Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
FMIL Advice
DS and his girlfriend of 3 years are pretty close to being engaged. I am beyond excited for them - she is awesome! They are great for each other, I think they'll have a good life together.
So, in light of all the "nightmare MIL" posts here - now you all have a chance to prevent a future nightmare before it happens. 
What was the very best thing your ILs said or did? What was the worst? What made you inwardly cringe even though you knew it was meant well? If your best friend wanted to be a kick-ass wonderful MIL, what would you tell her?
Re: FMIL Advice
Honestly, the fact that you care about being a good MIL speaks a lot about the kind of person you are. If you think the gf is awesome, then I'll bet you'll have a great relationship. Obviously, there are tons of MIL-DIL relationships that are great. I envy those people!
Personally I dislike dh's stepmom b/c she doesn't care about dh (or, by extension me or our kids), so my advice would be things like "Don't be a nasty drunk," "don't shower gifts over your bio-grandkids and then 'forget' the other grandkids...."
I think the biggest thing is to realize that your fDIL grew up in a different household - - she will not do things the way that you/your son would. That's ok! It's also ok if you and DIL are not besties. Yes, it's great if you are, but don't pout if she goes out with her mom and doesn't invite you (or wants her mom to watch her give birth, but not you!). Also, boundries are your friend and your son/fDILs friend!
Best Thing- We we so close that we were like mother and daughter the first 4 years of my husband and my relationship
Worst- *Now*not making me feel like part of the family/not inviting me to do things but she invites the other DIL or throwing my feelings on the back burner
Cringe-Forcing me to invite/get along/be friends with her other DIL
To be a kick ass wonderful MIL- Make her feel like family and create/keep a wonderful bond
I wish my MIL and I were still close but unfortunetly that bridge was burned
I agree w/ a lot of what SueBear said, especially the fact that you're aware of this is a HUGE step.
THe thing is, in the end, it comes down to your DIL. You can do everything "right", but it may not be right to her. A lot of this you're going to have to feel out on your own, but if you ever find yourself up against a wall and not sure what to do - try talking to her. not in a "what am I doing wrong" way, but in a "what has taken us off track and what can we do to get back?". Because it's a 2-way street. She isn't going to be perfect and neither are you.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I think the best thing a MIL can do is be supportive and understanding. Your son and fdil are going to be embarking on a whole new part of their lives and they're going to run into rough patches along the way, especially when it comes to compromising.
My biggest gripe with my mil is that she's not very understanding of the fact that we have limited time in each day. She wants us with her all day, every day for each holiday (including things like Mother's Day, 4th of July, etc...). We always try to see everyone around the big holidays but I have two families (my parents are divorced and have each been remarried for 20 years) and we want to spend time together as well. She's not always very understanding and tries to lay the guilt trip on my H but we are in the same page so it thankfully doesn't effect him too much.
That's just an example but I think the best way to look at it is to remember what it was like when you first were married and the things that you worried about as a newlywed and what your il's did that drove you crazy!
like PP said, the conscious effort you are making is already a great first step.
If I could ask anything from a MIL, I would just ask that she recognize the importance of my (future) marriage being between just my husband and I.
I would just say, respect that relationship even when other parties don't. (e.g. if DS or DIL come to you to complain about the other, tell them it has nothing to do with you and you love them both).
I like my MIL a lot. But she was realy weird in the wedding planning. She had a VERY specific view of "helping" me.
Like saying I didn't need to "bother" inviting her side of the family - she would 'just ask' and get back to me. She really meant it. I was the CRAZY person who sent invites with RSVP cards.
I don't think you will do that - but you may feel like you have a completely rational point of view and you should JUST DO WHAT THE BRIDE WANTS ANYWAY.
In the long roun, you really won't regret it.
Don't expect your son to choose between you and his wife.
Don't barge in their house whenever you want. When you are in their house, don't cook, clean, do their laundry, or tell them that they aren't doing it right.
Don't tell your DIL how to take care of your son.
