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I'm Getting A Divorce
My husband asked me for a divorce yesterday. We have been married for 3 years.
BACKSTORY
We just had a baby 8 months ago. In July 2011 we both decided it was best if I quit my full time job to raise our child. A month later he started working a second job after his main job. I worked a part time job also. He told me he was stressed, over whelmed, confused and tired. He was feeling like sh*t because he did not finish college. I asked him how could I help with this and told him what can I do to help and he told me a few things that I had been doing that bothered him. I immediately changed them.
Two weeks ago I asked him to stop working on the weekends at his second job so I can start working another job during the weekends while he takes care of our baby.
This past Saturday he had errands to do and hang out with his best friend He left the house at 10am. Around 5pm I sent him a text asking him what time he was getting home and he replied" I dont know and I dont want to go home". I was furious and told him "Well stay at your friends house as long as you like". He slept over his friends house that Saturday night.
Sunday morning I asked him to please come home, and he did with his best friend. I pulled him aside asked him whats going on and he tells me he wants a divorce, that he hasn't been happy for months, that he needs to find himself. He wants to go out and figure out why his life is a mess, and that he has met someone from his second job and he wants to pursue this relationship. That they just started dating a few days ago. O_O He also tells me that he doesn't find me attractive anymore and he doesn't love me as a women. He loves me as his bestfriend and as the mother of his child.
He tells me that he understands that I can't work full time while raising our son so he wants to give me child support and alimony. He will also take our son for the weekends while I work. He wants to be involved in our son's life as much as possible and wants us to remain friends.
Sunday night he stops by the house after me calling him over a million times because our son fell and was bleeding from his ear. I asked him why he didn't pick up my call and he said "I had the phone on silent. I'm sorry it won't happen again, I was with the girl I told you about". I asked if they had sex and he said yes.
We have been together since I was 14 and him 18. I am 21 and he is 25. Maybe that has to do with it. But girls, I really am not lying when I say that he never hinted that he wanted a divorce. The only time he complained to me was the paragraph I wrote above.
I don't know what is going on. I asked him if he wanted to work it out, try marriage counseling, anything and he does not want to at all. He just wants to move on with his life. I am trying to be strong for me and my son. I grew up in a single parent household. I was cooking, cleaning, and taking care of my little brothers and sisters from age 9-18 while my mom worked. I NEVER thought I was going to bring a child into this world to possibly go through what I did. My husband was lucky. He had both his parents growing up. He doesn't understand what I went through.
I keep playing these past few months over and over and over and over and over. I wish I could say I saw this coming so I could have prepared. I thought we had a good relationship. I was happy. I thought he was also. He was never distant. We talked, we spent time together, we had sex. I have been losing weight because I understand that when we met I was 130pds and now I am 185pds. (This is not due to pregnancy, I was heavier before pregnancy). I would constantly ask him if he wanted to go out on his days off and he would rather stay home and rest. He just threw all this at me in a second.
I'm trying not to hate him, wish death upon him, or curse his names to the Gods not only for me but for my son. I don't want to become a hateful person.
Do you guys have any advice.
TIA
Re: I'm Getting A Divorce
Look. He's a complete assh0le. It sounds like he was fine staying with you until he saw an option for someone else come along, and the fact that he only even started voicing "problems" in the marriage once he started dating someone else says a lot about his character.
My advice is make sure you protect yourself. Other TIP'ers will probably be able to give you the steps, but contact a lawyer and make sure you have access to some money that he can't spend.
And really, don't blame yourself. He's scum.
First, I'm sorry you are going through this.
Second, if he at 18 was willing to go out with a 14 yo, gross, you don't want him around you anyway. This is why it isn't a good idea to get married at 18 (usually, people!!) Alas, you're in this situation now. Get a lawyer stat. Make copies of all your financial documents. Document his leaving and hanging out with this other girl, save texts, etc.
It sounds like you'll be better off without this doucher, just give it time.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. This situation is why it if often said on the Nest that you should never marry your prom date; you change so much between 18 and 25 that teenage romances usually end as both partners grow. I saw this happen to many people I went to high school with.
So your relationship has run its course. Your husband wants to be a 25 year old single guy and experience all the stuff single guys do that he's been missing out on because he has a wife and child. He wants a do over.
My advice is to get a lawyer NOW--you can call your local Legal Aid for recs and to find out about free legal help.
