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Newly wedded to family that can't let go (LONG RANT)
I've just found a therapist I'm going to begin meetings with in the next couple weeks because I'm terrified these issues are going to really hurt our new little family (DH, me, our pup).
DH and I have gone through a lot together--personal emotional things IL's don't know about, a terrible emotionally drawn out divorce of my parents and selling of my childhood home, renovation/addition of DH and my current home, and much more.
Starting as soon as we moved up to DH's family's town (1 1/2 hours from my family/friends) my IL's were BAM right in the middle of our lives-literally. They were all waiting in the house as we drove up with my furniture to unload ready to stand around and eat while my brother, father, DH, and I lugged furniture into the new home. I was in tears the entire drive up, the LAST thing I wanted was to socialize let alone work hard while OTHERS socialized and watched...in our new home.
The next couple weeks=me running away from "my" new home. FIL, MIL, construction workers, etc. were all coming over starting at 7am nonstop. No phone call ahead, nothing. FIL would talk to all these workers and never relay a detail to me. After 2-3 weeks of gritting my teeth in what should have been a happy time, DH (FI at the time) spoke to his parents. They slowed down but still wouldn't. leave. us. alone. They don't randomly pop in anymore (a year later) but FIL still doesn't seem to understand this is OUR home for us to work on ourselves to do as we choose and unless we ask for help-we don't want unsolicited aid like hacking up our plants because you don't like them. Through all of this I've been nothing but polite yet honest.
Christmas 2010. DH and I moved in October-house still is in pieces with renovations-and we're hosting Christmas dinner of 18 people (2 being my mom and brother). I get into the holiday spirit, decorate, clean, plan the menu, and so on, and I come home to my MIL scrubbing the dining room floor. She later comes over and COMPLETELY messes up our basement I had earlier organized to set up a play area for the kids. They didn't play in the basement and it is still in the same shambles to this day because I refuse to clean it up-it's now DH's domain (it's all his tools/equipment, paint, etc.). Christmas rolls around and I work by butt off to make a really nice Christmas dinner. Everyone enjoys it, SIL, my mom, and I are left to clean everything up, and FIL/MIL hang around watching TV for an hour after everyone leaves on our Christmas night until 9:30/10PM. We also spent Christmas Eve at their house (their tradition to do personal immediate family gifts then) so I'm feeling overwhelmed and a bit resentful at this point that I haven't seen my father/that whole side of my family or anyone else from my Mom's side of the family and my Mom and brother felt like outcasts because hardly anyone included them in conversation. Needless to say we're doing Christmas differently this year.
Summertime. FI's family holds something on every.single.holiday. No joke. Even Memorial Day, of course 4th of July, and Labor Day. 4th of July is my Dad's birthday and my birthday falls over Labor day. Then there's church stuff they do sprinkled in that we're expected to attend (we aren't religious or attend the church) and we didn't do any this year because it was my dad's 60th, we spent my 22nd last year at DH's nephews bday party, we had other social plans on the other dates with our friends. Apparently this bothers IL's terribly because the weekend before our wedding when I needed my DH for support BIL sent DH a text stating that "dad would like you to be at (the church function) at 10:30". Your son is grown up and getting married. Quit telling him where to be at what time as if nothing has changed in his life ie a soon-to-be wife. (Am I overreacting?) We're trying to make our OWN LIFE with our own new little family and I'm sorry but that may mean we don't see the family all the darn time just like we don't see my family hardly ever b/c my family gives us space to do our own thing.
Rehearsal dinner. IL's hosted a nice rehearsal dinner for our wedding of about 28 people. 2/3 of which was DH's family and god mother's (which is very nice it's large 
.) FIL wouldn't say hello or acknowledge me unless I went up to him. Same with BIL. I haven't done anything to offend them that I can think of. Maybe I was brought up differently but it's not very warm and inviting to a family when you act like that? I focused on our friends over the dinner and didn't let it bother me but looking back it's really aggravating.