Don't talk badly about your DIL.
Don't tell your DIL how to cook, clean, parent, drive, etc.
Don't dump guilt trips on them for not spending enough time with you.
Understand they they will be a new family and his should put his wife first, not his mom.
Don't try to take over their wedding and make it all about you.
I don't know, I love it when my MIL comes and cleans! But I make no qualms about not being the best at house stuff, and she can take what I think is a pretty clean room and make it sparkle.
We had a pretty rocky relationship for awhile. I didn't utterly despise her by any means, but definitely didn't trust her and got pretty resentful. For me, it was boundaries on our time and just the way things were presented ... it felt like we were expected to drop everything whenever they said. And we were never asked anything, we were always told (ie 'we're staying at your house this weekend' as opposed to 'would you mind if we stayed at your house this weekend?'). That's since been fixed.
The single biggest thing that really helped turn around my feelings on my MIL though has been how supportive and non-judgy she is regarding our parenting. She's really an amazing grandmother to my DD, but what makes me really want to share DD with her is that she always has something positive to say about what we're doing. None of the "well I didn't do that back in the day and *my* kids survived" stuff.
In a nutshell, be supportive and be respectful. Treat her like you would a friend. You sound like you're already on a great path, but don't get so caught up in "doing things right" that you find yourself nervous and walking on eggshells. Your FDIL sounds like a lucky girl though!
Respect their boundaries. Don't lay guilt trips or feel you have to be included in every part of their life. If they have to split holidays then find a way to make it pleasant. Do not ask when they are having children, what they do with their money, or personal business. If they want to start new traditions for their family be understanding.
Let her know an invitation to your home is not a summons.
I have a great relationship with my MIL. I honestly can't think of a "worst" thing she's done, but I can list lots of great things. For one, her telling me that she had never seen my H happier than when he was with me, then describing the change she's seen. That was the best, hands down.
Also, offering to help us plan the wedding in whatever way we wanted her to, then sticking by that promise. Making it clear that she and FIL would love to come visit us or fly us out to visit them whenever we would like (we live on opposite coasts than my ILs), but knowing that our work/vacation schedules don't allow for frequent visits, and not pestering us about that. Never asking or offering an opinion about when/if we might be having children. Calling my H at times when she knows I am home so that she can talk to both of us, or asking how I am if I'm not there. (This last thing may seem like a no-brainer, but this, and most of the items on my list, are things that my parents, who are not good ILs to my H, have neglected to do.)
I agree with this. I have had a very rocky relationship with my MIL, and most of it comes from a complete lack of understanding on her part. She likes things done her way, and anytime things aren't done her way, they are wrong. She doesn't show any respect for me as a person or my perspective. She just gets frustrated because she wants us to do everything the way she does/did. Also ditto on the family thing. She wants us with her family every holiday and has very little flexibility or understanding of the fact that I have a family too that I want to spend time with. We stood our ground and it has gotten better, but we shouldn't have had too. Just be patient and supportive as they try to figure out the holidays, especially the first year. It may not be what you want, but it takes a lot of trial and error to get it right. I found myself dreading (and crying) over every holiday our first year married because she would cause so much drama over them.
Like others have said, the fact that you're asking and actually like your FDIL and are excited will go a long way. Just be understanding and supportive of them as they start their new lives together, and a lot of forgiveness when they frustrate you will go a long way.
I'd like to second that it is wonderful you are thinking about this!
My first thought is to recognize that it takes a bit of time for your DS and FDIL to get used to being married. They may not want to come over for dinner the week or month after they return from the honeymoon - it's not about you. I call it the "marriage hole" - many of my friends (probably DH and I too, but it's hard to see from the inside) dropped off the map for a while right after getting married. It's the feeling of "I love you so much and love being married and this is so cool, etc".
Also, I'd say if it isn't there, don't force it. My MIL (from engagement through about 6-months of being married, total 1.5 years) wanted to be bestest of friends/ have the same Mother-Daugher relationship I have with my bio-Mom. It was uncomfortable because she was trying to force a super-close relationship too fast. Close relationships can take time to develop.