I applaud your wish to not become a hateful, vindictive ex wife. You can call your county mental health agency to find out about counseling services to help you through this difficult time.
Good luck.
I got stuck here. I know you don't feel this way now, but this is probably for the best for both of you. You were just a child when you started dating (and the fact that he was 18 makes me feel icky), you probably don't know who you are yet either. Take this time to figure out what you want in life. Are you in school? Do you want to go to school? There are so many online options now you can still be home with your child.
Also, guy cheating on you. He started dating someone else. Is this a man you really want to be with? Is this the kind of marriage you want your child to think is acceptable? You are better off with out him.
I would definitely talk to a lawyer. Since you aren't working full time, you may try and contact legal aid and see if they can help, or at least give you some advice. Make sure you have access to funds and he can't clean out your bank account. Do you have a support system? Friends or family nearby?
Protect yourself, get out, put your LO first, and take this as a HUGE lesson learned and take a long time to relearn who YOU are and find happiness in your life w/o a guy in it. Seriously- you will do yourself and your LO a WORLD of good if you do this.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I can understand where he's coming from (minus the azzhole behavior). He was a kid when he started dating you... now he has a kid himself and he probably feels like he never got to experience a lot of things (which he didn't). However, just laugh at the azzhole because he's making the exact same mistake. He'll be doing the same thing to this other woman in a few years, mark my words.
YOU, my dear, need to say "so long" to stbx and then find yourself. Don't date right away, take some classes, figure out what you want to do with your life, enjoy yourself. This is probably the single best thing he's ever done for you.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
Your husband is anasshole.
My advice would be leave and never look back. Sue him for child support, get a divorce, get yourself an education and don't date anyone for at least a year or two.
I will echo everyone else here.
You need to pick up the pieces, get your affairs in order, take care of your son, and do the best for you. Without regard to anyone else besides you and yours. Your stbx is a huge assface, and none of this has anything to do with you.
He's been cheating on you and he wants the two of you to stay friends? Gee, that's nice of him.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but you really will be better off without him in the long run. It sounds like you have the right attitude about it as far as co-parenting goes (although being civil to each other for your son's sake does not have to include being "friends"). Take the next few years to focus on yourself and your kid, and even though right now he appears to be trying to keep things amicable and fair, don't hesitate to protect yourself whenever you feel it necessary.
I have a friend that went through a nasty divorce and shes been extremely helpful. My family doesn't know yet. My mother just had surgery and I don't want to stress her out.
At 21 you have a lot of growing to do. You'll find that in 5 years you are a very different person than the one you are now.
Like imoan said, find yourself. Stay sayanora to the stbx and enjoy yourself and who you will become. It's difficult, it's painful, but so is all growing up.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I agree with what all PP say.
Don't blame her for this. I mean obviously she has a choice here to not continue dating a married man, but this is all on your H. She's not the one wrecking the marriage, he is. If he wasn't boning her, he'd be boning somebody else.
My bitchy moment for the day...
He got more than he bargained for.
Since he was a not-with-it guy who was pursuing someone younger than him, he expected it to come with bimbo-ness and freedom.
Suddenly it wasn't playing house--it came with STRINGS--responsibilities. Like a wife with needs and opinions that weren't 100% in agreement with his. And a kid.
And suddenly, the idea of being with a 'mature' person who was at the same' life-stage' was a helluva lot more appealing.
I'm going to ditto what everyone else said. Find yourself a lawyer and a counselor.
What I haven't seen suggested yet is that you get yourself tested for STDs. I know its a sucky thing to have to think about, but you need to for your health and for the sake of your LO.
Go to survivinginfidelity.com. The forum is incredibly helpful. Make sure you read about 180 and start doing it today. Tell your ass of an ex to get what he needs and get out and not to come back. How nice that he wants an amicable split despite the fact that he was cheating on you. How lucky that he was able to get laid while you were caring for your injured son and he was ignoring the phone.
Get yourself into counseling and a lawyer. Take some time to focus on yourself and your son and figure out what you want out of your life - there's a lot, LOT better than this out there.
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
I agree with the others, I think a lot of this is because you all got married so young and are so young. That said, the way he is handling it is pretty awful and does make him a jerk.
