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My anxiety has been horrible lately.
Last week I had agoraphobia so badly that I didn't leave the house from Tuesday to Saturday. I would nearly have panic attacks thinking about just walking to my car. That got better, but my anxiety is still through the roof. I'm taking the maximum dose of Klonopin that my doctor has prescribed, and it's helping a bit (because I usually just take half of it, but I had to bump it up), but it's still awful.
I'm going to my psychiatrist today for my regular check in, so I will definitely bring this up to him. But it's been this way since about my birthday. I think it's family/holiday related. But I am really getting tired of it, and I don't know what my doctor can do other than up my Klonopin, but if I take much more than this, it just knocks me out.
Ugh. Just a rant.
Re: My anxiety has been horrible lately.
Sorry for your troubles.
Thank you. I'm almost positive it is. Usually the freakouts don't happen until after Halloween, but after the whole birthday thing (http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/58932038.aspx), it's sort of come on a week early. I try to work retail every year to get my mind off of everything, but since I was sick for a bit, I missed interview time and probably won't get to do it this year, so I will have plenty of time to worry about the holidays and dealing with stupid family stuff.
My mom called the Monday after my birthday (the day after my birthday did not go well; she spent the whole time mad because we were doing what I wanted to do instead of taking my niece to the park all day even though it was only like 55 degrees) and hasn't called me since. That's a week and a half, which is pretty long for her. So I think she's mad at me. And I don't want to talk to her anyway, but at the same time it bugs me that she won't call.
Her birthday is the 10th. I forget every year until, like October 20th, so I haven't bought her a gift yet. I'm worried she will want to go to dinner with everyone and I will have to see my sister, and while I could say no to that for MY birthday, I can't really say no to it for hers.
Ugh.
ETA: Speak of the devil, she just called me.
A guy I know who is a job counselor suggests it --- write down everything you have done from embryo up until now that's been acclaimed or an accomplishment.
Include everything -- you'll pretty much wind up with a book but that's a good thing.
I guarantee you you'll feel real good about yourself after that, especially now during this time period of your life.
I don't know that I've ever actually done this, but I don't really struggle with self-worth/self-esteem too much on the whole. I know that I am good, and that I have done good, and that I will continue to be and do good. But I will still have to deal with the family stuff.
My psychiatrist told me that I just need to keep saying no, and if they don't like it, that isn't my problem. I bought my mother's birthday present, and I plan to mail it to her. I will not attend any dinner if my sister is there, and I don't have to do anything with anyone for the holidays; I can mail their gifts to them then, too.
He also told me to move far, far away. If it weren't for wanting to be close to DH's family, I definitely wouldn't be opposed to that.
I'm really sorry to hear that you are struggling with this right now. I struggle with anxiety too and after having my daughter in April 2010 I had severe post-partum anxiety. I actually ended up on a six month leave of absence from work earlier this year because of my anxiety (my job was/is a big factor). The night before I went on leave, I woke H up in the middle of the night sobbing because DD had gotten up to eat and I was certain if I put her back in her crib, she was going to die.
I wish I could say something that would help but I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. I hope your psychiatrist is able to help you find a new solution that will give you some relief.
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
BV, I forget, are you in talk therapy too? If so, maybe your therapsit can help you with some interventions to assist in managing your anxiety.
ETA: I read the thread about your family drama (which I agree is a huge factor here) and I wanted to answer a question you asked. Someone can grow out of Borderline Personality Disorder, but not at age 27. And not all do. Those who do seem to outgrow it appear to do so in their 40s & 50s...at a certain point no one will tolerate them in their current state and they have to change, is the thinking. As long as your parents are enabling your sister, this pattern will continue unchanged. Good for you for setting and enforcing strong boundaries with them!
I am in talk therapy as well. We talk primarily about my family issues and how to deal with them. We don't talk about the anxiety as much as it is usually well-controlled. I did feel a lot better after talking to my psychiatrist yesterday, though. I think my issue was that I wanted to say no to all of the holiday things required of me, but I felt sort of guilty about it, like saying no was this horrible selfish thing. He made me realize that it's okay to say no, and even healthy if that's what's going to keep me sane and happy.
I've heard of people outgrowing BPD. I cannot see my sister being one of these people, unfortunately. Maybe after my parents die and she has no one to enable her.
Of course, she might be dead by then. I mean, she's flying across the country with a guy she met on the internet four months ago. This does not seem like a good idea to me.
You're right, that doesn't sound like a good idea. I'm sure you're used to the instability in relationships and the poor decision making, though that doesn't make it easier to deal with. (I have a teenage client with borderline PD right now, it's exhausting.)
It's good that you're feeling better, and that you're more comfortable with saying no now. I just suggested the talk therapist for anxiety help if you needed/wanted any specific relaxation or mindfulness training. Support from all angles when you're dealing with this kind of BS.
My therapist says he stopped dealing with BPD patients years ago because they were so exhausting and often not rewarding in the least bit.
I agree with you there. Although my sister was diagnosed with BPD, I sometimes wonder if she has histrionic instead. But she also meets all but, I think, one of the DSM-IV qualifications for BPD.
I agree that good work can be done, but like with any patient, they have to WANT to change (and the enabling sources are no help, either). And when you have someone who is convinced that the problem is everyone else, not them, they're not usually too willing to change.