" did/does it this way doesn't mean that he will be able to continue doing it that way too.
He might not get to spend both Xmas Eve and Xmas Day with his family this year. Or if he does, he might not get to spend any of it with his family next year. Yes, his mommy and daddy will be disappointed. Yes, he may feel sad and nostalgic over losing some holiday traditions. But he needs to take into account you and your feelings.
If he's not willing to do this, I'd question the type of partner/husband he's going to be.
You will never make them all happy so you need to let that go. Remember this is your holiday too and you two are more than just pawns for others to enjoy themselves. You can do whatever you want on the holidays. You can go out of town, you can visit family or you can sit at home and eat chinese food and watch kung fu movies. You truly can do whatever you want and if you want to spend some of it at your home, that is certainly fine and in my opinion healthy.
Now his family is allowed to be disappointed that you guys won't be there a lot, but that is ok too. You don't have to change your plans to avoid them being disappointed. Just accept it and enjoy yourselves.
My husband and I have done that (well, replace kung fu movies with some other sort of silly movies). But we have ordered chinese and enjoyed the holiday at home just the two of us before. And those were marvelous, stress free holidays.
We'll most likely be spending this holiday season at home, since we'll have a newborn. And there's not an ounce of guilt in that decision.
I've split Christmas since I was three, with parents and step parents and 3 sets of grandparents then DH's parents and granparents these past 6 years. We bought our house 1 week ago So from now on every Christmas Day will be at our house, so come or not we're not traveling. We'll start having kids in these next couple of years and moving kids is no fun. This way to we can ease everyone into it especially his mom. Thanksgiving I have no idea.
keep telling yourself that this is your holiday too and if you don't want to run yourself ragged going all over town TO MAKE OTHER PEOPLE HAPPY then you don't have to. THere is absolutely nothing wrong ( and again in my opinion very healthy) about spending some time alone just the two of you.
Oh and if you read Maybride's post you noticed that no one dropped dead when she and her husband didn't go over for her family's holiday celebrations. No one exploded and the world just kept on spinning. So please do not listen to any " Oh no Christmas will be ruined if you guys are here in your santa jammies on CHristmas morning" nonsense,
Something else to feel good about: the fact that your family is all nearby and you can split the holidays. My H and I live on the East Coast, with my family in the Midwest and H's family on the West Coast. No way we will ever be able to split Christmas/Christmas Eve, or even Thanksgiving/Christmas (since I always work the day before and after Thanksgiving and this year work Thanksgiving day itself). No matter where we live, we aren't going to make both families happy, and last year no one was happy (including us) since our flights were canceled due to a snowstorm.
We live several states away from our families, so we've ended up only going back to visit for Christmas break. We've alternated which family we spend Christmas Day itself with over the past few years.
This year will be a little weird because we may want to go up north to visit H's grandma, but whatever happens, we'll have to settle on what we can reasonably do and afford. We might even just stay at home and eat Chinese food (which is actually sounding kind of good right now in the face of all the possible traveling!).
My husband and I for the last 3 years before being married (this will be our first Christmas as h and w) have split everything... last Christmas, which was the first in our new home, we did our thing, went to my parents, opened presents, went to his parents to open presents and hang out and then back to my parents for dinner. It sounds like a lot, but our parents are maybe 15 minutes apart and 10 minutes at the most from our own home. (Sometimes I think we live too close to my parents ugh) I love his family and spending time with them. My grandfather is getting older and I am really close to him so I like to try and spend as much time and holidays as I can with him. It does get hard and my mom is not the easiest and most understanding person in the world to us rotating our holidays. I've chosen just to ignore her and do what is best for us. Ya, I feel run off my feet at times, but I also recognize that both families are important, so we just suck it up and deal with it. Now, when we do have kids, of course, I imagine things will change, but for now, this works for us.
It's hard, but we have learned to comprimise on this topic. This year Thanksgiving was with his family and last year it was with mine.
mmmm Finchley, Chinese Food sounds good. We did that Christmas Eve a couple years ago when H's mom was in hospital.
You need to find your own tradition and what works best for the BOTH of you. If that means splitting up the day, suck it up and split it up. Your family is now his and vice versa. Christmas is about spending time with your families and if it is not too hard I woudl just split the day and rotate it for the next Christmas.