Wedding. My parents hosted the entire thing which was 60% MIL's friends/DH's family, 25% our friends, and 15% my family with none of my parents friends included. My parents don't believe a wedding should be about their friends rather ours but were gracious because MIL HAD to have these people there (she was their birth coach, she was in her wedding, they're old friends from preschool, etc). Fine. Well MIL and FIL never spoke to my parents and actually looked sad at their table. My mom went up to MIL 3 times and it always pittered out. Neither of them thanked my parents nor did they call them after the wedding to say it was nice. My mom called MIL 4 days later just to reach out an olive branch and say she was happy/excited about the marriage. Then, a few days ago DH and I were visiting with FIL and he was talking as if he paid for the wedding. "Well if there was a platter of the food left over I'd be upset if they threw it out, we'd take it home to freeze. 5 meals isn't so bad." YEAH because you didn't pay for it or you would know those 5 meals=$600!!!! And NO you wouldn't be taking the platter home to freeze MY PARENTS WOULD.
Finally, I spent about 6 hours with SIL last week to help her paint which was absolutely wonderful. I love her and I'm so grateful she's in the family. BIL got home from work eventually, of course, and was his normal rude self. I guess he didn't like my paint job b/c he commented on how they should all look different (I'm not creative to say the least). And he goes on to ask "Does (husbands name) need more trees for his house?". DH and I have planted 20 evergreen trees TOGETHER at OUR home. We drove to Loews/Home Depot together, bought them together, and planted them together. BIL does this all the time though-all of OUR property is my husbands in his mind and I'm terrified I'll eventually snap at him to get over his male shovanistic ways.
I think the whole point is that DH and I are young newlyweds and we want to HAVE FUN while we're young before kids. We want to do our home improvement projects together so we can say we did it-not "FIL put that tree in" and so we make the decisions together, not DH and FIL. DH fully agrees but I think the IL's are resenting ME because they don't see my husband allll.the.time now. I don't keep him away-I encourage him to plan a fishing trip with his dad and brother and to go visit when he wants to. Our life is just so busy that we can't fit time in for ourselves alone + a social life + establishing ourselves in our community AND seeing the in laws every weekend for lengthy visits. BIL/SIL focus 100% on family and are happy doing that but have very few friends b/c of it and I refuse to neglect that part of my life and DH agrees. Not to mention we are our new family.
/End rant. I was in desperate need to vent and don't have anyone healthy to do so with at this point. Any words of advice are welcome or if I'm seeing something irrationally let me know.
Re: Newly wedded to family that can't let go (LONG RANT)
I didn't read the whole thing, but how are your in-laws getting into your home when you aren't there? What did your husband say to them when they destroyed your plants? Why were the construction workers discussing their work with someone other than the homeowner? Why did you choose to move to the same town as your in-laws?
Again, I didn't read the whole thing, but I'm guessing everyone in this situation needs to stop worrying about being polite and just tell the in-laws "no".
I'm guessing this is not a NEW problem. That you knew about his family's intrusive/smothering habits BEFORE you married the man?
Have you said anything to anyone about how you are feeling smothered? Venting here is great (and I'm glad you feel a little bit better) but we can't actually FIX any of this for you. You need to pipe up to your husband about needing some space IN YOUR OWN HOME away from family members.
They should NOT have carte blanche to come waltzing through your house anytime they please without so much as a phone call. That is a lack of courtesy & respect for your privacy on their part. You should be able to walk around naked in your house, & behave like fool newlyweds in your house without worrying if MIL is going to show up, FFS.
If your husband agrees with how you are feeling then he needs to strap a two by four to his spine. He needs to talk to his family about their intrusions and set boundaries now before its too late. As desperate as you are feeling now that desperation will turn to resentment. Your marriage will implode if they keep butting in on it.
Nip this in the bud now otherwise it will really come back to bite you in the butt. Good luck and stick to your guns! His family will just have to adjust!
My guess is not a damn thing. Until your husband sees his family as intruding as you do and actually does something about it, nothing will change.
And YOU need to stop being so enabling. I only skimmed most of this, but the wedding - why the hell did your parents go along with the inlaws' guest list? Why do YOU let these people treat your house as their own?
My thoughts exactly. Why is everyone letting the IL's do this? why is your husband not saying no?
Dude. JUST SAY NO. It is not that freaking hard.
They can "expect" you to attend their functions or to be allowed in your home anytime they want, but they aren't entitled to those things. Just say, "Sorry, now is not a good time" and then don't go over their home or don't let them into yours. It sounds like they're just trying to help, so I would ease up a bit on your anger, but if you don't feel like having help at that point just say, "No thanks, we've got it covered, we'll see you next Sunday for dinner!" and then end the conversation.