Best wishes to your DS and FDIL in their engagement and to you in gaining a new member of the family!
Don't ascribe motives to her actions. She's different, that's all.
Don't presume that everything your son does that you don't like is because your DIL 'made' him do it.
My advice, she has a mother and probably wants a great relationship with you but not necessarily a second mother.
Wedding planning, it's really her and your DS's day. Don't get offended if she has a different vision than yours or doesn't ask for your opinion on each decision. You had your day.
Remember that even though DS will always be your child, he is an adult now in an relationship with another adult.
I think it's wonderful that you want this advice! Says a lot about you!
Worst thing my MIL did: I really cannot even pick. She spoke very badly about me to many people, some of whom believed her, which caused a great deal of discord. She told dh and me that our children were liars, in an attempt to cover up having done something we'd asked her not to do. She told dh I was a manipulative liar, and to watch out for me taking him away from his family.
Best thing? I can't think of anything nice she's done for me. She's been so obnoxious that it's obvious she's over the top, I guess that's the 'best' thing she's done.
I adored my MIL. My H often jokes that I was her favorite child. My mother is also a fabulous MIL to my H and he adores her.
I think the key is to be really easygoing. Just very accepting of things and people. Try not to have a lot of expectations or preconceived notions about how things should go.
A lot of it depends on how reasonable your FDIL is too. I remember when my MIL came to visit once, we cleaned the house carefully before she arrived. I went off to work the next morning and my H told me later that she very quickly decided the dining room chairs needed to be cleaned and spent a long time scrubbing them. I was thrilled, because now my chairs were clean, and amused that she had managed to find the one thing in the room that we had overlooked when cleaning. I "got" her and I knew she liked to clean and was probably happy as a clam to have that project.
But sometimes I read posts on here and think that a lot of DILs would have been mad if their MIL did that. So it takes all kinds. If your DIL is cool and easygoing, I think you'll all be great!
I have a somewhat strained relationship with my mother in law. My husband is an only child and I think that we had more growing pains than most folks did when it came time for my MIL to step aside from being #1 important "go to" person in my husbands life. I wish with all my heart that I enjoyed spending time with my MIL but I just don't. I'm polite and respectful but I don't seek out opportunity to spend time with her. We'll never have that kind of relationship and I've come to terms with that. That being said, here are some of the biggest "wedges" that we have.
Respect that they will do their best to acknowledge some of your traditions but that they are in the midst of creating some for themselves. Be tolerant of sharing holidays and take delight in the times that you do get to spend with them. They have 2 families they're obligated to now and it will make everyone happier if you can be accepting and understanding of their need to blend 2 lives into 1.
Be interested and engaged in their lives without inviting yourself over all the time.
Remember that although your son will always be your child, he is a grown up and can make decisions on his own without your input - and in fact he will be deferring to his new wife to help him with the tough ones. I can only imagine that is difficult for a parent to step back from but try. (my MIL doesn't, it drives me insane)
If you had high hopes for your son and DIL to attend something and they decide (for whatever reason - it doesn't really matter) that they can't or won't be able to attend, do NOT guilt them about it. It is entirely within their rights to choose how they spend their time.
Do NOT, under any circumstances, bother them about making you a Grandma. Some people don't want kids or are struggling and it isn't any of your business either way. Laying on the guilt trip will only backfire on you.
Love them as a couple without agenda. Be excited to see them. Make an effort to bring your new DIL into family traditions and events. Invite them over for dinner every now and again. Accept their offers to come over sometimes too.
If you feel like you're not seeing them enough, do not whine about it to others and then have the "others" tell them. You have fingers - send them an email or give them a call. Chances are good that they've just been busy and it isn't at all intentional.
Above all, understand that you will always be your sons Mom. You will always have a special place in his heart and you have years and years of shared memories together. However, his wife is the new #1 and the sooner that you can let go enough to let her into that place, the happier everyone will be. Power struggles help no-one and hurt a whole lot of folks in the process.