To me it sounds like you all really rushed forward with having an adult relationship and adult responsibilities, and he's now regretting not giving himself the room to make selfish decisions when he was younger...maybe go to college, get a better job, date around, etc. For most people those are experiences they will miss having at some point in their lives even though they don't realize it at the time they choose to forego them. I'm not sure there was anything here for you to pick up on or that he is unhappy with you per se, it sounds like he is unhappy with himself, his life, and the choices he made. Nothing you did wrong. But it does make him not worth being with for you; you deserve better and I'm sure you can do better. Part of this could be that he is young, but I also think its entirely possible he is one of those people who will always be unhappy with his life and what he is doing; right now he can blame that on you and dating someone else will allow him to ignore the root cause of his unhappiness (which sounds like it is himself), long term he'll have to address it or he's going to keep bouncing around and making erratic choices.
Are you a college graduate? If not I would absolutely urge you to finish your education now. He may want to help with CS, etc. now but you never know what will happen down the road. Best thing you can do for yourself and your child is develop some good job skills that will allow you to be marketable and support yourself and your child long term. I know there are a few people on the SO board, including achase, who juggle work, child and studying, you might want to ask them for pointers.
This! Especially getting tested.
YH is a douche and then some. He "just started dating her"?? As if that's okay? Ugh, you'll be better off without a jerkoff for a husband who cares more about his d!ck than his family.
Good riddance. Get a great lawyer, make sure it is a custody agreement you want and enough child support. As well as spousal support.Get all documents together now, you never know what he has been planning on. Don't trust him and look out for yourself and the baby. It is okay to not play nice, he sure the hel! didn't play fair.
What a prize they both are and consider yourself lucky. You are young and there is a lot you can do with your life.
It's never a good idea to get married at 18 but that doesn't mean it doesn't occasionally work out.
This, however, it not one of those times.
Look, let the dude go, honey. There are worse things than being raised by a single parent. Also, please understand that single now isn't single forever. I was a single parent when my son was an infant. But I've been married for five years now. And being a single parent doesn't have to mean the same thing for you and yours that it meant for your mother and siblings.
You can get through this. You'll be fine. Better his doucheassness rear its ugly head now than after ten years and a couple more kids.
Click me, click me!
Another anecdote to hang in the "don't get married so young" column.
Your H finally realized the responsibility isn't as fun as it seems to be when you're a teenager/young adult. He had a wife and then a baby, and had to get a second job and work himself to the bone to compensate for wanting to grow up so fast.
You need to get a divorce and really focus on planning a good future for yourself and your child. What was your full time job before you quit to stay at home? Do you have any family you can move in with? My advise would be to try to get a degree to help you get a better job where you can potentially care for your child's needs yourself. I wouldn't be suprised at all if he "loses" his second job, now that his needs go only so far as to send you a check once a month.
What a jerk.
Ditto what everyone else has said. I think your problem started here:
"We have been together since I was 14 and him 18. I am 21 and he is 25. Maybe that has to do with it."
He is a child. In his mind he is still 18. ECB also nailed it. He's already left the marriage. Don't persue it. Get thee tested for STDs. Get a lawyer. Get on with the best years of your life.
First of all... I know that right now it feels as if your entire world is crashing in on you and you are suffocating. You are facing a new reality that you never wanted and feel totally blindsided by it. TOTALLY normal.
I understand that your first instinct is to try to fix things because you have a child and you wanted your child's life to be different than yours. But, you have to stop being blinded by your dreams of happily ever after with the man you married because he isn't acting like the person he promised to be. He has turned out to be someone else.
You also have to realize that it isn't this bimbo's fault, no one can seduce someone who isn't willing. It also doesn't mean that you did anything wrong... you have to let yourself off the hook and not over analyze every last conversation. (It doesn't sound like he communicated his feelings to you well)
You need to grieve the loss however you can and try to look out for yourself and your DS in all the practical things like custody and Child support etc. But, know that everyone deserves to be treated better than he treated you... no one deserves to be cheated on. If he had "wild oats" to sow, he should have done that long before thinking of getting married and definitely before having a child with anyone!
I know that he is all that you know... but just know that he is not all there is. Like everyone else is saying... do whatever you have to do to create a good life for you and your son. Work on finding out about yourself and who you are both as a mom and as a young 20 something... and happiness will find you as long as you are open to it. You have to be able to leave your past in the past.
( This comes from a child of a dad who cheated 4 times before he finally left my mom after 23 years of unhappy marriage and my mom is still not able to understand how to be happy)