I don't have much input... it's difficult that he does one side paternal and one maternal for xmas holidays. We did xmas eve or xmas with mine and the other with his. We considered Easter, Thanksgiving, Xmas Eve and Xmas to be major holidays. His family got Easter each year. Thanksgiving for awhile we did half and half.
We do get together with our extended families still, but are fortunate that they recognize that the actual days of the holiday (eve & day) are very hectic so all our families host it the weekend before. I celebrate with both mom and dads extended families (separate) and H celebrates with his dads extended family. Often times 2 of the 3 will be on the same night but we don't mind, we just slit the time evenly.
Then Xmas eve we always do with my dad and Xmas day we go to his parents house and my moms house, usually about 2-3hours each. Since we dont (and wont) have kids, I dont mind the driving around. I imagine when my siblings have kids, they wont want to drive around so things may change.
Alternate ever three years. You get a year for just you and DH. The next year its just his family on the actual days (doing exactly what he has been doing these past few years) and the next year you both do YOUR family the way they have always done it.
And then YOU (as a couple) fit in the other families on other days. Boxing day is a great one (I wish we as Americans, had kept Boxing Day traditions).
I totally understand that as a couple you should be able to do what you want...but you DO have to compromise with both your DH's wants and your families wants.
As a mother, I would be totally disheartened if my DD were to tell me that now she has a husband, we are NEVER EVER going to do a family holiday together again. I have no problem alternating, but to totally and completely change everything is sad and a bit selfish.
ESPECIALLY when what you want means that many of the extended families get kicked to the curb for YOUR desire to have just the parents over to your house. What a conundrum for the parents...see my newly married son OR see my extended family.
YOU get to do that, but expect the rest to be resentful and hurt.
Thats what my FI and I are doing starting this year. We will have Thanksgiving with his family in PA and Christmas with my family in KY (where we live) and then switch it up the next year.
I wish we didn't have to travel so much for the holidays but this will be my H and I's first year as a married couple. We'll be traveling 5 hours to spend X-mas Eve with my Dad's extended family, X-mas Day with my Mom's extended family, two days before X-mas eve with my imediate family and 2 days after X-mas with my H's family which is 7 hours from my parents' place, whew. Extended family is important to us as it is the only time we see some extended family so we make the trip. We did have problems with MIL relaying our plan for the holidays. She was upset the way we just told them how it'd be, like we didn't take her into consideration. She's a tad on the dramatic side but we just stuck to our plan and said that that was how we were going to be spending the holidays. It took a few weeks, but H says she's over it, even apologized for being selfish and getting upset in the first place.
Ultimately, whatever you and your H decide to do, stick to it. Family will realize you have a new family and plan to have new family traditions. If they're worth being around they'll respect your decision on how to spend the holidays and just be happy to see you if you'll be there. Good luck!
We rotate Easter and Thanksgiving, so whatever family we went to last year we go to the other side this year. We do X-mas eve with H's family and then X-mas day with mine.
This was not an easy plan to begin with as my H's family is small and the only other member of his family who had gotten married within the past 20 years was his sister. She is always with her family for EVERY holiday, with or without her H. When we started doing things differently, which we started before we were married, my H's mom and aunts had a hard time. He got A LOT of flack for not being around for every holiday. He has a close knit family and so do I and I was definitely NOT giving up any holidays with my family because they were having a temper tantrum. We still have comments made, but since it's been made clear that this is how we are doing things they have pretty much backed off.
I do agree with a comment a PP made that it's important that you and your H make your own traditions. There is no rule book so it's completely how you want to deal with the situation. Also, it doesn't mean that you can't visit with certain members of the family on days surrounding the Holiday. I don't understand why so many people get edgy about having to spend the actual Holiday with certain people. If you can't make it that day set up a different time so that you can spend quality time with them.
This is our first year married but we've been splitting holidays for years. We do X-mas eve at his dad's in PA (4 hour drive), X-mas morning at my parents in MD (leaving his dad's at 5 AM) and then dinner at his mom's in MD.
We bought a house this year so we're hoping to take over one of these traditions. Honestly, we just can't wait until we have kids and can tell everyone they have to come to us or they aren't seeing us.
Life and Love at #16 | our married life blog
You didn't mention Thanksgiving so maybe you have that worked out.
For Christmas, I might say Christmas eve or Christmas day? You call one day with your family, we get the other day with my family. Let him make the first call so it becomes his decision. Then next year you could alternate. That still gives you Christmas morning to yourselves at home (or with parents coming for breakfast) every year.