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Thanksgiving WWYD?
The Halloween candy plaque is still fresh on my teeth, but I'm already thinking about Thanksgiving and am interested to hear some other folks' opinions on a dilemma I have.
We are expecting to spend Thanksgiving at home this year, which would normally entail cooking a simple but delightful meal and generally enjoying ourselves. In years past, we would have normally also invited my brother over, who lives nearby and wouldn't usually otherwise have anything else to do. After he got married, we would invite him and SIL. After my niece came along, we would naturally invite the three of them to family holiday events at our house if other extended family members around weren't hosting anything.
[personal details redacted]
Can I get away with not inviting them to our house for Thanksgiving? Is it awful of me to not want to be around that level of dysfunction on a precious holiday off with my own family? Or should I suck it up in the name of family unity and getting the little cousins together?
Re: Thanksgiving WWYD?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'd probably still invite them. I'd have a hard time excluding them on the basis of someone else's opinion of the behavior.
Plus, the 3 year old is a toddler. Most toddlers are feral. Somtimes DS acts like a demon sent to earth to punish us. And then, sometimes he acts like the sweetest angel ever. And people remark about what a good boy he is, and then it's our cue to leave asap before he does something to get that opinion revoked...
My questions too. Do you think your mother is only seeing one side of the story or something is getting lost in translation? I think unless you witness the behavior yourself, than it'd be hard to not invite them based on what someone else says. If they are having problems, do you think those will show up on that particular day? They might be able to put their problems aside to spend a nice dinner w/ their family. IDK your family though.
Of course you can always do whatever you want and if a simple Thanksgiving with your own family is what you want, I think you are within your right to have that. I wouldn't exclude someone that I wanted to invite though based on someone else's perspective on their relationship.
I think you are right to be nervous about it and I think that you are in no way obligated to invite anyone to your house.
I would probably still invite them, though. I wouldn't want to punish them for something that my mom said. Of course, after dinner is over, I might be wishing I had followed Mom's advice, but that just means they don't get an invitation next time.
The fact is I don't see them all that often, since they have different schedules from us (we are M-F workers, they are not). [personal details redacted]
Mind you, there's not going to be any Maury-style crap worthy of kicking anyone out of the house. The worst I'll fare is to be somewhat annoyed and feeling awkward. But beyond that I'm thinking if nothing else I should be able to see for myself what's going on because I'm growing increasingly concerned about my brother (head in the sand tendencies, not a lot of solid relationship experience) and by extension my niece (who I am concerned is not being adequately socialized).
This is where I am at. I would invite them, and if they behave poorly remember not to mess with it next year.
I hope that no one refers to my toddler as feral, but all the same, it would break my heart if I were not invited to a holiday because my mom was talking smack about me.
If they come over, she throws your china against the wall and they laugh, then yeah, they don't get invited back.
To be clear, my mom's observations aren't so much "talking smack" so much as raising alarm bells that things I have personally observed myself in the past -- things we've both been observing over time -- have deteriorated to a bad point.
And I get that toddlers can be, well, toddlers, but the relative from whom that "feral" comment came (a) is one of the most kind-hearted people in my extended family and (b) raised three toddlers of her own to almost-adulthood, including one severely autistic one. So I don't think she's being unreasonable in her expectations or assessment.
I'll make it a point to reach out at this time to see if there's any validation for these deeper concerns and any receptiveness on the part of my brother for any support he may need -- though based on his track record, I'm guessing no.
And I'm thinking about DDing some of the info in the OP since it seems like a lot of personal info out there.
Sorry, I was trying to be humorous there. I guess I meant that if someone had said my kid behaved badly and in turn other people quit inviting me to family events, I would be heartbroken.
I still think that there needs to be an incident before you un-invite them. Its hard raising a toddler, which I'm sure you know. I just think that this would be really damaging to the relationship.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
The past details of your brother and his family are fuzzy, but is there any way you could invite them over for a post-Thanksgiving dinner over the weekend?
That way you and your family can enjoy the holiday in peace and still offer the olice branch to your relatives