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-edit- Pretty much solved. thanks for the sounding board to collect my thoughts
now, granted, he already knows i know. and i have texted (as he is out of town) a short list of how hurt i am. 'I' statements i got down.
but what do i do when he comes home tomorrow.
the situation i feel is a little embarrassing. i don't know if i'm being childish, and i probably am to some extent. which is why i need help to argue my case like an adult, not like a 25 year old.
last night i was saving images on his computer. we have three and go between them often, his is the best for games so i tend to use his a lot. when saving, the save window opened up the last save location.
nudes. vaginas. everywhere.
i was fine with that! i found it a little odd because he HID it, though. he has another folder i stumbled upon, but he's a man, it was like 10 pictures, i'm fine with that. but this one was hidden in a folder inside a folder inside a folder all about business, logos and his corporate work.
then i saw, a few pictures down, pictures of my friend. and his ex girlfriend's sister.
they are clothed. and i think that may be why it pisses me off so much. for my friend, he saved few photos of her in a slightly seethrough top. a familly photo where the flash showed her bra a little bit. the picture of his ex's sister is even more bizarre. you can barely see her except her mouth. i guess she was drunk and being silly, but it's clear he saved it because it looks like her mouth is in blowjob position.
a lot of facebook files of people i don't know that he's friends with.
i am livid. everyone remarks how much he worships me. we live together, work a lot, and i KNOW he wouldn't cheat on me. so why the hell is he saving photos secretly of my friend to masturbate to? i feel like he's spit in my face. this isn't just random sluts on the internet. these are women he sees daily. people i hang out with. now i feel paranoia that every woman he talks to, he's looking for something to masturbate to.
another thing is pride. people find me very beautiful, but i gained a lot of weight recently. i was always very busty (E cup at 120 lbs) but now i'm.. rubenesque lol. but the thing is, i'm nothing to sneeze at. it's not like i let myself go.
every chick he saved is someone who has no breasts. at all. and i KNOW he's not attracted to large breasts. and now i'm also insecure wondering how the hell i can have sex with someone and love someone who fantasises about my friends, and about people who look nothing like me KNOWING i was never his type to begin with.
this is long sorry. venting.
but he comes home tomorrow.
now, put on your male brains. how can i CONSTRUCTIVELY frame my case so he'll understand it. what should i say to avoid an argument. what can -I- do to get over it? any advice would be appreciated.
Re: -edit- Pretty much solved. thanks for the sounding board to collect my thoughts
I completely agree to all of this!
Why change what you are comfortable with. You shouldn't have to. He's a twatwaffle who is being a complete skeeze.
this guy couldn't be less of a jerk aha. years and years together and never once bickered. soup kitchen volunteer, nicest man in the world. i've never heard anyone say anything negative about him. goes above and beyond his call. he's very well known for his big heart.
a man having ten photos of sluts he doesn't know is not an issue to me. he's a man. he's allowed to have a few photos. they're visual people. we're together damn near 24/7 so i know he barely even has time for porn. what i don't want is to.. and i truly mean this with NO OFFENSE.. be you. be an angry.. crazy person in this situation. to me, that reaction is insane and insights arguing. that's not mature, that's not productive.
i am upset about the real people. and the patheticness (great word) of the images he chose. and the hiding. and the WHY.
i know he will delete it and never do it again. but approaching him will make me look like YOU. which is not who i am, and put him on defense. this isn't about attacking. it's about working through an issue.
My question - how did you find a folder hidden so deeply? What made you look for them? That is something that interests me...
But as for your response to guy based on what you have said:
"Look. I found these pictures. I clearly don't have a problem with porn, but having pics of women we know that seem to be sexual in nature really bothers me. I'm not upset about you masterbating or about porn but about what appears to be a lack of respect for familly, friends and me. What's going on with you? Why did you feel like you had to hide it?"
it opened up when i went to save something. like if you save an image from the internet, the save image screen has the last location saved open. or at least my computers to.
so he actually called just now. he's at a political convention, but snuck away to talk to me. i vented like above and my questions. told him i posted here, told him about the responses i found to be lunacy (lol) to show him what i DIDN'T mean by bringing it up. and then i said what you typed.
well, he doesn't have an answer aha. i didn't expect him to. but he apologised profucely saying he never should have done something so close to home. he sees the disrespect and understands i'm not forgiving him yet. he gave me his facebook password if i feel like i need to look through it, but also to delete anyone in the photos.
he feels like ***, and we're going to have a talk about boundaries when he gets home. i think maybe that his side would be that we are a very trusting, comfortable couple and it never occurred to him that i'd consider it such a blow. but he hid it, so obviously his conscience was nagging him. he said he doesn't know why he hid it but i think that's it.