They have two choices on how to handle it when you guys say that you can't spend time together right now. They can be nice to you and respectful of your time and so you'll see them once in a while when it's convenient for you ... or they can throw a fit about it and not see you at all. Their choice. Either way, it is not. your. problem. how they react. You can only control your own actions, not anyone else's.
If your H keeps telling them despite your objections to come over or that you guys will attend their family functions, then your problem is with HIM, not them. He needs to be on the same page as you. You say he's talked to them about this, but clearly it wasn't too effective. Especially if he never followed through by saying no to them.
Have you ever told your husband that you spend too much time with them, or that you're frustrated that he keeps agreeing to see them even though you've said that it's too much? Have your ever told your in-laws that, while you appreciate your help, you would prefer that they not do construction work on your home or reorganize your basement without your consent? Have you ever addressed any of these problems, or have you just agreed to all of their wishes and then just stewed inwardly about it? People can't read your mind, you know. You have to actually SAY something, and then you need to follow through with it (not open the door for the in-laws if they show up, ask the in-laws to leave if they keep messing with your stuff, taken some time apart from your husband if he won't listen to you when you're upset, etc.).
Your problem here is not the in-laws. Your problem here is that you and your husband are entirely too wishy-washy.
If they had a key, what do you expect?
Bottom line: If they are as invasive as you say they are, cut them off for good. And before you do so, you and he let them know what the story is.
Maybe they need to hit rock bottom and have that kind of a wake up call to cut it out.
I am sure they are not bad people -- what is bad is that they don't respect your wishes and his. GL>
They do this because you let them. So stop.
You can say no to things you are invited to. You can ask them to respect your space or they will not be invited over again. Take some control.
Lurker, sorry.
This part struck me as very odd. You're an adult, why is the sale of your childhood home an emotional tragedy for you? I don't think that the addition of your husband and getting married should be a traumatic or over emotional event, and why in the world were you in tears the entire drive up to your new house with your husband? That sounds crazy to me, I'm assuming you wanted to get married and live with your husband, no? I think that most people would be excited about that part.
As for your inlaws being in your house to welcome you when you arrived, I think that is actually quite sweet. Although, I have a feeling that if you drove up and they weren't there you would have been upset about that as well.
The problem isn't the inlaws, it's your husband and how he deals with his parents. The ladies on here who remember me will know full well that I am hardly a source of great info or experience in setting boundaries with family - hell, I've been living overseas for all but two years of my adult life and can't deal with my own mother without the aid of an ocean. But to me, I don't think your inlaws are really the problem here. They've probably been like this with their son his entire life, why would they change now? They're trying to take care of you guys, and some of what they are doing is rather sweet.
(but this is coming from someone who wishes she had some sort of family near by. Just not the BSC ones).
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Ditto. I get that you want private time with your husband, and (believe me) I get that having his family around all the time can be draining, but you just sound like an emotional basketcase in general. I think you'd feel a lot better if you took a breath and realized that they're just trying to be nice and welcome you into the family.
Rather than cry about all these things, you need to actually DO something about it. It really does sound like you expect them to read your mind and know that this kind of thing doesn't make you happy. It doesn't make you a bad person to politely say, "I don't think we're up for a visit this weekend. How about we all have dinner together next weekend?" Even if they're on your doorstep and if you have to shut the door behind you. Smile, be polite, say you can't make it, and that's it. No apologies, no explanations, nothing. Make your statement and stand behind it. Repeat as often as necessary, "That won't work for us. [Alternate date/event] would work better." It does not make you a biitch or a bad family member to turn something down every once in a while. Do it often enough and they'll learn.
And you probably don't have to cut them out of your life, because it really sounds like they're not bad people. It just sounds like they're a very tight-knit family and they're used to spending a lot of time together and doing things for each other. You and your H should definitely have your alone time, but I also think you need to throw them a bone and hang out with them once in a while. You're fortunate to have a big family who wants to spend time with you.
I didn't read your whole post, but I got to the paragraph about your wedding.
You're going to get a lot of "you don't have an IL problem, you have an H problem." That may be partially true, but what I think is really going on here is that ALL of you -- you, DH, his parents, even your parents -- are learning how to deal with the culture clash of two families and the changes to boundaries that are caused when two people leave their parents and get become their own family.
