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What would/will you do differently next time?
What would/will you do differently next time to help maintain a healthy relationship?
I think part of my problem with my marriage last time was that I resented losing some of my independence. I resented sharing ALL of my space with someone (we lived mostly in one-bedroom apartments). Now, I regret not keeping up with some of my solo activities. It was always such a treat (and sometimes a relief) to get out by myself for a day or most of a day and just do my own thing. Even if it was nothing special, like just shopping or doing some errands. I felt most like myself then.
Next Time: I think I might consider suggesting separate bedrooms the next time I get serious/move in with a boyfriend. Even if we sleep in the same room/bed most of the time, I think I would like having the option to have my own space when I wanted it. I would probably put my desk in there, too. Hey, if men can have "man caves," why can't women have woman caves?
And I have actually read that this can lead to healthier relationships for people with more independent natures. Not feeling smothered, taken over, etc.
So, what would you like to try to do differently? Could be related to living situation, habits, communication patterns, money, routines...
Re: What would/will you do differently next time?
Oh, you know, pretty much EVERYTHING.
-won't ignore red flags
-listen to family and friends, if they hate him that's a no go
-I wouldn't make excuses or enable bad behavior
-know that someone needs to enhance my life, otherwise they do not belong in it
-listen to my gut feeling about someone and don't let them talk me out of it
-not think that attraction and sexual chemistry are the only things that matter
-be with someone who I can communicate with
-be friends before anything else
Basically, not SETTLE as I did the first time.
I'm going to ask the tough questions. With XH, there were things I knew I didn't want to hear the answers to during our dating/engagement and I just chose to turn a blind eye. After all, if I didn't hear it for myself, then it must not be true, right? Looking back, these things eventually came out about him and had I heard the truth before we got married, there probably wouldn't have been a wedding.
I bought 1,000 Questions for Couples (e-book) and the BF has already gotten on board with going through all the questions together. Some are basic (What's your favorite meal?) and some are way more thought provoking. It'll take us a while to get through all of them, but I don't want to leave any rock unturned. It's definitely putting me outside of my comfort zone to ask (and answer) some of the questions, but I think it's key to getting to truly know someone.
Another thing I'm going to do differently the second time around is always make time for romance. XH and I were roommates by the end of our marriage and it was because we both got too comfortable in our relationship to show the other how much (if at all) we appreciated them. I took on the role of being a mother instead of a wife. While I'm still a mother and that will always be my priority, that doesn't mean I'll let it define who I am in a relationship/marriage. I realize now that even good relationships take work -- and I'm never going to let BF feel like I don't appreciate him. It can be something small or big, but each day he'll know how much he means to me.
I like all of your ideas and I feel like they apply to my situation as well. The Questions for Couples is something I've thought would be a good idea (when the time is right), too.
This is tough. My counselor and the two counselors he saw (didn't like the first one, so chose a new one) all said I wasn't the issue. Every suggestion they made I had already tried. So I guess I'll just pick a better man lol which I've already done.
The other is not be 21 when I get married, but I kind of can't do that again.
It's a really good book. My ex h and I went through it before we got married and it opened up a lot of discussion points that we hadn't thought of
Keeping up with hobbies, and my own friends.
Having my own space, I also think that is important! My ex had his own room to himself when we were together, in ALL THREE places we lived together. I never had my own space.
Definitely learning to communicate better. I am so terrible at it. really something I should get started on... like, now.
-not ignore red flags
-be with someone who has no history or family history of mental illness
-be with someone who is truly driven and does not blame their shortcomings on everyone else
-dont rush it
-fight fairly
-im sure there are a WHOLE bunch of other things I am forgetting...
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
- keep my own hobbies
- discuss money matters openly
- listen to my gut
-Find someone who does't have substance abuse problem/depression issues
-Not ignore red flags (no friends, no relationships with family members)
-Realize that having traditional views of a marriage doesn't mean that I deserve to be treated like a maid/slave
-Have my own interests and not to sacrifice my life for someone else's dreams
- Respect myself - I settled. It didn't feel like settling at the time because I didn't let myself see the bad sides, I brushed it all off. I deserve better. Next time, I will have better.
- Keep some romance - XH and I were roommates.
-Loosen up on some things. I realize I was kind of a b!tch when it came to certain interests XH wanted to pursue and he liked OW because she loved those interests, too. I look back now asking myself why I cared so much and was so uptight about things.