now i have to think of how to get myself past it. what i need to ask of him. what my boundaries are. and the ROOT of it on his side so we can fix whatever problem is there.
well, it's simple. 'no offense' because you aren't me. i consider that insane. it IS an unproductive and immature way to handle it. what would happen if i yelled at him all DON'T YOU EVER LOOK AT TITS AGAIN. he would feel attacked, go on defense and we would get no where.
no offense because your relationships may be different. everyone has a different dynamic.
and it is going very productively, as you see above, because i used you to voice to him what i DIDN'T want to accomplish lol so the popcorn may be the most exciting part for you.
and one fight, with no yelling, in 6 years sounds pretty good to me.
Let me get this straight...you think walking on eggshells, not expressing your true feelings, and not fighting with your SO is somehow indicative of a good relationship?
Oh honey, no. No.
In this situation, when your Boy Scout shows you that he is, in fact, a jerkwad, you don't sit on the couch and brainstorm ways to get over it. You tell him to fuuck off, pack your shiit, and dump his ass. (I'm assuming you aren't married...you didn't indicate that you were.) Do you really want to spend your life as a doormat? Because you are one, as much as you want to sit here and rationalize your lack-of-a-reaction as "maturity". It's not. Oh honey, it is so not. It is co-dependency in its truest and unhealthiest form.
Your SO is spanking it to your best friend and his XGF's sister. EWWWW. Inappropriate, anyway you slice it. He's just not that into you. I'm rather gobsmacked that you know your SO isn't attracted to you, and that's somehow OK in your world. I'm sad for you. You're worth so much more than this.
If, somehow, you get a wake-up call and exit this relationship before you sink more years into a fruitless endeavor, please get some counseling for your self-esteem. Yowza.
ETA: And one fight in 6 years is evidence of nothing more than shitty communication, zero passion, and/or an abnormally high tolerance for douchey behavior.
So you're a passive-aggressive doormat. Uh huh. You need therapy, lots of it.
ETA: I'd bet good money that he's cheated on you. And I'll also bet you'll make yourself overlook that too because he's just soooooo awesome.
lol. i never walked on egg shells. i was very blunt. i have the temper of a two year old, and i said some nasty things. i certainly did not lack any reaction lol. lord almighty it was like my face exploded i laughed so suddenly. i promise you, i was nasty.
however, years of therapy as a child taught me about effective communication. and you don't attack. you gather your thoughts and present your case like an adult.why yell? why scream? why insult? what does it accomplish??
instead, use -I- statements. 'i feel hurt because' it opens a dialogue. and people are way more willing to listen when you don't attack but stand up for yourself.
i don't have low self esteem by any means. i have way too many pictures of myself lol. he is VERY attracted to me. he just has never liked large breasts and i have a G cup, something i'm insecure about. we've been together many many years happily. he would have left me or never started dating me if he found me vile. you're misreading.
it's passive aggressive to confront someone logically, have them apologise and see your side clearly and not get caught up in swear words or tone and then work through the issues? strange.
if that's not how you run your life.. that's okay. sounds like a screaming hell lol but you obviously found a way for it to work with your personality and relationship. i like to solve issues and live happily.
Nope, not a screaming hell, but then I have a SO that doesn't whack off to pictures of my BFF.
The passive aggressiveness is reading your SO responses off a message board and saying "Oh darling, -I- would never say such things!"
well i jjust checked the time they were saved it it was two nights ago in the evening. we weren't apart a moment that night. that's actually really helping my immature side. he didn't even get a chance to masturbate lol. it's the disrespect, not the action, but the action would probably bother me more.
no, he hasn't cheated on me. it'd be damn near impossible. we work together, we live together and have all the same friends. this is the longest i've been away from him, and he's with the liberal party of canada leader right now and i could turn on a webcam and watch it. he's not a cheater. it's just not who he is. he would dump me long before like i would. never understood cheating. why not break up instead of being the bad guy.
though i DO consider this a form of cheating, which he and i will talk about tomorrow. not sure how he'll 'make it up' but we'll figure it out.
and that wouldn't be passive aggressive. doesn't fit the definition lol. but i confronted him which also goes against the definition.
i don't know what you're all riled up for. i promise you, there are more interesting and scandalous things aha
i feel like you have so much hate and anger in your body that talking to you just riles you up more. i hope you find peace in your life. i hope you participate in mature dialogue offline and are just misreading this. i know you want to find fault in something, but it's exactly like i typed it. one fight in 6 years is pretty much unheard of. everyone i know cannot believe how happy and well running our relationship is. we don't bicker. we're happy. and the best part?
it's not ME. he is the most amazing person. which is why i made the thread. i struggle with my temper.. like tempertantrums. slamming, throwing.. awful. and i haven't been mad in years. he will come to me like i just came to him if he sees an issue or a potential one. i wanted to emulate him. and the anger on this board reminded me of why i don't want to be like that. it gets no where. like this lol. so i'm going to stop replying. take care.
