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Not really a TIP but need advice
My husband had surgery at the beginning of Sept. He has to have a second surgery at the end of this month. He has been out on short term disability since the first surgery. I love him so much and love spending time with him, but he has been at home all the time while on disability. He can go anywhere, pretty much, and do whatever he wants during the day when I am at work but when I get off he wants me to come home and sit with him. I really need some "me" time and I am finding myself looking forward to him going back to work so I can have some time for myself. I feel bad about feeling this way because when he was working all the time I felt lonely, and wished he was home. My problem is that while he can pretty much go out and around our town, he cant travel long distances or stay out too long because of his recovery. So we cant go to the mall (over an hour away), he doesn't feel like going out to eat, we can't go to movies (also over an hour away). I just want him to be better so our lives can get back to normal and today all of a sudden I find myself dreading going home because I know I wont get any alone time at all.
How can I stop feeling like this? I dont want to resent his surgery because it has helped his health SO much.
Re: Not really a TIP but need advice
"In sickness and in health."
Put yourself in his shoes FFS.
So say, "I'd really like to go see movie X, I'll see you in three hours!"
This is really not as hard as you're making it.
Well it's a short-term thing, right? That's why I don't get your impatience. When is he slated to be cleared to go back to work?
I mean, care-giving is hard, to be sure, but it sounds like he's not even all that demanding. Do you have any plans to have children in the future? Do you know what that will do to your "me time"?
Why not stop off at a bookstore on the way home for a few minutes? Heck, since having a kid, I consider my weekly trip to the grocery store to be valuable "me time."
He goes back to work Jan 1. I know it is only a short amount of time and I am not really upset about it I am just looking for suggestions as to what I can do to not start being irritated.
The library idea is a good one I might do that. What annoys me is that He wants me to come home, but when I get there all he wants to do is play video games and I have nothing to do, so if I get a good book maybe I will be a little less bored.
Thanks!
Can you sign up for a class? Exercise, cooking, sewing, whatever? Or join a book club? Go to the dog park? Enroll in a volunteer program? Go out for girls night? Get a manicure? Drive by yourself to the mall for an afternoon of shopping?
This is not rocket science.
Yeah this is what happens when you live in the boonies on the edge of a small town.. Our biggest attractions were Wal-Mart and Lowes and now the Lowes is closing...
I would say "I don't mind coming home to hang out with you, but I'm not going to sit around and watch you play video games. On Monday and Thursdays, I am going to XYZ and you can play your game. If you want me to hang out with you the other nights, let's do something other than play video games."
Do you guys play board games? Enjoy any of the same TV shows? Have similar taste in movies?
Since Jan 1 is the "end date", make the rest of his unemployment into fun stuff - "let's do these five things together before you go back to work".
I agree about talking with him regarding your feelings. I don't think doing something for yourself for a few hours is really that big of a deal. However with that said, I have had surgery and a lengthy recovery where I could not really leave the couch or apartment for several weeks/months for very long periods of time. I understand how hard it was on BF at the time, but he was all I had minus a few people that visited me very infrequently. I sat by myself all day with the dogs and it was a very lonely time. I couldn't wait until he came home so I had someone to talk to and be with.
That time was very hard for both of us, but talking about our feelings and him getting away from the situation for a few hours at a time helped him. In turn, I asked other people to come visit me and when they couldn't, I called and emailed friends. I think there are some options here, but it's important to have communication about how you both feel.
Do you even need to say "You are too demanding." He's just had surgery for goodness sake. Life sucks for him right now. He doesn't need you to tell him that he's too demanding. He probably knows it.
Just do something once a week that takes a couple of hours. Craft in the kitchen for goodness sake. Take a walk in the neighborhood.
What did you do to entertain yourself before he had surgery? I'd suggest doing that.
I have to agree with everything said here. While I can relate to you here, I dont get your impatience either. My H was in a firework accident, endured a traumatic brain injury and the extent of what he went through would be an entire post in its own but a quick run recap is- he was hospitalized a month, had to have 24hr supervision for 3 months once home, had rehab 2x a week plus numerous dr appointments, usually 3 a week and has had 4 additional brain surgeries in 1 years time. He was unable to drive for a year and was out of work for 15 months. So he was either home or at the hospital for 15 months and was completely reliant on me for everything. We are going on the 17th month and still dealing with drs and rehab but he is able to drive and work part time/ finally go out on his own.
Never in any of this did I find myself frustrated that I needed "me" time so I do have a hard time sympathizing with you here. Like another poster said- for better or worse, sickness and in health. We had a long term goal of him recovering to his pre-accident state and just worked toward getting him there, whatever it took. During his time home, he always wanted me home with him too because he was lonely once I went back to work. Your H is probably experiencing that. Now I did have family and friends that came to visit with us quite a bit so maybe that would be an option for you? I had 1 friend that came over every other Fri night, the first 2 months H was home and her and I would hang outside, drink wine and eat dinner. This probably helped me more than I realized at the time.
Some suggestions for you of things I/we did during this time: I got a nook and would read a lot while home with him. I have always enjoyed cooking and would cook daily, every dinner from scratch. We got into a few tv series shows and would spend time watching the entire series together. This helped pass a lot of the time for us. Not sure what your husbands limitations are but once my H was supposed to start getting more exercise, the only thing he could do for awhile was walk so we started talking walks together. We also came up with small, inexpensive home projects that he was able to do (with Drs approval). So maybe talk to his Dr about some activities he can do once able, even if its something small and maybe you can help him with it. Maybe counseling will help you deal with this so you dont resent him in the long run. That could be a period of you time that would be positive.
