New here...need advice! ughh

Audg

I'll try to make this as short as possible. DH and I have been married for almost 7 yrs. Ever since I had my son (4 yrs ago) DH has completely and utterly abandoned me in our marriage. It's as if he can't love 2 people at the same time. We have barely had sex or been any type of intimate in those 4 yrs...in fact sleeps on the couch most nights. I have been begging him, crying to him for the past few yrs to go to marraige counseling, do date nights, etc...anything we can to get ourselves back on track.  He refused counseling everytime I brought it up and never followed through with any plans to do anything with me.  I have alone for so long.  Now, last October my best friend told me that right after we were married he came onto her in my house when I was downstairs!  Her and I are very close and I trust her completely ... the only reason she never told me was because she was afraid it would backfire on her and that she would lose me as a friend. I know she's telling the truth...I never really trusted DH...as I have caught him in many lies.  The thing is, he denies everything!  Never takes any responsibility for anything he does.  So fast forward to a few mos ago when I told him I wanted to separate...well NOW he wants to go to counseling. So I agreed for the sake of our child and tom morn will be our 1st appt.  I am dreading it and quite frankly don't feel anything for him anymore.  Am I wasting my time with therapy? I want out but want to make sure I tried everything I could.  Thanks for reading this...I know its long

achase123

I think counseling is always worth a try, however, my feeling would be, if he'd come onto my BEST friend, what other randoms has he come onto (and succeeded I'm sure).

Audg

achase123:

I think counseling is always worth a try, however, my feeling would be, if he'd come onto my BEST friend, what other randoms has he come onto (and succeeded I'm sure).

And that's EXACTLY what I've said... & he came onto her while she was sleeping all creepylike..and I was HOME in the friggin house!!!  He of course denies it and says she was drunk. He denies everything. I'm figuring counseling will not help, since he is unwilling to admit to anything.... altho even if he did admit it, at this point its too effin late for me to accept any type of "apology" for his behavior.

renegade gaucho

I think at this point, counseling isn't going to save your marriage, although that doesn't mean it's a waste of time.  If your husband had been willing to go when you wanted to, maybe things could have worked out.  But I'm guessing that things have deteriorated since then (hence your desire for a separation), and now on top of all of the things that made you want to get counseling in the first place, you've got the added insult that he couldn't be bothered until you threatened to leave.  If I were you, I would resent him too much by now for there to be any hope of reconciliation.  This is definitely too little, too late.  Use the counseling as an opportunity to help you figure out what you want, and if that's leaving, how to do it with as little pain to both of you and your son.

achase123

Audg:

achase123:

I think counseling is always worth a try, however, my feeling would be, if he'd come onto my BEST friend, what other randoms has he come onto (and succeeded I'm sure).

And that's EXACTLY what I've said... & he came onto her while she was sleeping all creepylike..and I was HOME in the friggin house!!!  He of course denies it and says she was drunk. He denies everything. I'm figuring counseling will not help, since he is unwilling to admit to anything.... altho even if he did admit it, at this point its too effin late for me to accept any type of "apology" for his behavior.

Oh helll no.  That's repulsive.

Wahoo

I don't think counseling will save your marriage, but at the same time, if you have such a low opinion of this man, maybe counseling will help you to be a better co-parent.  Even if you don't "get along," with your H (as you don't believe him and are disgusted by his behavior), you can learn to have boundries to protect your DS.  I would go.

kellandragon

When I was in individual counseling and I brought this up to my counselor (marriage counseling even if we weren't sure it was going to work) she told me that even if our marriage WAS over with no hope of reconciling, it would at least help up both move towards the divorce and help ease some of the tension and issues that often come up. I agree that it may be too late to save the marriage but it might help you move toward divorce a little more peacefully if you decide to go that route. GL! 

MintChocoChip

Wahoo:

I don't think counseling will save your marriage, but at the same time, if you have such a low opinion of this man, maybe counseling will help you to be a better co-parent.  Even if you don't "get along," with your H (as you don't believe him and are disgusted by his behavior), you can learn to have boundries to protect your DS.  I would go.

I agree with this. It seems as though your marriage is past counseling but co-parenting is not.  I would go for the sake of my child.  You're going to have to have a relationship with your H, might as well air any grievances. 

sapphirelost

Audg - sorry you are going through this. Its similar to my situation: married 7 years, DH emotional disengaged after our first child was born... now denying his cheating (though he previously admitted to joining online dating sites, and I found his alternative FB account etc). I dont trust him anymore.

Let me know how your counseling goes...