Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Need some perspective or something...
Hello! I am a long time lurker and I'm hoping that by posting my situation that I won't get flamed.
Anyway, my H is a mechanic. One of the most honest and good hearted ones you will find. He recently went out of his way last weekend to fix a car for his uncle's sister. It's not his aunt because his uncle's wife is his father's sister. He took both part of his day on Saturday and Sunday of last weekend to fix her car. She had NEVER had a tune up or done any regular maintenance on it except oil changes and maybe replaced the tires.
Well, a few hours ago, while we were visiting my parents, my sMIL trys to call both of us but he doesn't have reception at my parents house. (My sMIL and his father own the garage btw) She calls me but I ignore it because we are visiting. Once we leave, he calls her and she tells us that the car is overheating and his uncle's sister is stuck at the airport which is about an hour away. While on the phone with my sMIL he is coughing his head off but she doesn't even ask how he is. I won't get into the numerous occasions where she has been heartless but this is a small example.
It's already getting late (for us anyway) and I am against him going because he is sick. He may have bronchitis and has felt like crap for the last two days. (We had our wedding pics to show my parents so that's the only reason we went over there)He needs to stay home and rest. He doesn't want to go but is pretty much forced to. I don't see why his uncle's sister can't get a hotel or a tow to the garage and he could work on it in the morning when he's well rested. I understand that they want to stand by their work, but from the way she described it, it's nothing he did but due to the lack of maintenance over the years.
I am upset that my H's health is of no concern to anyone but me. He's always going out of his way for his family and the business, without any or VERY little appreciation. He has a big heart and I do as well but I've been screwed over so many times in the past that I have put myself and those who are important to me first.
Maybe I am overreacting but he does SO MUCH for that business already. He is the only mechanic and works 10-12 hours a day, 5 days a week. He probably won't get home until midnight and he will have to be at work in the morning.
Just needed to vent. Try not to be too harsh.
Re: Need some perspective or something...
I am upset that my H's health is of no concern to anyone but me. He's always going out of his way for his family and the business, without any or VERY little appreciation. He has a big heart and I do as well but I've been screwed over so many times in the past that I have put myself and those who are important to me first.
I don't get why you're expecting anyone to behave any differently than they always do. It sounds like your H just keeps doing nice things for his family in the hopes that they'll magically change their ways and show him some appreciation. Sorry but it ain't gonna happen. Like PP said, if they know they can take advantage of his kindness then they'd just be stupid to stop.
If getting some appreciation is important to you and your H, then learn to only do nice things for people who'll thank you in return.
Hey heads up.
My dad has done this for the last 30 years and he HATES it. Within the last few he has finally stood up to relatives about his "knees' hurting him too much in his old age to continue being the family mechanic. ....yes his knees are getting bad, but that's besides the point. He had to use this as his reason for not doing it anymore in order to get them to quit quilt tripping him about saving them money on a tow bill or regular mechanic.
DH is also a mechanic and my dad begged DH not to get involved in this. Sure as the sun comes up, my aunt asked DH to look at her car. Before DH could answer my dad stepped in immediately and lied about our plans.
Its wonderful and generious and down right awesome that your H lent a helping hand. But this is where you draw the line and do it now before its too late. Don't let them guilt trip him - and don't let them abuse him so much that he regrets the decision to help in the first place. If that starts to happen, I bet he'll be very wary ir not down right quit - lending a helping hand in the future. (Or spend the next 30 years biitching up a storm to underserving people about being expected to be responsible for something he isn't even responsible for).
good luck. Good hearted men are hard to steer straight sometimes lol.
Face Painting Blog | Body Art Blog
Legal Blog
I can understand, even go so far to say that I would share, what you feel. However, I can also see that if you and your DH were already out (yes, even to show wedding pics) than some coughing on the phone isn't going to register as he's so sick that he has to be home in bed. I mean, he's already out why would it preclude being out even more is their thinking. Second, whether he wants to stand by his work or not, he was not forced into anything. He's a grown man and calls his own shots. He could have let it wait, but instead decided to take care of matters...just not in a way that agreed with you. I'm sure having to then deal with an unhappy wife on top of that didn't make him feel any better, and after he didn't stay in bed where it would have been comfortable only to show your folks pics that could have waited to boot.
I'd say let this moment pass without accidentally slipping into the us vs them or the you chose them over me stereotypical roles. After there is some distance, time wise, bring up the issue of being on call (do not bring up the incident..that is different) and the garage's need for a back up mechanic in case of illness, injury or family emergency. Even bring up family time conflict measures with customers vs. family members (on both sides)...that way you guys are opening up a discussion on how to handle your own family's needs, allowing some leeway for change when it needs to happen, but have an agreed upon yet flexible plan to handle little things like this in the future.
I think you should be the one who answers sMILs calls.
Your sMIL doesn't care about your H. Clearly, her "family" (including extended family) mean more to her than your H does.
In the future, when she calls, you answer the phone. He should set his phone so that her calls go right to his voicemail. Tell your sMIL that your H is out and can't be reached. Too bad, so sad.
I'm wondering if he works for his dad? In this case, he needs a new job, or he needs to speak with his dad. Unless he is getting paid for his time "helping" her family, he can't do it.
Your H is an adult. He needs to stop worring that his dad's wife "isn't going to like him anymore" if he says no. Because the truth is, she already doesn't value him AT ALL!
And fyi - I have lived through this with dh's family. DH took the cr*p from his sMIL and was the "nice guy," in order to preserve a relationship with his dad. He finally stopped answering the phone when she calls. Even now, when his siblings ask him to "intervene" - he only does something if he feels his dad is in danger (like when the aid is gone and sMIL is in the hospital so FIL is all alone - - not when they are angry they can't take FIL out, when sMIL won't pick up their calls, etc.)
These people are his bosses. If he's not getting compensated for long hours and good work, then he should get another job.
And if my sister was stuck at an airport with no way to get home, I'd send my step-son, the mechanic, not double-check that he was "well rested". If he said that he was too sick to do it, then I'd be really annoyed and make other arrangements. But its absurd for you to expect her to inquire about that nasty cough while he's healthy enough to be out and about when her sister was completely stuck.
And considering this was a favor and family emergency, then he should have said he's going in late today.
You seem awfully ready for everyone else to baby him, insteadof expecting him to act like a grown up and speak-up when he needs to.
WTF? If my sister was stuck, I'd pick her up myself or ask DH, not ask my husband's son to get her. However, my sister is smart enough to call a tow truck on her own, have AAA in case of car emergencies. Plus, she takes care of her car.
your DH chooses to work the hours and days that he does.
if this person didn't do the rigth thing this time next time your DH shouldn't help at all.
also your DH is an adult. if he wants to help her after he just fixed her car then it's his choice. he wasn't too sick to go to family's house. people dealw tih being sick differently. my dh doesn't let it stop him at all. and wait to see if dh actually does have bronchitis before throwing that in the mix. frankly-you sound whiney. of course the family cares that he's got a cold but he's not on death's door. its a cold.
I'd be like this too-- especially if he had just done all sorts of work on her car. If they expect you to come and work on their cars at their house on the weekends, that's one thing. But this was an emergency. At least, I would consider it one.
This is just asinine. Either they're his bosses, or they're family and it's a favor. If they're his bosses, then it's not reasonable to ask him to pick up this aunt - would you call your mechanic and ask him to go pick up your aunt, even if he'd fixed her car before? If it's a family favor, then they're still kind of jackasses for not just going and picking her up themselves.
I'm most annoyed with your husband for not saying no. I'll bet you are, too.