Sex & Romance
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Confused??
My boyfriend and I are in our 30's, we have been dating for about 6 months now and still have not had sex. He says it is a problem on his end, he has been to a Dr and all test came back good. There is no medical issue with him but he cannot get an erection around me. I am beginning to think that he is not turned on by me. Please help....this is very frustrating for me!!!!!
Re: Confused??
Have you witnessed the lack of erection? or is this a claim on his end that nothing is happening?
If you've caressed him, made out with him, etc and nothing, there's a problem.
He needs to see another physician.
Does he have morning erections? Does he get erections when he is visually stimulated -- when he's reading stuff like Penthouse?
If he's having no erections at all, there's a big problem.
He needs to see another doc, like I said -- he needs to have the doc rule out cardiac issues, ciruclatory problems, a low testosterone level and to rule out thyroid problems. All of these can cause lots of havoc with erectile function.
If the work up comes back clean as a whistle, maybe his problem is a psychological one -- he needs to see a sex therapist.
If it's neither psychological or organic in nature, you need to decide if you want to stay with someone who is unable to perform.
Here's another long shot:
Have you actually seen him naked? Have you actually fondled his penis and testes?
If you haven't because he refuses to let you, there's a problem.
Maybe he's very underendowed and you haven't seen that to witness it; if he is claiming that he can't produce an erection when he's being intimate with you (and you've not been able to get close enough to see the lack of erection yourself) something's wrong on his end and he's not fessing up.
I'm thinking other far out scenarios: maybe he's a transexual or transgender and he hasn't had that part of the surgery yet. Maybe he has some type of chromosomal genetic disorder; some of them disallow full secondary sexual development.
There are other issues that may be at hand but who knows? You need to find out what's what.
Either way, you need to get down to the bottom of this, so to speak.
I for one would not stay with a guy who cannot be intimate with me -- of course, if you are fine with that arrangement, it is up to you.
What happens if you marry this guy and you want to have kids? What about your sex drive and your sex life? How would you satisfy that end of it --- unless he okays an open relationship for you.
What you need to do -- and pronto:
Sit down with him and TALK.
Be open, be frank and do not sugar coat it. Tell him that you need to see action on his end -- he needs to see another doc -- and if he has not permitted you to see him naked or touch his penis, he needs to tell you why.
Has he ever been sexually active? if so, what was his sex life like with the women he was with?
There also may be a chance he is gay and he cannot perform with women, even if he fantasizes.
Find out what's happening here..
Good luck.
PS: he is claiming it is a problem on his end -- what is he actively doing about it to help YOU???
It's also a show of character...or noncharacter, depending upon what type of action he is taking to work on this with YOU.
It sounds psychological.
Does he tell you he cannot get an erection around you, or have you two tried to have sex and it has failed due to him being limp? If he is only telling you this and not trying, then that would be a red flag to me.
Is it possible that he is unable to get an erection because he is in reality a homosexual and battling/struggling with that? Many people who are questioning their sexual orientation pursue a "normal" relationship with a person of the opposite sex for fear of backlash from family and/or friends.
I have no suggestions on how to bring that topic up in conversation, but if you two have been dating that long, I think it would be good to have an open, frank conversation about why you two have not had sex yet.
Does he tell you he cannot get an erection around you, or have you two tried to have sex and it has failed due to him being limp? If he is only telling you this and not trying, then that would be a red flag to me.
A couple more details will help -- if this is a claim and you haven't seen for certain he cannot produce an erection in your presence, it's a red flag.
Like I said, if you haven't seen him naked and he refuses to and/or he refuses to let you near his privates, I'd run like hell and pronto.
Is it possible that he is unable to get an erection because he is in reality a homosexual and battling/struggling with that? Many people who are questioning their sexual orientation pursue a "normal" relationship with a person of the opposite sex for fear of backlash from family and/or friends.
Sure...and a lot of gay men have a nice closet to hide in, too, thanks to what you have described.
He may or may not be gay -- there are many gay men who are able to have sex with women; I am guessing there are many who cannot.
Whatever the scenario is here, like I said, you need to talk to him and asap. Before you invest any more time and trouble in this relationship, do so.
And if he's hesitant to talk or he does nothing about his problem after the chat, I'd bail if I were you. Don't waste your time fishing where the fishing stinks.
I need more information. Tarpon has been more than helpful with her response, but they're all speculation. It's impossible to advise on the situation without additional info.
First question - have you been intimate, and have you actually seen his penis? Can you confirm that he has a penis??