Smoking

jennuinne

DH smoked weed and cigars when we met.  Then, he gave up the weed only smoked cigars.  For a while, he smoked cigarettes b/c they were cheaper.  I hated all of this and he finally quit.  I say if we're going to have kids, he can't be killing himself and leave us early.  Anyways, he's started working a lot of hours and started smoking cigars when he gets home.  He feels he "deserves" this for how hard he's working.  I don't see the connection.  A beer, fine.  It's been a while since he stopped, and now I feel like I have to fight this battle all over again...it's stinky and unhealthy and I hate it!

So, do you or DH/SO smoke?  Do you care?  Any suggestions?

kinmir30

DH and I went through the same thing with him smoking cigarettes.....He doesn't now and hasn't for almost 2 years (In Jan).....

 

Suggestions...Have you explained how it makes you feel? Or what your feelings are about it?

That's all the suggestions I have. Sorry. Personally, I'd just get pissed and give the cold shoulder....but that's my own problem that causes arguments. haha. 

jennuinne

kinmir30:

DH and I went through the same thing with him smoking cigarettes.....He doesn't now and hasn't for almost 2 years (In Jan).....

 

Suggestions...Have you explained how it makes you feel? Or what your feelings are about it?

That's all the suggestions I have. Sorry. Personally, I'd just get pissed and give the cold shoulder....but that's my own problem that causes arguments. haha. 

I threaten no sex/no kids unless he stops, but 1) that doesn't work and 2) that's not very healthy.

kinmir30

jennuinne:

kinmir30:

DH and I went through the same thing with him smoking cigarettes.....He doesn't now and hasn't for almost 2 years (In Jan).....

 

Suggestions...Have you explained how it makes you feel? Or what your feelings are about it?

That's all the suggestions I have. Sorry. Personally, I'd just get pissed and give the cold shoulder....but that's my own problem that causes arguments. haha. 

I threaten no sex/no kids unless he stops, but 1) that doesn't work and 2) that's not very healthy.

I'd also probably do the same thing, along with being constantly pissed....but I would also constantly explain how unhappy it makes me. I agree that that's not very healthy. 

sarack

I tried cigarettes a few months ago and smoked a couple handful of cigarettes. when h found out, he said it is a serious deal breaker for him and if i continue it'd be grounds for divorce.

it is a serious issue for him so i just won't do it again.

i don't think he deserves a cigarette... you work hard too, right? i think he's just using his new stress as an excuse.

kinmir30

sarack:

I tried cigarettes a few months ago and smoked a couple handful of cigarettes. when h found out, he said it is a serious deal breaker for him and if i continue it'd be grounds for divorce.

it is a serious issue for him so i just won't do it again.

i don't think he deserves a cigarette... you work hard too, right? i think he's just using his new stress as an excuse.

agreed. well-stated. 

 

it's also grounds for divorce for me if it continued for a period of time with no hope of quitting

amandasw

I don't have advice from personal experience, but I can understand the problem (and why he's picked it up again).  I guess I would liken it to H 'deserving' to plan video games or something after a long day - however this doesn't kill him, just annoy me, lol.  Cigars are his guilty pleasure or whatever, so have you asked him whether he thinks he could honestly find a different (less dangerous) guilty pleasure?  Obviously a beer isn't it, maybe there's something else he could find - although I realize it sort of defeats the purpose since this is his 'thing'.  But hopefully you can have a good discussion where he remembers all the reasons he stopped.

Tygirljojo

H smokes, almost a pack a day.  I've been on him to quit for a long time and he has a couple times (both with the help of chantix) but the stress gets him back.  The one saving grace is he doesn't smoke in the house or his car.  I understand he is physically addicted, but I always tell him there will always be stress, he just needs to figure out another way to deal with it.  I'm lucky where *knock on wood* I can smoke, but I don't get addicted.  Not sure why, but at the "peak" of my smoking, I smoked like 6-7 cigarettes/day, but I don't have withdrawls when I stop and I can and do stop cold turkey.  I actually had him look into a hypnotherapist who I had called up asking for info & we shall see if he goes through with it and it works.

jennuinne

I'm not sure if he's "addicted" or not, but it's certainly his vice.  Like coffee for me, I can not drink it, but I don't want to.  He feels like he "deserves" a beer too, but that doesn't bother me.  I said, you work hard and I get that, so come home and take a nap or have a beer, but no smoking. 