-Stand up for myself more. Not given in simply because it's just easier or SO wore me down to a point where I felt like that was my only choice.
-I agree with the "less like roomates" and adding more romance. I totally got into that mode and realize that it's easy for me to be "comfortable" and live like roomates. It will be difficult for me to be the romance creator, etc. but I realize now how important that is.
-Not be so scared to try new things or step outside of my comfort zone a bit.
-make more of an effort to force myself to communicate when I'm not happy with something, rather than quietly deal with it.
This goes for me, too. I wasn't necessarily a hobby-squasher, but I can be bossy and controlling, and I think I would have enjoyed the things we did together more if I hadn't been so anal-retentive about stuff.
This also relates in a strange way to my desire to have my own space. I spent a lot of time stressed about keeping the house a certain way, and letting myself get worked up when XH didn't see the need to help me with that, etc., and I think if I had a space that was all mine that I could keep exactly the way I wanted, I wouldn't be thrown into such a crazy spiral if the other parts of the house were a little more, uh, "relaxed."
A lot of my issues have to do with living in the same space as someone, ha. I have a hard time with that, apparently.
Next time I will know my worth. I took so much abuse from my XH instead of standing up for myself. I also want someone who can openly talk about money without sounding like a child trying to handle an allowance. I really think communication is very important. If you have communication then I think you can work through just about anything. I'm very guilty about letting the romance fall out of my marriage. XH was partly to blame for that because he made it no longer fun for me which created resentment.
Good question!
I agree with keeping hobbies and friendships. I kind of lost my identity when I got married. I enjoy having very solid friendships now and things that I regularly like to do.
Also, I will make a way bigger effort to communicate my feelings even if it is uncomfortable. There were too many times I kept my mouth shut and that just turned into resentment.
I won't "settle."
I will communicate better.
I won't marry a Mama's boy.
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
I will not be what I think he wants and just be myself.
Even though he's not my X yet..
- find someone who doesn't have a substance abuse problem.
- find someone who is passionate about travel, animals, family, friends as I am
- find someone who doesn't dismiss me when I have a goal in mind or have an idea about something.
- I will not ignore the red flags
- I would listen to my gut
- someone who can communicate without getting defensive or constantly in attack mode.
and I'm sure there are many more...
Next time I'll spend more time dating, including living together to make sure I really know my SO. Also, I won't get serious with someone who never disagrees with me and/or won't communicate needs, concerns or issues or doesn't care about my needs, concerns and issues.
Not get married? Have him screened for mental disordesrs? Mandatory polygraph?I honestly don't know.
I guess I'm a special snowflake since I did everything right and still got screwed. I'm resigned to being alone for the rest of my life.
There are many things I want to do differently. Part of which comes from the fact that I really didn't know myself when I made my commitment before.
-Truly know myself and be comfortable with me, therefore not trying to be something I'm not
-Listen to my instinct, its usually there for a reason
-Take the relationship SLOW. I've never done this and may be the biggest problem in the past.
-Make sure he has a life aside from me. I can't be the center of his universe.
I'm sure I'm missing a whole lot...but that's all I can think of right now.
- I won't ignore red flags
- I will not sacrifice my career/current life for anyone
- be more assertive (working on it with my therapist)
- pick a man that knows how to blame himself if he fails instead of me/the universe
I will make my SO a priority in my life so that we don't grow apart.
I will realize that there has to be a good bit of physical attraction there!
I will also try to figure out if he's actually telling me the truth about major issues, like whether he wants kids or not, or just what I want to hear.
I haven't read all of the responses yet, but this is a good thread topic. I've only recently been able to understand where I went wrong in this relationship, and I'm working on myself to make sure I'm not repeating the same patterns in the future.
Things I will do differently:
1. Not sacrifice my own wants/needs for somebody else.
2. Do what I believe to be best for myself.
3. Find a partner that respects and values me as a partner as well.
Exactly what I did...
- Listen to my gut for sure.
- Only be with someone I can communicate with as my X and I never could.
- Be with someone more responsible with their money and can hold a job.
- Be with someone that wants to have children and be a part of DDs life.
- Be with a man that I am sexually attracted to as I was never with my X.
- Be with a man that my children can look up to as a "hero" and not someone that doesn't want to try and do anything with his life...
- Have someone who respects me and my family and also his own!! (my ex threatened to kill his brother and hated his family...he had serious issues...)
Okay mine is starting to sound like a "Man Wish-list"! Oops
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Wow this would be my EXACT list!