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WWYD: Grandmother's funeral
So I have been estranged from my mother for over two years. To the best of my estimation she has borderline personality disorder - I'm an only child and have carried the burden of her mental illness for my entire life. I never would have cut her off but two years ago she gave me an out and did it herself and to be honest I took this opportunity and ran with it to save myself. The last two years have been relatively blissful. My maternal grandmother has just passed away and I would love to go see my extended family (most of whom I see several times a year) but the thought of what venom my mother might spew just doesn't seem worth it. I don't want to hurt my aunts and cousins by not attending but I also never know what I am walking into with my mother and I don't want a scene at my grandmother's funeral. I visited with my grandmother a couple weeks ago and she knew how much I loved her. I'm just thinking it might be best to stay away and let my mom have this time with the family and not risk any upheaval.
Re: WWYD: Grandmother's funeral
Do you still have contact with the extended family?
If so, I would call them and say something like, "Normally I would be there to pay my respects to Grandma, but given the situation with my mother I feel it's appropriate for me to lay low so that Grandma gets the respectful, quiet memorial that she deserves. I hope you understand. Since everyone will be in town for the service, would you like to get together afterward and catch up over a cup of coffee?"
This sounds really nice.
If I were you, I would go to the services and immediately speak with your Aunt and explain that if your mother shows up and starts to cause a problem you will just have to leave without explanation because you don't want the family to be upset. I'm sure she will understand. I'm sorry about your grandma.
I think this is a good idea. I think that you deserve closure and to be with your family.
If your mom can't handle that, you can leave.
It does sound nice, but can also be twisted into appearing bitchy. If the mother has been trashing or is likely to use the event to put the spotlight on how her daughter couldn't even make it to the funeral to pay respects, well...this just feeds into it. It can easily be interpreted as pointing fingers at the mother in a snide way, using the funeral as an excuse. If the mother has laid (or would lay at the funeral) a foundation of her view of her daughter as negative, this would phrasing would certainly support that given a little push.
Maybe tweak it to say that she (the original poster) feels this time really should be her mother's time with her extended family for support and that she (original poster) would love to get together later for coffee/catching up. This way she's not scapgoating her mother, doesn't have the appearance of being snarky (but actually kind) and extends out a hand in meeting up with family.
However, I would go personally if meeting the family and celebrating the life of the grandmother as well as being there giving/receiving support to family members. The mother in this situation chose the estrangement, not the daughter/poster, so I don't see any reason to act the part of the one doing the estrangement. I'm in an estrangement from my mother as well (will be two years this coming spring) and it was instigated and chosen by my mother. This has split our family and there are people who are definitely absent my life as a result and not by my own choosing. I have a daughter getting married next year, and she's not inviting my folks (unfortunately, she too has been estranged as "punishment" by my mother for standing against her). I'd be damned if I'd miss something so precious, however, because of a potential awkward encounter. While she might not control herself, I do know I can control myself, as well as avoid hot buttons that might set things off. (My mother is not bi-polar, but does have mental issues which can become volatile).
Honestly, OP, it's your call...you know the delicacies and intricacies that you just cant convey completely online.
Thanks for the words of wisdom. Since posting I have found out that there is going to be a viewing tonight so I'm going to attend that to show my support to my extended family. I'll just leave if my mom starts in on me. I will control myself; I have seen too many family fights escalate with my mother in the middle. I won't be a party to it at my grandmother's funeral or ever for that matter.