Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
I should be offended, right?
So my engagement/future-in-law situation is different from most...I'm 23, and getting ready to graduate in December with my bachelors degree. My fiancee is 31, and his parents are a little older than mine-later 50's.
On my graduation day is also his father's family (my future f-i-l) giant family Christmas family. His parents and sister and her family are not only not coming to my graduation ceremony (that's one thing), but they're not even leaving the party to come out to the dinner that my fiancee is graciously paying for at an expensive Hibachi grill.
I can be offended that they're not even coming to dinner, right?
Makes me feel like they don't care.
Re: I should be offended, right?
My future inlaws (at the time) did not go to my graduation ceremony. I think MIL wanted to go but I felt weird having them come. Plus FIL really didn't want to drive that far in winter weather. My parents didn't go to H's graduation. I didn't feel offended and neither did H.
I don't get what your ages and his parents' ages have to do with any of this.
Anyway, sounds like they have a long-standing tradition. My family has a Saint Patrick's Day party tradition and I always make it a point to attend (I was super-bummed the one year that I couldn't) ... I wouldn't really want to go sit in an arena for four hours just to hear one name for two seconds. I went to my brother's college graduation a few months ago with our family, and while we were all proud of him we were all commenting on how we couldn't wait to get the hell out of there (even our parents). Hell, my brother was texting and Tweeting from his seat about how bored he was.
And who knows, maybe THEY are offended that you and your FI can't have your celebratory dinner another night and come to their family party. It won't really matter if you celebrate the next night, will it?
And are you really having a graduation ceremony in December? At most colleges I know, you might get your degree in December but you can only walk in May. I've never heard of a ceremony for the December grads.
Are they kind and respectful to you? If so, stop looking for something to be offended about. Just because they're not sitting in the audience being bored by speeches or eating dinner with you that night doesn't mean that they don't give a shiit about you. If not, then consider whether you want to marry into a family that doesn't treat you civilly ... and if you do, discuss with your FI how you will handle this BEFORE you tie the knot.
Eh, it varies from family to family. My in-laws didn't come to my graduation ceremony or dinner, and I didn't expect them to. Neither my parents or in-laws came to the dinner or ceremony the second time I graduated. No biggie to me.
I'm sure they care in their own way, but their long-standing family tradition is probably more important in their eyes than going to graduation stuff. I'd try to just look past it and realize they probably don't mean to slight you.
First, appreciationg (for no better term) of certain accomplishments/traditions/events varies from person to person. Many people do not see college gradutations, especially undergrad, as a multi-generational/extended family sort of celebration. I know my own family dont.
Same thing goes with sending birthday cards (god how many times do we get THAT one here) or buying the first home or eating the "traditional" Christmas dinner, etc.
Different does not mean wrong or a show of dislike, it just means different. You want everyone to like and do the same things, move to Stepford Conn.
Second, can you see how you are being just a BIT self-centered? YOUR request to have them either leave early or miss in its entirety a giant (your own words) family HOLIDAY TRADITION means that EVERYONE in that family is affected, not just the MIL&FIL.
I am not saying that YOU are WRONG for wanting to celebrate your graduation. But at the same time, you have to look at the other perspectives...
You shouldn't feel offended, they are supporting you by coming to your graduation. If they don't want to come to a party, they shouldn't feel guilty... and you shouldn't guilt them. If they are insisting that you need to come theirs instead, that's another story.
Just go and have fun with your fiance and don't worry about the family. Or you could always pop in later. If they didn't care they wouldn't acknowledge it at all.
Also, with this kind of attitude before you even get married or have children, you're in a for a rude awakening with inlaws. People are not always going to come to everything, I think if they make an effort to somehow support you in other ways, give a little!
I would never ever expect in laws to go to a graduation or the party. My future in laws were at mine, but thats because H and I graduated together. They did not attend my masters graduation, nor would I ever have expected them to. My parents didn't even come to my masters graduations (again, I did not expect them to). But to me, its not a big deal. Its a graduation: its something I fully expected to do and wasn't a difficult thing for me to accomplish.
If I ever get a phd, I'm throwing a huge party and I expect people to come
You shouldn't be offended. They shouldn't have to forgo their long-standing tradition to attend a graduation dinner.
Why not attend the family Christmas event with them and celebrate your graduation on a different day?
My DH and I were together when each of us graduated from college (different years, same school) and when he graduated from law school.
His parents didn't come to my graduation, mine didn't go to either of his.
It never, ever occured to either of us to be "offended" by this.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
So they have this big holiday party every year? I do not think you should be offended. Graduations are, IMO, so boring. It's a big crowd and you usually can't see much and the speeches are so dull.
