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Let the IL TIP begin.... JFC!
So, my MIL (I've talked to you about her before) decides that on the way to the hospital to meet her grandbaby that she is going to drop the bomb in the middle of the elevator ride up with H that she thinks that we will be horrible parents.
Also this joyful tidbit that she is getting a divorce from FIL. She throws a shyt-fit in the elevator. H didn't tell me until this evening, but I feel so bad for him that he had to go through that alone. I am so pissed.
I'm just venting I guess because I've already stood my ground with MIL told her that I appreciate her "contributions" to how she thinks we should lead our lives in order not to be massive failures (according to her). If her lawyer son (BIL), & chemical engineer son (H) are "failures" then the rest of humanity is screwed. They are great men with loving wives, good jobs & are generally happy with their station in life etc. I've told her this and hung up on her manipulative arse so many times. I don't even take her phone calls anymore. Instead she call and rail DH. Why he takes the call I don't know, but he set her straight over and over again.
This woman is irrational and maddening. Fvck!
So I said that I wanted my child to learn multiple languages? Suddenly that is ALL I want the kid to know, and what kind of life do I want for Abby with that? Anything I say that I would like to do for my child (learn language, sign language, travel, you name it.) suddenly turns into this dissertation on how I am going to create a life full of fail for Abby. Shyt, apparently Abby's parentage is enough to ensure that her life is going to amount to nothing. I hate it and told her that I am not putting up with her irrational, hateful shyt.
She was supposed to come here this weekend to "help". Well it turns out that the 24 hours she was here she just berated me about how much I suck and I should do this, do that, and OMG don't know you know X about babies. No, you fuckwit I am a FTM and don't know shyt. I know I'm not as good as you think you are but FFS leave me alone. I lost my shyt on her and said please stop just please leave me alone and go back home. My husband just told them that we appreciated their help but we would most likely see them around Thanksgiving (maybe).
H hates it that their first visit ended this way, and that his mom made this time stressful for us. He really thought that they were going to help and wanted to have someone over to cook/clean etc. Since they offered he had no idea that this would come to pass. I feel bad for him because they keep promising to be different and that they really want him to be happy. Their way is the only way and anyone else that does something different is destined for a horrible life.
We stopped taking their calls and stuff for a reason. Now I'm reminded why we did it. We just felt that they should not be deprived of seeing their Grandchild. I think if they keep this shyt up though that its not a healthy environment for Abby. If they treat her like they do us then I wouldn't want her exposed to that. I will cross that bridge when I come to it, but it doesn't help that her BS is during the emotions/hormones post partum. I'm feeling extra sensitive to criticism about my mothering (which I think is normal for first time moms right?) & MIL probably saw it as a weakness to pick at during this time. I don't like to be hateful, but she has always told H that I wasn't good enough stock to be is wife. So I know its all shyt. I know I'm going to be a good mom and she is full of crap. It still hurts my feelings and makes me cry to hear her say those things not even 3 effing days after I give birth.
I don't understand why she can't just STFU and realize that our lives are NOT bad. Our lives are good, and blessed. Ok, I guess I'll stop now because I'm preaching to the choir. My MIL is insane and I hate it. /rant
Re: Let the IL TIP begin.... JFC!
I'm sorry you have to deal with this Betty. It sounds like you are handling it as best as you can. Shut out her negativity, and don't let it get to you.
Also, Abby is beautiful.
Yeah, that sh*t would not fly. Nor should it fly for you. I think you and your H need to sit down and talk about some things and if he needs counseling to get the "ok" to cut these toxic people out of their lives, then that's what he needs to do.
Parents are just people who have kids. Sometimes those parents are great and loving. And sometimes they're not. Unfortunately, as kids, we want to only believe/see the best in our parents and put up with stuff we wouldn't tolerate from a friend or a stranger on the street.
Sending you lots of hugs. And I know you're a fantastic mom! Hey, she's still alive, right? (That was an ongoing joke with DH and I after BG was born. "Hey, honey, its been a week and he's still alive!")
Your MIL is a ***! I'm sorry she dumped all of that toxicity on you and your dh when this should be such a happy time. I know you want her to STFU, but I think she has proven time and time again that she's not going to be doing that anytime soon. I definitely think you and your dh should cut all ties with this woman.
Congratulations on your new beautiful baby girl. Enjoy her and don't let your MIL ruin it.
Just repeat to yourself that there is a reason you cut them out.
I've found that since I became a parent my fuse in terms of what I'll take and is acceptable to say about my kid in particular is really, really short. My H still waxes lyrical about the time I told my parents to shut the f*ck up verbatim, since I was trying to comfort Joaquin and I'd asked them nicely at least twice. The momma bear in you will come out, and in this case I wouldn't even feel bad about it.
If you do decide to have (limited) contact with them in the future, your kid will grow up and realize that grandma is a batsh*t loony, so I wouldn't worry too hard about their effect on her, kwim?
Being a grandparent doesn't give her any "rights" to your child, and yes - if this is how she treats you all, I would absolutely not allow her to see her grandchild.
This is a situation where I think cutting her out of her lives for awhile may be really beneficial. Right now, there is no reason for her to change. YOu all feel you have to see her, so you "give in" and see her, then you end up being upset again. But then you'll still see her again (like you even said - "maybe" at Thanksgiving").
