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Reading FM reminds me of my own IL drama
Now I'm feeling stressed, for no good reason.
I think I posted before about what happened with MIL. Basically, she was shutting out DH, she blames me for some of the problems, FIL has jumped on her side, put down DH, and demanded that he ignore the issues or sweep them under the rug or just make up because "she's your mom." It all ended with DH cutting out his mom for a while.
While I know it's for the best, he's still struggling. He hasn't talked to his father since early October and he told me the other day that the hardest part is not talking to his father, who did a good job raising him. He said it's not hard to not talk with his mother, since she's always been crazy.
Is there anything I can do to help him? I know I've asked before how to be supportive and it's hard because I feel like the things his mom says about me will eventually cause him to resent me for their lack of relationship (my own anxiety, nothing he's done). Plus there's the whole not-being-his-therapist thing, despite the fact that he's still not found a therapist to help him through all of this.
I know his mom is doing all of this because he's changed and has changed his interactions with her. I know that his parents are trying to force him back into his original role in the family to maintain equilibrium. I know he has a long road ahead of him and this year's holidays will be difficult. I've already said things that have brought this up to him, without meaning to (such as how many we'll have for Thanksgiving dinner). From all of your experience, what can I do? What should I do?
Re: Reading FM reminds me of my own IL drama
That sounds really difficult. I'm sorry y'all are having to deal with that.
I would think the most you can do is make sure that he knows you are there to talk if he needs it and reassure him that he is doing what is right to maintain his own sanity.
You are not holding his folks at gun point & forcing them to belittle their son on a regular basis. I would definitely encourage him to find a good therapist because you (as you know) can't do that for him as much as you want to.
There is not a whole lot else you can do except be there for him when he needs it. sounds old and not very helpful, but there it is.
I get your concerns, but really - he's seeing his mom for who she really is. Sure, maybe being w/ you sped up the process, but reality is - this is who she is and he sees it, and I would be shocked if he ever took it out on you. Your'e the one who is trying to help him.
Keep supporting him. But also encourage him to find a therapist. You should be able to ask about Thanksgiving w/o it becoming an "issue". I get where you'[re coming from, but the holidays should still be something you can enjoy, and I assume you have YOUR family to think about.
Good luck. I know it's hard.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I think you should at least try to save this relationship before it gets pretty bad. It's been going on for only couple weeks? I think you may have to kill them with kindness, regardless how they may have made you feel. Try to invite them over for dinner and just be friendly. Don't take anything personal. If this already bothers you, avoiding them is only going to make things worse.
Perhaps good will come out of the get together. Maybe it won't, but at least you know that you at least tried from your end and there will be no regrets down the road.
That's horrible advice. Luckily Jessimau is a therapist and knows not to relax her boundaries.
LOL thank you Mrs.Rad! And thank you Betty & ECB, you've both been really supportive and helpful for me in navigating this.
AE, there's a *lot* of backstory you're missing. This has been going on for more than a couple of weeks (or even a month). In the first 6 months we were dating, MIL told DH he could finish college or marry me, but not both. Before she'd ever met me.
My BFF likes to describe MIL's surprise serenade of us at our wedding as a giant AW moment and says it's just another sign of how full of herself she is. Quite honestly, considering all the BS I see her pull and put others through, it's a miracle that I haven't truly lost my temper with her ever. I've come close a few times and made some snarky comments, but she's grabbed on to those few times, or times I've seemed "agitated" or "upset" and said it's proof of me not liking them/judging her family, when in fact it's being pissed that she makes her problems and neuroses everyone else's fault.
Also, thank goodness the ILs live 3+ hours away! MIL is at a point where she doesn't want to see DH because he's not kowtowing to her anymore. Hokay, /vent
Um, I don't think it's a horrible advice based on what Jessimau shared in this post. I don't know the entire backstory, until Jessimau brought it up AFTER my advice.
Jessimau, just realize that if you're still stressed out...nothing is going to change until one of you make a move. That's all I'm saying. Yes, regardless how crazy his mother may be, you may be at peace knowing that you at least gave her an effort. With the holidays coming up, I don't see how you're going to feel better by doing nothing. But good luck.
Well, AE, you still don't have the whole backstory, so there's that. My own stress comes from my concerns about how my husband feels and is handling things. I've let him handle all of this on his own, as he sees fit, while I stand by and support him. He gets to choose what we do or don't do for the holidays.
We got to the current point because DH told her she had to accept that I'm his wife and that's not going to change. Also because he told her she's going to have to find a way to have a relationship with me and if she couldn't do these things, then we wouldn't be spending time with them. MIL has never seemed to fully accept that we're married (he's an only child, she gave up her dreams to raise him). When we got married, my parents did what they could to make the guest room comfortable for us (putting 2 mattresses together, eventually buying a new bed). ILs told us we could continue to sleep separately...one on the downstairs couch, one on the upstairs daybed. DH was the one upset by this and he voiced it to them. There's a lot more, and I've never expected them to go out of their way to spend money to accommodate me or us. But DH has picked up on the message loud and clear that MIL is not happy he's married, let alone to someone like me (liberal, not religious, good at setting boundaries, etc.).