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My World Upside Down and in Flames!
First let me say this is my first time ever putting my life out in the public for others to read, respond, and criticize. At this point I feel I have no other place to turn to find advice.
My husband and I have been together about 7 1/2 years. In 2005 he joined the militray and started moving (we were dating about 2 yrs at this point). In December of 2006 we got married and I moved with him to NC (our family lives in KY). in May 2008 we had our first child, then my husband deployed for his first time by the time my son was 2 months old and he was gone for 7 months.
Ever since my husband has returned our marriage has been a constant rollercoaster including mental, emotional and minor physical abuse. We have tried marriage counselors (3 to be exact) and all has failed. I was being blamed for everything and he was not taking responsibility for any of it. While all of this was going on his drinking increased quite a bit which made things even worse. But he did not think there was a problem. I threatened to leave him several times hoping that he would realize that if he did not stop he would not be around his child.
Things eventually got a little better. I June of 2010 we had our second child. He got out of the military in January of this year. We moved back to KY and things were up and down again. The drinking wasnt so bad but the mental, and emotional abuse continued along with threats of hurting me and taking my children.
Again, things got good again for a while but for the past few weeks it feels like my husbands cycle is starting again. Now my son is 3 and a half and my daughter is 16 months. I am so drained that I do not even recognize myself in the mirror. I have lost almost all of my confidence and I have picked up 40 lbs in the past 3 years. I have no idea what happened to the once independent, confident, beautiful girl I use to love. Now I can't find happiness and I know my children see that reflected on my face.
I am 25 years old and I know I have so much left to do in my life and I want to be happy again. But I feel like I'm stuck. I lost my job about a month ago and now I have no money of my own and don't feel like I could make a decision to leave if I wanted too. I just want the pain to end and to wake up and be happy and to show my kids that life is joyous.
I just don't know what to do anymore....I need some advice please.......
Re: My World Upside Down and in Flames!
Has he been to counseling on his own? What does he do in the military and what were his deployments like?
Personally, he sounds a wee bit PTSDy and it he should contact military one source and get counseling on his own to handle it. You should also contact them and get counseling for yourself.
However, you need to understand that regardless of where this is coming from, you cannot make this man get the help he needs. You certainly can't make him change. And you most definately can't continue to raise your children in a home where their father is an abusive jackhole, regardless of the reason. Please, speak to your family, to your friends and find a way to get out of there.
Honestly, I think you'll get the answer you need when you take these steps. If he takes his happy ass to a counselor, maybe you can work on this. But if he rails and turns even more assy (which I wold probably bet on) he can go fuuk himself.
Please don't let his threats scare you. Go see someone at legal aid, speak to a woman's shelter, or get a consultation with a lawyer. Know your options. Just because he says he'll take your children doesn't mean he actually can.
Click me, click me!
He refuses to go to counseling on his own because he says that I am the one who brings on the problems between us. In the military he was the communication. He created phone lines, and swtichboard operator. I have tried to talk to him about his deployment but he has such trouble talking about it that he gets really upset.
When he got out of the military they did a discharge report including a physical and mental evaluation. They said he did not have signs of PTSD but that he did have serious anger issues that he was supposed to get counseling for but did not. I only found out about this report when I was cleaning out paper in my desk. I confronted him about it and he said he already did it but I know for a fact he did not. I have tried counseling for myself but it doesnt help when you get home and everything I was told to try and do only made things worse.
I have spoken to my family and they want me to get out, and I do too, but I do not know what keeps stopping me!? I don't know if it's the part of me that still loves him or that I still have hope? And there's a part of me that is scared of the unknown. Will I be ok? Will my kids be ok? These are things I would have never questioned myself but I think I have let it go on so long that I am grown scared and insecure.
My plan is to get a job, hopefully very soon. And move on. I feel like he's a ticking time bomb and I see that, and the last thing I want is my children to be in the line of fire and get hurt unintentially.
I think he's clearly given you your answer then. You can't fix a marriage on your own, especially when the bulk of those problems stem from him being an angry, abusive little fuuker.
This isn't the life you want for your children and you have an excellent support system. So take advantage of it and get out.