I'd bet it would be an eye- opening shock to her if you all said "We're done. we're not going to have you in our lives as long as you act like this." and then REALLY didn't have her in your lives!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm sorry.
FWIW, " If they treat her like they do us then I wouldn't want her exposed to that. "..
Keep in mind that even if they treat HER Like the golden child she is and treat YOU like crap, she still shouldnt' be exposed to watching her parents be berated and belittled. She shouldn't watch you guysput up w/ crap under the jutification of 'but they're family"--that's not a lesson you want to teach either.
Protect yourself, protect your husband, protect your kid and let MIL rot.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
See, this is where it would have been completely appropriate for your husband to say, "Mom, if that's the way you feel, you don't need to meet the baby. Go home, and call me when you decide to respect us as parents."
Total lurker here, but as another new mom, I just wanted to say that while all the advice about standing up to her is completely correct, you don't have to do it rightthisverysecond. I had a random woman accuse me of child abuse about a week after my baby was born because she was crying, and I didn't respond the way I would have liked. (What I did say: basically nothing. What I should have said: "In a few weeks, I'll know how to make her stop crying, but you'll always be a cold-hearted b*itch.") You know what? You're not going to respond well. You're exhausted, hormonal, and insecure about how to deal with a new baby. That's okay. Let yourself off the hook. Right now, throw her out, tune her out, or respond sarcastically, whatever's easiest. You can deal with her in a few months. I promise, you'll find it much easier then.
Sorry, Betty. Of course you are going to be a good mom. There is no reason to question that.
I feel like if I were in your situation, I would have enough stress in my life with a new baby, aches and pains, no sleep, etc., that I would feel the need to cut out any stressors that I could- including MIL. You do what you need to do. Right now may not be the best time to figure out your child's relationship (if there is one) with grandma. It can wait until you are feeling more confident.
Cut her off. Life is too short to deal with people like that. Show her that her actions have consequences.
And to the PP who was accused of child abuse for letting her child cry....say what??
Good lord, if a crying baby is child abuse, someone should call CPS on me. They're babies....that's what they do.
Yeah, it was ridiculous. My MIL was with me and earned my undying gratitude by reminding me that people just say stupid things sometimes. I beat myself up about it, though, and then was kicking myself for not responding the way I should have. It took a while for me to realize that just dealing with the baby took so much energy that I couldn't even find enough to stand up for myself. Thus the advice about doing whatever's easiest for now and worrying about the state of the relationship later.
Are you even aware of the back-story here??? Betty's MIL is a horrible excuse for a person. Betty, her H and Abby do not need to be around this toxic woman.
Well she's a heinous b!tch isn't she?
First - you're absolutely right about being a first time mom. It's totally overwhelming and daunting and exhausting and you need support not someone bitching at you about how you're doing it all wrong. And honestly, as long as you're not physically hurting the kid or putting her in danger, you're not doing anything that's going to cause irreparable harm. It took me a full 6 weeks just to figure out how to burp DD and she's fine. (Side note: Youtube is totally helpful for anything you aren't sure about. I used to watch videos on burping ALL THE TIME and that's how I finally figured it out).
I also think some counseling for the two of you might be helpful. Your H's mother sounds awful and personally I wouldn't want her around my family if I were you. But it sounds like your H isn't ready for that and if he isn't ready for it, it will be extremely difficult and painful for him. It's painful even when you are ready for it but at least then you have a conviction about what you're doing - you know it's the right choice. If you aren't certain of that, it's a very hard decision to stick to. My stepmother and father are a lot like your MIL - I cut them out of my life for several years and it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. But it took a long time for me to get there and I know if I'd tried it before I was ready, it would have been much more difficult for me. I read the book "Toxic parents" and I really liked it - it not only helped me to figure out that I was ready for that step but also helped me develop some strategies for dealing with them that made it easier when I did have to see them.
But if I were you, I would sit down in a couple months (when you have both adjusted more to your new roles as parents) and discuss what is an is not acceptable in terms of how your MIL acts toward and in front of Abby. No one has a right to be hurtful toward a child simply because they share DNA. Being in your daughter's life is a gift you extend to people who love and support her and your family. If MIL can't or won't do that, she doesn't get to be around. Have the discussion before you see her again so you two can talk about it calmly and have a plan.
Good luck! I'm sorry that she made this a difficult time for you and I hope you and your H are able to work it out soon!
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
Betty, I'm sorry your MIL sucks.
Your baby is gorgeous, and you and your H are going to be amazing parents!!
I'm not saying she isn't horrible. She sounds it. And if Betty can deal with the relationship status now, that's fine. My only point was that she should give herself a break if she's too overwhelmed to do it right now. I'm not saying she should forgive her, let her stay in her life, or whatever. Just that she shouldn't push herself to do more than she can handle. Some people would find cutting a family member out of their lives more stressful than just dealing for another month or two, and if Betty is one of those people, she shouldn't feel bad about putting off a difficult conversation until she's better-rested. Sometimes responses on boards like this lean in the direction of, "If you don't cut this person out of your life RIGHT NOW, you're basically asking for whatever horrible thing she does to you later." I just wanted Betty to read at least one response saying that if she's not ready to face that issue while she's recovering from giving birth, it's okay to wait a little while.
Anyway, Betty, I don't want to hijack this thread. Your MIL sounds cruel, and I didn't mean to imply that you deserved it. Focus on Abby, who is gorgeous, and do what makes you comfortable for now. That's all.