We DONT need counseling, we have a great marriage. Its just that we used to go places A LOT. We would ride up to the mall to walk around or go out to eat. I dont resent him, I love him. I am just trying to get ideas of things I can do so that I dont begin to resent being stuck at home.
He likes for me to be at home with him and he is content to sit and play video games while expecting me to just sit in the room with him. I get up and he says "Where are you going". He just likes me here and I get bored.. Some of you are being really snarky about something that I was just trying to prevent..
Thanks to those who gave unsnarky advice.
I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect some me-time as a caregiver, and Wine Enthusiast I think you're full of shiit for saying that you wanted NONE while going through all of that. Caregiver stress is a fact, there are support groups about it!
Poster - I totally get you, I love the time I have to myself when I get home from work earlier than my husband and I actually get bummed out when he gets home early. I am someone who requires a little bit of solitude every day.
It is lonely and daunting to be injured but it's also good to learn how to be resourceful and entertain oneself. All you need to do is make some plans and say, "honey I'm going over to Friend's house tonight for an hour after work."
If he is playing video games while you're sitting there just being there, I'd examine his deeper issues of being unable to be alone. In fact I'd take the next time he does this as an opportunity to say, "yo dude you wanted me home with you but now you are ignoring me, so what is up with that?"
Yeah that's right my name's Yauch!
Just talk to him. Tell him that you love him and want to hang out, but don't want to sit around the living room and watch him play video games. Surely he would understand that. My DH can be like that too, before we had the baby, I would read a book or flip through my cooking magazine and let him play. Maybe see about something the two of you can do together around the house or even if there's a game you could play together.
I do not think there is anything wrong with taking some time to yourself though. Tell him that you are going to be home at x time on such and such day and then do whatever you want during that extra time. I have to do that sometimes too. I adore my daughter, she's my world, but there are times that I have to tell my husband "I'm going wherever and I'll be back at x time."
Good luck!
Well I guess I was so grateful he lived and that there was hope for a positive outcome in the end that I didnt mind all the time I would have to dedicate to his recovery. I was initially told he would be brain dead and even if he had brain activity he'd likely blind so when I found out later that neither was true, all I wanted was the recovery to go as smoothly as possible. Plus the doctors had prepped me for what the recovery process was going to be like so I knew before he left the hospital and I was beyond relieved that he was getting to go home. Leaving to go back to work was more stressful than having to devote my time at home/drs/rehabs. I imagine it would be different if it were scheduled surgeries vs a trauma but in either scenario the most important thing is the health and recovery of the one you love.
And KateG528- I wasnt suggesting you didnt have a good marriage, just that the counseling may benefit you from becoming resentful (since you said you were afraid of that in op). I didnt even suggest couples counseling, but rather counseling for you to deal with your emotions and to have some you time. There is nothing wrong or negative about counseling so I'm sorry if you felt that was a negative.
Yeah, I'm not saying at all that you're wrong for wanting me time. I'm saying you've probably been being a caregiver and catering to what he wants for long enough that you've kind of forgotten that you can just like, go and DO stuff. At least, that's been my issue in the past. pub trivia is surprisingly fun even without a team, heh.
I'll add that if I were expected to sit on the couch and watch my H game every single night I'd smother him in his sleep. I wouldn't have a 'you suck; I'm blowing this popsicle stand' talk with him, but I would have a, 'do you honestly think just sitting here watching you do something fun is fun for me' talk. Be less specific in terms of you wanting to ditch his boring ass in favor of, 'I heard about X and it sounds super fun but not your scene. I'll see you at 10 and tell you all about it!'
Lurker here, I know you need "me" time, but something you said about him just wanting you home, but then ignoring you most of the time made me think of something.
I had a massive knee surgery a few years ago, which led to a second one, and to me being out of work for a few months. I developed anxiety and depression because of the sitting around, resting, and being alone all day. I was kind of the same with my DH - wanted him home, but then sat and watched tv the whole time. They put me on some meds and it made a HUGE difference for all of us. Is it possible your DH might need a little temporary help?
Otherwise, I would talk to him and let him know that one night a week or whatever, you'd like to have some alone time to do whatever you want, so that you can have a break. Perfectly reasonable request IMO.
Laptop, I agree entirely. My dh isn't disabled, and I need 'me' time daily or I get pretty stressed.
OP, his insistence that you sit there and watch him play video games is pretty miserable. He's not really doing badly, it's just a few months of surgery/rehab stuff; I don't see why yoou cannot say "I'm sorry, dear, but this is just not relaxing for me and I need to unwind. I'm going for a walk/the mall/McDonalds, would you like to come with me? No? Ok, see you in a hour/two hours". He may be depressed, but this just sounds more like a case of "I'm home all day like a teenager before his first job and I do just what I want when I want and I wanna play videos all day and I want Mommy to watch me get to the fifteenth level". You get to not engage in that.
Actually, I don't see where any of the snark is coming from either.
I have a hard time when DH gets sick. With a cold even. He's just sort of a diva when he's sick. He's grouchy and whiny, and acts like he's dying. When I've got a cold, I just hack up a lung while going about my everyday business. Don't they call it the man flu or something like that?
Anyway, I actually try to avoid DH a bit when he's sick.
So yeah, if he had something more serious, I'd definitely need a bit of time away to decompress.
OP, what was the surgery for? For some reason, I'm thinking it was some sort of weight loss surgery. Am I close? You referenced how much this surgery is going to help his health, which is why I'm thinking that. If that is the case, I can also see why you'd resent his clingy-ness a bit.
Just have an honest conversation with him. I wouldn't say anything like you need a break from him, but maybe just say something like you want to have some alone time or relaxation time.