You seem to be looking for something to be offended about. This is NOT it.
If it is so important to you that they be at the dinner, then change the date, right?
Also, I agree with PP. Usually if you finish in December, there might be a small ceremony then, but if you really want the pomp and circumstance, you walk with the class the following spring.
I'm hoping you're not graduating with a degree in English.
what i find interesting is that your FI (knowing how important and what a tradition this christmas thing is) booke your congrats dinner on the same night. if he wanted everyone to come he should've booked it the next night.
and yeah-undergrad graduation-no big deal. i wouldn't go out of my way to attend either.
If you have to ask a bunch of strangers on an Internet board if you should be offended, you are probably looking for reasons to get offended. Life is far to short to spend your life doing that.
And exactly why did your FI schedule the dinner to conflict with a long standing tradition in his family if you both expected his family to be there?
I think you're overreacting a touch.
1. They are not obligated to attend your graduation.
2. If your husband is well aware of his family's long-standing traditional holiday gathering, why can't he plan your graduation dinner celebration for another day when his family might be able to attend?
And seriously, I'm LOLing @ you for "my fiancee is graciously paying for at an expensive Hibachi grill". Hibachi Grill? Seriously?
No, I don't think you should be offended.
You may not mean to, but it does come across a little self-centered to expect your future ILs to miss their big family tradition for your graduation. I didn't even bother going to my graduation, and even if I had, I certainly wouldn't have expected my ILs to go. As long as your ILs treat you with respect and are kind to you, I think you should just let it go. Of course I got married like 2 weeks after I graduated, so I just let them send me the diploma and focused on last minute things.
Though I do have to echo what a few others have said, if your FI knows about this tradition, why did he book the party for the same night? surely he could have waited a day or so until his family was available if it was so important for you to have them there.
They are having a party. Is it at their home? You can not be offended that they are not leaving their home where they are hosts to go to dinner.
I feel like you are being too sensitive in this situation. You will have a terrible relationship with them if you try to read into their every little action. This is not your hill to die on. Wait until they insult you at your wedding or something.
Who has a ceremony in December anyway? That is unusual, no?
My in laws came to neither my Ph.D. defense (July 2010) nor my graduation ceremony (May 2011). My own parents didn't come to my graduation ceremony.
I think you're over-reacting a touch.
No, you shouldn't be offended.
No, you don't have any reason to be offended. People can have conflicting plans, you know. Your invitation is not a subpoena, and the identification of hte person paying for the food is meaningless.
In spite of all of this advice, I think you are going to be offended anyway.
Or get REALLY offended at the first chance they say or do something the slightest bit wrong.
I also agree you shouldn't be offended. Since the long-standing tradition is on his side of the family, your FI should've been the one to realize there is a conflict in scheduling if you both really want everyone to be able to attend dinner and planned accordingly.
Just out of curiosity, is your FI mad that his family can't come or does he understand that they have a prior commitment and can't attend? Did he mention this family event to you before making dinner arrangements and you just assumed they would change their plans for you or was it an honest mistake on his part?
This. Why can't he reschedule. Big events for many people (like a Christmas party) trump a big event for one person (you).
No one wants to go a graduation ceremony, anyway. Doesn't mean they're not happy for you. It means graduation ceremonies are long, boring and crowded.
I wouldn't be offended that they are not skipping what sounds like a family tradition in order to attend a graduation ceremony. Heck, many of the actual graduates I've known over the years haven't even bothered with their own ceremonies, let alone expected other people to sit through it.
I've graduated three times - BA, MS, PhD - and the only reason I made it through the long, boring ritual was I wanted the extremely brief thrill of receiving my degree/being hooded. I'd worked hard for it. But it never even occurred to me to invite my future ILs to my last graduation (the one for which they were in the picture). Why would they want to sit around all that time to see me spend 15 seconds getting hooded? Especially if they had an already planned, long standing, family celebration the same day? They congratulated me at another time and that was more than enough.
It's a good point for you to start learning that over the years in a marriage, schedules are going to conflict. Your ILs will not make it to everything that is important to you, and vice versa. My MIL didn't make it to my baby shower...she was out of the country and we couldn't delay due to my travel restrictions nor was she interested in coming back a week and a half early. You get over it and you move on. It sucks sometimes, but in the grand scheme of things it's really not a dealbreaker most of the time.
Congratulations on your upcoming graduation! It is a great accomplishment!
I graduated in December and we had the ceremony then.
Anyway, this is not something worth getting offended about IMHO. Just enjoy your day.