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help! opinions wanted
I am new to the nest, but I have posted before on the bump. I need some opinions from people that I do not know. I want opinions and I know that I will get them here. I am going to make this as short as possible without leaving out important details. I am currently mid twenties. I am currently dating my high school sweetheart, but we have not been together for this whole time. We dated for 3 years as teens, and we have been together 4 years now (since we were 22), for a total of 7 years. A year after we started dating for the second time, we purchased a home together, soon after that, we found out we were pregnant. We have a wonderful 14 month old baby.
Here is the problem. My boyfriend has been telling me since we were 16 that he wanted to marry me, but we aren't even engaged. Time after time he tells me that he will eventually pop the question. At first, the reason was that he didnt want people to think that we were only getting engaged because of the pregnancy. Then it was because he didn't have the money. So, I gave him my grandmothers ring (9 diamonds) and told him to have it reset, but still no proposal. Next, he says when I bring it up he puts it off longer and longer because he wants it to be a suprise, and he wants to do it 'his way'. He says he has something special planned.... but he has been saying that for 2 years now. I feel like he is constantly making excuses.
To be honest, I have thought about ulimatims, but I wouldn't want it that way. If we didnt have my baby I would have really considered ending things. I do love my boyfriend, but I feel like I if he eally loved me that he would have done IT already. Thanks for letting me b*tch, now please tell me what you think. Thank you!
Re: help! opinions wanted
There you have it. You know the answer to this. You can still co-parent, but yeah, if he wanted to marry you, he would have. You should be with someone who can't wait an extra day to marry you.
Thats exactly what I want. He keeps telling me that we're going to get married before next April. Part of me feels like a fool to believe him, but I think he is serious. He has talked about locations and colors amd mentions this stuff like when im watching the kardashian wedding, say yes to the dress etc.
If you have been proposed to and said yes, or if the 2 of you have agreed to get married then you are engaged.
The piece of jewelry is optional.
Not for nothin but the engagement ring should have been on his dime --- you need not have a diamond; what about gemstone rings??
What I think you should do:
Sit down and have a long talk about marriage and is it imminent in your future.
Seems to me this guy's full of excuses -- no money??? What did they do during the Depression or when couples were very young and starting out with nearly nothing to both their names???
You buy what you can afford and a guy who won't buy what he can afford is not only a cheap bastard he is also disregarding the feelings of his fiance.
He needs a long and frank discussion about marriage -- I'd tell him to set a date and give you a deadline FOR setting the date -- and if he will not ante up with the date, bid him adieu.
You don't need somebody to play house with; you need a man who is man enough to make a life long commitment.
What you need and want should come first. And that's the bottom line.
I'd get that ring back from him and pronto.
You do not have an ering issue: you have a sh!t or get off the bowl issue.
Anybody on the Snot will tell you: there are all kinds of rings that can be called an ering: gemstone rings -- or go to a pawn shop, get a hocked ering and use the diamond and have it reset.
Sometimes the best lessons are learned the hard way.:(
Even so: the house could have waited until you're married a few years -- raising a kiddo is expensive; you'll be putting an unnecessary financial burden on the both of you.
I'm in the camp that believes if he wanted to get married to you then he would have done so already. 7 years is long enough to know that you want to be with someone, and life is too short to spend with someone who does not want the same things that you do.
I would sit down and have a frank discussion with him about your feelings. Let him know that you want to get married and you don't want any more excuses.
Then I would set a mental timeline of how long you're going to give him before you decide to end things if he doesn't end up wanting to get married (maybe 6 months to a year?). I would spend that time trying to get prepared financially for what you want to do with your house if you guys do end up breaking up. I would think your main choices would be to sell the house, rent it or get a roommate.
Don't feel like you have no other option than to stay with him because of your child and house. People co-parent all the time when they are not together anymore.