Nothing that his family is doing sounds SUPER mean or terrible. In fact, it sounds like they're trying to be helpful. Some of what you're experiencing is the normal "family culture clash" that every couple has to deal with early on. For instance, you seem resentful that his family came over for Christmas dinner but didn't offer to help clean up. I hear you. But that's just the way it's done in some families. In my own family, everyone was expected to at least offer to pitch in. In DH's family, the host family of a gathering does everything. When you're a guest, you kick back and relax. We divide the holidays up so that no household has to host every time. I was confused by this at first, but after a while, I got used to it. Now I kind of appreciate it. I host Christmas Eve. DH and I work like dogs for that occasion, pulling out all the stops. But on Thanksgiving, Easter, etc., I bring a dish and plop it on the counter and enjoy myself the rest of the day.
Here's my advice:
1. Get on the same page with DH about what boundaries are acceptable, then kindly but assertively express those boundaries to your ILs. Then ENFORCE them!
2. Repeat to yourself: just because they do things differently doesn't mean they do things wrong. My family's way is not the only right way.
3. Unless they're being actively mean or seeking to break boundaries you've already laid down, don't take everything so personally.
I have to discect some of this.
They were all waiting in the house as we drove up with my furniture to unload ready to stand around and eat while my brother, father, DH, and I lugged furniture into the new home. I was in tears the entire drive up, the LAST thing I wanted was to socialize let alone work hard while OTHERS socialized and watched...in our new home.
A - how did they know you'd be there?
B- how did they get IN the house?
C - as you were in tears on the way up, you knew this was going to happen. Why? And why didn't you tell DH "no"?
FIL would talk to all these workers and never relay a detail to me.
Why didn't you or DH tell the workers "We're the homeowners- please talk to us instead of him"? Somewhere in this FIL felt it was his role and probably felt he was helping. And you and DH did NOTHING to stop this.
After 2-3 weeks of gritting my teeth in what should have been a happy time, DH (FI at the time) spoke to his parents. They slowed down but still wouldn't. leave. us. alone.
So why isn't DH following up?
She later comes over and COMPLETELY messes up our basement I had earlier organized to set up a play area for the kids. They didn't play in the basement and it is still in the same shambles to this day because I refuse to clean it up-it's now DH's domain (it's all his tools/equipment, paint, etc.).
So to prove some point, you haven't dealt w/ your basement in almost a year? Really?
Everyone enjoys it, SIL, my mom, and I are left to clean everything up, and FIL/MIL hang around watching TV for an hour after everyone leaves on our Christmas night until 9:30/10PM.
Some people would argue (me being one of them) that you don't invite guests over and expect them to clean up. Yes, an offer would be nice. But really... they shouldn't be expected to help clean up. And while your pissed at your IL's for not helping, why aren't you pissed at your DH? He didn't help either.....
We also spent Christmas Eve at their house (their tradition to do personal immediate family gifts then) so I'm feeling overwhelmed and a bit resentful at this point that I haven't seen my father/that whole side of my family or anyone else from my Mom's side of the family
You and DH made the choice to spend your time like this. They didn't put a gun to your head. If you didn't see your father's side, that's on you and DH. Not on his parents.
FI's family holds something on every.single.holiday. No joke. Even Memorial Day, of course 4th of July, and Labor Day. 4th of July is my Dad's birthday and my birthday falls over Labor day. Then there's church stuff they do sprinkled in that we're expected to attend
BIL sent DH a text stating that "dad would like you to be at (the church function) at 10:30". Your son is grown up and getting married. Quit telling him where to be at what time as if nothing has changed in his life ie a soon-to-be wife. (Am I overreacting?)
All of this? Wow, how powerful the word "no" is. you and DH can say "sorry, we can't attend".
FIL wouldn't say hello or acknowledge me unless I went up to him. Same with BIL.
I focused on our friends over the dinner and didn't let it bother me but looking back it's really aggravating.
I don't really understand this. Someone at some point had to "go up" to someone - right? So why were you waiting/expecting for them to come to you? Maybe they, just like you, were focusing on their friends too....????
My parents hosted the entire thing which was 60% MIL's friends/DH's family, 25% our friends, and 15% my family with none of my parents friends included.
You already know the answer to this- you all could have said "no" to MIL's guest list.
And he goes on to ask "Does (husbands name) need more trees for his house?". DH and I have planted 20 evergreen trees TOGETHER at OUR home.
Yes, I can see why this is annoying. But at the same time, it's not a big deal. But I think you're at the point where you're going to find fault in everything they do, no matter how small.