There's no reason to wait until you get a job if your family is willing to help you out in the meantime. It's just another excuse that's keeping you stuck there. Go see your family. Find out how they're willing to help and see a lawyer. Then decide your best course of action.
Click me, click me!
Oh honey. Look you can't make your H change and it doesn't sound like he's all that interested in changing. Take a good look at your life. Is that really how you want to live for the rest of your life? Is that what you want your children growing up and thinking that's how all relationships are? It might be hard at first, but you can totally do this without him. Actually, it will probably be easier to do it without him.
Good luck and please, stay safe.
You need to go to Al-Anon. Tonight if possible. Al-Anon meetings are for people whose lives are affected by the drinking of others. You qualify. There you will meet people from all walks of life who have or are currently dealing with exactly what you are. You will find a great deal of support. No one at those meetings will be able to tell you how to get your husband to stop drinking because nothing/no one can make an alcoholic quit drinking.
After you go to your first meeting, meet with a lawyer and figure out what spousal and child support you will get in a divorce. You will not be penniless. If he is still in the military, these court ordered amounts will be directly removed from his pay and will be transferred to you. Be sure to ask about the residence...will you be penalized if you leave the house? Can you force him to leave?
Once you have that answer, pack things for you and the children and leave (or get a police escort to get him to leave. Go to a shelter - do whatever you have to do to put yourself and your children on the path to a better life.
You can do this. Five years from now, once you are through the worst of it and are out the other side, you will wonder how you ever got yourself into that mess in the first place.
I agree -- this could be due to his deployment.
The drinking is extrinsic of the PTSD, or perhaps it is not.
At any rate, it looks like you did everything you could to save/help your marriage.
Can you go home to your parents? ANother close relative?
Staying with him would be a mistake -- it is also not healthy for the kids or for you. It's already a dysfucntional environment and that's the last thing you and the kids need.
They are also growing up with a father who is a drunk. They do not need that, either.
What I would do:
Get your financial ducks in a row, get an attorney retained -- call legal aid to find an affordable one -- and when that's ready, file and say goodbye to this guy. As I suggested, go home to your parents; take the kids with you.
Abuse is abuse, whether it is emotional or physical. Good luck.
I do agree that he sounds like he has PTSD. However, this does not excuse domestic violence in any form. He has already gotten physical with you, emotional and mentally abuses you, and sweetie, it will only get worse. His threats are a form of control and he will not take your children.
Right now you are a victim of domestic violence. Contact your local women's shelter for counseling. If you are fearful of him, file a no contact order. Please, go home to your parents and take the kids with you. Focus on you and your little ones. You will come out of it a domestic violence survivor.
Oh, honey. Do you really think you and your kids are okay right now?
Your husband doesn't seem willing to go into counseling, to address your concerns, to really do anything to save your marriage. He's not going to step up to make the life you guys are living tolerable - if you want better than this, you're going to have to take the steps to make it happen. And there is better than this.
Your kids are young. Kids are resilient and adaptable. But the longer you guys live like this, the more they're going to think that this is the norm and this is the way people are supposed to live. It's clear you care about them and love them - I don't think that's what you want for their lives.
Good luck. Leaving an unhealthy relationship is difficult and scary but being out of it is an incredible relief.
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
Please get out of this marriage. Not only are things not going to get better, they will most likely get worse. It sounds like your family would be supportive if you left him, so lean on them for awhile until you can get back on your feet. When you go to counseling, do it not from the standpoint of trying to save your marriage, but from the standpoint of getting out.
Nobody deserves to be treated this way, PTSD or not. Your husband might not be willing to do what he needs to do, but you don't have to let him drag you and your kids down with him. I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this, and I hope everything turns out for the best.
You do know what to do. You know that you do not deserve that abuse and you know that your children certainly don't. You know that none of this is acceptable. You need to protect yourself and your babies. You need to find a new place to live.
You need to make a safe home for your kids. Your kids need to see a mom who is taking control of this situation and not accepting abuse as an option.
Ditto this! You need individual counseling now. You and your children are not safe with your husband. Call a domestic violence shelter. They won't force you to do anything but will help you with an exit plan. Stay safe.