Sex & Romance
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Finding the Romance
I was hoping I could get some advice. I love my fiance very much, I truly believe God put us in each others lives. We had a conversation today where he was talking about regrets he had about a past relationship. He dated a married woman for about 3 weeks. He's not proud of it and the reason we were talking about it is because he feels like he needs to write a letter apologizing to both of them (I know I'm biased but in his defense they had a nasty rocky marriage and she had a restraining order against her husband at one point). I have no issue with what happened. He's human we all make mistakes, and it happened long before I came along. What got me is when he was talking about it all went down. This girl literally held his hand while he broke up with his nasty, controlling, possessive ex. They started hanging out more, and one night he told her he wanted to kiss her...and then he did. At that point it struck me, I never made him work for me. We met around New Years Eve and because of distance spent 3 months talking on facebook before we decided that it might be going somewhere and he came down to visit me. When he knocked on the door we said hello and then I kissed him. And we didn't stop for about an hour! I love him so much but I regret that I didn't let him take the lead. I'm always doing that that I'm impatient and jump the gun on things. I didn't let him romance me, or try to win me over. I just jumped right in. I don't even know if this makes sense. Or maybe I'm just being selfish. I just...I want him to be romantic with me! I never let him and now I realise what an idiot I was. Am I asking too much? Am I being selfish? Am I even making sense?
Re: Finding the Romance
HE SHOULD NOT WRITE A LETTER. NO GOOD WOULD COME FROM THAT.
Now, for the rest of your novel. I really don't know what you're talking about. Regretting "not letting him take charge" or not making him "work" for you is pointless, because you can't rewrite the past. How do you think your relationship would be different if you had done these things you fantasize about? And what does it have to do with his messed-up past relationship?
I kind of get the impression that you feel romance is lacking in your relationship because of these past events, which you can do nothing about? Sorry I can't make sense of this.
He needs some kind of closure regarding the past relationship. I do not think a letter is a good idea. All hell could break loose between her and her H. Not a wise idea to contact him or her.
He should see a therapsist to get this issue squared away.
Some guys simply are not the romantic types. Maybe he isn't.
I don't know if you are married to him but if you are not, and a very romantic guy is important to you, maybe you should consider moving on.
he is what he is right now and remember: Actions speak louder than words.
the past is the past. my husband and i hardly ever talk about ex's... because it never does anything good for OUR relationship. it only give's you grounds for comparison, when you have to remember (ESPECIALLY in marriage), that this is going to be a far different experience than either of you have had thus far.
i'm sure he romanced you. i understand where you're coming from, because i used to be like you... jumping the gun, because things were so great in any given moment that you didn't want to waste a second "playing the game". but that's YOUR experience together! that IS your romance... being so crazy head-over-heels for each other that you knew you didn't need to wait around!
things get strange when you get comfortable... you start questioning everything, wondering if it's right for you, or if it could be better, somehow. you've got to make up your mind, and stick with it. not ever second of your relationship is going to be roses and diamonds and butterflies in your stomach. but getting married to someone is promising that you'll share your life with them, and you choose them as the one single person in the world you'll ever be intimate with. that's the importance of it all. so focus on you two... not on the past, not on things that didn't involve you. sure, theyre interesting, because they're factors of what made your partner who he is, but it's not who he is with you. so steer your attention to how YOU can romaniticize HIM, if thats what you want. you can learn to be playful with each other, and maybe that'll spark a whole new flame in your relationship.
good luck. oh, and make sure he does NOTTTTTTTT contact any ex's. that's just got bad news written all over it.
The fact that he feels like he needs to write a letter apologizing doesnt really sit well...he should be over it. OK maybe he regrets it and he sorry, but trying to be proactive about contacting them just sends up a red flag.
I dont mean to alarm you...just my reaction