I think the whole point is that DH and I are young newlyweds and we want to HAVE FUN while we're young before kids. We want to do our home improvement projects together so we can say we did it-not "FIL put that tree in" and so we make the decisions together, not DH and FIL.
So then do it.
DH fully agrees
I still wonder what this really means.
I don't keep him away-I encourage him to plan a fishing trip with his dad and brother and to go visit when he wants to.
So while you're SOOOO frustrated w/ the amount of time y ou spend w/ the IL's, you turn around and then encourage your DH to spend even MORE time with them....???? This makes me wonder how much you're actually TALKING to your DH about all these issues. In the end, he actually can't "fix" anything if he doesn't know it's broken. Do you talk to him about it? Does he understand how upset you are? Does he understand you want more time for your family, for the two of you, etc? Or are you expecting him to just magically know taht this is all a problem?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
you already got great advice from PPs but I have to add something else. you seem to be really nitpicking for things to complain about. of course it's your house-if the jerk bil says 'his' house who gives a sh!t? you said yourself he's a jerk. yet here you are posting about how they didn't call your parents, how it wasmore their friends etc... (which you could've done something about BEFORE the wedding by the way), and this and that. you seem to be so hell bent on having them be sure to include you in every one of their statements. at 23 this might just be an age thing-you're still very young. you know you're married, dh knows it (even if he's done nothing to keep his family in check) and you know it's your house. are you really going to waste your precious time an energy looking for and pointing out every time they say 'his' house instead of 'your' house?
and your DH needs to put his big boy pants on already.
I think you are getting way too caught up in semantics. We just bought our first house and I had to similarily draw the line. DH's whole family would come over, and I'd be stuck feeding 10 or 12 extra people while they went outside and worked on things that I wanted to help with.
I had to say "hey, DH, I love your family and appreciate them very much. BUT I need some time alone. We need to spend some time together."
They are excited for you.
As for the holidays, my mom doesn't clean up. Ever. Not even when she hosts. Most of the time, my MIL washes all the dishes while the rest of us visit.
I think you sound majorly immature.
Holy Moses! I had to go hug my husband before I could respond. Read my words, Reread them, memorize them, then go forth and do!
Go to Lowe's and get new locks for your home, get a copy of the key that says "do not duplicate" and give that copy to your DH.
Explain to him that if he refuses to deal his intrusive family and protect your home (what should be your safe haven from family) that you will.
You have a responsibility to yourself, to take care of yourself. You have a responsibility to your marriage to take care and protect it and each other. I am very happy that you're going to see someone about this TAKE DH WITH YOU! I wish you all the luck in the world, but you 2 need to work somethings out together and 1 of those things is marital boundaries and another is family boundaries.
I'm now wondering if the in-laws are paying for the contractors, or even the down payment on the house.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Good Lord that was long.
#1. Let most of this go. Hanging on to resentment over social events (even Christmas and your wedding) serves NO PURPOSE. Wash your hands of it. It is water under the bridge, there is nothing you can do to change what has happened in the past.
#2. You and your DH need to have a nice chat about limits. In particular imits to how much time you spend with his family.
#3. You are not married to your brother in law. He can be as big a jerk as he wants to be. Your job is to ignore the douchey things he says, smile and nod and carry on.
#4. I know you don't feel it, but you are young. It's true. So therapy is a great idea, you will need a mature sounding board to keep things in perspective.
Since we were living 2 counties away during the renovations we were only able to be here on the weekends and after work during the week so FIL oversaw the work. The ILs have a key to the house for emergencies and the last time they've abused that was about a month ago dropping a book off when we weren't home. I flipped because my ob-gyn lab results (nothing bad but not what I was FIL looking at) were sitting out on the island in the kitchen where the book was laid. DH spoke to his parents after that and made it clear it's not acceptable to come into the house unless we ask them to when we're gone. That whole mess is a blur with them because they're practically co-raising their grandkids and BIL's whole family in a slew of ways so it's "normal" for them to do that at their house.
The plants FIL hacked up were outside. They seem to understand now that we don't want them coming into the home to do as they please (they do mean to be helping with improvements we just don't want help on) but FIL still thinks it's okay to do stuff on the property as long as it's outside.