I've told him a million times all the reasons why, mostly b/c I'm concerned about his health.  And he did stop except for a cigar at the wedding and our anniversary and a few special occasions.  But, now it's becoming a regular thing.  I need to stop him b/f it gets worse. 

He doesn't smoke in the house or my car, but he does in his car or he goes on the porch.  But, besides his health, I don't want any smoke near a baby.  No kid is getting in his car!  And he stinks and I literally don't want to kiss him; gross.

Tygirl: cute siggy pic!

soralette

Neither of us smoke (I grew up with parents who smoke and got tired of being asked if I smoked by 7th grade; DH has lost two grandparents and his mother to smoking-related problems, i.e. cancer)... but my mom does.

I mentioned how smoking around me, the pregnant lady, was making me feel ill and I wasn't sure I was okay with it around the baby, either. And asked her if she'd consider changing over to the electric cigarettes -- which blow steam instead of carcinogens. They're marginally healthier, still give the nic-fix, and don't have the same issues affecting me and the baby.

She changed over immediately, and has seemed a lot happier with 'em -- they're cheaper, for one thing, and they don't stink. And, well, they'll let her quit at her own pace, while not stressing me out.

I dunno if such a thing might work for you?

Tygirljojo

Thanks, Jennuinne!  Adding onto the e-cigs Solarette mentioned - H bought some a year or so ago and they do help with the nicotine cravings, but H doesn't like them.  For one, they do taste different (not bad IMO, but I also haven't been a smoker for 20+ years) and they are heavier and therefore feel a bit different.  Does your H know you don't want smoking around a baby?  H and I had this discussion and he knows he needs to quit before we do anything like TTGKTFU.

sarack

i would let him know how serious you are about no smoke around the baby. especially in the car. that just seems so dangerous.. like flicking your butt and the then burning part goes back and lands on your baby... omg.

jennuinne

Tygirljojo:

Thanks, Jennuinne!  Adding onto the e-cigs Solarette mentioned - H bought some a year or so ago and they do help with the nicotine cravings, but H doesn't like them.  For one, they do taste different (not bad IMO, but I also haven't been a smoker for 20+ years) and they are heavier and therefore feel a bit different.  Does your H know you don't want smoking around a baby?  H and I had this discussion and he knows he needs to quit before we do anything like TTGKTFU.

Yes!  That's what originally got him to quit.  And we're not not trying now...but I told him he better get used to condoms if he's going to be smoking!  We'll see how it goes...  He said this is the "last one," but I've heard that before.

Tygirljojo

jennuinne:

Yes!  That's what originally got him to quit.  And we're not not trying now...but I told him he better get used to condoms if he's going to be smoking!  We'll see how it goes...  He said this is the "last one," but I've heard that before.

Yeah, I've heard that line many times too.  I feel bad, but it's kind of hard to be supportive when I don't quite feel like he tries hard enough.  And I know I cannot relate because I simply do not get addicted to nicotine *knock on wood* so I really don't know what the struggle is like, but it gets old after a while...

CDMay2006

So, do you or DH/SO smoke? No.  Do you care?  Very much; it's a deal-breaker for me.  Any suggestions?
While he did quit for a while, it was a part of his life when you met him, and it sounds like an important one.  And as much as people who are willing to change, can, i don't feel like any of us can expect our partners to change (no matter how undesirable their habits).  I guess i'm just saying that expecting a compromise is one thing, but i wouldn't expect a total change... kwim?

Your distaste for his smoking is reasonable.  It's also reasonable that he feels he "deserves" an indulgence/needs to unwind after work.  Do you acknowledge (in ways he understands) that you recognize his hard work?  If not, that may help.  Do you think he'd be willing to find a less problematic (to his and your health and for your preferences) way to unwind or indulge?  Maybe he treats himself to a cigar lounge after a long week, or something like that -- so he can have what he is looking for and you don't have to smell it (much), and it's in moderation.