I agree... stop waiting for him to propose and have a frank talk with him. You shouldn't have to be sitting around waiting for him to decide to marry you. Ask him, "Do you want to marry me? When? I need to know." And if he doesn't, that's that. I know it sucks, but if you want a marriage commitment, you have to find a man who is willing to make that commitment. So make this a mutual discussion and decision.
Don't feel you have to settle because you have a child. That isn't a good situation for any of the three of you. If he doesn't want to marry you, then you deserve better.
Thank you all very much. I know that we rushed into buying a house, but I am glad that I bought it. I know that I would be able to financially keep it if we broke up, it would be very tough. Don't get me wrong, I love my bf, but I know that I rushed into buying a house with him. I had something tramatic happen in my life that made me not want to waste any time, and I feel like that is why I rushed; I know that that is not an excuse.
I wanted to let you all know that we spoke last night, and had a very "matter of fact" discussion. I explained that I am tired of waiting, and basically everything that you all stated. I told him that we had three options: he proposes soon and we get engaged, we begin planning a wedding, and he can give me a ring whenever he feels the time is right (since he feels that it is nessesary), or we could end things. He explained that he will be proposing very soon and that I can begin arranging the wedding.
I have set a deadline; eventhough I really didn't want to. The end of the year. If I am not engaged, by the end of the year, I will end things.
I just feel cheated that it didn't happen without so much drama. I never wanted to have to talk to him about getting engaged like that. And, his family was very upset that we were living together and had a child together without being married. They pressured us with ultimatims and monetary bribes. I didn't want to do that too.
I do appriciate all of your input. I really needed to just 'man up' and talk to him. I feel so much better this morning. Thank you. If you have any questions for me I am pretty open, and I wouldn't mind answering them.
You keep saying you "bought the house with him" but you didn't. The house is under your name only...so that's a good thing. I bring this up to clear confusion because several have read only your first post where some think that you actually bought a house with his name on the contract. So we're all now clear, you are the sole owner of the house, he's just living in it.
Sorry about setting the deadline, but that's the best thing you can do for yourself and your child.
I think I'm in the minority but I would give him the benefit of the doubt here at least until April rolls around, unless there are other issues in the relationship that are causing you to want to break it off. He is the father of your child and it would be so much better if you two could work it out. Yes, it's seven years, but some of those years were spent as a teenager - it's not the same as if they were seven years in your thirties or something. You are both pretty young and many people are getting married a little bit older these days, just trying to save up money for the wedding, etc.
I don't think I would keep discussing it with him at least until April. Maybe he really does want to surprise you. Also, I think the less you discuss it, the more excited he will be about doing it - the way things stand now it is as though you are telling him to propose and I'm sure he wants to feel like he is in control of this process.
Do you really want to marry someone you had to bully/beg/give deadlines to in order to get a proposal?
Make sure you get your ring back.
If I were in his shoes, I might be thinking this: I have everything I want- the woman, the house, the kid... Who needs the official piece of paper?
Does your kid have your last name or his?
Think twice about marrying a guy that you had to pressure into proposing. If he doesn't want to get married, you just might not have that happy ending that you are looking for.
Good luck.
Seriously...I don't understand some of the advice that's being given here. What about giving ultimatums and deadlines says "healthy relationship?" FFS, the man obviously doesn't want to marry her. If he did, he'd have done it by now. He would have done it a long fvcking time ago.
OP...he doesn't want to marry you. Kick him out of your house and find someone who DOES want to marry you.
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Decide what it is that YOU want -- like I said, he needs to *** and get off the bowl.
I also see a cheapness issue with him -- rings need not be expensive -- and also an issue with not meeting your needs. You want a ring? then he should have made tracks to satisfy you with precisely what you wanted (within his budget -- I do not believe in going into hock over any piece of jewelry)
Does HE want to get married? IF so - the go to the justice of the peace and get married. You do not need rings nor a fancy wedding. Just make it legal.
Are their issues in the relationship which are causing some reasons for caution/hesitation on his part? (Finances, in-laws, sex, work etc)
You did things a bit backwards. Make sure YOU want this for your future before you move and make it permanent.