DH has been wonderful with everything. He's offered to talk to BIL about the "pronoun thing" as he calls it-phrasing everything as DH's and not mine-but I've been resistant. I do think it's necessary now though b/c I don't want this becoming a habit especially when we have kids. I just don't know why they aren't understanding we need space to create OUR family.
Oh boy. You can't have it both ways. either you want your FIL's help or you don't. Which is it? He gave up his time to come to your house and oversee everything because you couldn't be there, but once you moved in - you seem annoyed by his presence and annoyed that he made any decisions for you.
Hmmm.... I'd LOVE to hear his side of the story, to be honest. And if you showed any genuine appreciation for his help.
If he had just walked away when you moved in, I can guarentee you dollars to donuts there would have been issues and questions and people coming to you that you'd have no idea what the answers were and you'd be running to FIL to ask. And you'd be pissed that he wasn't there.
I have no question about that in my mind....
As you mention the 'pro-noun' thing again, I'm going to give you a piece of advice that I learned myself very directly. Be careful about being the "little girl who cried wolf". You seem to have problems w/ everything your DH's family does. You have to seperate out what the real issues are vs what isn't important.
If you don't, and if you continue to complain to your DH about everything his family does, there will come a time where he throws his hands up and says "what can they do right? Anything?" and he's going to stop caring. Seriously- he will. And then when something big happens that you really need his support on - he's not going to give it to you because he's going to just simply be tired of his family always being wrong.
You've got to step back and start putting some of this into perspective.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thanks for all your input! We are young. I do see some things immaturely still and that's why everythings been difficult. To specify-I was a basket case moving up. I was 21, went from school/living in an apartment to 24/7 renovating a house and moving "far" away. My family was breaking up and my brother was joining the military and I was going on lack of sleep + cleaning/packing for two houses.
About the house-no, IL's did not pay for anything. It was nice having FIL help out and we did appreciate it-he acted as General Contractor which is why he was here all the time. They just had a tough time backing off once we moved up and abused the key a few times.
My issue now, why I haven't spoken up, is because I'm horrible at being assertive if it's personal between family or friends. I'm being firm now but I'm terrified of stepping over the line to rude and I don't want to be the "rude ungrateful DIL". I'm trying to work everything out very amicably with minimal confrontation to avoid awkwardness.
I do think there's resentment unjustly placed on everything because I feel like their family has been shoved down my throat at the same time my family was broken/healing. That's also why I haven't said anything personally. I like to analyze something before I react in this case since they're pretty important relationships.
We don't do everything that's presented to us. We didn't go to 4th of july, labor day, or the church things this year. I always get the cold shoulder later though which is what upsets me.
You seem to have missed the big lesson:
say it with me, "NO"
Your husband needs to take that key back and if you feel that someone needs a key, ice, leave it with the neighbors (if you trust them).
You need to grow a vagina. Seriously, are you going to let them tell you how to parent? (that's assuming you want kids). You need to learn to say, "NO" and set some damn boundaries child. stop defending your husband. Pp said it best, he needs to strap a 2x4 to his spine. On a nicer note: you may need to be his spine until he grows one. Some people need the support of others to do something that is hard for them. Like I said earlier, if he won't do it-then you need to.
Ditto all of this.
Honestly, it's really ungrateful of you to ask them for help and then get annoyed when they - you know - HELP. If you don't want help then that's absolutely fine, but in that case you need to say "No thanks" to EVERYTHING. Not, "It's O.K. for you to watch the contractors but it's unacceptable to go into our house."
Dropping off a book is not a big deal, not by a long shot. It's not like he went through your underwear drawer, right? He just dropped off the book and left? If you've given the in-laws access to your house when you're not home by giving them a key, then put away anything you don't want them to see. Otherwise, change the locks and don't give anyone a new key.
As far as FIL referring to it as your husband's house, I think it really depends on the context. If you tell the contractor something and FIL says, "This is my son's house so ask him for his opinion," then you have a problem (and your H needs to set him straight and say, "No, it's my AND Wife's house and WE make the decisions together"). If he says to a friend, "I'm going to my son's house for lunch tomorrow" then you need to chill out because that's not a big deal. It depends on whether he's undermining your ownership of the house or just simply referring to it as where his son lives, know what I mean?
You're really sending mixed messages here, and like EastCoast said I think you're just looking for things to nitpick at this point because you want to be angry at them for some reason. It's fine to want your space, it's fine to not want them to make decisions regarding your home ... but you can't give them access to all this stuff (by giving them a key, letting them come over whenever they want, asking for help with getting the house in order, etc.) and then start crying when they show up.
