Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: I actually have TIP to post. Warning: Long one.
Sometimes people do not have the choice to have another child after they have one. This is something that really bothers me, so thanks for rubbing it in a little more about how tough my son's life is going to be since he is an only child.
I'm sure you're not really a jerk...just maybe acting like one occasionally.
Seriously though, really try to put yourself in his shoes. Imagine one of your parents had died and you were the only child. What would you want for your parent?
My mom was a wreck after she lost my dad. I think it's hard enough for parents to let go of their children when they're older and get married, but it would be hard to have a happy family get together for so many years and then all of a sudden you're waking up alone for those special days. After my dad died I doubled my efforts to include my mom in things. I even (shudder) invited her to be in the room when I was in labor. Trust me...I'm not that kind of person. I didn't want anyone but DH to witness the horror. And I'm so thankful that DH is so sensitive to my mom's loneliness. We even took her with us on vacation to visit his mom in Florida last time we went. He's been so understanding, and he doesn't know what it's like to lose a parent. He gets major points for all this. So just really take a step back and try to make the extra effort your husband and FIL needs.
Yeah she totally said that JUST to rub in your face.
Touchy much? I didn't say there shouldn't be any families with only children, I just don't want MY family to only have one child.
But, you're welcome.
Wait, didn't you say it was your grandma's 95th birthday? Why is that getting lost in the shuffle here? There's no way my husband would have a temper tantrum because I wanted to go celebrate Mother's Day, my mom's birthday AND my grandma's 95th birthday on one day. I understand his pain, but that was a *** move. There's no reason why it was okay for him to tweak out about Mother's Day. I'm fairly sure if you had said "he freaked out because I wanted to go celebrate my grandma's 95th birthday" you'd be getting a different reaction.
As far as Christmas, I'm with everyone else and don't understand why your FIL can't just go with you guys.
Some people can't even have ONE child, so I don't know why you are rubbing it in their faces that you already have a child. It's really insensitive.
OP, I think your H is being childish but I think he needs to be allowed a bit of leeway because of his dead mom. I do think both of you need to learn how to compromise a bit better... There's a gray area you're both missing, imo.
Sorry I'm late girls, I was tuning my tiny violin. Good thing too, since it's so clearly needed here.
If it were me- I'd invite your FIL along (unless of course he is a bad guy or something). however i can understand if you'd just want to spend time with your family alone- but really would it hurt anything?
My MIL's dad is a widower and he comes to everything on my FILs side. So when we have Christmas with my FIL's side- he always comes along. I would hate the fact that my husband's gpa is alone on Christmas. I'm sure you could make room for one more and I'm sure he'd greatly appreciate it
Hi there crazycakes! You might want to cover up a bit, your insanity is showing.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
Has your DH received any grief counseling? I lost my mom the week before Dec 2010. I have a sister but I am still very "protective" of my Dad. I realize that he is an adult but the thought of him being without my mom for the holiday(s) freaked me out. Honestly it still does a bit. I won't bore you with all of the details but I was rather stubborn when it came down to figuring out where we were spending the holidays over the past year. Every holiday is a reminder that she is no longer here. Your husband may be stubborn because he is dealing with some of the same issues. I am working on mine but it definitely takes time.
I think your DH was WRONG about Mother's Day (especially since birthdays were involved) and he is wrong that you cannot choose to spend it with them in the future without your children. Did you impose Father's Day rules?
There are a lot more problems you seem to be hinting at about his attitude and behavior. Is it due to grief or has he always been a controlling jerk? I am not saying you are a peach, but I think he needs counseling. Both of you could benefit from it.
You might try a revolving holiday schedule if his Dad gets T day then yours gets Christmas. Would either be willing to have the celebration the week before or after in a compromise? I traveled with my children during the holidays and I regret it with the heat of 10,000 suns. Seeing family without the holiday stress is so much more of an ideal way of life.
You and your H are both assholes and need to just not be assholes and things will work out okay.
I am in the minority so put me in the a-hole camp.
Moving away from family is tough. It svcks when people can travel 10 minutes to see their family, and you can only make phone calls. Holidays are some of the very few times when you can go see family without burning vacation time. They had a sysem that worked, even given the "unfairness" of living close to dh's mom and dad.
Now her H is pulling a lot of cr*p. I can understand "the first Christmas without wife/mother" being sad and needing extra support, but after that I DO NOT think it's fair for the grandparents who only see their grandkids a FEW TIMES A YEAR to have to share them with the OPS FIL. I know many grandparents in similar situations (they are long distance, other grandparents are local) and it really bothers them when they come to visit - but the other grandparent is there. They would like some one-on-one time with their grandkids. And the OP has the right to spend holidays with her family without her FIL, which completely changes the dynamic.
Personally, if my H told me I could go see my mom for mother's day, but couldn't take my kids - I'd laugh in his face. Their MY kids - he doesn't get to dictate where and when I go. He can stay home if he wants.
While I understand he might have been hurting from the loss of his mother, him telling you where you could and couldn't go isn't cool. I don't take people dishing their crap out on others, no matter who they are or what the issue is. Him loosing his mom is sad, and I'm sure he was upset, but he can't take it out on you. MH would have found himself on the receiving end of a dickpunch if he pulled that with me.
The holidays thing, really we have a terrible relationship with my MIL but my parents always invite her to spend Christmas afternoon/evening with them. They live in the same town, and we stay with my parents during Christmas. She's still MH's mother, and while our relationship isn't the greatest, and we don't deal with her often, we certainly don't want her alone during Christmas. Especially now that we have the baby. I don't see why it would be such a big deal to at least ask your parents if they would mind if he came too.