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Newbie...sort of long...
Good Morning,
I've never posted here, but thought you all might be able to offer some helpful advice. My ex husband and I recently divorced - it was final August 1 2011, but we were separated for a little over a year before it was final. Also, we both sort of checked out of our marriage months before we decided to separate. We have a son together who is almost 3. My ex and I are still friends - and get along pretty well. When we separated, my son and I moved into my parents' house so I could get things in order. I have my son 10 out of 14 days every two-weeks. The days that I don't have my son, I usually stay with friends closer to work. I believe I am a great Mom - sure I have my flaws, but my little boy comes first in my life, no matter what. When I have him, there are no babysitters, etc., its just he and I. I do go out and have fun when he is with his Dad.
My parents' loved my ex and just couldnt get over the fact that he and I were separating - neither of us did anything wrong, we just werent meant to be together. They havent treated me the same since. Everytime my Mom and I get into an argument about anything, she eventually says "You are 29 years old, you need to act like it...you have a child, and you need to put him first all the time." I don't get it. We try to talk, but it always ends up in an argument.
I'm hoping things will get better once my son and I move out, but I don't know. Its almost like just because I am not living my life exactly as she did/is, I am wrong. It is so frustrating and she makes me feel horrible about myself.
Re: Newbie...sort of long...
Everytime my Mom and I get into an argument about anything, she eventually says "You are 29 years old, you need to act like it...you have a child, and you need to put him first all the time."
What does she mean by this? I might ask her, in a calm tone, for specific examples of why she feels that you are acting immaturely and why she feels that you are neglecting your son. Or it might be better to just say, "Mom, I was not happy in my marriage, and Son is well taken care of and he's thriving. Ex and I can still be good parents without being married to each other. This isn't up for discussion." And then walk away. If she persists, just say calmly, "This is the right choice for me and I was hoping you could respect that. I don't get why you would want me to stay in an unhappy marriage or why you'd say hurtful things to me."
Do you think she's just speaking out of anger because she feels that you shouldn't have gotten a divorce? Do you think she really saw no problem with your ex, or is she one of those people who believe that divorce must be avoided at all costs (maybe she feels that you should've just stayed in an unhappy marriage to keep up appearances)?
You've lived with your parents for nearly three months, correct? How much longer do you anticipate living there? Do you have an agreement with your parents as to when you will leave? Do you have a job and can you support yourself and your son? Did they invite you to stay with them after your divorce or did you ask them to take you in? What does your dad have to say about all this?
Like you said, it sounds like it's time to pack up and move out as soon as you possibly can.
What kind of arguements do you get into when your mom says these things to you?
I hate to say it, but your mom is kind of right. It sounds like you may have overstayed your welcome at your parent's house. When living there who takes care of your son more? Your mom or you? Maybe she feels like she is doing more work since you are living there. She sounds more frustrated than anything.
I honestly don't think your mom is trying to make you feel horrible about yourself, I think she is pushing tough love on you.
She's right, you're 29 years old. No more living at mom and dad's. You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and move out. Create an independent life for you and your son and a more stable home.
I don't know what she means by that ? DO you help with the cooking / house/ yard work ? I am not talking about your room and the bathroom you use, I am talking about the main areas? DO you help mop the kitchen floors, clean the microwave, dust, vacuum ? Do you have any money saved to get your own place ? If not, perhaps your mom wants you to get another job so that you can get your own place quicker?
WIthout knowing what your mom meant when she said that, it is hard to say. Perhaps she is just one of those people who unfairly believes that once you have a child you shouldn't go out an have fun anymore.
If you have lived with your parents for over a year perhaps it is time to get out and find a place of your own.
I'm not sure exactly what your Mom meant, but I'm going to second the idea that you need to find your own place sooner rather than later. By your late 20's, it's unusual to require over a year under your parents' roof to "get things in order". If you have no financial alternative, make sure you are paying your way in sweat equity - you should be contributing significantly toward household chores and expenses without being asked.
When you have him, he comes first....10 nights out of 14. He is not "coming first" for four of those 14 nights. I'm not sure what is....easy commute, a night off...but it's not your son.
I was a working mom (2-income family, so dh was present, but he travelled a lot and was not home as often) when I was living 35 miles (1 hour commute on NJ roads) from work. I had TWO kids and I was able to do it!
Also, I would add that if you put your son first, you would define "having fun," as the times you are WITH him, not the time when he is with his dad and you are with out your friends.
Yes, you do need to put your child first - more often than 15 weeks (26 weeks * 10/14) out of the year!!!
Wow, some of these replies are a little harsh. I think in order to understand your situation we need more information. Living with your parents for over a year now, maybe it is time to move out. By relying on your parents for so long you're inviting them into your everyday life with you and your child so your mom may feel like she's allowed to judge you on how you interact with your child.
On the other hand, maybe your mom thinks what's "best" for your child was to stay married, is that what she means? If that's the case it's your life, not hers and what's best for your son is having his parents happy even if that means separately.
If you know you're a good mom and you pull your weight at your parents' house then I would try to ignore her comments and get out of there ASAP.