The best thing my MIL said: The first time I met my MIL (and FIL) was four months before I got engaged to their son. My MIL was SO excited for me to be a part of their family; she asked when we were getting engaged right after the it's nice to meet yous. She told me I glowed like a woman in love and that she was so happy for us.
Honestly I wish they lived closer. (We live in WA and they live in AK.)
I don't have any issues with my ILs but I know my H struggles with my parents not always respecting boundaries (like making plans with us and assuming we'll work it into our schedule at the last minute). They've gotten better because I've talked with them and we just tell them it won't work for us if it's too last minute so they've gotten the hint.
My parents live 2.5 hours away and I know they want us to visit more often but they don't pressure us so much anymore. It didn't work and made us want to visit less. I'd love to visit more often but there's a snowy mountain pass between us and H's job schedule sucks which makes it hard. I think they get it now.
I would just say show an interest in their lives. My parents are aware of what's going on in our lives and make a point to ask H about specific things he's doing - how was school going when he was getting his associate's degree a couple of years ago (and then took us out to celebrate when he got it), how his management training program was going, etc. My mom texted him this morning to wish him good luck in his new position at work that he started at today. He really likes my parents because he knows that whenever we need anything they're just a phone call away, but they also don't (usually, lol) try to push their opinions on us or act overbearing. They also don't mind if they see me and not him. Sometimes if my sister and nephew are at my parent's a lot in a given month I'll go over there every weekend for a little bit, but if H doesn't want to go I don't make him and my parents don't get offended or take it personally.
My IL's, on the other hand, don't show an interest in anything and have an opinion on everything under the sun. We usually only hear from them if they need something and they don't know much about our lives. H had me tell my parents about his promotion before he told his own because he knew that mine would be excited and proud of him while his would say "oh, that's nice". When we talk to them they do ask about how my pregnancy is going, but they also tell us how we should raise the kids (ridiculous things like they're never allowed to sleep over a friend's house, they're not allowed to go away to college, they can only go locally and live at home, etc.). We see them only on birthdays/holidays, whereas we see my family a few times a month.
ETA - My parents seem to view the marriage as they gained a son, while his parents view it as they lost a son (instead of gained a daughter). I think if you have the mentality of gaining a daughter, then you'll do great.
I would like to say thank you (as a DIL who has problems with my MIL) for caring and taking the time to prepare for the changes that are about to come with the marriage.
If I could tell my MIL what to do/not do I would give her this advice:
Don't assume anything - don't assume DIL is trying to take your son away, wants to never let him visit your family, is changing him, controlling him and don't assume that you know exactly what every statement/action/or lack thereof means.
Don't play the victim, martyr or try to pit DIL and your son against each other. Don't put your son in the middle or make him feel like he has to chose between you and DIL. As his wife, she is his priority - but it doesn't mean that you're not still important as his mom, he just needs to put her first, always.
Good luck and try to create and establish a healthy and positive relationship early on because if it starts off bad there's a good chance it'll stay bad if not get worse (especially if she has hurt/angry feelings). Wish my MIL was as open and receptive as you are!
Thanks again to everyone. A lot of spot-on advice seems like "well DUH", until you're in the situation personally.
Meanwhile - we're getting together with her parents for dinner next week, and DS and his almost-fiance are in a happy almost-engaged-but-planning-the-wedding bubble. So all is well.
ps - if you run across a troll on the Knot asking for tips on how to make TOJ packets in massive quantities because their ceremony is just that awesome, and planning to have Siamese fighting fish as centerpieces, um, I may have mentioned a few hot button topics. . . .
ETA - said troll would likely be DS, not my future DIL . . . when I mentioned the hot button topics his eyes kind of lit up at the idea of messing with a board full of bored future brides. It will probably be topped off with a handful of misspellings and grammar mistakes in a post about homeschooling their future children. . . .