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Don't want to let go....
Ok, so hi. This is my first post, so sorry in advance, if I am long-winded or if it seems like a mess.
My husband and I, got into a huge argument one month ago, about, what I thought, was the fact that he was 2 hours late for our date night. I found out a week later from a friend (because during this time, he needed space and didn't want to speak to me; we were living under the same roof at the same time), that the fight was instead about trust.
On the day of the fight, I had left work early to go to the bookstore with my husband, and had to check the balance on our account, to make sure we were good. I saw a charge for coffee, that normally totals two beverages, for when I was at work. Figuring that my husband had probably been with his sister, I just brought up, asking about the charge. It was not his sister, but instead with a female friend of ours.
This female friend, that we really became friends with in the past 3 months, had coffee and lunch together. No big deal, right? Well this friend was getting massages from my husband (who is licensed masseur) at our home, on the nights that I work late. And this is what the argument was about.
I had asked him what was going on between them, because he was still giving her massages (for free...) almost every Monday, they were bonding pretty quickly as friends, so my mind instantly went to the worst possible idea.
Now my husband, is a very trustworthy person. I honestly believe in my heart that he didn't do anything at all, but yet I still asked what was going on.
A few weeks prior to the huge fight, I had told him that the massages were making me uncomfortable. He responded with, "You should be able to trust me. You need to be able to deal with it, because I don't think I should have to change my behavior because of your insecurities."
Don't get me wrong, I was upset when he told me that. But I do have some insecurities, with an abusive relationship I had in the past and a very rocky childhood. To which, I am currently seeing a therapist on my own.
After the fight and a 1.5 week of not talking, my husband and I had a huge talk. There was no yelling or name calling, but there was a lot of crying on my part. My husband said that his heart was broken. He was really sad, because he feels that I can't trust him, without thinking that he is doing something. He said in this conversation, that he still loves me, but doesn't feel the warmth for me anymore. And also that he feels that he doesn't or can't see us getting back together. He gave me three options. We could either stay roommates (which I immediately chose because I wanted to try and make things work), legally separate or divorce). But he also wanted me to work out my issues and work on me. To which, I am going to therapy.
Well, it's been 3 weeks since the talk and we are still currently roommates. I've been going to therapy and learning to become more independent. Until I fell apart last night.
My really good guy friend that I've known for 16 years, and that my husband is good friends with, texted my husband and asked how things were going between him and I. My husband said that, "I feel the same. Sh*t's over." Once my friend found this out, he asked if he was going to start seeing other people. My husband said, "It'll be a little a bit before the divorce. Dating is the last thing on my mind."
It's good to know that he doesn't want to start dating, but he has yet to tell me, that everything is over. It just feels like he is giving up without even trying. I thought that when you get married, you have to deal with the hard parts together?
I don't want to give up on this marriage. I asked my therapist if she would be willing to call him and talk to him, at least over the phone. She agreed and I even asked my husband and he said he was ok with that.
Even if we do end up getting divorce, I at least want to try working through the problems, instead of just throwing in the towel.
What can I do to save this marriage?
Re: Don't want to let go....
Why would you want to be with someone so obviously manipulative?
You had an argument over his weird behavior with your female friend and his answer was to tell you to get over your insecurities and make you see a therapist by yourself?
And he tells his friend (and your friend too, no less!) before he tells you that he is wanting a divorce?
WTF? This guy is lame. Is your self-esteem that low that you think you need to stay with this guy? He's no catch, honey.
What are you trying to save here?
Free Monday massages? Inappropriate, and he is putting blame on you for being insecure. Lunch and coffee without letting you know. Inappropriate. If this was an old friend that would be different, but this girl is new to the picture, and your H wants to bone her (or has already).
Don't wait around for him to tell you it's over. Talk to him. I understand wanting to try, I really do. It's good that he is willing to go to counseling with you. You should find a separate marriage counselor to see together to decide if you really want to save this.
My spidey senses are tingling.
This all just sounds so weird.
Private massages for free? Coffee and a lunch date that he didn't tell you about? Getting SO offended by your questions that he wants A DIVORCE?
Something is rotten here and I really really really don't think it's you.
Did I miss something or are you saying that your husband wants a divorce because you told him you weren't comfortable with him giving free massages to a female friend in your home??
Please tell me I missed something.
Get tested.
You realize that even if there was something to save, you couldn't do it on your own, right? If your H is done, the decision is already made.
He wants a divorce because he feels that I can't trust him. Because there is no trust in the relationship, which is a fundamental of marriage.
You don't trust him because what he was doing was shady! You asked him to stop. You didn't confront him and say he was cheating.
You didn't do anything wrong. Don't you think it's kind of suspicious of him to get so defensive?
If the tables were turned and you were getting a massage every Monday by a male friend and your H asked you to stop, what would your response be?
No, he wants a divorce so he can bang your female friend with no qualms.
Honestly, there isn't anything you can do. You can only save a marriage if both parties want to work at it, and from what he's said, he is done. I'm really sorry.
I've been in your shoes, though I received one option (separation). The impetus for this decision was his affair with another woman, which I had already suspected, but I confirmed it a few months later. I'm the one who filed for divorce.
Keep seeing your therapist, it's really the best thing you can do for yourself. Again, I'm so sorry.
He is manipulating you. Turning the tables saying that YOU can't trust HIM when chances are, he has already slept with her. You're right for not trusting him. Let him go, stay in therapy.