ETA: I just read you updates:
PLEASE do not spend more on your wedding that you can pay in cash --- NO credit card debt for this event.
PLEASE DO get some premarriage counseling if you want a long and happy life together.
I'm in the kick him to the curb camp. I'd be damned if i married someone who i had to beg to propose to me.....after a house and kid!
If he really wanted to get married youd have been already.
I agree with many PP's. You did things backwards. Oh, well, life is hard. You have a kid now so you can't make decisions with just you in mind anymore.
If he wanted to marry you, he would have made it official already. Dump him. Ultimatums are nothing upon which you should build a life together. You can still coparent your baby together.
I wanted my FI to propose sooner than he did. I had my own personal deadline I was willing to wait to, and I never told him what it was. He was conscious enough of my feelings and my career to know approximately what it was. He knew that if he didn't **** or get off the pot, my career was going to move me away and our relationship would've withered on the vine. He figured it out and made it official before it was too late.
Your man would've done SOMETHING by now, even given you a promise ring of some sort, if he really meant to someday make you his wife. Based on family reactions you described, his family seems conservative. Which would explain the predicted response of his already getting all the milk, so why would he buy the cow? You are giving him normal relationship benefits, (free rent?), a baby you care for, and who knows what else. He sounds like a mooch that will take advantage of you for as long as you let him.
Make sure you get a lawyer when you boot him out of the house. He needs to pay child support.
He told you he wanted to marry you when he was 16....I mean, good God, he was a teenager with no concept of how he would feel as an adult. My mind is kinda blown that you're holding him to this "promise" and taking it seriously.
I think he'll eventually propose, and I think that both of you will spend the rest of your relationship resenting the fact that you bullied a proposal out of him. I have a feeling this wedding will occur because it is the "expected next step" and not because you both want to be married to each other.
This will not end well.
Have you talked to him at all about just getting married? NOT about having a wedding, but just a quick trip to the courthouse to make it legal?
It almost sounds to me like he's not ready for the wedding, not necessarily the marriage. I mean, weddings cost money and take a lot of planning, and it sounds like you have your hands full with a house, a baby, etc. I'd ditch the wedding to be honest. If he still doesn't want to marry you? Well then, you have your answer.
I actually kind of think it's a bit irresponsible to spend money on a wedding when you have a house and a baby to take care of. I understand people want the special event (I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't understand that, since I had one myself), but after more important things come along, the baby and your finances come first. If you have enough money to be comfortable (which includes plenty of money to pay bills, plenty to afford the house, health insurance for the whole family, emergency fund,etc), then by all means have a wedding. But if the wedding is going to strain your budget, you cannot do it. I suspect that's the issue going through his mind and the reason for the delay.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
I'm late to the party but I wanted to give some advice. My DH and I had a rough time with getting engaged. He had (has) weird issues around marriage as an institution. He says things like "I love being married to you, because it's you and I love being with you, but if you died I can't ever see myself getting married again". Basically he made an exception bc he wanted to be with me, but he never saw himself as the marrying kind. So he'd say "I want to marry you", and I'd say "then let's get engaged" and he'd say "no!" bc he was ambivilant. It didn't come down to ultimatums bc we're military and staying unmarried makes things much harder with our lifestyle, but I'm telling you all this to say that just because he's saying one thing and doing another doesn't NECESSARILY mean he doesn't love you enough. My DH also got pissed bc he was starting to get pressue from outside sources, and he wanted to do it on his terms without being bugged. He's stubborn like that. Your boyfriend may feel like everyone's taking the fun out of it by making it an obligation.
IDK, if he told you he's proposing soon and go ahead and start planning a wedding, then believe him.
PS- yes, we have a wonderful, supportive marriage and he treats me exceptionally well. And it's true that even if a guy has a problem with marriage, if he loves you a lot, he will marry you anyway bc having you in his life is more rewarding to sticking to a principle.