Starting Over
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
speaking of "bad" guys
My problem is that all the "bad" (as in bad for you) guys are the ones I'm attracted to and not so much the "good" guys. Aside from bad guys being exciting, living life dangerously, blah, blah...I always seem to find them more attractive than the nice guys. And it sucks because I get asked out by some really nice guys however I'm NEVER attracted to them 
Am I alone in this? Do I just have bad taste? (Haha pun!) If so, it is possible to change your "taste" in men?
Am I alone in this? Do I just have bad taste? (Haha pun!) If so, it is possible to change your "taste" in men?
Re: speaking of "bad" guys
Haha! I agree! Wish I could meet some of those types.
You might find counselling helpful. It would be good for you to find out why you want to engage in risky behavior that can adversely affect your entire life. Maybe you're re-living your gottarebelagainstmommyanddaddyandtherules times, maybe in some sick twisted way for some reason in your past you're repeating a pattern where you get atttention from bad situations. But normal people don't generally get repeatedly drawn to people who damage them.
So maybe get some therapy, so you can relearn how to define love, affection, relationships, whatever, so you can have a normal relationship with someone other than someone who is bad for you. Yes, it's possible to change.
After you go through a few situations where the bad guys who initially turned you on wind up being complete jerks and yell at you, treat you poorly, put you down, leave you for someone else, and then you spend some time thinking about what you really want out of a relationship, but more importantly what you deserve, they won't look quite so appealing anymore.
You'll learn that someone is labeled a "bad boy" for a reason. And even if you marry one they won't change. Trust me on that one.
I understand. For the longest time, I was attracted to alpha male a-holes...and if we're being honest, that type of guy still turns my head. But after my divorce, I sat down and listed the qualities I wanted in a man (patience, honor, a sense of humor) and dated only "nice guys." Eventually, I met my husband.
It wasn't love (or even attraction) at first sight. I had to ignore my jerk-seeking instincts for a while, but an attraction *did* bloom as we grew closer, and I fell in love with him. Now we've been married seven years, and I feel like he's the best thing that ever happened to me.
You're not alone in your attraction to dillholes. Like the pp's suggested, maybe talk to a therapist to determine why you're sabotaging yourself. And if a good guy asks you out and you're not feeling sparks in the beginning, give it a chance.
I think you need to work on yourself before you start dating. The "bad boy" usually gives you lots of (negative) attention, but eventually you'll get sick of being treated like crap. Figure out why you need that attention. If a guy treats you like crap while you're dating he isn't going to become prince charming when you get married.
There are plenty of good guys who can act like bad boys- live on the edge, take risks, etc- but it doesn't have to be how they live every aspect of their life.
I've always been attracted to the good guys...except for XH. I thought he was one of those good-guys-with-edge types, but I was very, very wrong.
So, um, yeah. I'll ditto suesue since I don't have any great advice here.
Everyone I've ever dated was a good guy that turned out to treat me like crap. My current BF is a "bad boy" who treats me like gold so go figure. Maybe I'm just not a good girl after all.
The only advice I could give you is what I learned in therapy. My attraction to men that are completely wrong for me is a game I play with myself. I go for emotionally/physically unavailable men to see if I could "win" them. I never win. My current BF was physically unavailable to me at first because we were both dating other people...well I was married and he was dating someone else but we continued to hang and he broke up with his GF and I got divorced and we stuck together and I couldn't be happier. This is one exception to the rule I guess.
I think "types" of people are overrated. I've found out that people who personify a type usually prove to be something they are not.
What does he do that makes him a bad boy?
Well compared to my EXs he's definitely rough around the edges. He has a past record of getting in trouble with the law (assault charges), He drinks and smokes and does recreational drugs (nothing hard..just marijuana), has a child, drives fast, and he's not afraid to be adventurous: we've been known to have public sex...haha but that's me, not him. He's nothing that I would normally ever have dated because he's just a bad boy. I usually play it safe, and I am so madly in love with this man because of how genuine and kind and warm he is. I know if anyone reads this they'll be thinking how man oh man I really picked a winner, but really? People make mistakes and turn their lives around. He's aware of his past and he's trying to make a better life for himself and I am blown away by him every day. I gave him the benefit of the doubt with an open mind and I'm so glad I did.