ETA: I hasn't read the other responses, so i guess you responded to parts of that...

jennlin

i'm really late in the game (yay for having an active-night-board!).

but my h doesn't regularly smoke...and it pisses me off. because when we met/started dating, he never did. he was one of the very few people that had un-touched lungs... NO SMOKE EVER. but his BM brought cubans to the bachelor party and he "asked for permission"...and i said sure..because it was a special occasion. the next few times after that, he also "asked for permission"..and it was always a special occasion.. lots of bachelor parties lately..few birthdays, etc....it got to the point now where he wants to have them "just for fun".. and i am NOT okay with that. i'm already really disliking the bachelor party ones, because with 7ish weddings a year we're going to, it's adding up.

he's got one left right now..and he talks about it a lot, wondering when the next time he's going to have it......but i really don't want him to have it.

i think i will use the baby excuse. thanks for that tip.

but to the *point* of your question--no. he doesn't "deserve" one. he deserves to relax and do things other than put chemical in his body to do so (alcohol, included). if he wants to relax, play some video games, take a hot shower, take a nap....those he deserves.

amandasw

jennlin:

but to the *point* of your question--no. he doesn't "deserve" one. he deserves to relax and do things other than put chemical in his body to do so (alcohol, included). if he wants to relax, play some video games, take a hot shower, take a nap....those he deserves.

I like how Jenn says it here.  Even though we're all accustomed to "cigarettes are bad, alcohol is good", alcohol can be even more dangerous (I was TA for an intro bio class that used drugs as a way to teach biology, fun fact: you can't really OD on weed and alcohol can be lethal to go cold turkey, just to put it in perspective).  Our culture (and politics) have shaped the way we view which drugs are acceptable, not necessarily health benefits and costs.  (side note: weed also has side effects too, so really, all of these things are taking a toll on your body)

uwhuskygirl

amandasw:

jennlin:

but to the *point* of your question--no. he doesn't "deserve" one. he deserves to relax and do things other than put chemical in his body to do so (alcohol, included). if he wants to relax, play some video games, take a hot shower, take a nap....those he deserves.

I like how Jenn says it here. 

This. 

firsttimersluck

To be a devil's advocate, cigars to less damage to your bod than alcohol does. Your lungs can clean themselves, but your liver does not.

I hate smoking. I have never tried anything myself, nor has my husband. I'm certainly thankful for that.

emyinpink

DH smokes cigars occassionally, but nothing else.

Honestly, the higher end/more expensive cigars seem to smell a lot less (and the smell doesn't tend to linger), and as long as he's only doing it for special occassions (like once a month or so) I don't mind.

Would that be an acceptable compromise for you?  

jennuinne

emyinpink:

DH smokes cigars occassionally, but nothing else.

Honestly, the higher end/more expensive cigars seem to smell a lot less (and the smell doesn't tend to linger), and as long as he's only doing it for special occassions (like once a month or so) I don't mind.

Would that be an acceptable compromise for you?  

I agree, I actually kind of like the smell when he's smoking a cigar.  But, he's breath still stinks after!  And I'd prefer he not smoke at all, but I don't mind on a special occassion or give him a hard time.  I just don't want it to be a daily or several times a week habit.  And, sometimes those "special occassions" do lead to taking it up regularly again.

picksthemusic

Tygirljojo:

H smokes, almost a pack a day.  I've been on him to quit for a long time and he has a couple times (both with the help of chantix) but the stress gets him back.  The one saving grace is he doesn't smoke in the house or his car.  I understand he is physically addicted, but I always tell him there will always be stress, he just needs to figure out another way to deal with it.  I'm lucky where *knock on wood* I can smoke, but I don't get addicted.  Not sure why, but at the "peak" of my smoking, I smoked like 6-7 cigarettes/day, but I don't have withdrawls when I stop and I can and do stop cold turkey.  I actually had him look into a hypnotherapist who I had called up asking for info & we shall see if he goes through with it and it works.

I've also heard that acupuncture works well for smoking cessation. That is, if the hypnotherapy doesn't work (which it does a lot of the time, if the party is willing to quit in the first place).