Talk to your husband, figure out some boundaries, learn to compromise on some issues, appreciate the fact that they're trying to help you out, and then STICK to those decisions.
I completely agree with what you're saying. I avoid venting every little frustration to DH for this reason--which is why I'm going to go to a therapist. They are his family and I understand that...I would start resenting my husband if he always had issues with my family.
The last time this came up was last week after visiting with SIL. The main reason I said something though was because I found out BIL has been locking his 5 yo lab in her crate upstairs 24 hrs a day b/c he hasn't gotten her her shots and doesn't seem to be worried about any of it. He also made a joke about wanting to bring a shotgun to our house as if to shoot my dog because she barks a lot. IMO that behavior IS serious. I don't drab on about the "trivial" annoyances to DH.
So what? Who the hell cares if they get pissy? That's not your problem. Smile and be nice to them and they'll have no legitimate reason to dislike you. If they choose to hold a grudge then that's their decision, and you and your H will just spend LESS time around them.
This happened to me as well. Relatives were always used to me and MH accepting every invitation. Then one time we had to refuse because we had another obligation, and you would've thought the world ended. We said nothing about it, we went to a few other events, then had to refuse another one because we just weren't up to going. Still got a cold shoulder, but not as much. Then it happened again a while later and now it's not a big deal. They need to learn that you guys have a life, and also that an invitation is not a subpoena ... people are allowed to turn down an invitation. They can't take it personally. You have shiit to do.
Also, why are YOU getting the cold shoulder? What about your husband? If you guys are both getting the cold shoulder then you need to just shrug it off ... if you stay consistent (accept some invites, refuse others and always be polite about it), they will learn to deal with it.
But if they treat your H nicely and you poorly after you guys decline an invitation, then your H needs to step up and say, "We decided together that we could not attend. It is not Wife's fault so stop blaming her. We're a unit and we should both be treated the same."
Are you the one who always takes their phone calls or responds to their e-mails? If so, you need to shift that responsibility to your husband ASAP. If they contact you with an invitation, sweetly say, "Just a second ... Honey! Your mom's on the phone about a picnic next week, why don't you talk to her?" or "Thanks for the invite, MIL! Let me talk to H and he'll call you back later with our schedule. Hope you're well, talk to you soon!" *click*
Do you actually think he'd bring a gun to your house? It sounds like me may have a tasteless sense of humor, but there's a big difference between him being a homicidial maniac versus him just being a jerk.
If you really feel like he'd put you in danger, and if you really feel like the dog is being abused, call the cops. Otherwise, you need to let this roll off your back. If anyone should be saying anything to him it's your H, not you. You need to learn how to ignore him.
The second paragraph - well, you've already told us your going to counseling. Good. I think it may help you. You've been dealing w/ a lot w/ your family, and as much truth as there may be to the issues with his family, they shouldn't have to suffer for YOUR family's problems. Which I think you realize, but realizing it is 1/2 the battle. Need to find a way to effectively deal with it.
Good luck. I'm glad you came back and that you're taking our advice to heart.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
No no noo he wouldn't actually do that, it was a tasteless joke. I'm extremely defensive about my pets though-you don't joke about killing my dog because she barks. I didn't say anything at the time but if he repeats it I won't bite my tongue again.
I didn't say anything to him about his dog because it isn't my business, but I let H know about it because something does need to be done. Every time we're over the dog is locked in the basement or upstairs barking for hours on end, for so long it must be miserable/living in her own mess. BIL says the dog is vicious and bites which may be true but when I met her she was as docile and sweet as any dog I've met. I just don't understand why they've kept the dog and just locked her away rather than finding a home for her that may be better, away from kids with handlers who know how to work with her.
But yes, I'll relax a bit on everything. I do feel much better now being able to vent/talk things through. I really do think everyone is trying to be the best they can and it's just a clash of personalities/cultures and we'll all adjust. Things finally feel settled now that the wedding's over and we can form a solid routine. I'm thinking a bi-weekly visit with a therapist will also be healthy so as irritations arise I can talk through them with an unbiased person and prevent any serious issues. It's just so hard to adjust especially with BIL being old enough to be H's 2nd father. SIL is great but there's no one in the family close to my/our age to better remember/understand where we are in our life.