If I were in your shoes I would be monumentally put off that my BF (husband? You never did answer if you were married) was spinning off some knuckle-children to those types of photos. Random victoria secret models? Random porn? Doesn't bother me as much because he doesn't know the woman or women in question. That is the line I would draw if I had to start splitting hairs. Then again, porn (in general) doesn't bother me as long as it doesn't cross the line into the personal realm (like wacking off to people he knows IRL). If I found pictures in his wack-off type file of people that he knows or knew I would feel squirmy about it. That being said, I can't figure out if it actually bothers you or not.
You post the thread and we think that we are giving you advice that you can use. Did you want us to say, "oh no, its no big deal that your SO is doing this. Get on with your mature self?". Obviously we disagree with you. I don't know how that makes us immature? By your own admission you claim to act like a toddler when you get upset. So are you looking for advice or sympathy? I know you'll get good advice here, but I am not sure if you will get sympathy.
Are you afraid you are going to fly off the handle? I don't understand how you can call Julie's reaction "insane" when you claim to want to yell/scream or whatever like a "cat in bathwater". I'm just so confused about exactly what you want or do you even know?
In any event, you have to determine how much this bothers you. Then, bring it up to him in a direct way and state your feelings up front. After that it is his reaction that matters most. Figure out what you want to actually happen, what is a deal breaker for you and where you want the relationship to go. We can only tell you what we would do or what we think you should do based on the information that you are giving us. You can disagree with it, but I highly doubt that any of our suggestions are any more insane than anything else.
hypocrite much?
i feel like you have so much hate and anger in your body that talking to you just riles you up more. i hope you find peace in your life. i hope you participate in mature dialogue offline and are just misreading this.
i struggle with my temper.. like tempertantrums. slamming, throwing.. awful
I guess all those years of counseling didnt do much good huh? you might want to find a new one.
it is pretty obvious to the rest of us why he would need to look at porn and jerk off.
i'm going to stop replying. take care
doubt it
You're a B!tch, he's a douche, you are perfect for each other! YWIA!
You think he's got quite the hangup for small breasted women?
Then why did he marry you? clearly he found you attractive.
You're making a big deal over nothing.
You need anger management and STAT. It's not normal for a full grown adult to have tantrums and throw things during any argument.
And you contradicted yourself, toots --- You haven't been "mad in years" but you "Struggle with your temper." In denial much about your temper problems?
So if it were something that happened further away from home it would be ok?
BFP #2 02/05/2013 EDD 09/19/2013
I love the people who think that no arguments is completely normal and healthy. They don't realize that the rest of us know that it's less about them being SO compatible that they never disagree and more to do with both people involved being doormats who are so insecure in their relationship that they're terrified of telling their SO how they truly feel.
But sure, you go on believing that it's a sign of total and complete compatibility. I'll be over in the corner, chuckling to myself.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
This. And a friend pointed out recently that it doesn't have to be an all out "fight" to be an argument. All couples argue...or at least, I hope they do. DH and I really don't disagree often. We have never yelled at each other, or called each other names, or any of the stuff some people (probably the OP) consider "fighting." But yeah, we argue. We disagree. We say things or do things that unintentionally hurt the other person. And we talk about them, usually rationally, sometimes less rationally. And then we resolve things.
Sweeping it under the rug so you can say that you never argue and you're perfect and happy does not mean that you are perfect and happy. Your relationship is going to implode. You can only ignore the several elephants in the room for so long before the house falls down.
*head tilt*
Is anyone else thinking that only a jerk would date a large-breasted woman and tell her that he has never liked large breasts?
I think you identified one of the things that was bothering me about all this that I couldn't quite put my finger on. Why does she know he doesn't like large breasts?
Did anyone else catch the really poorly worded "you're all bitter hags and I feel sorry for you" in this post?
Whatabitch. And one that talks and acts like she's 15 years old, to boot.
Ha ha ha. Guess the truth hurts when you realize everyone else can see what a dbag your H is. Spanking it to pictures of your friends and an ex-G's sister...yeah, there's a prime example of an awesome H. Ha ha ha.