You have reason not to trust him, he was giving free "massages" to a female in your home while you were away--and without your knowledge.
He's making this all about you when it's about both of you. Has HE done anything to show you he wants to work on things? Has he done those things? My guess is no.
Even if he isn't boning the friend who he gives free massages, he evidently checked out of your marriage some time ago......you questioning his behavior, at the very least, forced him out of denial about it - but it's easier for him to blame you for everything then to just man up and admit that he's wanted out for awhile.
Did he tell you about these massages when they happened, or did you find out about them after it had been going on for awhile? Either way, I understand why you would feel uncomfortable with it, and your husband's response when you voiced your discomfort was completely inappropriate. Especially the part about telling YOU to go to therapy and fix yourself, not suggesting that the two of you go to counseling together to work on your marriage.
It's certainly possible that you're completely paranoid and jealous for no reason, but from the way he reacted, I don't think that's the case. That, combined with the way he responded to the friend who asked about dating leads me to believe he was looking for a way out of the relationship that he could blame on you. He sounds like a gaslighter.
For real. I'm sorry OP. You married a douche. He's not invested in you or your marriage. Cut him loose, and ditch the "friend" too.
OP, I'm sorry to say it, but this.
You expressed your concerns about his shady behavior and he responded by not only turning it around on you but by saying he wants a divorce because of it? That's complete and utter BS.
He's already made up his mind. Believe a guy when he says he is no longer interested in being a husband. I'd file and not look back.
You poor thing. He really has you turned around and topsy turvy on all this.
Yes, trust is a huge deal in marriage. But, trust also is contingent upon the behavior of the partner/spouse/SO. He can't throw out the trust card if he's doing things that most individuals would consider suspicious. If he was acting normally and you started snooping through his emails or hiring a PI, I can see how that would upset him. But, he's buying a girl he only recently met coffee and lunch alone, and he's giving her free massages at the house when you're not there! That is shady any way you slice it.
My guess is that he is indeed having an affair, or at least really wanting to start one with this girl, and so you've finally given him a "reason" to call it quits and make you the bad guy instead of him.
There's nothing you can do to save the marriage if he's not willing. I'm sorry. I'd start getting all your ducks in a row financially (get copies of bank accounts, bills, etc and see a divorce attorney).
If he is a trustworthy person then why didn't he tell you about this all beforehand? Did you know all of this was going on or did you have to find out via your bank statements? I'm confused about that part.
Wait wait wait... you bring up (your very vaild IMHO) feelings regarding him giving his services away for free & wining/dining a female friend alone & he tells you that HE is upset with you?! I think he was just looking for a way to cheat and guilted you into accepting the deal. What a douchebag! He wants carte blanche to act like a shady doucher and has the stones to make this about how YOU are insecure? He is acting like a shady fvcker giving you plenty of reason to be suspicious.
This marriage sounds like its over, & while I know that you don't WANT to let go, its probably better that you do. This man is not the man for you or any self-respecting woman. I would continue individual therapy & dump this loser.
I understand that you are upset and hurting but did you read what you typed? Does any of this make sense to you? Does any of it seems fair or right?
You were uncomfortable with how your husband was behaving with this friend and he doesn't even care that his actions hurt you. He turned it all around to make you feel like a crazy person and to make you the bad guy. He didn't accept a bit of responsibility for behaving inappropriately with this friend. You tried to discuss your feelings with him and he stopped speaking to you for over a week. Because of one argument, he completely gave up on you and your marriage
None of this makes a bit of sense unless he's screwing around with someone else.
I think you should kick his ass to the curb and find someone who respects you and treats you well but at the very least, you need to end this roommate situation. As of right now, he has you exactly were he wants you: Desperate to hang on to him, hoping he'll change his mind and most likely doing whatever you can think of to keep him. This is not healthy for you. Your husband is not thinking about your marriage and he sure as hell is not thinking about you. You have to start thinking about yourself, you have to start doing what's best for you because he is not going to do it.
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Not only fishy but it may also border on some type of unethical law --- unless there was a bona fide "come in for a free massage" promo that he had running.
I have to agree with everyone else - - your H wants out, and you can't stop him. Asking your H to stop giving massages to a female friend is NOT "insecure" behavior. In fact, the massages themselves are what are abnormal. My H (of 10 years!) would never go around giving massages to another "friend!"
What is in the deal for him being roommates? Do you pay most of the rent, or is the home yours? If either is true, that's why he is playing you and not talking about divorce. Living with your stbx-W for free or cheap is a lot easier than moving out on your own.
If he's not sleeping with your mutual "friend," it's b/c she backed off, not because he didn't want to.
My XFI threw out the "You don't trust me because you are insecure and crazy and need therapy card." Girl he cheated on me with moved into out apartment when I moved out.
TRUST takes two people. He kept information from you (also called lying by omission) which is NOT a trustworthy thing for him to do. He has to BE trustworthy to BE trusted. Two way street, my dear.
And the reason there is no trust is he was engaging in untrustworthy behavior. That's like running a red light and blaming the person who hit you.
You also mentioned that you potentially have issues due to your history of abuse. While it's important you try to heal, some survivors still have psychological scars. If a survivor is honest with her partner about her condition and her partner decides to stay with her, he needs to accept her condition. Otherwise, it would be like marrying someone in a wheelchair and being upset she can't go jogging.
I am so sorry all of this is happening to you.