I hope he succeeds in improving himself as a man, because with the laundry list of activities you mentioned he does not seem like a good role model for his child.
I've also learned though that some people make mistakes. Its something that happened 15 years ago. I didn't know him then, so it doesn't affect me. It was nothing felonious. Things that happen during our current relationship affect me and the only way I know him is how he treats me and he's awesome, so it is what it is. I've made mistakes in my past that I'm not proud of and I would like the option to move on and grow and learn from those mistakes without judgment so I give the same that I expect to get.
*Sigh* Yeah I get what you're saying. His son is not in his custody due to his past and every day he feels terrible for his choices. That is why he started his life over. It's unfortunate, but things happen. He is well aware that he fvcked up and I respect that. It's not like he's running around pretending that his life wasn't the way it was. Shiiit happens I guess, and what's the point of trying to dwell on it? Why not try to make it better and learn from the mistakes instead of consistently fvcking up over and over again with an "I don't care" attitude? I commend him for making a concious effort to be a better person because I know many people who wouldn't even take that step.
You sound like a fixer.
Good luck with that.
So he's not still smoking pot and driving fast? That also happened 15 years ago? Because those are more examples of bad decision making skills.
But, eh, you sound like a trainwreck too, so I guess it's mutual at least.
I'll be the first to admit that I am and always will be a trainwreck. I'm not normal and normal people scare the fvck out of me, so why the heck not? I'm functional and trying the best I can to enjoy my life and I'm not going to be stuffy and judge people because I'm far from perfect. Everyone is not for everyone, friends or relationships. Whats good for you might not be for me, so why not just let bygones be bygones.
How long have you been seeing each other that you are so confident he is the one exception to the rule?
http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/58470803.aspx
That's the update. The original appears to have been deleted.
Best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, just saying. You should read "CoDependent No More" it is quite enlightening.
You remind me of an 19 YO on Dr. Phil who was dating someone in his '40's who was a bad boy and had lost custody of his children. Her parents were distraught and she just kept yelling "I don't hold his past against him, I'm not judgemental and I know people can change".
Oh, and I was married to a bad boy who I thought was reformed. Everything he had done was at least 5-10 years before we dated (drugs, time in jail, etc.) I thought he just needed a good woman to encourage him to do better. He had a steady job, came from a solid family, etc. Fast forward after three and a half years of marriage I was 8 months pregnant and he had lost his job, was on drugs, and was cheating. Guess his past became his future.
PS: his favorite line was "I've made some mistakes in life but I cannot dwell on the past" or something similar, but with worse grammar.
LOL
I think a favorite quote written on his FB page was "commen sence, you eather have it or you dont got it". Everytime I recall something like this I cringe just a little more inside and wonder if I was walking around braindead for about six years.
I guess I should be a cocaine and Rx pill addicted "bisexual" then, but guess what, I'm not. People change. I know from experience because I'm not the person I used to be, because if I didn't change, I would have OD'ed by now. I'm 6 years clean and not sleeping with everything that moves, but then again I am a trainwreck and the star of this thread because you all know you want to assess my life and get all judgey and eye rolley. I will never play the victim because I am not a victim. I made my own life choices and chose the path that I am on. So what, I'm fvcked up. In my own way, it works for me because I feel happy for the first time in YEARS. I will never fall into the category of having a "normal healthy relationship" or life for that matter. My therapist probably laughs at me when I leave his office, and I'm okay with that because most people think I'm not right. Who am I trying to impress? No one. I'm honest about my life and myself because it's who I am and I could only be me, no one else.
I remember you've mentioned that before! Ha!
Oh man. Good stuff. Although it's kind of sad, isn't it?
Why do you put "bisexual" and "normal healthy relationship" in quotes?
It leads me to believe that you don't think either one actually exists. Hm.
You go with your bad self then, literally. And good for you for getting clean, I mean that.
All I am saying is to really look at the person you are dating. Red flags begin waving furiously in my head whenever I hear something about someone's past not being held against them. To me it translates to "I've done some really fvcked up things in my life that are likely still following me around. However, I really, really want to get in your pants therefore I'm telling you all of this. I don't want to discuss my past and don't ask me too many questions about it because I'm trying my best not to be reminded, think about, or analyze what or why I have done the things I've done. It's the PAST so don't hold it against me".